Life After Love

by K. G. MacGregor

  The glass door was propped open with cardboard folded into a makeshift doorstop, which probably meant the owners were too cheap to run the air conditioner on one of the hottest days of the summer. Where else were they cutting corners?

  She got her answer the moment she stepped inside. Dirty shelves, stained carpet and merchandise displayed in the wrong bins. There were boxes stacked askew in random places throughout the store, and the counter was littered with mailing labels and envelopes that might never make it to their intended destinations. Why on earth would customers trust this Pak & Ship with their personal mail?

  As she browsed the packing supplies, she checked out the counter clerk, a dark-haired woman who appeared to be in her early twenties. Her attention was glued to a game show that played on a TV mounted in the corner. It was telling that Bea had wandered the store alone for five minutes and the woman hadn’t offered to assist her.

  This Pak & Ship was failing because the owner had turned over his business to apathetic employees with no oversight. She had little doubt she could turn it around if she hired and trained the right help, and split her time between the stores.

  The clerk barely took her eyes from the TV screen as she collected the money for Bea’s modest purchase. She probably worked for minimum wage and cared little if customers came back or not.

  As she turned to leave, a woman entered the store and walked straight to the mailboxes on the far wall. Tall and bone thin with silky blond hair, there was something familiar about her. It was only when she looked up that Bea caught a glimpse of her turquoise eyes and realized who she was.

  “Allyn? Allyn Teague?”

  Allyn also took an extra moment before recognition set in, but then gave a tentative smile. Not a huge grin by any means…kind of wistful in fact. She’d lost weight—a great deal of weight—to the point that her breastbone was prominent across the scoop of her tank top. “Bea Lawson. Aren’t you a little out of your neighborhood?”

  “Just doing a little competitive intelligence,” she replied, keeping her voice low. Not that it mattered, since the clerk was absorbed in her game show again. “This franchise is for sale and I’m checking it out. I figure Kit could help me turn it around. You remember her, the woman who works for me.”

  “With the Big Ol’ Dyke tattoo.” Allyn brushed her upper arm.

  “That’s the one.” Bea hadn’t seen Allyn since the short walk they’d taken together last January, and recalled now that she’d sent in a notice by email to have her mail forwarded to this branch. “I take it you live in this neighborhood now.”

  “Yeah, I have an apartment a couple of blocks from here. Quite a step down from Redwood Heights, huh?”

  “I wouldn’t say that at all. I always liked this area. In fact, I would have put my store here if there hadn’t already been one.” Bea was glad for the sudden rain shower, a staple of August, that kept them huddled on the sidewalk in front of the store. Though Allyn had never been what she’d call a friend, she often wished their last conversation hadn’t ended on such a caustic note. “I don’t want to be nosy or anything, but how are you doing?”

  Allyn smiled grimly. “I’m…fine, I guess. I owe you an apology. You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve thought about that day we went out for a walk and I snapped your head off. Everything was so raw back then. One minute I felt like my heart would stop beating, and the next I’d be mad that it didn’t. I took that out on you, and I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay. I could see you were in a really bad place.” She wouldn’t make the mistake again of presuming to know how Allyn felt.

  “It was a tough time. Selling the house and all our stuff. Dealing with the lawyers, and then having to tell everybody what happened when I didn’t even understand it myself.”

  “You look like you’ve lost a lot of weight.” Way too much, in fact.

  “I had some trouble eating after Melody left. Then my stomach got all screwed up. Some days it feels like I’m getting back to normal, whatever that is. I just try to put one foot in front of the other and keep walking.”

  Seven months was a long time to grieve, especially since it seemed to be taking such a physical toll. “How’s work going?”

  “Busier than ever. It turned out to be a good place to put my energy.”

  Bea could relate to that. If not for the demands of her store, she might never have pulled herself out of her funk.

  The rain lessened but not enough that Allyn could walk home without getting soaked.

  “Can I give you a lift?”

