by Marcy Blesy
“He seems like a good guy.”
“He is.”
“Kind of looks like the Hulk, though.”
“Ha! Looks are deceiving.”
“Yeah.”
“What are thinking, Ty?” I hate the serious look on his face.
“Just that I guess I looked like I had it all together on the outside once, when really I was crumbling inside.” I sit on the other end of the couch. He looks up at me, and I can’t turn away from those eyes. “I’m sorry, Mae. I’m sorry for Jess and for leaving and for being a jerk at U of M, and I’m sorry about Sarah, and I’m sorry for the drinking, and for breaking into your house and—” I put my hand on his arm. He flinches for a second but relaxes when I don’t let go.
“It’s okay, Ty,” I say gently. “I mean, it’s not okay, none of it was okay. But…I forgive you. I really do.” He has tears in his eyes. I lift my free hand to wipe them away but stop when I hear the door opening again. I stand up to leave. “I’ll wait for you in the car, Carmen. You guys take as much time as you need. It was nice to see you, Ty. Good luck.”
“Thanks, Mae, for everything.” I smile and walk out of the room, never turning back to see him again. Ty is a chapter that I closed a long time ago. It’s not healthy to reopen the book, but why is there a part of me that wants to rewrite the ending?
Chapter 4:
After dinner Carmen and I decide to rent old 80’s movies and veg at her apartment. Her roommates are gone for the weekend, which is a blessing, she says. They’re a little out there, she’d said. I can’t imagine how strange they must be for Carmen to find them eccentric. That would be a sight to see, and I’m kind of sorry I missed the introduction.
I grab a pillow and blanket from the couch and set myself up on the floor for our first screening of the night: Sixteen Candles, the awkwardness of that first love I know so well.
“You still love him, don’t you?” Carmen’s voice sounds so distant though she’s only a couch away. I turn around.
“What are you talking about?”
“Just admit it. Let’s address this elephant in the room.”
“There is no elephant in the room, Carmen. I have no idea what you are talking about.” My face feels warm, and I throw off the blanket. “You asked me to see Ty with you. It wasn’t the other way around.” I take a deep breath to calm myself when I realize I’m yelling.
“I took you with me to see—”
“To see what?”
“To see if he still loved you, too.” She turns away so I don’t see the sadness in her eyes, but it’s too late. “And he does.”
“You are being ridiculous. No, you’re being crazy. Ty and I ended a long time ago, Carmen. You’re the only one that’s stood by him through everything. He loves you.”
“I know he does, but it’s not the same. He loves me like family. He’s not in love with me, not like he is with you.” The idea of spending the weekend alone isn’t such a bad idea any more. In fact, it’s the best idea I’ve had in a long time.
“I’m leaving, Carmen. I wanted to hang out with my friend, but you’re stuck in the past. And for the record, I already have a boyfriend that I love, so even if you were right—which you’re not—it wouldn’t matter.” I throw the blanket and pillow back on the couch, grab my bag, and bid goodbye to a night of Molly Ringwald and John Cusack.
I wake up the next morning in my own apartment, alone in my own bed. It’s not so bad, but I am missing Matt terribly. The last thing I want to do is tell him about my fight with Carmen. He’s likely to take her side, though that’s ridiculous. I turn on my phone, which I’d shut off after checking every few minutes last night to see if Carmen had apologized. She didn’t. There are no texts from her this morning, either, but Matt has sent a bunch.
Matt: Why aren’t you answering your phone?
Matt: R u ok?
Matt: Where r u?
Geesh, it’s like the inquisition. I’m not sure if he’s missing me or being controlling. Truth be told, I wouldn’t mind it if he were missing me and a tad bit controlling. He’s not the jealous type at all. I suppose I’ve never given him reason to be jealous, either. I shake away the thoughts of Ty. No, I am not in love with him anymore, nor he with me. There is nothing for either Carmen or Matt to be jealous of. Can’t I ever have a drama-free life for more than a few days at a time?
Matt: Need to talk to u.
Matt: Don’t want to do this over text.
