Tangents, vol 1

by Rae Agatha

  “I don’t care! You’re not going anywhere! Adam is a boy, he can afford to act stupid, but you?! We have so many plans, expectations of you, why are you taking all of this away from us?” Ewa said.

  “Because I have my own plans, I have my own expectations, dreams I want to pursue!” Matylda shouted. At first she was afraid she was hurting them, but now, the drama, the hysteria, it only made her angry. Her whole life had looked like this; either they were terrorizing her with God, or with her mother’s moods and hysteria. Enough. Adam was able to set himself free, she was about to do the same. And where the hell was Dorota?!

  “I’m not going alone, I’m going with Dorota, I’m going to my brother’s, I want to save money to start a company, what is wrong with that?!” She said angrily.

  “We’ve allowed you so many things,” Ewa said.

  “Like what, Mom?! Like camping? Fine, what else? I’m listening. I want you to tell me what are the things you have allowed me to do or given me that I am so ungrateful for?”

  “We’ve taken care of you, fed you,” the mother continued.

  “Are you kidding me now? Seriously?!”

  “Since when did you know you were leaving?” Piotr asked.

  “Since April.”

  Ewa sobbed loudly, her breath was labored. She was getting ready to her usual hysteria attack circus, something that a few years ago would make Matylda feel guilty, but was now nothing more but a show, her mother’s usual, desperate, and quite pathetic attempt to gain control over the situation to make sure things go the way she wanted to.

  “And you didn’t care to tell us?” Ewa asked, looking at her daughter. She put her palm on her breast to underline the fake breathing problems.

  “Can you blame me?” Matylda made a gesture saying “look around you”

  “Is it Adam’s idea?”

  “No, it’s mine.”

  “We’re just worried you’ll lose God that you’ll forget where you come from, the core of your existence. I mean, Western Europe is so rotten, Matylda, please, please think again,” Piotr said.

  “If you’re really more worried about me losing God than leaving you, then I guess I’m making a good choice I’m going.” Matylda said at which point Piotr slapped her. She was shocked. It happened very fast, and was completely unexpected. She only kept her hand on her burning cheek, looking at him and felt the tears flood her eyes.

  “Dad, what have you done?” She whispered. He didn’t answer, he was only looking at her in such a vile way it made her hate him and afraid of him at the same time. Her father’s reaction made her feel humiliated, embarrassed, and ultimately betrayed. The emotions were trying to explode inside her mind, cover her mind, take control over her, so she was just breathing fast, gasping to calm down. He wasn’t sorry, she was sure of it, but she couldn’t say if the spark of satisfaction she spotted in his eyes, really did manifest itself for that split of a second or if her confused mind was seeing things. Matylda knew one thing; she couldn’t cry, she couldn’t show him how much he’d hurt her, because it would mean his triumph. His final statement. Her loss.

  At that time, they all heard a knocking on the door. Piotr looked angrily at Matylda and went to open it. Dorota was outside.

  “Can I come in?” She asked.

  “It’s not the best time!” Piotr answered.

  “I think it is, I’m sorry,” Dorota said and slipped into the house. She saw Matylda rubbing her cheek and crying silently, she spotted Ewa sitting on an armchair, her eyes were swollen.

  “Oh my God,” Dorota walked up to Matylda and touched her cheek. “What happened? Have you seriously done that?!” She turned around and looked at Matylda’s parents.

  “Come on, let’s go,” Matylda said.

  “Did you say everything you wanted to?” Dorota asked.

  Matylda looked at her and Dorota immediately knew everything. “Take you suitcase, we’re leaving.”

  Matylda’s parents stood in the hallway watching in silence as their daughter got ready to leave. She was still in shock, but at that moment, she had no idea if she still hated him or rather felt sorry for him.

  “We’ve allowed Matylda to camp with you, to spend time with you and you’re taking her away from us!” Ewa shouted at Dorota.