  Allyn scrunched her nose as she peeked out from under the awning. “It’s just a little water. I won’t melt.”

  “No, but your mail will get wet.” Bea raced to her car and leaned over to open the passenger door. “Dexter’s going to go crazy when he picks up your scent and realizes you’ve been in my car.”

  “How is my little buddy?”

  “Still amazing. Sweet as ever. Hey, we’re going to Summerfest tomorrow in Kirkwood. Why don’t you come with us? There’s music, street performers and my personal favorite, the best bratwurst in Seattle.”

  “Thanks, but…” Allyn shook her head. “I just don’t think I’d be much fun.”

  “You don’t have to be fun. You just have to have fun. Have you been out much since Melody left?”

  “With other people? Not really. It feels creepy to hang out with our old friends knowing some of them still keep up with Melody. I got invited to a party over Memorial Weekend—I didn’t go—but I found out later she and her new girlfriend were there. They’d flown up for the holiday so Melody could introduce her to everyone.” Her voice got louder and more resentful with every word. “It would have been a disaster if I’d gone because I probably would have cried and yelled and made a general fool of myself. I don’t have any idea what she’s told any of our friends, but mostly I’m worried someone will report back to her about me. I don’t want her to know I’m still a mess after all this time.”

  Bea was hesitant to reply, worried one tiny spark would ignite the air around them. The alternative was increasingly awkward silence. “I totally get it. And since you’re not seeing any of your old friends, that’s all the more reason you should come with Dexter and me tomorrow. I have to warn you though that some of my pals might be there, but we don’t have to hang out with them unless you want to.”

  Allyn sighed but nodded slightly, more like surrender than enthusiasm. “I don’t know, Bea. If I go…how do I say this? It’s not like a date or anything, is it? Because I’m not up for that sort of thing. And I’m not really up for socializing with a whole bunch of people either. You know, I probably shouldn’t go.”

  “Just chill a minute. It’s not a date, and like I said, we don’t have to hook up with anybody. Just say hi if they walk by. The fact is, I get tired of always being the only one there not attached at the hip to somebody else—not that I mind being by myself. It’s just that sometimes I feel like a third wheel, so I kind of make it a rule not to hang around the same people too long. And when I start to feel like everyone’s pairing off, I leave.”

  “I guess I could handle that.”

  “Cool. Keep in mind though if anybody sees us they might think we’re together, but that’s actually good because it means they won’t be trying to fix either of us up with anyone else. You wouldn’t believe the women they want me to meet. They’re either twenty or sixty. Unemployed or retired. Tattooed or Botoxed.”

  Allyn finally laughed, the first chortle that sounded both genuine and spontaneous.

  “Seriously, do I look that desperate to you?” Bea joked. “I mean, I know I’m not a prize or anything, but I could get a date if I really wanted one. It just so happens I prefer my dog to most people. He’s not the best kisser, but…”

  “Oh, no. Don’t even go there. You’re creeping me out.”

  “I’ve always said dogs were great company. Make of that what you will.” She started the car and eased out of the parking space. “Now tell me w
here I’m going so I’ll know where to pick you up.”

  On the short drive to Allyn’s apartment complex, Bea could hear Kit’s mocking voice playing in her head. Was she flirting with Allyn? She hadn’t meant to. Catching a woman on the rebound was always a bad idea, especially a woman who was so obviously devastated.

  Not only devastated. Damaged. The drastic weight loss was more than just “a little trouble eating,” and her willingness to cut herself off from everyone she knew because of Melody was borderline paranoia.

  Yet there was something Bea found compelling, whether it was just the chance to reach out to another human being and let her know the world was still a decent place, or some deep-seated desire to be a rescuer. She remembered the old Allyn as sweet and easygoing. Bea wanted that woman back.

  Chapter Six

  “It’s not a date,” Allyn repeated as she dusted her cheeks with blush. The last time she’d bothered with makeup was over a month ago when she’d gone shopping for clothes that would fit her much thinner frame.