Matt: Where r u?
Matt: Kelcy’s going home.
I drop the phone. There are no more texts to read; and I think if there were, I might throw up. Kelcy’s leaving the nursing home she’s lived in since the motorcycle accident with Matt paralyzed her. What’s that mean? Is she not paralyzed anymore? Has she recovered from her brain injury? Does…? I can’t escape the question. Does Matt want to get back with her?
Suffocating my fears with sunshine is my prescription for the day. Mom and Greg have a community pool in their neighborhood. A little sunshine and a trashy gossip magazine is my idea at drowning out the real world. Nothing like reveling in the turmoil in a celebrity’s life to make you feel a little better, even if the feeling doesn’t last. I pull on my new red bikini which doesn’t leave much to the imagination and a white cover up. After twisting my hair up into a high bun and grabbing my gold sandals, I’m ready to drown my fears in Vitamin D.
At 10:00 on a Sunday morning, the real estate at the pool is plentiful. I choose a lounge chair that will provide the best angle for sunlight but is also close to an umbrella so I can take shade breaks. There is no sense prepping my skin for early wrinkles. I bury my nose in a magazine to catch up on the real housewives.
“Is this seat taken?” I nearly knock over my lemonade on the table next to me when I jump up. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.” It’s Leo.
“Well, you kind of scared the crap out of me, but I’ll forgive you. And, no, this seat is not taken,” I say pointing to the lounger next to me. “I didn’t know you lived in this neighborhood.”
“I don’t,” he says, putting his towel down. “Don’t laugh, okay?”
“I won’t.”
“I’m cat sitting.”
“That is an important job, Leo. I would never laugh.” I cover my mouth with my hand in a dramatic flair.
“Look, laugh all you want,” he says, “but I’m getting paid big bucks to watch my boss’s cats while she’s out of town. Plus, I get to use the pool and fitness center, too.”
“That does sound like a nice perk. Are you staying here, too?”
“Yeah, for the weekend anyway.”
“Sleeping in the boss’s bed?” I ask coyly. It’s fun watching Leo blush.
“She’s not here, Mae. Cut it out.”
“I’m just messing with you. Where are you working anyway?”
“I have an internship at a bank. It doesn’t pay a lot, but it’s going to be a good resume builder when I transfer to Illinois State this fall.”
“The whole gang’s splitting up, huh?” I say.
“What do you mean?”
“You’re all going away. Matt’s going to U of I and into the reserves. You’re going to State. Matt said Caleb’s going to the University of Colorado. And me? Well, I’m going…nowhere.”
“You’re still getting your degree, Mae. Then you can transfer with Matt if you want to.”
“I’m not so sure that’s going to happen, Leo.” I sigh. Leo shakes his head like he understands, but I don’t know if that’s his reaction because he’s uncomfortable or if he knows something about Matt that I don’t. “I’m dying out here. Want to swim?” I ask.
“Sure. Sounds good.” Leo takes off his shirt. He’s like the opposite of Matt’s bulky chiseled body. Leo is tall and lean, more like Ty, but a little softer. I imagine if he made use of that fitness center he’d attract the attention of his boss as more than just a convenient cat sitter.
It’s nice swimming at the pool with Leo. There are no expectati
ons and no stresses. When we’ve exhausted ourselves swimming friendly competitive races (which I won every time), we dry off in the sun. We don’t talk much, partly because Leo is just quiet by nature, but partly because there isn’t a whole lot to say. And sometimes not having anything to say is the best way to communicate.
After showering at my apartment after a relaxing day at the pool, I decide that I have to talk to Matt tonight. I have to know what he’s decided about Kelcy. There are only a couple more weeks until he leaves for college. It’s better to know now where we stand than to find out in three months via some cowardly text that he can’t choose me when Kelcy’s back to her normal self. I decide to dress for the occasion. Might as well go out looking like I’m playing to win. I choose a pink sundress that is cut too low to wear in public but will be quite suitable for trying to win the affections of my boyfriend. Then I put on a strand of my mom’s pearls that she gave me on my 20th birthday. Dad gave them to her on their first anniversary. I feel like the love behind this necklace might help me out tonight. After clearing my mind at the pool, nothing became more apparent to me than the reality that I don’t want my relationship with Matt to end when he goes to U of I. And I don’t want to share him with Kelcy, no matter what her state of mind. I deserve his 100%, and I’m planning on telling him tonight. After spritzing J Love by Jennifer Lopez behind my ear, I send Matt a final text telling him I’m on my way.
