by Leanne Davis
Tracy was ready to fall dead on the floor. It had to be the most embarrassing, awful moment of her life. Even worse than Micah deserting her.
No. Not that bad. But a close second. And now, Donny and Vickie were almost kidding about it? Casually bantering crap at each other? It was because they were married and there was a connection between them still that Tracy couldn’t deny. When Vickie told her she and Donny could discuss things, she saw now Vickie wasn’t wrong. But allowing her parents to witness that?
“I—” Tracy didn’t know where to look. She felt sick. Really nauseous.
Donny suddenly turned around and put his arms around her, pulling her towards him, while blocking her from the prying eyes of the room with his back. His arms engulfed her as he lifted her and held her up. He lowered his head until it rested on her hair. Tracy tried to struggle from his embrace, thinking it would only make everything so much worse.
He leaned in and said softly, “I’m sorry. I never dreamed this is how it would go. But… don’t wig out on me. We’ve done nothing wrong.”
The entire room grew silent, and Tracy had no idea if anyone could hear them. She shook her head on his chest, wanting to get away from him. Being held by him now, in front of everyone, and after Vickie’s awful proclamation, was undeniably the worst possible scenario she could imagine.
“Oh my God! No. Tracy, you are shameful. How could you do this? This is completely inappropriate. That is—” Gayle continued to reprimand her second daughter.
Donny lifted his head and glanced over his shoulder, replying, “No, Gayle, it isn’t. Hugging your daughter isn’t exactly pornographic. So if you’re so offended, shut your eyes. I’ve watched for the past three years how you ignored her. And hurt her with your digs and neglect. You treat her like she’s a fixture in the room that you can use whenever you need to, but ignore her otherwise. I will not stand here and pretend Tracy isn’t completely dying of embarrassment right now. She is physically upset at having her private life judged by all of you. I’ve watched her play second fiddle to this entire family without one word of complaint or blame. Even when Micah left her, you gave all the attention and sympathy to Vickie’s problem. So no. I will not let her stand here, burning in shame, over something we both did voluntarily. Something that I don’t regret for one second. Because from this moment forward, I will no longer stand by and let Tracy be no more than an afterthought.”
She gasped against his chest. Holy shit. What else could she add to that declaration? She’d never heard anyone talk about her so highly. Or take such a stand for her. Or… care so much that she was in the room, albeit, mortified.
“Holy fuck,” Tony muttered finally. Gretchen elbowed him in the chest as he harrumphed his response and glanced around the room. “Well, what else should one say to that?”
Donny looked into her eyes. “And I’m done pretending what I feel and hiding whom I love. My wife knows. It’s time everyone else did.”
Tracy pushed back from him. “I wasn’t ready for this,” she said quietly before passing around him.
She finally lifted her face to confront Vickie’s stare. Vickie’s expression was cold and blank, and Tracy took a sharp breath in. Vickie never looked at her that way. It was like Vickie was the adult, for once, and Tracy was the apologetic, naughty child. Tracy never intended or expected her transgression to go down in front of everyone. She hoped to get Vickie alone so at least, she could apologize and try to explain herself, although it was a matter of opinion if any explanation could suffice.
“I’m sorry because it’s wrong. I know that. I’m sorry he’s still married to you.” She felt Donny stiffening behind her.
Vickie snickered. “Weirder words were never spoken.”
She continued, “But I’m not sorry I fell in love with him. You don’t want him. You might not want me to have him, which is normal and understandable, but the thing is, it’s too late. You left. While you were gone, we discovered something with each other that we refuse to let go of.”
“I still can’t believe you’d carry on like this. I don’t care how you think you’ve been slighted by us, or your sisters, that’s no excuse for you to sleep with her husband.” Gayle’s tone was fierce and she held her fists like weapons at her sides.
