To Know Me (The Complete Series, Books 1-4)

by Marcy Blesy

  “Ma’am, I am so sorry. Please let me clean this up for you.” Garry scowls at me and points to the kitchen. The woman is cackling so loud there’s not a soul in the entire building who doesn’t know her plight and who is responsible for it.

  “THAT GIRL SHOULD BE FIRED!”

  I throw off my fanny pack when I get to the kitchen and grab my jacket. No sense waiting around to be fired.

  “Where are you going?” asks Matt. He puts his hand on my arm. It’s warm.

  “I think you can figure that out.”

  “It wasn’t your fault those kids were running. It was an accident.”

  “Yeah, glad you bought that little act, but it was no accident. Garry knows it, too.”

  “Well, well,” says Matt. “You are quite devious this evening.” I am so angry right now I wish I could punch something. I hate people who think they’re better than me. I hate this restaurant. I hate my life. I want to leave. I want to be alone. All I can do is glare at Matt. “Don’t shoot arrows at me. I’m on your team. Just give me one minute, okay? Please?” I don’t know why, but I shake my head in agreement. Matt talks to the crew chief in the kitchen and then to Garry who is still cleaning up my mess in the dining room. “Let’s go,” he says when he returns to the kitchen. He grabs my hand and leads me around the obstacles in the kitchen and through the back door. When we are in the restaurant’s alley, he gets out his keys and remote starts his car. I follow and don’t question his gesture to get inside the car. We don’t talk as he drives out of the restaurant’s parking lot. I lean against the window and watch the lights of the restaurant’s sign get smaller and smaller as we drive away.

  “Where are we?” I ask as he comes to a stop in another parking lot.

  “My apartment,” Matt says.

  “Why?”

  “Because it might be the only time I can get you to come up to my room.” I look up at him. “It’s a joke, Mae. Come on. You need a beer. Let’s go.” He gets out of the car, comes around to my side, and opens my door. He holds out his hand. I take it and follow him into his apartment. It’s a mess. Muscle car magazines and empty pop cans litter the coffee table. A large screen TV is mounted to the wall, and an Xbox console sits on the floor under it. An assortment of games is scattered on his couch. He knocks them to the floor to make a spot for me.

  “Sorry about that. I wasn’t exactly expecting company.”

  “I didn’t know you had your own apartment,” I say.

  “Why wouldn’t I?”

  “You just said you had a big family. I assumed you still lived at home, wherever that is.” I realize I don’t know much about Matt.

  “My big family, if you will, is my parents, two sisters, and little brother. I grew up in Iowa. My grandparents live in Andersonville. They’re in and out of the hospital all the time, so I decided to go to school here so they’d have someone to check up on them. It’s true my family is revolving in and out of this place as well as my grandparents, but I live on my own.” He gestures to his apartment. “My oldest sister is a neat freak. She’ll be here for New Year’s day so things will get picked up then.” He looks so proud of himself I can’t help but crack a smile. “You should do that more often, you know?” he asks.

  “What?” I say.

  “Smile. You have the most beautiful smile. You hide it sometimes.”

  “I don’t hide anything!” I don’t know why I’m here. This was a mistake. Being with Matt isn’t going to fix the situation with my job, and it’s not going to fix my relationship with Ty. Matt stands up to block the door.

  “I’m sorry, Mae. Please. Just sit down.”

  “No, I’m leaving.” He moves out of the way, and I am in the parking lot before I remember that I don’t have my car. When I look back toward the building, Matt is still standing in the doorway. What am I doing? I storm past him back into the apartment.

  “I need a ride back to my car.” He walks over to me and whispers in my ear.