Chapter 5:
Matt opens the door before I have a chance to knock. “Mae, you look amazing.” He pulls me close for a hug and then gently pushes me away for another assessment, nodding his head in approval. He kisses my neck, making me tingle with anticipation and kicks the apartment door closed behind us. He leads me to the couch where he sits, pulling me onto his lap. His kisses make my heart flutter, and his smell is intoxicating. I close my eyes and feel his hands as they caress my body. I can’t believe how much I’ve missed him after only two days. His hand finds my zipper and I shudder involuntarily. He gently bites my bottom lip, and I feel like I could melt into the couch.
“Didn’t you bring Lanie back with you?” I ask breathlessly.
“I dropped her at the mall. Now stop talking.” He picks me up and carries me into the bedroom. My mind is foggy, and I try to remember my intent for the evening, the answers I’ve come to get; but I can’t pull the thoughts to the front of my consciousness. Instead I close out the world, and for the moment, embrace everything about the man I love.
Matt strokes my hair as we lay in a heap of blankets on his bed. The last hour is a blur of ecstasy and calm.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks. I close my eyes again and shake my head.
“Nothing.” Nothing because I don’t want this moment to end. I don’t want the conversation to come.
“You sure?” He tucks my hair behind my ear and kisses me on the forehead.
“Uh, big plans with Lanie while she’s here?” I ask, trying to avoid my real thoughts.
“I thought we’d all have dinner tonight at that new Thai restaurant and maybe see a movie or play miniature golf. Do you have any ideas?”
“No. That all sounds great.” I run my fingers over the few strands of hair on Matt’s chest, tracing a figure eight.
“Anything else on your mind? You seem kind of quiet.”
“I love you,” I whisper.
“I love you, too, Mae, and I missed you like crazy this weekend.”
“Really?” I ask, pulling the sheet back over my body.
“Of course I did. It was wrong of me to ask you to stay home. I was an ass, and I hope you can forgive me. Everyone asked about you. It won’t happen again. I promise, okay?’
“Matt?”
“Yeah?” He tries to pull the sheet away from me, but I hold firm.
“Tell me about Kelcy.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Tell me about—”
“About her leaving rehab at the nursing home?”
“Sure. Start there.”
“The doctors and her family decided that she couldn’t really get anything more from living in the nursing home than she could get at her home. She’s made a lot of progress, and they think she’ll only get better if she is at home in a more familiar, loving environment.”
“Did you go home with her?” Matt throws the sheet off him and pulls on his boxer shorts and t-shirt. He doesn’t look at me.
“Yeah, I did, Mae. You know I had to go.”
“No, you didn’t,” I whisper.
“Don’t start. She’s—” He looks for the right word, but I know what he is trying not to say.
“She’s your girlfriend,” I finish.
“In her eyes, I am, Mae. But not in mine, not any more.”
“Then tell her, Matt. I am not going to allow this!”
“Allow this?’ he asks. “You can’t tell me what to do.”
“No, I suppose you’re right, but I also don’t have to share the man I love with another woman. I deserve to be your only girlfriend.”
“Mae, stop it. You are my only girlfriend in every sense of the real meaning of that word, and you know it. You are the only one I love like this.”
“Then quit this farce,” I say.
“It’s not that easy. My dad and I finally have a normal relationship. Kelcy’s sister Liz stopped giving me the cold shoulder. Kelcy is getting better. It’s all good now, Mae. And it’s not all the time. I only see her a few days a month. That’s not asking too much, is it?”
