by Ian Doescher
However can I love thee, being as
You are? But being other than you are,
I would not love thee. How this pirate hath
Laid claim upon the bounty of my soul!
O, wherefore did I speak so testily?
Why is it that whenever he is near
My wit is turn’d to unto a laser beam
With Han plac’d firmly in its sights? I tear
His heart in twain with words too cruel and harsh,
Then wonder why he is so full of pride.
’Tis now quite clear that he with arrogance
Doth speak so that he may his heart protect.
Forsooth, was e’er a woman placèd in
So delicate a situation yet?
[Exit Princess Leia.
Enter C-3PO.
C-3PO
O, where is that knave R2 now? For when
I need him most, then is he far away.
Perhaps on some adventure, which will serve
To puff him up most mightily, and leave
Him ever bragging o’er his exploits. Pish!
The scrawny, errant scamp perplexes me,
For he is both my nuisance and delight—
The thorn deep in my side and, stranger still,
The very object of my happiness.
Enter HAN SOLO and CHEWBACCA.
Now, Captain Solo, pray, a word with thee.
HAN
[aside:] A word from thee belike means hundreds more.
C-3PO
I know not where your ship did learn to speak—
It hath a most peculiar dialect.
It is as though ’twere programm’d by a thief,
And spends its days with smugglers, thugs, and crooks.
But now, no more of that; my point is made.
It doth report the power coupling on
The axis negative is polariz’d,
And must replacèd be to operate.
HAN
’Tis plain it must replacèd be. Presume
Thou not to tell a pilot—one so grand
As me, at least—the bus’ness of his ship.
[Exit C-3PO.
[To Chewbacca:] Good Chewie?
CHEWBAC.
—Egh?
HAN
—It seems we must replace
The power coupling negative, yes?
CHEWBAC.
—Grrm.
[Exit Chewbacca.
Enter PRINCESS LEIA, aside, working.
HAN
[aside:] We are alone. Yet ev’ry time I have
Approach’d her recently I’ve been rebuff’d.
This should not be a nut I cannot crack—
I am not ignorant in women’s ways.
Although, by troth, most often when I speak
Of “she” or “her,” I indicate my ship.
And yet, I am a man of many strengths:
I pilot ships with talent, skill, and grace,
In battles or in races hard to best,
My swift maneuvers legendary are
And through the galaxy my ship is known.
But with this princess, all my skill is naught.
My tongue is tied, and I resort to barbs
And witticisms sloppily convey’d.
How shall I show this princess my true heart?
How set aside my ego and be kind?
Here, in this moment, I shall undertake
To set my pathway not toward my pride,
But through the smoother course that runs to love.
[He approaches to help her and is shoved away.
[To Leia:] Pray patience, Worship, I but try to help!
LEIA
Couldst thou forswear thy pompous attitude
And promise thou shalt ne’er call me that name?
HAN
Aye, Leia.
LEIA
[aside:] —Prithee, give me patience now!
To make him thine, respond thou not with fire.
[To Han:] You do not make it simple.
HAN
—Yes, ’tis true.
But ’tis not I alone who is to blame,
For thou couldst softer and more gentle be.
O Princess, may we end these pointless games?
May we two souls of flame extinguish’d be
Just long enough to drink of love’s rewards?
I ask thee, truly, dost thou sometimes think
That certain virtues may be found in me?
Canst thou imagine ever looking deep
Into my soul to see the man within?
[Leia stops working and rubs her sore hands.
LEIA
Occasionally, mayhap, when you are
Not acting in the manner of a scoundrel.
[Han Solo takes Leia’s hands in his.
HAN
A scoundrel? “Scoundrel” is the word you choose?
I like that word, when spoken from your lips.
LEIA
Pray cease that touch, it doth my heart confuse.
HAN
But wherefore cease? What reason shall eclipse
The greater reason of my heart’s intent?
LEIA
But lo, my hands are dirtied by my work.
HAN
My hands are likewise dirty. Pray, assent
Unto this moment. What fear makes you shirk?
LEIA
What fear? I tell thee, I am not afraid.
