The Stainless Steel Rat Wants You

by Harry Harrison

  It was wonderful. I felt that I could have slept forever. Except something was disturbing me. I swam back up to consciousness and saw that it was daylight. Was that what had woken me?

  No, it was a key turning in the lock, the door creaking open.

  I had only myself to blame. I had forgotten the plodding searchers in the school. These people could not be tricked by any kind of ruse. As soon as they knew I was still alive they simply started a search of every building in the city. The game was up.

  SEVENTEEN

  I was refreshed by the long sleep, my bloodstream was filled with rich fish protein--and I was very angry at myself for not making a better attempt at biding out. But, like the rest of us, I would rather be angry at someone else rather than admit the fault was mine, so I instantly transferred my temper to the hapless man who came through the door, waiting until he came close, then springing upon him like a jungle animal. Then tripping over the skis which I had forgotten about and falling in a tumble at his feet. Not that this made much difference to the outcome since these people had no idea at all about infighting. It was the old twist and crunch once again. After which I shouldered the skis, stepped over the unconscious body, and peeked out of the door. More of them were searching the building, on all sides of me, as I plodded toward the exit. One of them glanced up and I actually did three paces more before he reacted.

  "He is there, trying to escape," he said in a dull monotone.

  "Doing it too!" I shouted and rushed through the door, right over the man coming in. Then it was just a matter of stepping into the skis and zipping away.

  Of course this did no good at all, other than put off the inevitable for a few more minutes. The fence had been repaired, the entrances were guarded--and my tool kit was back in the armory. As I rushed around, wondering what to do next, I heard the car engines starting up. Grab one of them? Rush the gate. Then what? One man against an entire world wasn't going to do me much good on this planet. Maybe I could find another hiding place in the city.

  Why? I couldn't escape these people. Why put off the inevitable? I stopped to think about this, then remembered what they could do with the axion feed and I started up again. Maybe Hanasu was right and suicide was the only answer. But I rejected this out of hand; I'm just not the suicide type, as I keep telling myself.

  All of this kept me occupied. Rushing about the spaceport with the pursuit hotting up behind me, having a good suffer over my approaching fate, racking my depressed mind for a way out. With my attention wandering like this I wasn't aware of the sound of the rocket until it was right overhead. Like everyone else on the field I stopped and looked up and gaped.

  Out of the low cloud it dropped, riding its flame to the ground, a small scout ship.

  With the joined rings of the League upon its flank.

  "It worked!" I shrieked and went straight up in the air. I landed on the move and made wow-wow sounds with my hand over my mouth as I streaked for the landing pad. The spacer was still bounding on its landing shocks when I came rocketing up. Needless to say no one followed me since the locals were not as enthusiastic about this arrival as I was. When the hatch ground open I stood below it.

  "Welcome to Kekkonshiki," I said to the man who emerged, squinting in the reflected glare. "Claim this planet for the League, oh conqueror."

  "I don't know anything about that," he said. A young man with an awful lot of hair and beard, wearing a soiled and patched shipsuit. "I got a message to pick up one James Bolivar diGriz."

  "You are looking at him."

  "So are the locals. Only they are coming this way with a lot of guns. Get aboard."

  "Not until I make it plain to these types just what has happened."

  I was happy to see a familiar face in front of the pack. Kome, the commander and captain of the ship who bad brought me here. "Drop the gun," I told him. He raised it instead.

  "You will come with me. Both of you."

  I saw red. These people were so dense it sickened me. What they had done, the untold number dead because of their infernal plans, sickened me even more.

  "Don't shoot, I beg of you!" I cried, hands in the air,. stumbling toward him. Kicking up hard on his wrist so the gun went flying. I caught it, grabbed his arm, twisted him around and ground the gun into the side of his neck as hard as I could.

