by Marcy Blesy
“Come here,” says Matt, grabbing my shoulders and pulling me toward him. “I’m not leaving yet. Let’s enjoy the time we have now.” He tilts up my chin and kisses me softly. “I love you,” he says.
“I love you, too. Do you really have to leave so early for work?” I ask.
“I think I’ve got some time,” he says. “What did you have in mind?”
“I’m sure you have some bumps and bruises we should attend to,” I say slyly. He kisses me again and bites my lip. It’s the answer I was hoping for.
Chapter 2:
Today we find a bridesmaid dress. Nothing like waiting for the last minute to buy a dress for a wedding that is a month away, but that’s kind of been the way all of Mom and Greg’s planning has gone. Neither one of them is fancy or spends their money frivolously. Dad was always the more extroverted partner in their relationship. I often wondered how Mom felt when Dad would begin one of his stupid joke- telling marathons at a dinner party, and she’d be left sitting at the table alone, only to smile and nod like she thought he was as funny as he thought he was. Of course, I thought my dad was hysterical, but I also was a little kid who believed her dad walked on water. I see now that even if Dad had lived and he and Mom had worked out their problems, that they might not be the best match for optimum happiness. Greg, though more mousy than masculine, is better suited to her personality. So maybe going antiquing or to used bookstores isn’t my idea of fun? If they enjoy those things and can do so together, then that’s great. I’m honored to be a part of their big day.
“Stuck on navy blue?” I ask Mom as we pick through the bridesmaid dresses at Budget Brides.
“Yes. Navy blue was my mother’s favorite color. It’s mine, too. Plus, you’ll look stunning in that color with your long dark hair.” She tucks a strand of hair behind my ear likes she’s done since I was a little girl.
“Just checking because I’d look something fierce in this color, too,” I say, holding out a short neon green dress with silver sparkles along the bust.
“The only thing I like about that dress is the length,” she says laughing. “No bling, on you or me!” After trying on a few dresses, we settle on a short strapless navy blue dress, not too short so as to offend Greg’s family during the church wedding and not too long as to make me look like a prude.
“Do you and Matt want to join us for dinner?” she asks after ringing up the dress at the counter.
“Another time,” I say. “We’re going to Iowa in the morning, and I need to pack.”
“Visiting Kelcy again?” she asks.
“That’s the plan,” I say.
“How do you feel about that?”
“I don’t like it,” I say, taking the dress and slinging it over my arm. “but what am I supposed to do? Tell Matt he has to choose between his brain- damaged high school girlfriend or me? Doesn’t that make me a jerk?”
“That’s for you to figure out, Macy, but it’s not unreasonable for you to ask Matt to end things with Kelcy.”
“It’s not that easy, Mom. He doesn’t love her like he loves me, so I don’t really think of him having another girlfriend, but he’s carrying a heck of a lot of guilt around for his part in the accident. He can’t let that go. Plus, his dad’s only now starting to treat him like a decent human being since we’ve been making more frequent visits to see Kelcy. He’s even letting his little sister come back with us for a few days.”
“Just remember that this can’t go on forever. It’s not fair to Kelcy…or you.” I know she’s right, but what am I supposed to do? I love Matt with all my heart. Letting go of Kelcy for good will only bring him pain. What right do I have to demand that kind of pain?
Chapter 3:
I wake up to find Matt’s hand around my waist, the same position we’d fallen asleep in. It’s funny knowing that although we practically live together taking turns staying at each other’s apartments that we have to stay in separate rooms at his parent’s house. I suppose I understand, though. No sense tainting the two teenagers that still live there. And no sense pissing his dad off. At least now he doesn’t leave the house when we visit like he did the first time I went to Iowa. Little did I know the secret that Matt had been keeping. I move closer to Matt, fitting perfectly under his protective arms. He moans.
“Good morning,” he whispers.
“Hey,” I say. He rolls me toward him.
“What’s up?” he asks, rubbing his eyes.
“Nothing.”
