Forbidden Ecstasy

by Janelle Taylor

  Gray Eagle quickly and unknowingly reacted to his unexpected charges. He easily slipped into English and coldly stated, “Wanmdi Hota is no coward! Mercy and honor do not belong to betrayers! I should strike you dead for these insults! She loved the scout Powchutu! She escaped to marry him! She carried his child while she joined with me! I should demand her life as payment for her treachery, but she lives,” he sneered, deeply offended by Joe’s insults and livid animosity.

  Joe gaped at him in astonishment. “Where did you get such ridiculous ideas? She has never loved any man but you! She carried your child! Powchutu was her friend, nothing more. Show her to me. Let us speak together. Prove to me she is safe and well,” he demanded.

  “How do you know such things?” Gray Eagle demanded in a crisp tone. “Why have you come to find her?”

  “When she left here, she came to my cabin. She had lost the child and was dying. It took me many days to save her life. There was a knife wound on her shoulder. It grew red and swollen. She became feverish. She spoke much during those days and nights. When she was well again, she told me many other things. Why did you leave her in the wilderness to die? Why did you not kill her quickly and mercifully? I had not thought you so cruel to one so weak and helpless. Without food, water, or protection, Wanmdi Hota! To just ride away and leave her there to die! I must hear this from my koda. Why did you wish her dead in this cruel manner?”

  Gray Eagle was bewildered. “Your words make no sense, Koda Joe. The scout Powchutu shot me and left me for dead. Alisha left with him. When my wounds healed, their trail was lost to me forever. When I sought out my enemy Yellow-hair, she was his wife,” he snarled with scorn. It was clear to him that someone had lied to his friend Joe.

  Joe saw that the warrior was telling the truth. He tried to clear up this treacherous mystery. “Then why did you not return to her side? She waited where you left her for two days. She suffered without water or food. Powchutu found her and saved her life. Why would you claim he shot you? He said you had returned to your camp. He said you told your people she was dead. Powchutu told me how he searched for her after you returned to camp. He knew she was not dead! He found her right where you had left her to die! When he told Alisha you would not return for her, she wanted to come here to face you with your betrayal. Powchutu would not allow it. Why did you hurt her in this cruel way? She loved you. She even saved your life! She is too precious to destroy.”

  “I could not return to her side!” Gray Eagle cried in fury. “She sent the scout to kill me! They escaped together! He said she carried his child! He revealed her lies and deceit to me! She tricked me! She betrayed me! I loved her and joined with her! She was like my own heart! She wanted the scout, not me. I have made her pay for her betrayal,” he confessed, unable to curb his tongue.

  “Somebody lies!” Joe insisted. “Powchutu said you left her to die. He told her you had returned to camp and would never come back for her. She was alone and unprotected for two days, with no food or water. She believes you tried to kill her. She believes you hated her and betrayed her,” Joe told the troubled man before him.

  Suspicion and doubt began to gnaw at both men. They stared at each other as the truth began to dawn on them.

  “She told you these things?” Gray Eagle asked in disbelief.

  “Powchutu told me while Alisha lay dying in my cabin. He was sad and angry. He blamed himself for her attack by those two white trappers. He spoke of his great love for her. He said he wanted to marry her. She refused him; she still felt married to you in her heart. I saw him plead with her for her love and acceptance. She could not give them to the scout, for she loved you. Many times she cried because she still loved and wanted you, even after your cruel betrayal.”

  Joe breathed deeply, then went on. “When she was feverish, she spoke of her love for you and of your treachery. When she was well, she told me of her days with you. Many times she wept and asked me, ‘Why did he do this, Joe? Why did he hate me so much? Why did he betray my love?’ She did not betray you, Wanmdi Hota. All she did was love you and accept you.”

  Joe witnessed the look of grief and shame which was growing within the warrior’s eyes. “When she learned of the child, she wanted to return to you. She hoped the child would end your hatred and cruelty. Powchutu talked her out of coming back to you. He convinced her you would seek revenge. She wanted this child of yours because it was all she could have of you. She cried many nights because she lost both you and the child. Powchutu was only a brother to her. I saw this with my own eyes. I also saw her pain and loneliness. I listened to her tears. I held her in my arms and comforted her as she wept over your loss and betrayal.”

