Tangents, vol 1

by Rae Agatha

  She slightly lifted her hand silencing him.

  “You don’t need to say anything, Dan, really. You don’t even need to be here.”

  “Don’t say that, please,” he said and sat on her bed. “What’s happening?”

  “With me or with us?”

  “With – with you.”

  “Well, I’m having my ovaries removed, because of cysts. I’ve been suffering from them for some time now. They’re now too big to be treated in any other way than by surgery. It’s nothing very serious, Dan, it’s just inconvenient and might cause me some more problems in the future, so the doctor decided he wanted them gone.”

  “When’s your procedure?”

  “Tomorrow in the morning. It was supposed to be today, but they changed the date, so now I won’t be home until Tuesday, thus you might want to consider moving out a bit later, or, if you can’t, my parents will take care of Johnny.”

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Oh, Dan,” she sighed. It was all really difficult for her, he could tell. “You’ve changed your plans, your life for me once, you don’t have to do it again. If you’re happy with someone else, then okay, I get it, I release you. I don’t want you to feel unhappy because of me, again.” She covered her mouth and her eyes became teary.

  Dan had no idea how to react, he wanted to hug her, but was afraid she might reject him, so he sat there, beside her and just grabbed her hand.

  “I’m so sorry, Kate. I really am. I’m sorry for so many things. For the past three years. I – I can’t even begin to understand why you put up with me all this time, why you didn’t leave me,” he said racked with guilt.

  “Because that’s not how I was raised, Dan. My idea of marriage is about facing difficulties, about solving problems, not running away from them. You began drifting away from me, I should have asked you why, but I was scared, I was afraid you were going to tell me you hated me,” she sobbed.

  “What are you talking about, Kate?” He whispered.

  “I know you didn’t love me, that you proposed to me and that you married me because you felt you had to, that you wanted to help me make amends with my parents. You’ve always been such a great father to Johnny, he loves you so, so much,” she sniffed, “and when you drifted away from me, I wanted to give you the sense of freedom that you seemed to be looking for so hard. Hoping you would somehow find your way back to me. I was waiting for you to calm down, but didn’t react because I was too scared to confront you. I was so much afraid you’d say I was your burden, that I’d ruined your life, just as you keep on saying your parents did, oh God.” She sighed deeply, and burst out crying.

  Dan embraced her; he had no idea what to say. He was wondering how it was possible he had been blind for so long, focused on his own feeling of unjust, concentrating on his sense of damage, on pursuing things that didn’t really matter? And where did it all lead him to?

  “I wanted to leave you, Dan, I felt so unhappy with you for the past few years, but my mom kept on telling me I ought to do whatever there was to save our marriage, for the sake of Johnny’s, for the sake of us, that it was impossible to cross out almost a decade of life. She kept on telling me I ought to confront you about all this and not run away, and I couldn’t find the courage to do it,” she was crying.

  “We’ll get through this, Kate, you’ll see,” he said and tried to smile. She cleared her nose, dried her eyes and took a deep breath.

  “Tomorrow is my surgery, I don’t want to distract myself, I’m already scared of it, I don’t need any other poisoning emotions, but when I go out, provided you really want to be with me, I want us to seek help. If you want to stay with me, I cannot imagine not looking for help. And I cannot imagine not being fully honest with each other.”

  “Of course. Cross my heart.” He smiled delicately, and made the gesture Johnny would always make when he was promising something like going straight to bed after the evening cartoon or brushing his teeth after eating something sweet. They heard a knock on the door and Johnny came into the room.

  “Look what I found!” He said and carefully walked up to his parents. He straightened his hand and they saw a ladybug sitting on his palm. It was quite big and very red.

  “You know, once I’ve heard that the number of dots on their bodies represents their age. How many dots does this one have?” Dan asked.

  “1…2…4…5…6! So does it mean it’s six years old?”

  “I guess so,” his dad replied.

  “It’s a beautiful ladybug, Johnny, but I’m pretty sure it’d be happier being outside with its ladybug family rather than here in hospital,” Kate said and ruffled the boy’s hair.

  “Okay, I’ll let her go,” he replied, walked toward the window, opened it and shook the insect off his hand. The ladybug immediately spread its wings and flew away.

  “I’ll be right back, okay?” Said Dan and walked out of the room. Janet was outside. She looked at him and smiled. Dan sat next to her.

  “Thank you,” he said quietly.

  “You have a very long road ahead of you, both of you. You’ve both made mistakes, and, truthfully, Dan, you have no idea what she was going through during the past years. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t just confront you about all that, I didn’t know why she allowed you to treat her like that, but I also don’t believe a couple should split up without at least trying to figure out what went wrong.”

  “Why are you helping me? You’ve never liked me too much.”

  “True. But you helped me get my daughter back once. My only child that I had almost lost because of some stupid sense of pride. I think that now we are even,” she smiled.

  Dan smiled back at her.