  "Listen to me, you ice-cold idiots!" I shouted. "It's all over, finished, through. You have lost. You will cause no more trouble in the galaxy. Your only strength was secrecy, so you could work away like roaches inside the wall. But that's over now. Don't you see the insignia on this ship? It's a League ship. They know about you now. Know who you are and where you are. Justice has arrived in the shape of this handsome pilot who brings you his message of wrath and who announces that he has just conquered your planet."

  "Have I?" the pilot gasped.

  "Shut up, you dumbhead, and do your job."

  "My job was to get you."

  "You've been Promoted. Take their guns."

  There was a little edge of desperation in my voice because they were raising their guns. Knowing their attitudes I knew they would calmly shoot Kome in order to get me. I gave his arm an extra twist and pressed the muzzle of the gun deeper into his flesh.

  "Come on, Kome, tell them to put their weapons away and surrender. If one shot is fired I'll see that you are all tortured to death with hot pokers."

  Kome thought and thought in his plodding Kekkonshiki way. Then made his mind up.

  "The presence of this ship might be an accident."

  "No accident," the pilot said. "I'll show you the message I received. It went out with a general alarm ordering all ships in the area to this planet. We've been looking for you people for some time. IT get the message."

  "There is no need for the message. Kill them both," Kome ordered loudly. "If they lie it will be the end of them. If they do not lie it will make no difference for we are as dead."

  "Move aside, Kome," the nearest man said, sighting his gun. "Or I must shoot you."

  "Shoot me" was the toneless answer.

  "Stop it!" I ordered, shooting the man in the arm so his gun went flying. "It's no use."

  They thought otherwise. The guns were swinging about when the pilot delivered the message he had been talking about. Not the one they had been expecting. He wasn't too stupid; scout pilots rarely are.

  The nose turret whipped about swiftly and explosive shells rained down on all sides. I wasted no time, rapping Kome on the skull with the gun so he would come along quietly, then adding a few shots of my own at the others to keep their heads down. Into the airlock and finger on closing button. Kome wasn't quite unconscious but a kick in the side of the head fixed that. Normally I am not vicious, but this time I enjoyed the sadistic pleasure.

  "Get flat, this will be a 5G takeoff," the pilot said.

  It was too, and I clunked the last centimeters to the deck and got a good slam on the back of my head. By the time I stopped seeing unusual colors the pressure eased and I floated up.

  "Thanks," I said with all sincerity.

  "A pleasure. Those were some nasty-looking friends you had down there."

  "Those were the loonies who started this whole war. And, dare I ask, how is it going?"

  "We're still losing it," he said with black gloom. "There is just nothing we can do."

  "Don't say that, it's bad luck! And bead for the nearest station with a psiman because I have some urgent business to transact. You wouldn't happen to know if a load of prisoners escaped from the aliens?"

  "The admirals, you mean? They're back, and a sorry lot they are too. I mean, normally you don't care what happens to senior officers, like they're different life forms or something. But this was a not-too-nice thing."

  "They'll be cured. Excuse me smiling but my wife and sons were responsible for that escape so it means they are safe."

  "You got some family."

  "You can say that again!"

  "You got some family."

  "
Don't take me too literally, though I enjoy bearing it. Now will you please pour the juice to this thing and get us to the psiman. There is much to be done."

  By the time we rocketed into the satellite station I had my messages all written. Something big with a lot of guns and a full complement of troopers would be spared from the war to bring civilization to the Kekkonshiki natives. There were exact instructions on how they were to find Hanasu and put him in charge of the pacification. Justice, revenge and everything else could come later. Right now it was important just to neutralize the gray men to guard our flank. The war still bad to be won. I read all the reports in the ship and by the time I had reached the Special Corps Main Base I had a number of plans made. All of them were driven from my mind by the sight of the svelte figure of the woman I loved.

  "Air . . ." I gasped after a number of minutes of close and passionate embrace. "It's nice to be home."

  "There's more in store, but I assume you want to look after the war a bit first."

  "If you don't mind, precious mine. Did you have any trouble admiral-saving?"