  “I won’t ask any questions. I’ll take you back to your car in an hour. Play video games with me. I need a partner. There’s no way I can beat my little brother on Forza without practice against a real life human, and he doesn’t even have a driver’s license yet. Plus, do you know how embarrassing it is to lose a driving game to a kid that’s just hit puberty?” It is the most ridiculous thing that has ever been whispered in my ear. So crazy, in fact, that I can’t stop the laughter. I laugh so hard that tears fall from my eyes. But before I can stop it from happening, the laughter tears switch gears and all the pain of the day comes washing out of me. I start to sob, standing inside Matt’s apartment. He puts his hands on my shoulders, tentatively at first. When I don’t resist, he pulls me into his chest, the teddy bear arms encircling my back. He holds me still, letting me cry. I don’t know how long I stand there. He doesn’t stop me, and true to his word, he doesn’t ask. My face is tingling when I am done. That cathartic feeling you’re supposed to get from a good cry isn’t nearly as refreshing as it should be. When I lift my head from Matt’s chest, I realize he is wearing half of my makeup on his shirt.

  “I’m so sorry,” I say. “I’ll wash it or get you a new one.”

  “No, it’s my fault. I had no idea you had such an aversion to video games.” I laugh.

  “You are so good,” I say.

  “Good at what?” he asks.

  “Just good.”

  “I might have ulterior motives,” he says.

  “I don’t care. You’re still good.” I wipe away a stray tear. More mascara comes away with it. Can I use your bathroom?”

  “Uh, sure. Remember that my sister’s going to make it all better in there soon. Don’t be too harsh.”

  After splashing water on my face and using my fingers to untangle my hair from my messy ponytail, I take a deep breath. I look hard at myself in the mirror. If Ty wants me to make my own decisions, then I will.

  “You look a little better,” says Matt. He’s been cleaning. The pop cans are gone off the table. The pillows are back at the ends of the couch, and he’s run a paper towel along the top of the coffee table to wipe away the leftover pizza crumbs.

  “Thanks. Looks like you don’t even need your sister’s help anymore.”

  “Shh, please don’t tell her I’m quite capable taking care of myself.”

  “Your secret’s safe, if you let me challenge you to that video game.”

  “Really? I can take you back to your car. I think I’ve done enough damage for one night.”

  “You didn’t do any damage. Go easy on me, though. I haven’t played video games since Laura—since my little sister forced me to play Barbie Horse Adventures on Play Station.”

  “That is some serious gaming. Let’s play some good old-fashioned Forza. I’ll even let you pick the racetrack and your car.”

  “It’s a deal.”

  I don’t even know what time it is when my phone starts ringing. At first I ignore it. I’m winning my first race of the night, and I’ll be damned if I’ll give up my lead to answer the phone.

  “Woo-hoo! About time. Take that!” No sense hiding my competitiveness. The phone rings again. This time I look at the number. It’s Mom. Uh-oh.

  “Hi, Mom. Yes, I know what time, well, no I don’t know what time…I know…You talked to Garry?....No, no. Everything’s…Mom! Listen. I’m playing video games with Matt. I’m fine. Everything is fine. I’ll be home in an hour. Don’t worry. Yes, I promise.”

  “Sorry about that,” I say to Matt.

  “No, I totally get it. My parents used to freak out if I’d be out after curfew.” I stare at him for a minute waiting for him to process what he’s just said. “Oh, no. I didn’t mean to imply you had a curfew. I’m sure you don’t have a curfew. I...I’m going to stop talking.”

  “Matt, don’t stop. I’m just playing with you. Mom has this thing about making sure I’m home in bed before she can sleep.”

  “Sure, I get it. My littlest sister is fifteen and my oldest is twenty-five. My
parents wouldn’t treat them any differently if they were both living in their house. They’re always Daddy’s little girls no matter the age.”

  “Uh-huh. Daddy’s little girls.” I repeat Matt’s words. They hang in the air. I wish I could grab them back, but I can’t. I used to be Daddy’s little girl once, too.

  “Did I say something wrong again?” Matt looks worried. I put my phone in my purse and sigh.

  “You did everything right tonight. Thanks so much. I had a lot of fun. Can you do me one more favor and take me back to my car?”

  “You bet.” The ride back to the Stewart’s Steakhouse parking lot is a lot more animated than the trip to Matt’s apartment. Matt promises that Garry won’t fire me. He’ll even rent out his sister for a blind date when she visits in order to get him to let me keep my job. I have a hard time thinking that’s chivalrous, though, and beg him to reconsider.

  “Well, we’re here. Want me to start your car and warm it up?” he asks.