  “I’m not taking her away, we’re only going for summer,” Dorota said. “If there’s anyone who was pushing her away from you it’s you, really,” she added.

  “Be careful there,” Piotr said furiously, “do not speak to me about things you don’t know anything about.”

  Matylda sighed heavily. She put her jacket and backpack on and looked at both of them.

  “Mom, Dad. Dorota is not only my friend, she’s someone much more than that,” she said and felt her heart was pounding. Dorota put her hand on Matylda’s shoulder to give her courage. “She’s my – we’re together,” she said and put her hand on Dorota’s arm.

  Her parents were dumbfounded. They stared at them as if the words that Matylda had just spoken were in a foreign language, finally, Piotr burst with nervous laughter.

  “What are you saying?” Ewa asked quietly.

  “That I’m gay, Mom. I love Dorota, I want to be with her,” Matylda said, surprised by her own confidence. Something burst inside of her the moment her father slapped her. She no longer cared about their emotions, she was free. The desperate gesture that was supposed to keep her by their side, which was supposed to show her where she belonged in the family hierarchy, was actually the most liberating thing that had ever happened to her. It set her free. Let her go. She was on her own path now, and she knew she wasn’t going to look back at them. Not anymore. Once she realized that, she felt calm. They no longer had any power over her.

  “Get out of my house, you freak,” Piotr hissed angrily. His breath was loud, his face became red with emotions. He was furious “Get out! Don’t ever return! I will not tolerate sinners and deviants at my home! I don’t ever want to see you again!”

  “Piotr, stop,” Ewa cried. “She has no idea what she’s doing, what she’s saying!”

  “Come on, let’s go,” Dorota whispered in Matylda’s ear. Matylda felt tears falling down her cheeks, but she dried them with her hand and left.

  “You are a disgrace to this family! Don’t ever come back!” Piotr kept on yelling.

  Matylda and Dorota were already outside. Dorota had called a taxi which now waited to take them to the train station. Matylda looked at her family home once more, had a feeling she was looking at it for the last time, at least for a long time. In a way she had expected such a reaction from her parents, but, to be honest, she was hoping, against all hope, that maybe they would treat her a bit differently, give her a chance to be happy and live her life with their support. Everything seemed clear now. She only had Dorota, and the uncertain future ahead of herself.

  As they sat in the backseat of the taxi, Dorota held her hand, a gesture assuring her they were both doing the right thing, that she was supporting her. Matylda was still in shock and hoped that the UK was going to be kind to them, because as of this moment, she no longer had a place to come back to.

  IX

  They spent four months in Liverpool. The job was well-paying, although it was very physically demanding. Quite often they had to work sixteen hour days or more, had one or a maximum of two days off during the week and it was incredible how much their backs would sometimes hurt after a whole day of changing sheets, vacuuming, washing the floors and throwing away garbage.

  Being a chambermaid was actually an interesting experience from a social point of view. It was amazing what a mess people would leave in their rooms, as a rule the higher the room standard was, the bigger pigsty the place was.

  Dirty towels on the bathroom floors were nothing. Too often Dorota and Matylda would find used condoms, alcohol spilled on the carpet, blocked toilets, food scattered on the floor. People were basically shameless when it came to living in hotels, apparently they felt that since they weren’t their homes, t
hey had the right to do anything they wanted and to leave anything there for the service to clean. The tips, however, were good, sometimes almost equal to their daily rates.

  Dorota persuaded Matylda to dye her hair. Matylda wasn’t sure about it at first, but Dorota convinced her and they both chose deep, red color. For the first time in her life, Matylda colored her hair. She loved the result.

  Living with Adam and his girlfriend Alice was fun at the beginning, but soon it became obvious there were too many people in their small apartment. Matylda and Dorota were sleeping in the living room area of the room which also had a kitchen area. Constant queues to the bathrooms, not having even a minimum of intimate space, bags and suitcases everywhere was their reality during the first month. Adam and Alice had trouble trying to get into the kitchen in the morning, mainly because they didn’t want to wake up the girls who, for example, where sleeping after almost twenty hours at work, or it was their only free day in the given week and they didn’t feel like waking up at 7:00 a.m.