“Yes, it’s asking too much. Choose me or choose Kelcy.” I can’t believe I have the guts to say aloud what I’ve known in my heart for some time now. Matt pulls on his shorts and sits at the end of the bed.
“Mae, if I choose the way you want me to, then I’ll lose the respect of my father and a lot of other people in my hometown who blame me for the accident with Kelcy, which they have every right to. It’s my obligation to make her happy. God knows I altered the course of her life.” I sit up in bed and hold the sheet close to my body with one hand while wiping my tears with the other.
“No one expects you to do this forever, Matt. What happened to Kelcy was awful, but you were a kid, and you didn’t do this on purpose. We’ve gone over and over this. It’s not healthy. It’s not normal, and I am not going to accept it. You deserve better. And so do I.”
“Maybe you do.” He looks ridiculous with his large hands wiping away the tiny tears that fall from his eyes now.
“So what are you saying?”
“I can’t choose, Mae.” I throw down the sheet and slip my dress back on.
“Then I’ll make the choice.” I walk out of his bedroom, grab my shoes by the front door, and run out to my car before I have a chance to change my mind.
Chapter 6:
“You have a new table, Mae. Come on. That’s the second time I’ve had to send you out to the floor tonight. You know better than that,” says Garry. He is the most tolerant boss I could imagine. What he puts up with from his employees is pretty cool. It’s not that I mean to let him down tonight. It’s just that I don’t really give a damn about who gets their food and whether or not it’s on time or still hot. Ever since my fight with Matt earlier today, I’ve not given much of a damn about anything at all. The fact that he’s coming in soon to cover the shift of the line cook who went home sick is all I can think of.
“What can I get you tonight?” I ask, not looking up at any of the people sitting at the booth in the far corner of the restaurant.
“Well, that’s a fine greeting,” says a familiar voice. Seeing Leo’s shy smile is exactly what I need right now.
“Hey,” I say.
“I’m not really the feelings kind of guy, so I’m not going to ask, but if it’s any consolation, Matt is in a sucky mood, too.”
“Did he send you here to tell me that?” I ask.
“No. I can’t cook, and I’m sick of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I need a hot meal in this big belly of mine.” He pats his waifli
ke waist which makes me laugh.
“That’s better,” he says. “So, while you’re here, please write down on that pad of yours that I’d like an open roast beef sandwich on white bread with mashed potatoes and extra gravy.”
“Do you want green beans or corn?”
“Which do you prefer?”
“Really, Leo? Do you think it matters?”
“Well, it might matter. I don’t usually order vegetables here. I thought you might have some insight, but whatever. I’ll take the green beans.”
“I’ll be back with your food.” I turn to take the order to the kitchen, hoping that Matt hasn’t arrived yet.
“You know, you ought to work this out. Matt’s a good guy.” I turn back to the table. I should let it go, but I can’t.
“And what am I, Leo? Everyone always tells me how great he is. I’m the lucky one to have Matt. Is that it? What about me? Shouldn’t someone be lucky to have me?”
“That’s not what I’m saying, Mae.” Leo’s hand grabbing mine startles me, but he doesn’t let go. “You are amazing with or without Matt.” He blushes. “I just think you’re even better together. That’s all.” I pull my hand away.
“Thanks, Leo.” I have to go, or Garry’s going to fire me.
Matt isn’t in the kitchen when I pick up Leo’s order. Maybe he called off after all. Garry seems overly stressed, but I’m not asking any questions. I know I’m part of his stress, too.
“Enjoy, Leo,” I say, putting down his piping hot plate. I don’t realize how hungry I am until I watch the steam from his roast beef swirl above his plate.
“Uh, you could join me if you want to. I’ll share.” Leo has a quirky grin on his face, and I know that he knows exactly what I was thinking.
“No, I can’t, but thanks for the offer. Sorry.”
“I think you almost salivated in my mashed potatoes.”
“You know, I’m due for a fifteen-minute break. I’ll be right back.”
I sit across from Leo after an extended period of begging and pleading to take my break right in the busiest part of the dinner hour.