“Mae?” he pushes me in the side to incite a tickle attack. It’s way too early for that.
“Stop. I…nothing.”
“Spill.”
“Don’t be mad, okay?” I ask. He shakes his head.
“I promise.”
“How long are we going to do this?” I ask.
“Wake up spooning each other after a passionate night together?” He laughs.
“Cut it out. That’s not what I mean. Although you don’t need to give an answer to that question anyway because forever is fine by me.” Matt kisses me on the cheek and strokes my hair. I take a deep breath. “How long are we going to keep seeing Kelcy?”
“Mae, I told you I’m not ready. You know that.”
“What will make you ready?” I whisper. I feel guilty asking him to stop seeing her, but what Mom said has been eating at me all night. Just remember that this can’t go on forever. It’s not fair to Kelcy…or you.
“I don’t know.” He pulls off the covers and gets out of bed, pulling on a pair of sweats over his boxers.
“You said you wouldn’t be mad.”
“I’m not mad, Mae. I’m just frustrated. I thought you were cool with everything. I’m trying to please my dad by taking ownership in my role in this whole damn thing, and I’m trying to please Kelcy’s family, and—”
“And you don’t care about pleasing me anymore?” I ask. It’s barely a whisper but something I needed to say. I can’t closet my real feelings. It doesn’t help anyone. I don’t run from my problems anymore. I gave that up a long time ago when I realized how far that got me in life.
“That’s a low blow, and you know it. Look, I think you should just leave.”
“What do you mean?”
“I haven’t been home—by myself—in a long time. Maybe it’s best if you sit this trip out. I’m sure your mom could use your help with some wedding stuff.”
“Sure, Matt, whatever. If that’s what you want, I wouldn’t want to be a burden or anything. We both know what it feels like to be a burden to someone.” I grab my clothes and throw them in my duffel bag I’d so neatly organized for our trip to Iowa. Stupid Iowa. Stupid Matt. I leave without a goodbye kiss. He doesn’t try to stop me.
It’s rare that I have a free Saturday, and the realization that I have nothing to do saddens me more than anything. Mom and Greg are going wine tasting in Southwest Michigan for the day. It’s an early wedding gift from some of their widow support group friends. There’s a big group going in a rented limo. Mom and Greg aren’t big drinkers, but it’s such a mild, sunny summer day that I know they’ll enjoy themselves. Plus, they’re kind of celebrities in their group for having found love after loss. Greg’s wife died of cancer, and Dad had his accident. They’re the only ones in the group’s history to find new love within the group, but not for lack of trying, I’m sure. So, with Mom out of commission for the day and Matt visiting Kelcy, I don’t really know what to do with myself. Sarah and I used to hang out, having sleepovers at each other’s houses on alternating weekends. I miss her so much. It doesn’t seem possible that she’s been gone over three months now. I think about visiting her parents but just don’t have the courage. Grieving is never something you get used to. It becomes part of your life, and sometimes numbing the pain by avoidance is the best option.
I decide to text Carmen. I haven’t seen her since she came to my house the night Ty broke in like a crazed lunatic. She’d knelt by his ear, whispering and soothing him out of his alcohol-crazed fury. It was only the
n that I realized how she must love him; only who knows if Ty’s feelings were ever given in return?
Me: Hi, Stranger.
Carmen: Hey.
Me: Interested in company?
Carmen: Today?
Me: Yeah.
Carmen: Going to visit a friend.
Me: No problem. Thought I’d check. Have fun.
I throw my phone back on the bed. Now what? I suppose a little retail therapy couldn’t hurt. I’ll just call it “back to school” shopping and treat myself for my last year at Andersonville Community College. My phone dings again.
Carmen: Maybe you’d like to come with me.
Me: Not sure I want to spend the day getting to know new people. No offense.
Carmen: It’s not someone new. I’m going to see Ty.