  Finally, Adam went to Matylda at work to talk with her face to face. He gently told her that Alice was becoming fed up with the situation that it’d be difficult with Matylda living with them, but with Matylda and Dorota, it was simply getting impossible. Matylda understood that and,in fact, she told him they were actually looking for a different living possibility anyway as they also felt bad about taking Adam and Alice’s space away. Not to mention that they wanted to be alone sometimes and this was nearly impossible given the current conditions. Finally the owner of the hotel allowed Dorota and Matylda to live in one of the lower standard rooms. He would take a part of their salaries away for that, but they agreed on that; the tips were filling it in, so they weren’t really losing anything.

  Neither of them had any contact with their parents. About a week after their arrival in Liverpool, Matylda asked Dorota how the coming out went in her case. At first Dorota didn’t want to answer, trying to dodge the whole thing, but finally, when pushed, she confessed she hadn’t said anything, that she didn’t have the courage.

  Matylda couldn’t believe it; she was furious. All that talk about a clean start, about the need for closure, about being honest turned out to be bullshit. It was only her, the naive Matylda, who actually admitted to her parents who she was, and, as a result, most probably lost them forever. Of course, she was glad she left home, but it was painful to know she didn’t have any place to return to. Matylda wanted to break free from her parents, but didn’t want to lose them, not to mention the fact that she had been the one having doubts if coming out was a good idea in the first place, and it had been Dorota who’d kept forcing the issue, kept on convincing her it was the only way to move forward. What a joke, what a comedy.

  Even though Matylda felt deeply hurt, she knew they had to settle things between them. Being alone in a foreign country, fighting for their better future, for their plans, they had to make amends. After two silent days, they finally talked about it, Dorota apologized to Matylda countless times, and things seemed to be coming back to normal, however, Matylda felt her trust to Dorota was seriously undermined.

  At the end of September their deal with the hotel owner was about to expire. He told them he wasn’t planning on prolonging their agreement, good workers as they were, as the summer season was ending and he no longer needed any extra staff. They had one week to figure out what to do.

  “I think we have enough of money to rent something back in Poland and open the survival school, what do you think?” Matylda said lying on the bed.

  Dorota was sitting by the window, looking emotionlessly ahead at the street.

  “Where do you think we could settle in Poland?” Matylda asked. Obviously they wouldn’t be coming back to their hometown. “Any ideas?”

  “I’m not going back,” Dorota finally said and looked at her.

  Matylda sat on the bed. “What are you talking about?”

  “You heard me. I am not going back. There’s nothing to return to, not for me at least.”

  “But the plan was –“

  “Well, plans change.”

  “What about the survival school?”

  Dorota sighed, “Oh come on, Matylda. I have never considered it, like, seriously.”

  “What?” Matylda had no idea what was happening. What was Dorota talking about?

  “Look, I made up that survival school thing to push you a bit, okay? To help you make a decision to come here.”

  “But what are you saying, that you’ve manipulated me?!”

  Dorota looked at her and didn’t say anything.

  “Oh my God Dorota! I’ve lost my home, my parents, I could have gone to college, could have had my freedom in another city, I gave up everything for you,” she cried out. “How can you do this to me, again?”

  “What do you mean again?”

  “Like I’m the only one who came out, remember? Even though I’m the one who didn’t want to.”

  “Jesus, Matylda,” Dorota sighed. “Get over it. I’ve apologized to you like a billion times, what else am I supposed to do?”

  “Come out, too, that’d be nice,” Matylda scoffed.

  “Look, like I’ve said, I’m not going back, that’s for sure. Actually, I’ve found one nice job ad and thought you might like it.”

  “What?”