  "None. You had everything in a lovely turmoil. The boys learn fast and are very good at this sort of job. They are also off now in the navy, doing important things. I worried about you."

  "You had very good reason to--but it's all over now. You didn't, by chance, happen to pick up any souvenirs when you were passing through that alien treasury.

  "I left that to the twins, who take after their father. I'm sure they pinched a good bit for themselves, but what they passed on will make us independently wealthy for life. If we live."

  "The war, of course." My elation turned to depression at the thought. "What is happening?"

  "Nothing good. As you observed the aliens on their own are a little on the stupid side. Once the gray men were out of the picture leadership must have been divided. But there still must have been a few commanders left who were bright enough to come in out of the rain because they launched an all-out attack. Left their base completely. Just took everything they had and came after us. So we ran, and are still running. Just picking away at their fringes to let them think we will stand and fight. But we can't afford to. They outnumber us and outgun us at least a thousand to one."

  "How long can this last?"

  "Not much longer, I'm afraid. We're almost past all of our inhabited planets and will be coming out soon in intergalactic space. After that we can retreat no more. Or if we do the uglies will see what we are doing and even they are smart enough to figure this one out. All they have to do then is leave a small force to keep us at bay, then they can turn and start attacking our planetary bases."

  "You don't make it sound too good."

  "It isn't."

  "Do not worry, my sweet." I clutched her and kissed her a bit more. "But your own little Slippery Jim will save the galaxy."

  "Again. That's nice."

  "I was ordered to come here," a familiar voice said. "Just to see you kissing and hugging? Don't you know there is a war on? I'm a busy man."

  "Not as busy as you are going to be soon, Professor Coypu."

  "What do you mean?" He shouted angrily and clashed his protruding molars in my direction.

  "I mean you are about to make the weapon that will save us all and your name will ring down through the history books forever. Coypu, Galaxy Savior."

  "You're mad."

  "Don't you think you're the first one to ever say that. All geniuses are called mad. Or worse. I read a report highly secret that you now believe in parallel universes . . ."

  "Silence, you fool! No one was to know. Specially you!"

  "An accident, really. A safe just happened to fall open when I was passing and the report dropped out. Is it true?"

  "True, true," he muttered tapping his fingernails on his teeth unhappily. "I had the clue from your escapade with the time helix when you were trapped in a loop of time in a bit of past history that did not exist."

  "It existed for me."

  "Of course. Just what I said. Therefore, if one possible different past could exist, then an infinity of different pasts--and presents--must exist. That's logical."

  "It certainly is," I cheered. "So you experimented."

  "I did. I have gained access to parallel universes, made observations and notes. But how does this save the galaxy?"

  "One more question first, if you please. Is it possible to pass through into these other universes?"

  "Of course. How else could I have made my observations? I sent a small machine through to make readings, take photographs."

  "How big a machine can you send through?"

  "It depends on the power of the field."

  "Fine. Then that is the answer."

  "It may be an answer to you, Slippery Jim," Angelina said with some puzzlement, "but it doesn't make much sense to me."

  "Ahh, but just think, lover mine, what can be done with a machine like that. You mount it on a battleship with plenty of power. The battleship joins our space fleet and the fighting begins with the enemy. Our forces flee, the battleship limps behind, the enemy rushes up, the field is turned on--"

  "And every one of those awful creepy-crawlies and all of their guns and things zip right through into another universe and the menace is over forever!"

  "I was thinking of something roughly like that," I said modestly, polishing my fingernails on my chest. "Can we do it, Coypu?"

  "It is possible, possible. . ."

  "Then let us get to your lab and look at the gadget and see if the possible can be turned into the tangible."

  Coypu's newest invention did not look like very much at all. Just a lot of boxes, wires and assorted gadgetry spread all over the room. But he was proud of it.

  "Still in rough shape, as you can see," he said. "Breadboarded components. I call it my parallelilizer. . ."