  Guilt and dread tormented Gray Eagle. If Joe’s words were true… his piercing gaze alit on Alisha’s new headband, reminding him of a missing clue. “They lied to you, Koda Joe. She sent me a parting gift to prove her hatred. The scout gave it to me before he shot me. She sent me the headband from our joining. She said she no longer needed the protection of Shalee.”

  Joe instantly argued, “That’s impossible! She still had her wedding heyake and headband when she came to my cabin. The day before she left my cabin for the St. Louis settlement, I found her crying as she was preparing to leave. In her pain, she was trying to destroy the dress. She told me how she got it from Brave Bear. She said you fought a challenge to join with her. She told me about the joining ceremony. When she spoke of how you looked that night, her eyes and voice were filled with great love. The scout could not have given you the headband; it is at this moment in my cabin. I will bring it to you if you doubt my words.” Joe went on to accurately describe Alisha’s wedding dress and the headband with its fluffy white feather. He recounted her tales about the feather incidents, the ones which she had fortunately told him that last day.

  Gray Eagle hurried to his parfleche and snatched out its contents. He seized the bloodstained headband and held it up to view. For the first time ever, he examined it closely and intensely. His sudden enlightenment was agonizing. This was not the one from their joining; it was very similar, but noticeably different upon close study. But until this very day, the treacherous item had remained where he had placed it the moment after showing it to White Arrow.

  At that discovery, it required very little for Gray Eagle to realize what had really happened that supposedly traitorous day. He and Joe gradually pieced together a picture which ravaged his heart and tore at his reason. Joe completed the tormenting tale with the details of Alisha’s life with Powchutu and Jeffery. The riddle was solved; the puzzle complete.

  Gray Eagle anxiously paced the confines of his tepee as bits of conversation echoed in his mind, this time with clarity and meaning. Now he could comprehend Alisha’s honest confusion, her fearful resistance, her vivid suspicion, and her silent suffering. All of this time she had believed him to be the deceiver and the betrayer, just as he had placed the guilt and blame upon her innocent shoulders.

  He could not bear to recall what he had done to her these past weeks. Even thinking him guilty of such cruelty and deceit, she had been willing to forgive him and to begin a new life. Yet, he had not offered her that same understanding and mercy. He had accused her of terrible things, called her vile names, treated her with coldness and brutality. He had refused her love and touch. He had tormented her with her need for him. The truth…

  Alisha had truly loved him and wanted him. She had not deceived him. She had waited for him to return that fateful day. She had thought him guilty of leaving her there to die. She did not know of the scout’s lies and treachery. She did not know of his own wounds. The child had been his son, just as she had vowed. She had spoken the truth, but his blind hatred and jealousy concealed it from him. No man had taken her except him…. She now carried another child, his child…. He had hurt her deeply. He had shamed her, defiled her, tormented her… all because she loved him. How she must surely hate him now!

  “If he was not dead, Koda Joe, I would hunt him down and torture him for many m
oons before I cut out his traitorous heart. He has tricked us both. I have punished her for deeds she did not do,” he confessed.

  Joe tensed, hoping he had not arrived too late. “Where is she, Wanmdi Hota? What have you done to her? She is innocent; you must set her free. Where is she?” he asked again, afraid of the coming answer.

  “You remain here. I must go to her with the truth. If she did not carry my child, I would free her if she asked. Perhaps she hates me now. Perhaps she will not forgive me. But I cannot lose them both. If she will not hear my words, you must speak with her, Koda Joe.”

  “Do you really love her and want her?” Joe felt compelled to ask, knowing his answer would determine his future help.