  “I found a European work agency here in the city and, since I knew our deal here was going to be over soon, I figured, I’d go there and see what they were offering for people in our age.”

  Matylda thought that, obviously, Dorota was looking for the offers because she knew she wasn’t going back to Poland. Matylda Nowak was the only one thinking they were returning at the beginning of October. “And?”

  “And I’ve found two job offers in Madrid,”

  “Madrid?!”

  “Si!” Dorota laughed. “An international language school in Madrid is offering a job to the teachers of English.”

  “Don’t they have teachers of English in Spain? Why would they want us?”

  “Because they liked our application.”

  “Oh my God, Dorota,” Matylda lay on the bed. “What did you do?”

  “I enrolled us. Sent the forms. We passed the on-line language test, it really wasn’t complicated, easy-peasy for the CPE certificate owners that we are,” Dorota smiled. “They have no restrictions concerning the countries, and, well, so far, they want to see us in Madrid for a job interview.”

  “When?”

  “Next week.”

  “Jesus,” Matylda whispered. “I’ve never done anything like this, I mean cleaning the rooms is not the same as teaching someone a foreign language.”

  “You’ve been helping many people at doing their homework, haven’t you?”

  “It’s not the same.”

  “Hey, look, we have enough money to experiment and go. If it doesn’t work, fine, we go back to Poland.”

  “We don’t even know Spanish.”

  “It’s not an obstacle, and we can always learn some while being in Madrid, right?”

  Matylda was looking at her and had no idea what to think. Dorota was crazy, she really was, but, at the same time, she was right. They had enough of money to look for different options in life.

  “I can’t believe this,” Matylda whispered and sat on the bed. “I guess we can try,” she said. “It’s not like we have many other options.”

  “Yes!” Dorota shouted and enthusiastically clapped her hands. “Now you’re talking! Come on, it’s going to be great! So much fun!”

  “Dorota, if you do something like this again, if you’re ever dishonest with me again, I don’t think we’ll last as a couple,” Matylda said seriously. She meant it. What Dorota had done had deeply wounded her. Once again she made a decision that affected the two of them that Matylda had no control over or influence on. Dorota looked at her seriously and nodded her head.

  They told Adam, who allowed them to leave most of their things at his place for a week until they knew if they got
the jobs or if they would be going back to Poland. He found the idea of working in Madrid fantastic and told Matylda they should definitely give it a try. Matylda had to agree, after giving it a second thought, she thought it could have been a nice adventure after all, but Dorota’s attitude hurt her. It made her feel once again like she was a passenger in her own life.

  Four days after the conversation, they flew to Madrid. Even though it was the beginning of October, the air felt like spring, it was warm and sunny. They checked into a hotel and went by taxi to the language school. They had no idea what to expect, but they had all their papers, certificates and documents and decided to go with the flow, to see what would happen.

  They had their job interviews separately. Dorota got the job, Matylda didn’t.

  They moved to Madrid. The summer money allowed them to rent a small apartment on the outskirts of the city. Dorota was commuting to work every day by train, in the afternoon from Monday to Wednesday and in the morning on Thursdays and Fridays. Matylda found a job in a fast food restaurant. She was working at the grill section, and felt she hated her job more and more with every day. Both of them attended Spanish courses during the weekends.

  In the middle of November, Dorota asked Matylda if it was okay for her to go to Poland to see her family for Christmas. It hurt her; reminded her that Dorota still had a family. Fortunately, at more or less the same time, Adam called and asked them both to visit them for Christmas. Matylda told him she would come alone. It was a relief to know she was not going to spend that time alone.

  On the 20th of December, they hugged at Madrid-Barajas International Airport and each of them flew to another part of Europe for Christmas. Matylda had a really nice time with Adam, Alice and her family, grateful she wasn’t alone, that she still had people who cared for her. She knew Dorota was having a great time with her family, organizing sleigh rides, snowball fights with her cousins and planning spending New Year’s Eve with some friends from high school.