  Blessed with a smooth complexion and eyes so blue that even strangers commented on them, she’d never been one to go overboard when it came to cosmetics. Her brows were naturally sculpted and her blond lashes so long they didn’t need mascara to stand out. Still, a little foundation and eye shadow highlighted what she thought were her best features. After what she’d been through, anything that made her feel better about herself was worth doing.

  It surprised her to realize this morning that she was looking forward to spending the day with Bea. “And Dexter,” she reminded herself aloud. The lesbian community in Seattle was large enough to hold two completely independent social circles, meaning there was a good chance she wouldn’t run into any of her old friends. Even if she did, the worst that could happen was someone telling Melody they’d seen her out with Bea Lawson. Considering Melody had once remarked that she thought Bea was cute, it wouldn’t be the end of the world if word got back to her. In fact, it might even trigger a little jealousy.

  She tugged on a new pair of knee-length stonewashed jeans and tried on several tops, settling on a rust-colored off-the-shoulder knit. One advantage to being thinner was being able to wear a tank top underneath instead of a bra, and she loved the freedom.

  In all, she’d dropped thirty-three pounds off her five-nine frame, from a size fourteen to an eight. It was true she’d had stomach issues after Melody left, but by the time she got her anxiety and depression under control well enough to start eating again, she’d become fascinated with her power to move the scales. It was satisfying finally to be in control of something, and it was visual proof of the harm Melody had inflicted on her. But then her periods stopped, and her doctor told her she was flirting with anorexia, which he characterized as a mental health disorder. She couldn’t allow Melody to break her that way, since it would only add to the list of reasons she’d left. I always knew Allyn had mental issues .

  She’d finally learned the other woman’s name from a real estate document she’d signed as a witness to Melody’s signature, and was able to put together bits and pieces about who she was—Naomi Frankland, a grant writer in the College of Letters, Arts and Science at the University of Arizona. She was twenty-nine and from Flagstaff where her father was a minister. Probably named her for the Biblical character. Allyn would have loved being a fly on the wall for Melody’s trip home to meet the family. Dad, this is my new lesbian lover, who happens to be married to someone else .

  At least Melody had the good sense to keep their photos off Facebook, but Allyn managed to find one of Naomi in the university’s newsletter. Short hair, plain face with pale features. From her broad shoulders and the obvious muscles in her arms and neck, she looked like an athlete. Odd, since Melody hated anything having to do with sports.

  The same general physical description could apply to Bea, except Naomi was plain vanilla whereas Bea was far more distinctive. Bea’s triangular face, dark shaggy hair and wide green eyes reminded her of anime, the Japanese cartoon figures.

  Melody was right about Bea, but cute wasn’t quite the right word. Striking was more like it.

  The last step to getting ready was collecting her jewelry—onyx earrings that matched her tank top, a silver wristwatch woven into a black leather bracelet, and her wedding ring, a wide gold band with diamond insets she’d taken to wearing on her right hand. If the day ever came that Melody returned, she wanted to be able to say she’d never stopped wearing it. That would prove her love was unbreakable.

  Bea saved her the anxiety of waiting by knocking on the door ten minutes early. She wore a loose, white cotton shirt tucked into casual gray shorts, cuffed so they hit her mid-thigh, and sports sandals. An attractive outfit for its simplicity. It was the first time Allyn could recall seeing her in anything but khaki pants and a dark green shirt with Pak & Ship stitched on the pocket.

  “Hey! I didn’t mean to get here so soon but there’s hardly any traffic. Guess everyone’s in church but us heathens.”

  “It’s okay. I’m ready.”

  Dexter barked and stood on his hind legs as Bea held firm to his leash.

  Allyn was pleased he seemed to remember her, and she cradled his head to deliver a kiss to his snout. “Are you expecting a treat? Is that why you’re prancing around? I don’t have any. Maybe a slice of ham.”

  “Forget the treat. He’d much rather get sweet-talked and scratched behind the ears.”

  “It’s nice he remembers me.”