  "I would hate to say that three times fast."

  "Don't joke, diGriz! This invention will change the fate of the known universe and at least one unknown one."

  "Don't be so touchy," I said soothingly. "Your genius will not go unmarked, Prof. Now, would you be so kind as to demonstrate how your parallelilizer works."

  Coypu sniffed and muttered to himself while he made adjustments on the machine, threw switches and tapped dials. The usual thing. While he was busy I was busy too giving Angelina a quick hug and she hugged right back. The professor, wrapped up in his work, never noticed that we were wrapped up in ours. He lectured away while we snogged.

  "Precision, that is the important thing. The various parallel universes are separated only by the probability factor which is very thin, as you can well imagine. To pick just one probability out of all the countless possible ones is the trickiest part of the operation. Of course the probabilities that vary the least from ours are the closest, while completely changed probability universes are the most distant and require the most power. So for this demonstration I will take the nearest one and open the portal to it, so!"

  A last switch was thrown and the lights dimmed as the machine sucked in all the available power. On all sides machines hummed and sparkled and the sharp smell of ozone filled the air. I let go of Angelina and looked around carefully.

  "You know, Professor," I said. "As far as I can see absolutely nothing has happened."

  "You are a cretin! Look, there, through the field generator."

  I looked at the big metal frame that was wrapped with copper wire and glowing warmly. I could still see nothing and I told Coypu so. He screeched in anger and tried to pull out some of his hair, failing in this since he was almost bald.

  "Look through the field and you see the parallel universe on the other side."

  "All I can see is the lab."

  "Moron. That is not this laboratory, but the one on the other world. It exists there just as it does here."

  "Wonderful," I said, smiling, not wanting to offend the old boy. Though I really thought he was crackers. "You mean if I wanted to I could just step through the screen and be in the
other world?"

  "Possibly. But you might also be dead. So far I have not attempted to pass living matter through the screen."

  "Isn't it time you tried?" Angelina asked, clutching my arm. "Only with some living matter other than my husband."

  Still muttering, Coypu exited and returned with a white mouse. Then he put the mouse in a clamp, fixed the clamp to a rod, then slowly pushed the mouse through the screen. Absolutely nothing appeared to happen other than that the wriggling mouse managed to squirm out of the clamp and drop to the floor. It scuttled aside and vanished.

  "Where did it go?" I asked, blinking rapidly.

  "It is in the parallel world, as I explained."

  "The poor thing looked frightened," Angelina said. "But it didn't appear to be hurt in any way."

  "Tests will have to be made," Coypu said. "More mice, microscopic examinations of tissue, spectroscopic determination of factors . . ."

  "Normally yes, Prof," I said. "But this is war and we just don't have the time. There is one real time saver that will enable us to find out right now--"

  "No!" Angelina called out, being faster on the uptake than the professor. But she said it too late.

  Because even as she called out I was stepping through the screen.

  EIGHTEEN

  The only sensation I felt was sort of a mild tingle, though even this might have just been a product of my fevered imagination since I was expecting to feel something. I looked around and everything looked very much the same to me--though of course all of the parallelizer equipment was missing.

  "Jim diGriz, You come back at once--or I'll come after you," Angelina said.

  "In just a moment. This is a momentous instant in the history of science and I want to experience it fully."

  It was disconcerting to look back through the screen and find that the view of the other lab--as well as Angelina and the professor--vanished when I walked off to one side. From the front the field itself was invisible, though when I walked around behind it it was clearly visible as a black surface apparently floating in space. Out of the comer of my eye I saw something move; the mouse scuttling behind a cabinet. I hoped that he liked it here. Before returning I felt I had to mark the important moment some way. So I took out my stylus and wrote SLIPPERY JIM WAS HERE on the wall. Let them make of that what they will. At that moment the door started to open and I instantly nipped back through the screen. I had no desire to meet whoever was coming in. It might even be a parallel-world duplicate of me, which would be very disconcerting.