Tracy turned towards her mother, realizing she might never fully forgive her. She saw that clearly. In soft, clear voice, she stated, “I know that. I know what right and wrong are. The thing I learned during the last year, however, is that it isn’t nearly as simple and easy as that. There is a whole lot of gray area between right and wrong. We’re not all kids here. Right and wrong are for kids. For adults? There are only shades of gray. Was it right for Vickie to drink? Was it right for Micah to commit the crimes he did? Was it right for me to sleep with my sister’s estranged husband? No. But I also learned over the last year that the answers to any of those questions are not a simple yes or no. They are a lot more complicated than that. And I guess if you can’t forgive me, I must accept that. I’m asking you to, Vickie, and I’m asking all of you. But I refuse to apologize for staying with Donny. And I’m begging you all to let me tell my daughters. They don’t deserve to have it hurled at them in anger.”
Vickie crossed her arms over her chest and shifted the weight on her hips. “And how are you going to explain it to them?”
“Honestly. I’ll tell them as honestly as I can. But I prefer not to tell them, ‘I fucked their uncle’ as you so eloquently describe.”
“Lie to them, you mean? You’ll just sugar coat it?”
“Well, duh. Just like I told them how their father ran away after committing terrible crimes. Yes, of course, I’ll try to sugar coat it. I’m not going to be mean.”
“I know you’re not. I just can’t believe this is even a discussion.”
“Join the damn club,” Tracy replied with a shrug. For so long, she’d been fighting and resisting something she truly wanted. For so long, Vickie had what Tracy wanted with little regard or care for it. If Vickie had properly taken care of what was formerly hers, Donny would never have looked at Tracy twice.
Vickie’s gaze studied her and Tracy wanted to lower her head and let her hair fall over her face. A blush heated her cheeks, but she held her ground. She kept her shoulders back and her spine straight. Vickie raised an eyebrow and said, “You’ll never keep him. You’ll never satisfy him. But I won’t tell your kids. I’ll reserve that honor for you.”
She nodded. “Fair enough. And you don’t want him.” She didn’t further address Vickie’s insult. Tracy knew her pastel tank top and white shorts weren’t very fashionable. There were no name brands in her wardrobe either. She only wore the quick, casual clothes from any generic department store, which were nothing more than “mom-clothes” in Vickie’s eyes. However, Tracy considered herself a little more edgy than a lot of her kid’s friend’s moms, she was utterly lacking in comparison to Vickie and Gretchen.
“You know this will come between us, and you’re willing to let it?”
Uh-oh… The part that made her a bad sister. Yes, she knew it, and still, she did it. “Yes. I’m still willing.”
No one else spoke. They were all standing in the living room at their family’s traditional vacation home. Tracy could look around and picture playing all sorts of games with her sisters in any corner of the house. She remembered playing lost when they were on the beach. They pretended to make forts as their homes, and mixed up inedible stews in five-gallon buckets, usually a concoction of seaweed, water and sticks. They dressed up like girls from the eighteen hundreds in poofy petticoats and bonnets. They played dolls out on the porch. She and Vickie spied on Gretchen and Will making out when they were still in high school. They later poured whipped cream over the car of a neighbor who spoke in a mean voice to Vickie when she accidentally hit a baseball through their front window. Tracy and her sisters had a whole lifetime of connection and memories, good and bad. That was a lot to lose. The problem was: she thought she might have more to gain by b
eing with Donny.
“Damn. When did you grow a backbone?”
“About the same time my husband left me.”
Vickie’s eyes held hers. Her mouth finally flattened into a grim smirk. “Yeah, now that mine is leaving me, it isn’t so great.”
“It’s not so bad either,” Tracy said softly. Donny’s words filtered through her brain. She glanced over her shoulder. He was watching their conversation carefully. He held her gaze and tilted his head. She swore she sensed his urge to reach forward and touch her, reassure her, and back her up. The sentiment was nice. His mouth was in a tight line. She barely shook her head, not even a fraction of an inch. This was between Vickie and her. Unfortunately, it was just about to be witnessed by everyone.