  “Will doesn’t know about anything other than Julie. I would like it to stay like that. Hell, I think you’d like it to stay like that, God only knows what he’d do to you if he found out,” she laughed.

  Dan laughed, too and hugged her. For the first time, he meant it, it wasn’t an empty gesture of hugging one’s mother-in-law while wishing her happy birthday or Merry Christmas, this time he really meant it. He was grateful, he was relieved, he appreciated the fact that she was giving him a second chance. Janet hugged him, too.

  “Come on, let’s get inside,” she said.

  He looked at her and nodded.

  XI

  Two weeks after Kate came back home, they decided to start therapy. It was a painful process. Dan had to confess everything, although he just couldn’t say anything about the HIV risk, he thought Kate honestly to God did not need to know that. She was devastated. Until that time, she was sure he was partying with friends from work in a sense of drinking heavily but she had no idea about the clubs, the girls, and the occasional drug use.

  “Oh my God, Dan. I don’t know you. I’ve been with you for almost ten years, but I just don’t know who you are,” she said in shock after hearing his confession.

  On their way back from that particular session, she was completely quiet. As strange as it may have been, he felt good; it was an awful experience for him, but it also felt right that she knew, that he was coming out clean, finally, ready to start building things again.

  It was all very difficult. There were silent days, there were days when they couldn’t stand the sight of each other, there were days when they would argue all the time. It was a process they needed to go through, but Dan had to admit it, he thought it would take less time. The whole situation was extra complicated for Kate who was suffering for two reasons. One was the therapy and what she had found out about her husband. It felt impossible for her to regain and rebuild the trust she thought they’d shared, she knew she had to try, but all the revelations made her feel powerless, doubting if it all made any sense at all. The second reason was her surgery and all the hormonal turbulences it caused. Kate started HRT and it had great influence on her moods, her looks, her comfort and self-confidence. She would often just walk around home sobbing, or she would be angry all day, but most of the time K
ate would just feel tired, she would sleep most of the day.

  ***

  On May 6th, Dan got home late from work. Johnny was at Michael’s house, so it was unusually quiet. Dan walked upstairs to the bedroom and saw Kate was getting ready for bed. He came to her, but she only hugged him and turned the night lamp down. Delicately but firmly pushed him away, so he turned the night lamp by his side of the bed off and walked downstairs to the living room. He prepared himself a drink; it was Friday after all, time to celebrate the beginning of the weekend. Dan turned the TV on and stretched out on the sofa to read the newspapers he hadn’t had a chance to scan during the week. Looking through the economy section, he did not even notice when he fell asleep.

  Chapter 9

  They continued moving with Rick and Matylda slightly ahead of Dan and Anna, shining their way using her personal flashlight. It was small, but it was very powerful, casting a strong, very bright ray of light. Dan and Anna were about five yards behind them, making sure not to stumble on anything using the flashlight from the plane. They were all quiet for some time, trying to cope with everything that had just happened. Everyone was depending on Matylda; none of them had the slightest idea where exactly they were going. It was a few minutes before 8:00 a.m. the two moons were still shining on them; the stars were still clearly visible. There were absolutely no traces of a day coming.

  “You can give me the backpack, I bet it’s quite heavy with the vegetables and our clothes,” Rick said to Matylda.

  “It’s all right,” she answered and fixed it on her back as it wasslipping.

  “You’re sure?” He asked.

  “Yes, it’s fine, let’s move.”

  “Matylda, you certainly may have the Swiss Army Knife and a camping flashlight on you and please feel free to stab as many snakes as you’d like, but, seriously, you can give me the backpack, I promise, I won’t lose it,” he said jokingly, but at the same time in a tone that wouldn’t take no for an answer.

  She looked at him irritated at first, but finally she took it off her back.

  “There, happy?” She asked.

  “Delighted,” he answered, winked, put it on his back and puffed; the damn thing must have weighed at least fifteen pounds. “Jesus, what are you carrying there? Rocks?”

  “Take everyone’s clothes out of it, it’ll be at least a bit lighter and we’ll be less cold,” Anna said.

  They stopped for a minute and Rick took out Dan’s jacket, his shirt and Anna’s sweater. He put the backpack on again, which wasn’t lighter at all, and they continued walking.

  “Much better,” Rick said and shook the backpack on his shoulders to make it more comfortable to carry.

  “Are we going to go through the fields where you found the vegetables? I’m guessing we might need some more food than just a cabbage, some potatoes and a few strawberries,” Dan said.

  “No, but there are other fields relatively near the hut, so once we get there, we’ll see what grows there.”

  “Does anyone live there?” Rick asked.

  “Not now, I don’t think so, but in the past – for sure.”

  “How far is the hut?” Anna asked.

  “What, you’ve got somewhere else to be?” Matylda asked sarcastically.

  “Hey, what the hell’s with the attitude? I think it was a normal question to ask, come on.”