I throw my phone back on the bed like I’ve just been stung by a bee. I closed that chapter in my life when he barged into my house in a rage after we broke up in the spring. His mom told me that night that they were taking him to an in-house treatment facility for alcohol dependency. I haven’t heard a word more about Ty except for a brief message from his biological mom Patsy in a postcard she sent me in early summer complaining about the fact that no one in Ty’s inner circle would let her anywhere near him. I can’t say that I blame them. Patsy’s own relapse with drugs is no secret. She wouldn’t exactly win a Mother of the Year award. I’m not so sure Ty’s family would want me near Ty either even if I wanted to be.
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Carmen: Okay. But if you just want to sit in the car for an hour while I visit, then we can do something.
Me: Okay. Why not? I’ll c u in a couple hours.
I stare at my closet for far too long. What does it matter what I wear today? There’s no one I need to impress, but something inside won’t allow me to just grab any old thing to wear. I decide on a new pair of black shorts and black and white striped tank top. After taking out my ponytail and flat ironing my hair straighter, I add a light layer of mascara, a dash of lip gloss, and a spritz of perfume, because I feel like it. When I reach into the back of my closet to dig out my black wedge sandals, I find a box of old pictures I’d shoved in the closet when I moved my things from Mom’s. Sitting on the floor of my bedroom, I thumb through the handful of pictures I pulled out. I feel like the air is being sucked out of the room, depleting any desire I had of leaving soon. There are pictures of Dad and Laura and Mom and me: Christmas and birthday pictures, of course, but the ones I liked the best captured the ordinary moments: Laura planting her first bean seeds in Dad’s garden before the rabbits came and ate them all or the four of us sitting on the couch making funny faces for the timer picture shot that cut off the top of Dad’s head in the days before selfies. There are pics of Sarah and me at camp, swimming or playing Capture the Flag with a different boy by Sarah’s side in each picture. Even as a little kid, she attracted the boys. I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here, but my phone dinging sends me back to reality.
Carmen: Pack a bag if you want to stay the night.
Me: Okay. Leaving soon.
I pick up the remaining pictures and throw them in the box. One picture slips out of my hands and onto the floor. After turning it over, I am transported back to that night nearly a year and a half ago when Ty took me to prom. I’d fought his invitation, but he’d been so charming and sweet then, from the romantic dinner on his parent’s dock to the way he held me so tenderly as we danced. I see the same white dress I wore that night hanging in the back of my closet when I return the pictures to their home. Touching the material to my nose I swear I can smell Ty’s cologne. I feel sad, not because I’m not with Ty anymore, but because the possibilities of so many good things, whether with me or someone else, were stolen because of his choices with alcohol and the fact that he couldn’t get ahold of the demons from his past that kept popping up in his life. Maybe visiting Ty with Carmen wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all. Maybe there’d be some closure—for both of us.
“About time you got here,” says Carmen as I get out of my car after the hour drive.
“Nice to see you, too,” I say.
“I just don’t want to be late. They only allow visitors until 6:30, and it’s already 5:00. Let’s go.” She points to her car. I don’t even have time to take my duffel bag into her apartment.
There’s a lot of awkward silence in the car. I haven’t seen Carmen for months, and we’ve only texted a few times. Maybe this whole visit was a mistake. And what’s so wrong with me that I can’t even entertain myself for one weekend alone?
“I’m sorry I made you late,” I say. “I can tell this visit means a lot to you.”
“No, I’m the one that should be sorry,” says Carmen. She sighs. “This visit is important to me, but it’s even more important to Ty. He gets really anxious if I don’t show up every Saturday, and he’s still kind of…fragile. Don’t get me wrong. He’s totally off the alcohol, but he’s still learning how to cope with—”
“His demons,” I say.
“Yeah, something like that. The psychologist told me I was the only person he shows any excitement over seeing.” I think she’s blushing, but I can’t be sure since she’s wearing big sunglasses that match her now jet black hair. “Anyway, one Saturday a few weeks ago I missed our visit because my cousin came to town and we had tickets for a Green Day concert. I texted him that I wasn’t coming. He wouldn’t talk to me for the whole next week. The psychologist told me he wouldn’t come out of his room for three days. They threatened to put in a feeding tube if he didn’t come to the cafeteria to eat. Of course, I was pissed when I heard all this, and I told him, too, when I visited the next Saturday. I told him he was being a baby and that he doesn’t own the rights to my Saturday nights. He apologized and all, but I…I don’t want to do that to him again, you know?”