  “I am not helpless, you know?” I say.

  “Oh, I know that. You are one badass I would not want to mess with.”

  “Hey!” I punch him in the arm. It hurts me more than it hurts him. He laughs. I put my hand on the door handle and stop to look at Matt one more time. “Thanks again for turning a really crappy day into a fun evening.” He grabs my free hand. I don’t pull it away. We lock eyes, neither of us making a move. I can almost hear my breath.

  “I don’t know what happened to make it such a crappy day, Mae. But if it has anything to do with your boyfriend,” I tense up at the mention of Ty, “then I need for you to know something.”

  “Matt, don’t,” I say.

  “No, I need you to know something. If there’s a chance now, give me a shot.” I bite my lip. My heart is pounding in my chest. It’s time I make my own decisions. Someone I still love very much said that not too long ago. I release the door handle and turn to face Matt. I take a deep breath.

  “I have a boyfriend, Matt. He doesn’t know if he wants me to transfer colleges after next semester. He can’t commit to our future. I’m tired of living my life always worrying about hurting someone. But it’s not that easy. I…I don’t…” Matt scoots closer. He puts a hand behind my head and the other on the sleeve of my jacket. I can feel his heart beat faster as he leans in to me, and I turn my head. I have to. Instead, his lips brush my cheek. He pulls away. “I cannot promise you anything, Matt, absolutely nothing. Thanks for being a shoulder to cry on tonight.”

  “Is that all I am? A shoulder to cry on? I think we have a connection, Mae. We have a lot of fun together.”

  “You know nothing about me, Matt. I’m just another potential score for you.”

  “You’re being such a bitch right now.”

  “What? How dare you call me a bitch!”

  “And how dare you say I’m just wanting to get in your pants.”

  “I’m going home now,” I say.

  “I think that’s a good idea,” says Matt. I’m halfway out the door when Matt yells out to me. “When you figure out that I’m good for you and you’re free of your obligations, call me. Give me a chance to know you better. But don’t take out your frustrations on me anymore. I didn’t do anything to deserve that.” I hear what he says, but I don’t respond. How could I? He’s right. I am being a bitch. I’m angry at him because Ty can’t commit his whole life to me after less than a year together. Is that even fair to Ty? And what in the hell am I supposed to do now? And why do I regret turning my head?

  Chapter 18:

  Garry called this morning. He’s making me take a week sabbatical. It’s fine because I don’t really miss the job, but I could use the money. Since I’m still on winter break, I had planned on working extra hours. That, and I won’t be able to see Matt. I miss him. We have so much fun together. Then there’s Ty. I miss him, too. He snapped me back to reality at a time when what I really needed was a good slap in the face. Imagining my future isn’t possible without him being a part of the picture. It’s the distance that’s been our biggest obstacle. Distance makes the heart grow fonder is how the saying goes. I feel like that’s been mostly true for me, but with Ty being unable or unwilling to talk about my place at U of M with him, I can’t help but be angry. I have way too much time to sit here and think. Ty wants me to make a decision, so that’s exactly what I’ll do.

  I take out my University of Michigan packet and pull up the information on transfer credit online. The College of Literature at U of M accepts transfer students but prefers a sophomore or higher standing. I have a perfect grade point average. It’s not a slam dunk, but I have a shot. I spend the afternoon filling out the application online. As soon as school is back in session, I’ll get the transfer information ready to send with my online application. There’s no need to make a permanent decision yet, but at least I’ll be prepared. Mom assures me that money won’t be an issue. With insurance money from Dad’s death and Mom’s inheritance of Grandma’s money, I will be fine. Plus, I’ll get a job in Ann Arbor, too. Living with Ty would save money, but who knows his thoughts on that? We aren’t on the same page about anything to do with school.

  “Hey, Mae.”

  “Hi, Mom.”

  “Have you heard from Ty?”

  “Nope, not a word. Not even a text.”

  “I’m sorry, honey. You two will figure it out.” I’m surprised that Ty’s lack of communication has affected me so little. It’s been three days since he left. I thought for sure he would have contacted me by now. He’s really pissed this time.