“What are you doing here, Vickie?” she finally asked. She was gentle and waited until the silence became intolerably thick and uncomfortable.
Vickie turned and headed over to a chair, which she flopped down on with more than her usual dramatic flair. “I was going to spend some time here with my daughter,” she replied with a sharp glare at Tracy.
Tracy rolled her eyes. “She still is your daughter.”
“Oh, you’re not going to be her mommy now? Aren’t you going to stay home and take care of my kid now that you can’t stay home with your own?”
“No. I’m not. Anyway…”
“Anyway, I think staying with Gretchen and Tony for awhile would be good for me. Maybe it would keep be sober, and let me figure out gradually how to live for real outside of rehab.”
“You mean, you’re still sober?”
“I’m still sober. Are you disappointed? Secretly hoping I’d still be a drunken lush, and too incoherent to care that you betrayed me?”
Tracy finally sat down across from her. There wasn’t any heat or accusation in Vickie’s tone. “You’re not going to let this go easily, are you?” Tracy asked.
“Should I?”
“No,” Tracy said tightly. “But you could. Since I don’t think you really mean it.”
Tracy glanced up when her dad started shuffling around. She had yet to look at him, and was dreading the displeasure she expected to find on his face. His mouth was compressed. “So, let me get this straight, you think we don’t care about you? That we don’t pay any attention to you?” her father finally asked.
Tracy squirmed around. She could not seem to find her voice with her parents present.
“You don’t.” Donny’s voice pealed from across the room, almost with a vengeance that no one else would stick up for Tracy. Micah always backed her up privately, but never dared to in front of her family.
Her dad glared at Donny. “Not so sure I want to hear from you right now.”
“Why? Because I see exactly how your daughters are? Jealous? You ought to try it some time.”
Tracy’s mother sucked in a lungful of air and made her disdain quite clear. “I haven’t been happy with you since this whole thing with Vickie started. Now this? Why is it you’re still here after all you’ve done? And how you’ve torn this family apart?”
Donny shook his head and Tony bristled as he shot his brother a glance. “I haven’t torn it apart. Vickie is an alcoholic. Tracy’s husband deserted her, high and dry. You both fail to notice what your daughters need. That is what tore things apart. I support your one daughter in exactly the ways that she needs, even if they’re not precisely what you or she wants. And I love your other daughter. I would have assumed you already understood that.”
Vickie scooted forward on her chair. “So our deal is still on?”
Donny’s smile was like one a parent might give to indulge a small child, who yet again, got her own way. “Yeah. I like to keep my promises.”
“What’s the deal?”
“We stay married while I stay sober, and he still supports me. I need time to work this all out. So…” Vickie shrugged and turned away as if that were enough of an explanation.
“Wait. You want Donny to support you while you refuse to work again?” Her father paraphrased her. Tracy didn’t like the sounds of that either, but she understood the guilt that led Donny to go down that road.
“I’ll work on not drinking,” Vickie clarified.
“Why Gretchen? Why live there?”
“Because she has the most influence over me.”
Gretchen nodded. “It’s true. She’s right.”
Donny glanced at Tony. “How did you ever agree to this?”
He scowled back. “I vowed for better or worse, and this is the worse.”
Vickie’s eyebrows scrunched. “Hey. I’m right here.”
“Uh-huh,” Tony shrugged, unconcerned.
The conversation buzzed around back and forth between way too many siblings connected in much too twisted ways. Tracy quietly observed everyone without participating. But when she glanced up, and saw her father watching her, she flushed a deep scarlet. She eventually lifted the side of her mouth and shrugged, mouthing, “I’m sorry.”
Her mother sat on the couch, her arms folded over her chest as she pressed her lips together, seemingly determined not to talk. She glared at Tracy almost as if she wished she were never born.
