Sexus: The Rosy Crucifixion, Book I

by Henry Miller

  Put your hands down, he said, low and tense.

  I dropped them like two flails. I was petrified with fright.

  He pulled the gun out again, levelled it, and said in the same even, low, tense voice: I'm givin’ it to you in the guts, you dirty dog! With that I collapsed. As I fell I heard the bullet spatter against the wall. It was the end. I expected a fusillade. I remember trying to curl up like a foetus, crooking my elbow over my eyes to protect them. Then came the fusillade. And then I heard him running.

  I knew I must be dying, but I felt no pain.

  Suddenly I realized that I hadn't even been scratched. I sat up and I saw a man running after the fleeing assailant with a gun in his hand. He fired a few shots as he ran but they must have gone wide of the mark.

  I rose to my feet unsteadily, felt myself all over again to make certain that I was really unhurt, and waited for the guard to return.

  Could you help me, I begged, I'm pretty rocky.

  He looked at me suspiciously, the gun still in his hand.

  What the hell are you doing here this hour of the night?

  I'm weak as a cat, I mumbled. I'll tell you later. Help me home, will you?

  I told him where I lived, that I was a writer, that I had been out for a breath of fresh air. He cleaned me out, I added. Lucky you came along...

  A little more of this lingo and he softened up enough to say—Here, take this and get yourself a cab. You're all right, I guess. He thrust a dollar bill in my hand.

  I found a cab in front of a hotel and ordered the driver to take me to Love Lane. On the way I stopped to get a package of cigarettes.

  The lights were out this time. I went up by the stoop and slid lightly down to the hallway. Not a sound. I put my ear to the door of the front room and listened intently. Then I stole softly back to the little cell at the end of the hall where the big one usually slept. I had the feeling that the room was deserted. Slowly I turned the knob. When I had opened the door sufficiently I sank to all fours and crept in on hands and knees, feeling my way carefully to the bed. There I raised my hand and felt the bed. It was empty. I undressed quickly and crawled in. There were some cigarette butts at the foot of the bed—they felt like dead beetles.

  In a moment I was sound asleep. I dreamt that I was lying in the corner by the heart, with a coat of fur, padded paws and long ears. Between my paws was a bone which had been licked clean. I was guarding it jealousy, even in my sleep. A man entered and gave me a kick in the ribs. I pretended not to feel it. He kicked me again, as though to make me growl—or perhaps it was to make me let go of the bone.

  Stand up! he said, flourishing a whip which had been hidden behind his back.

  I was too weak to move. I looked up at him with piteous, bleary eyes, imploring him mutely to leave me in peace.

  Come on, get out of here! he muttered, raising the butt end of the whip as if to strike.

  I staggered to all fours and tried to hobble away. My spine seemed to be broken. I caved in, collapsed like a punctured bag.

  The man coldly raised the whip again and with the butt end cracked me over the skull. I let out a howl of pain. Enraged at this, he grasped the whip by the butt end and began lashing me unmercifully. I tried to raise myself but it was no use—my spine was broken. I wriggled over the floor like an octopus, receiving lash after lash. The fury of the blows had taken my breath away. It was only after he had gone, thinking that I was done for, that I began to give vent to my agony. At first I began to whimper; then, as my strength returned, I began to scream and howl. The blood was oozing from me as if I were a sponge. It flowed out in all directions, making a big dark spot, as in the animated cartoons. My voice got weaker and weaker. Now and then I let out a yelp.

  When I opened my eyes the two women were bending over me, shaking me.

  Stop it, for God's sake, stop it! the big one was saying.

  The other was saying: My God, Val, what's happened? Wake up, wake up!

  I sat up and looked at them with a dazed expression. I was naked and my body was full of blood and bruises.

  Where have you been? What happened? Their voices now chimed together.

  I was dreaming, I guess. I tried to smile but the smile faded into a distorted grin. Look at my back, I begged. I feels broken.

  They lay me back on the bed and turned me over, as if I had been marked fragile.

  You're full of bruises. You must have been beaten up.

  I closed my eyes and tried to remember what had happened. All I could recall was the dream, that brute standing over me with a whip and lashing me. He had kicked me in the ribs, as if I were a mangy cur. (/'W give it to you in the guts, you dirty dog!) My back was broken, I remembered distinctly. I had caved in and sprawled out on the floor like an octopus. And in that helpless position he had lashed away with a fury that was inhuman.

  Let him sleep, I heard the big one say.

  I'm going to call an ambulance, said the other.

  They began to argue.

  Go away, leave me alone, I muttered.

  It was quiet again. I fell asleep. I dreamt that I was in the dog show; I was a chow and I had a blue ribbon around my neck. In the next booth was another chow; he had a pink ribbon around his neck. It was a toss-up which of us would win the prize.

  Two women whom I seemed to recognize were bickering about our respective merits and demerits. Finally the judge came over and placed his baud on my neck. The big woman strode away angrily, spitting in disgust. But the woman whose pet I was bent over and, holding me by the ears, raised my head and kissed me on the snout. I knew you would win the prize for me, she whispered. You're such a lovely, lovely creature, and she began stroking my fur. Wait a moment, my darling, and I'll bring you something nice. Just a moment...

  When she returned she had a little package in her hand; it was wrapped in tissue paper and tied with a beautiful ribbon. She held it up before me and I stood on my hind legs and barked. Woof woof! Woof woof!

  Take it easy, dear, she said, undoing the package slowly. Mother's brought you a beautiful little present.

  Woof woof! Woof woof!

  That's a darling ... that's it ... easy now ... easy.

  I was furiously impatient to receive my gift. I couldn't understand why she was taking so long. It must be something terribly precious, I thought to myself.

  The package was almost unwrapped now. She was holding the little gift behind her back.

  Up, up! That's it ... up!

  I got to my hind legs and began prancing and pirouetting.

  Now beg! Beg for it!

  Woof woof! Woof woof! I was ready to jump out of my skin with joy.

  Suddenly she dangled it before my eyes. It was a magnificent knuckle bone, full of marrow, encircled by a gold wedding ring. I was furiously eager to seize it but she held it high above her head, tantalizing me mercilessly. Finally, to my astonishment, she stuck her tongue out and began to suck the marrow into her mouth. She turned it around and sucked from the other end. When she had made a clean hole through and though she caught hold of me and began to stroke me. She did it so masterfully that in a few seconds I stood out like a raw turnip. Then she took the bone (with the wedding ring still around it) and she slipped it over the raw turnip. Now you little darling, I'm going to take you home and put you to bed. And with that she picked me up and walked off, everybody laughing and clapping hands. Just as we got to the door the bone slid off and fell to the ground. I tried to scramble out of her arms, but she held me tight to her bosom. I began to whimper.

  Hush, hush! she said, and sticking her tongue out, she licked my face. You dear, lovely, little creature!

  Woof woof! Woof woof! I barked. Woof! Woof, woof, woof!

 

 

 
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