  “Is the University of Michigan a priority to you?”

  “What do you mean, Mom?”

  “If you and Ty don’t work things out, or if you do, what part does the university itself play in your future plans?”

  “It’s an amazing school. I know that. My prospects for teaching English or writing for print, or whatever I want to do, are probably enhanced if I were to graduate from U of M. But, it’s far away from you, and I know I could get a good education transferring to somewhere closer like Illinois State or the University of Illinois.”

  “Then if that’s the case, don’t you think you should make this decision for you and you alone?” I don’t answer right away. She’s right, though. It’s really what Ty was saying all along, too. I can hear him in my mind, Do what’s good for you, independent of me.

  “Thanks, Mom,” I say hugging her tight. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too, Macy.”

  “Want to rent lots of classic 80s movies and eat big bowls of popcorn with Hershey kisses for New Year’s Eve? Just like old times?” I ask.

  “Oh, Macy, I have…I could…”

  “Mom, do you have plans?” The thought didn’t even cross my mind.

  “Actually, I do. Some of us from my widow support group are going out for dinner and drinks. I can cancel if you want me to.”

  “No way, Mom. That’s awesome. I’m really happy for you.” I am, too. If anyone deserves happiness in this family, it’s my mom.

  It’s New Year’s Eve day. I have made no plans, and as the hours tick away in the day, I realize with dread that I am missing the idea of that midnight kiss very much. This was supposed to be a magical night for Ty and me, our first New Year’s together. Maybe I’ve put too much pressure on him to be perfect. Maybe the best thing for me would be to be alone, to not put my ideals for perfection on others. Then that other shoe wouldn’t have so far to fall if the expectations aren’t set so unrealistically high. We’ve only known each other for ten months, hardly enough time to commit a lifetime together, especially since we’re dating long distance. I feel like a big old cloud of duh has smacked me upside the head. I need to see Ty. I need to tell him I can wait for our future. It’s the now I want to pursue. I owe that to him. And, Matt? That’s the hard part. I like Matt, too. I like him a lot, but I can’t let him think I’m available to even entertain the thought of dating anyone else unless I’ve exhausted every possibility of hope with Ty. I have to
see if I can live in the moment with Ty. I still love him. I look at the clock. It’s 7:30. I don’t even know if Ty would answer me, so I decide to text Carmen.

  Me: Hi, Carmen. Do u know what Ty’s plans r tonight?

  Carmen: Yes, I’m good. Thx for asking.

  Me: Sorry. Kind of an emergency. ((Hugs))

  Carmen: Some big party at The Woodson Center.

  Me: Oh, yeah. I remember. Jess. How could I forget?

  Carmen: R u in Woodson?

  Me: Not yet.

  Carmen: Better hurry.

  Me: On my way.

  I toss the phone on my bed and turn on my laptop. Checking the Woodson Center page, I find the information about the party: dinner, live bands, and champagne toast. Attire is “party fun.” I throw open my closet. Rummaging through the hangers, I come to what I want, buried in the back of my closet: my sophomore homecoming dress. I shudder as I think about the last night I wore that dress and my decision to lose my virginity to Kyle behind the bus barn. The fallout when I thought I might be pregnant caused my parents to fight even more. When my dad moved out, I blamed myself. Then he had his accident and died. One poor decision spiraled my life out of control. It was soon after that I decided it would be better for me to run. I’m home now, but I sometimes feel like I’m still running, from myself. I want to live my life and enjoy the here and now. No one knows better than me how fleeting the present can be.

  The short strapless navy blue dress fits like a glove in all the right places. In fact, it fits quite a lot better on top than it did when I was in high school. I have a little spillage but nothing indecent. It makes me look more mature. I brush out my hair and apply a layer of makeup I have not applied in days. The black heels from the fundraising dinner look great with the dress. Not bad for a ten minute preparation time. I pack a small overnight bag and scribble Mom a note.

  My heart rate begins to match my driving speed the closer I get to Woodson. I want to throw my arms around Ty and tell him I love him. I want to tell him that I’ll enjoy the now. I am tired of reliving my past and worrying about my future.