  “He wouldn’t forget his best buddy. I think he missed you when you moved over here. We went walking one day in Redwood Heights and he got really excited when we went by your old house.”

  “I haven’t been back there at all.” She’d never even met the new owners, opting to handle the closing by mail after their agent said Melody wouldn’t be attending. Per their final agreement, they’d split a tidy profit of twenty-eight thousand, though Melody had paid closing costs and attorney fees out of hers. Allyn had banked her windfall in hopes of sharing it if they ever got back together. “I don’t miss it. It was always…I don’t know, too cookie cutter for me. That’s fine for an apartment or condo, but houses ought to have more character.”

  “If by character you mean creaky floors and noisy pipes, then mine qualifies. It also has dog toys in every room.”

  Before they got in, Bea hitched Dexter’s harness to a seat belt in the backseat.

  “I get the feeling I’m taking his spot,” Allyn said.

  “Actually, I am. If it weren’t for that harness, he’d be in my lap trying to drive.”

  It was good to have Dexter around because he lent a casual aura to the day. Allyn had no idea why she’d even said yes to coming along in the first place. Events like these—festivals, fairs, craft shows—had never been high on her list. Too many people milling around, ridiculous traffic and parking, and no place to sit if you got tired. At least those were Melody’s complaints, which made them Allyn’s too.

  “We never went to many things like this,” she volunteered. “Melody worked all week at the university and hardly ever wanted to do anything on the weekends except relax.”

  “Whereas you worked at home all the time. I bet you had a bad case of cabin fever.”

  “I got used to it.” Just one of the many accommodations she’d made so Melody would be happy. “I must not have cared about it too much because I’ve hardly been out of the house since she left.”

  “Today’s all about having fun. If you need proof, just look over your shoulder. Dexter gives out smiles for free.”

  The instant she turned around, Dexter’s tongue swiped her face.

  “What’d I tell you? It’s impossible to feel bad around a dog.”

  *

  With two bratwursts in hand, Bea stopped to survey the crowd so she could navigate her way back to where Allyn waited with Dexter. Their blanket was spread on the hillside. Allyn, shielding her eyes against the sun to see the action on the lake, was laughing. It was nice to see her enjoyin
g herself.

  “Here you go, mustard and sauerkraut. What did I miss?”

  “All of the boats are falling apart as soon as they hit the water.”

  “Ah, the Cardboard Regatta. Whoever paddles the farthest without sinking wins.”

  “Who dreams up these silly things?” Allyn took a bite of her brat, leaving a dab of mustard on her chin.

  Bea nonchalantly reached out with her napkin and wiped it away. “I suppose it could be a metaphor for the futility of life.”

  “The Fatalism Festival?”

  “That’s in the fall, in Fauntleroy,” Bea quipped, relishing another smile from Allyn. “Next up is the Canine Carnival.”

  “In Canada!” they shouted simultaneously.

  Allyn took another bite and broke off a generous chunk for Dexter. “It feels good to laugh.”

  “It looks good on you too.” Kit would definitely consider that flirting, and Bea would be hard-pressed to disagree. “Everyone looks good when they smile. Don’t you think?”

  “I guess.” Her face had fallen, and she gave the rest of her brat to Dexter. “I haven’t had much to smile about for a long time. Some days I tell myself that’s it. I’ve cried enough, yelled enough, walked the floors enough, and I convince myself it’s time to put it all behind me. Then I come across a photo or a trinket, something that reminds me of what I’ve lost, and all I can think about is getting it back again.”

  “It must have been really devastating. I felt so sorry for you that day. I wanted to give you a hug but something told me you wouldn’t go for that.”

  The crowd around them cheered, but by the time they looked up, the spectacle had passed.

  “Melody’s the only person I’ve ever…you know, been with. She had a couple of girlfriends before we met, and now I wonder if she had any others while we were together. You think you know somebody, and then you find out it’s all just a mirage. How am I supposed to have faith in anything after that?”