  “I have always loved her and wanted her. She is my heart. She is my life and joy. She is like a part of me. I could not kill her, for I could not give her up. I believed she hated me and tricked me, but I needed her too much to avenge myself with her death. Somehow I must find the words to gain her forgiveness and trust. I must go to her now. I must tell her of the scout’s treachery. Great Spirit, help me to make her understand,” he prayed aloud, feeling the damage was irreparable.

  Alisha knelt by the sparkling, murmuring stream. She silently prayed for peace between herself and her husband and for the safety of their unborn child. She sat upon the green grass and gazed into the clear waters, watching the circular motions of a small whirlpool which reminded her of the swirling maelstrom in her mind. She yearned to return to Gray Eagle’s tepee to forge a new truce; yet, she feared to hear his renewed suspicions and hostilities.

  Why did she feel there was some threatening, unknown factor which denied her his trust and love? He suspected her of sleeping with two other men. He couldn’t accept the fact this child was his, nor that the other child had been his. She had told him the truth; he had no reason to mistrust her or to be jealous and resentful of those other men. Why was he so different this time? Why did he seem to be punishing her for some unknown sin? He made such strange accusations and comments which she did not comprehend. If he hated her so much for surviving his treachery, then why force her to be his wife? If he did not want her to bear his child, then why make love to her? If she lost this child, there would be no reason to live… no reason to continue to endure his rejection.

  Gray Eagle stepped into her blurred line of vision. Her frightened gaze rushed upwards to meet his unreadable one. “I was about to return. It was so beautiful and peaceful out here, I…” she stammered in panic, fearing the reason for his sudden arrival.

  He dropped to one knee before her. He studied her for a time, wondering how to open an old wound and to heal it properly. His hand reached out to caress away the lines of fear and sadness in her expression. She automatically flinched from his touch, terror glimmered in her wide eyes. Her breathing quickened.

  “I have hurt you deeply, Little One,” he whispered in a strained tone, calling her a name he had not used since that day in the desert. “I have been cold and cruel to you since I found you again. This was wrong, Alisha. I ask your forgiveness and acceptance. Return your love to me,” he tenderly pleaded in a husky voice.

  Astonished, suspicious lights entered her emerald eyes. She leaned away from his closeness. “What new trick is this?” she spoke his own previous doubt aloud. “I have sworn to obey you in all things. You need not trick me or lie to me. What is your command?”

  “I command you to love me as I love you, to want me as I want you,” he answered the stunned girl. “I do not lie or trick you, Alisha. Powchutu is the one who tricked you. I did not betray you that last day; I did not ride away and leave you there to die. I could not return to you because he came after me and shot me. The scout said you wanted me dead. He said you loved him. He said you carried his child. He said you two tricked me in Black Cloud’s camp. He said it was a trap to be rid of me. He said you never loved me. He said you were escaping to marry him. He lied to me. He tricked me. I believed you guilty of betraying me that day. I believed you guilty of carrying his child while you joined with me. I believed you married to Yellow-hair. These were all lies. All tricks. I was wrong to hurt you. I did not leave you to die. Powchutu lied,” he repeated, hoping his words were sinking through her confused mind.

  “I do not believe you. Why do you say such things! What new torment is this vow of love and need?

  Powchutu had always told me the truth. He was the only friend I had. He was the one who rescued me when you left me to die. For two days I waited for you! I stupidly feared something had happened to you! Yet, I knew nothing and no one could ever harm you. You never came back for me! When my friend Powchutu found me, he told me what you had done. 0, Wanmdi Hota, why didn’t you just cut out my heart with your knife! That couldn’t have hurt any more! Was it such a crime to love you? I tried to win your love, to reach you with the force of mine. But your hatred of the white man consumed you. Your hunger for revenge cost the life of our child. I shall never forgive you for that! Powchutu couldn’t have told you I was carrying a child; he was just as surprised as I was when I discovered the truth. We had been gone for weeks by then!”

  Tears began to come again. Yet, the dam had burst and the flood waters of pent-up anguish rushed out. “Do you know how it feels to kill a man with your hands, to have his blood on you?”