“I totally understand,” I say.
“You can wait in the car or go grab some tacos across the street at Taco Bell. I won’t be too long,” says Carmen.
“Actually, I changed my mind. I’d like to say hello.” The silence returns. “Unless you think that would be a bad idea. I just…well, it would be nice to replace an unpleasant memory of Ty with a happier one. We both could use a better ending.” Carmen turns into the parking lot of the Elderwood Rehabilitation Center. She opens her car door before giving me an answer.
“Just be low key. Don’t make a scene.” I’m about to shoot back with a comment like, What do you mean, “Don’t make a scene?” I never made a scene. But I decide it’s best to keep my mouth shut.
I follow Carmen into the building. She gets plenty of stares by the staff as we sign in. Maybe it’s the tattoos. Maybe the nose ring. Maybe the cropped black hair. But maybe they’re staring because I’m with her. Maybe they know who I am, and they blame me for Ty’s problems.
The sterile surroundings remind me of Kelcy’s rehab facility, only this is a whole different type of rehab. The people I see hanging out in the hallways or sitting around tables playing cards seem pretty normal. Most are young, like Ty, though there are several people that could be the age of my mom. I wonder if any of them had drug addiction in their family genes, too, like Ty, or if some life responsibility was too great to bear.
“Stay out here a minute,” says Carmen when we stand in front of a room that must be Ty’s. “Look, if he freaks out that you’re here, I’m not going to let you come in, okay? He’s been through too much to relapse from seeing you.” I shake my head in agreement and start to regret ever having made this decision. Closure? What closure do I need? I’m not the one who acted like a fool the last time we saw each other. I didn’t do anything wrong. Still, it would be nice to see Ty sober and remember the guy who made me believe in myself again after a really rough patch in life. I wait while Carmen enters the room. A part of me wonders if they are embracing like long lost lovers, separated by the trials and tribulations of life, and I’m not so sure I like that. “Okay, you can come in now,�
� she says. I take a deep breath and follow Carmen into the room. Ty is sitting on a couch with the television blaring in the corner. There is a twin size bed across from him. I don’t know why I expected the room to look more like a hospital room than a dorm room, but it’s a relief. His hair is cut short, his long blonde wispy bangs replaced with almost a military grade look, but the shorter style only makes his blue eyes shine more. I can’t help but smile.
“Hi, Mae,” he says.
“Hi, Ty. You look…good.”
“Thanks.”
“I’ll leave you two alone for a few minutes,” says Carmen. I’d forgotten she was in the room.
“No, that’s okay,” I say. “You don’t have to leave.”
“I want to,” she says. Ty doesn’t speak again until she leaves the room.
“She’s been real good to me,” he says. I nod my head. “I mean it. Without her, I’d…I’d have run away.”
“Hmm,” I say.
“What?”
“It’s kind of ironic that after working so hard to convince me that running away from my problems after I left home was a lousy excuse for living, that’s the first option you’d consider if someone else let you down.” He stares at me. For a tiny moment, I’m not so sure he won’t go ballistic, but he doesn’t.
“Yeah, that is pretty ironic. And stupid, I guess.”
“How much longer are you going to be here?” I ask.
“As long as it takes. Maybe another month, maybe three months. It’s not too bad really. Food’s good, and I have cable and video games. Oh, and someone comes to make sure I’ve made my bed every day, so my housekeeping skills are improving.” He laughs. This is the Ty I remember. This is the Ty I fell in love with once. “Are you still dating Matt?” The mention of his name snaps me back to reality, and I’m almost ashamed of myself for remembering how much I once loved Ty.
“Yeah, I am.”