Her father suddenly stood up and crossed the room. He stood over Tracy, then leaned down, grabbed her under her armpits, lifted her up and… started hugging her. She briefly worried he was coming over to smack her across the face. But no. He clutched her tightly next to him. Not Vickie. Not Gretchen. Just Tracy.
Tears that should have come from the guilt of hurting her sister filled Tracy’s eyes. She sniffed and tried to hold them in. Her father leaned back, nodding into her face as he said, “I never knew you felt so overlooked. We must have done that too, if others observed it. It’s not okay, Tracy. I love you. I never worried about you because of the smart, caring, capable head on your shoulders. And if I never made that clear, then I’m the one who should be sorry. Not you.”
“Jay. She slept with her sister’s husband.”
Her father whipped around. “It sounds like they all have a pretty good grasp on why that happened. Besides, it’s not for us to say. Maybe I’m thinking even Vickie has no right to say. Whatever, Tracy is our daughter too, and I could care less whom she decides to sleep with. Just as I’ve learned not to hold anything against Vickie. Examine, that Gayle, if you can.”
Tracy’s mouth dropped opened and did not shut. Seeing her father, stand up and defend her to her mother, as well as Vickie, astonished her. He smiled as he took her hand. “I think I’d like to take a walk with my daughter and get to know her better. It’s been a hell of a year for her, and I’d like to hear more about it. You all can figure out why Vickie is here, and what she’s up to next. Right now, I want to know what Tracy is up to.”
With that shocking turn of events, Tracy let her father lead her out the front door. They went down to the beach and he started talking to her.
Chapter Twenty-Two
DAMN. EVEN OLD PEOPLE can change. Donny watched Tracy and her father walking down the beach together in deep, intimate conversation. He turned from the window to face the quiet room. That is not how he pictured their odd-as-hell conversation ending. He thought maybe he’d storm out of there with Tracy. Or be banished by Vickie and Gayle. Or get tackled by their father. He really didn’t think it would end up with her father changing the results.
The smile that hovered over his lips disappeared when Vickie suddenly planted herself right in front of him. “So, where does that leave me?”
He shook his head. “It leaves you where you always are, Vickie, back on your feet with everyone else taking care of you.”
He glanced at his brother. “Seriously, are you taking her in?”
Tony nodded, his expression turning glum. “Seriously, she’s on a strict no drinking, talking to a counselor, and following Gretchen’s plans for healing program.”
“And that’s better than rehab? Are you sure, Vickie?”
“I think so.”
“And Julia?”
Donny put a hand out to her shoulder and squeezed it. “You put some thought into this.”
“I did actually, yes.”
“I think it’s a really good idea. I’m proud of you.”
She reached her hand up and squeezed his hand, which was still on her shoulder. “Thank you. That means a lot to me.”
“So… You’re what? Fine now? Good enough to go all the way across the country? And leave me? How can all this be happening?” Gayle sat on the couch, looking around helplessly, as lost as Julia would have been trying to follow a lecture on quantum physics.
“Mom, she has a real problem. This isn’t all fun and games anymore. This isn’t Vickie being flighty and cute. This is serious. If she can build some kind of foundation to stay sober, she could maybe become the kind of mother Julia deserves,” Gretchen spoke up finally.
“While her father sleeps with her aunt?”
“That’s none of our business.”
Tony smiled at Donny, seeming to ignore Gayle’s presence. “So I guess I owe you an apology. I was wrong. She will go for it. I never dreamed you’d fuckin’ pull that off.”
Gretchen stood up, towering over Tony now with her arms crossed. “My mother is right over there. Watch your mouth. And what do you mean, you were wrong? You knew?”
Donny felt his cheek twitching. He bit it to hold back his irrepressible grin. Gretchen was staring at Tony with her delicate eyebrows raised, nearly tapping her foot anxiously in a totally pissed off spousal stance. Tony shuffled his feet and cleared his throat. “It was between brothers.”