  Realizing the absurdity of that question to a fierce warrior, she sighed and answered it herself, “Of course, you do! Your life is full of death and killing. Mine was not, not until I met you. God, how I have paid for the mistake of loving you. You took my uncle, my friends, my home, my innocence, my child, my happiness, everything! But that wasn’t enough for you! You had to torment me, humiliate me, hurt me, and then try to kill me. My God, Wanmdi Hota, let it be over! Let us find peace together. Love me or release me, even to death if necessary. I cannot live this way! I will not lose this child, I will not!” she screamed at him.

  Gray Eagle held Alisha’s wrists and sought out her emerald eyes. “Most of your words are true, Alisha,” he said sincerely. “I have sought to hurt you as I was hurt, to punish you for something you did not do. I ask for forgiveness. Upon my life and honor, I did not betray you! Powchutu lied to both of us, Little One. I love you. You are the bird of my heart. You must hear this truth.”

  Time crawled by as they spoke together. Whatever argument Alisha challenged him with, Gray Eagle gently and patiently parried it. He answered every single question and doubt. He silenced her long enough to relate the tale he and Joe had figured out. He forced her to recognize the treachery of her friend. He forced her to see how he had felt and why he had so cruelly tormented her since bringing her home.

  He began with their last day in the desert and recounted his feelings to that very minute. At his firm insistence, Alisha did the same. He pointed out why Powchutu would attempt such treachery: obsessive love for her and mistrust of him. He related how her enforced silence had denied them the truth sooner. He pointed out how many of her statements explained his errors in judgment.

  Yet, when all was said and done, neither could find the words to breach the wide and pain-filled gulf between them. At last the entire truth was out, but was it too late to matter?

  Alisha stood up and walked away from Gray Eagle; her cramped legs and taut body demanded some relief. She halted near a large tree beside the riverbank. She leaned back against it. There was so much to ponder. Could she forgive all the agony which Gray Eagle had brought into her life? Could she forgive him for refusing to doubt her guilt? Could she forget his continued hostility when she had pleaded for truce? Could she still love him and want him after all of this suffering?

  Her hands unknowingly cupped her womb. As she thought of the child growing there, she also thought about his father. She could envision his sensual smile, his jet eyes, his inviting embrace, and his intoxicating magnetism. Just as her heart and mind placed this tempting illusion into her mind’s eye, Gray Eagle stepped before her gaze.

  Their eyes met and fused. So much was said witho
ut words. She weakened at the sight of such love and desire written in his gaze. “Can you forgive me, Cinstinna? Can you love me again? I cannot bear to lose you again. Just as you thought me guilty, I thought you guilty. I should not have hurt you so deeply. I should have demanded an explanation. I should have known the scout lied. Yet, there was such skill in his words. Was there not, Little One? Did you not accept his lies as truth? Did you not question me? Did you not think me guilty? Our time together was too short; we had not learned trust and loyalty. Our love was so strong that we feared to lose it; we feared to trust it. I cannot let you go now. You carry our child. Never will I harm you again. Can we not share love and happiness?”

  Alisha did not answer him. He cupped her face between his hands. His eyes pleaded as much as his voice did. “I love you, Alisha. I need you. I have taken no woman since I lost you. I have taken no woman since the first day my eyes saw you. You are a part of me. Forgive me. Love me once again.”

  He pulled her into his arms, hoping the heated contact with his body would sway her opinion. Alisha’s arms encircled his waist. She looked up at him and softly whispered, “I will try to understand. I will try to forgive you. There has been so much pain and sadness since that day I lost you. We must learn from these mistakes and hardships. We must never be torn apart again. No matter what anyone says, we must trust each other. No matter what happens or how things look, we must first listen to each other’s words. If we have been given another chance to find love and happiness, we must earn it.”

  She smiled up at him, her eyes glowing with love and hope. “I do love you with all my heart, Wanmdi Hota. You are the only man I have ever loved. You are the only man who has taken me. No child has lived within my body except yours. These things I swear to you. All I want is to love you, for us to be happy. I grieve for the pain and suffering Powchutu has given us. I should have…”