  “We’ve been walking for about two hours now, I think it’s natural we want to know,” Dan said. “I mean, I hope you remember the way and we’re not just walking around.”

  “I know the way, okay? I do. We’ll be there in about an hour, maximum,” Matylda answered quite aggressively.

  “Listen, Matylda,” Rick said, “calm down, okay? We’re all under a huge, gigantic amount of stress, but the four of us together is all we have, so there’s no need for any unnecessary acerbity. So let’s cool it, we’re moving ahead, and you’re the one leading us, okay?”

  Matylda looked at all of them. “Just follow me, and stay close, all right? Now comes the unpleasant part of our little field trip.”

  “Why? Where are we going?”

  “To the woods.”

  ***

  They were standing on the edge of the forest. It was completely dark the moons’ light was imperceptible due to the gigantic sequoias. None of them wanted to enter the woods, yet all of them knew they had to.

  “Is there any other way?” Anna asked quietly.

  “Not that I’m aware of,” Matylda replied. “We have to go that way.”

  “Can’t we just wait here for the day time?”

  “We don’t know when it’ll happen. Might be five minutes from now, might be five hours,” Dan said.

  “And we have no idea what else we find in the grass. More snakes? Maybe something worse,” Rick said. None of them wanted to even begin to contemplate that.

  “Do we know what we may find in the forest?” Anna asked.

  “When I was walking back to the plane, nothing happened to me in the woods. It was outside of the woods that the snakes attacked me, also, there were no insects in the forest, they flew around the open-air area. I guess, the forest itself is not that bad, it just doesn’t look too amiable,” Matylda said.

  “No, it does not,” Rick said quietly. “So,” he clapped his hands,

  “how about getting to that hut, make a fire and eat some baked jacket potatoes, huh? Who’s with me?” He looked at them.

  “Here we go,” Anna said and they all stepped into the woods.

  The first thing that struck them was how quiet it was, how cold and how moist. There were no birds chirping, no owls hooting, no insects buzzing. Nothing. As if it was dead. On the ground there was mist, lying beneath their feet like a silver and white carpet, covering the grass and roots. Dan looked up and discovered he almost couldn’t see the sky at all; the sequoias were so huge and wide-stretching. With no moonlight, it felt like stepping into a black hole, some kind of a wicked vacuum.

  The air was cold, Rick and Dan buttoned up. Soon everyone’s breaths started to steam. They all walked forward very slowly, shining their feet with the flashlights to dispel the mist, feeling their shoes and pant legs getting wetter with every step. Apart from the sequoias there were stems, tall grass covered with dew, ferns reaching out to them and lianas hanging down, tickling their heads and arms. The ground seemed a bit marshy but it was possible to walk.

  “This is by far the creepiest place I’ve ever seen,” Anna whispered.

  “We need to stick together, it’s so dark here it’s way too easy to lose people out of sight,” Matylda said.

  They were walking in pairs, carefully taking another step. “I sure hope nothing crawls or runs on the ground level, I can hardly see anything because of the mist,” Dan sighed.

  “How long do we need to be in the woods?” Rick asked.

  “I’d say I needed about an hour to walk through it, but it looked kind of different when I was here last time,” Matylda replied.

  “How do you mean different?”

  “I don’t know. Less – moist, less humid.”

  “You know what? Maybe it means the day is coming, that maybe it’ll be dawn, soon?” Rick said and smiled.

  “Right, the temperature slowly rises, hence the dew,” Dan said.

  “Well, hopefully,” Anna said.

  They kept on moving. At one point, Matylda froze mid-step.

  “Did you hear that?” She said.

  “Hear what?” Dan asked.

  “Shh, listen!”

  There was a delicate creaking sound heard in the distance.

  “It’s probably the wind,” Dan said.

  “I don’t think so, I can’t feel any wind, can you? “Rick said quietly.

  “Do you think something’s coming? Oh God,” Anna covered her mouth with terror.

  “We might shoot a flare to have a better vision,” Matylda said.

  “We’d see better for about a minute and lose a flare which might be needed later on, there are only four le
ft. Besides, it’s difficult to say where the sound is coming from anyway, in which direction would we fire it?” Rick asked.

  “I think it’s closer. The sound,” Dan whispered.

  They all went silent, listening, desperately looking around trying to spot something approaching. The creaking sound was the same kind of sound which would appear once a gust of wind would bend an older tree, but in that case it wasn’t coming from the tree tops, it was coming from…

  “The ground!” Matylda shouted. “The sound is just below us!”

  Everyone instinctively took a step back. Matylda pulled her Swiss Knife out of her pocket and, together with Anna, they pointed their flashlights on the ground. All of them felt the immediate adrenaline rush in their veins, their sight became sharper, their hearing more sensitive. They were standing there among the mist, not saying anything, looking down, breathing heavily, and waiting. However, since nothing had been happening during the next few minutes, they all started to relax a bit.