HAN
Did I imagine that your hands did shake?
Thou likest that I am of scoundrel made.
For thy life could more scoundrel gladly take.
If thou wouldst cast my suit off, think again—
I would that thou within me deeper look.
LEIA
I tell thee true, that I do like nice men.
HAN
I too am nice.
[They kiss.
Enter C-3PO.
LEIA
[aside:] —He kisses by the book.
C-3PO
Sir, Sir, I’ve isolated the reverse
Flux power coupling. Have I done thee proud?
[Exit Princess Leia.
HAN
O thank you, 3PO, thank you so much.
C-3PO
But speak none of it, Sir—I have a touch.
[Exeunt.
SCENE 2.
Aboard the Empire’s Super Star Destroyer.
Enter DARTH VADER and CAPTAIN NEEDA (in beam).
NEEDA
The swift Millenn’um Falcon made its way
Unto the field of asteroids and that,
My great Lord Vader, was the last that they
Within our scopes did e’er appear. They must
Have been destroy’d, if one considers all
The damage we have tolerated here.
VADER
Your answer’s insufficient, Captain, for
I know they are alive. Thy scanners are
Poor proxies for the Force. Now listen well
To my command: I tell thee ev’ry ship
That hath some power left to give shall search
The ast’roid field until they have been found.
NEEDA
I shall with haste fulfill thy shrewd decree.
[Exit Captain Needa from beam.
Enter ADMIRAL PIETT.
PIETT
My Lord?
VADER
—Yes, Admiral?
PIETT
—The Emperor
Commands that thou do contact him at once.
VADER
Then, move the ship out of the ast’roid field
That I may with my master clearly speak.
PIETT
We will, my Lord.
[Exit Admiral Piett.
VADER
—Now shall I speak with my
Dread Emperor. The man who gave me life
When all was lost. The man to whom I owe
All that I am, and e’er shall be. The man,
/> Indeed, who like a father is to me.
His plans for pow’r and schemes most excellent
I do obey and carry out with pride.
Though people fear my aspect bleak and dark,
They should, more surely, fear what I will do
When answering his perfect, flawless will.
For sooner would I sacrifice my life
Than disobey the word of this great man.
Enter EMPEROR PALPATINE, in beam.
What is thy bidding, master pure and true?
EMPEROR
There is a great disturbance in the Force.
VADER
I too have felt it.
EMPEROR
—A new enemy
Arises, e’en the rebel who destroy’d
The Death Star—and I have no doubt this boy
Is kin to Anakin Skywalker.
VADER
[aside:] —O,
Profoundest revelation! I knew he
Was powerful and bore Skywalker’s name,
Yet that the boy is kin to Anakin
I did not see. [To the Emperor:] How is this possible?
EMPEROR
You only must within your feelings search,
Lord Vader. Then shalt thou too know ’tis true.
He could destroy us.
VADER
—He is but a boy,
And Obi-Wan no longer is his help.
EMPEROR
The Force is strong with him, and mark me well:
The son of Skywalker must ne’er become
A Jedi. Dost thou comprehend my words?
VADER
[aside:] I do his meaning understand, and yet
Another future for this boy I’ll write.
Not death, but something even greater still.
It may be that this young Skywalker will
Still prove to be most worthy of the name.
[To the Emperor:] If he could but be turn’d, an ally strong
He could become.
EMPEROR
—Indeed, thou speakest true.
The boy may prove himself an asset sure.
Can it be done? What is thy true reply?
VADER
The boy shall surely join us, or shall die.
[Exeunt.
SCENE 3.
Inside Yoda’s homestead.
Enter LUKE SKYWALKER.
LUKE
This creature I have follow’d to his home,
But still no further answers are reveal’d.
It seemeth that he stalls in bringing me
Unto the one I truly hope to see.
With all that hath befallen in this place
My patience runneth thin. I’ll press the point.
Enter Yoda.
Thy generosity is truly rare,
I’ll warrant that thy food delicious is.
Yet neither rhyme nor reason have I heard
Of wherefore we may not go, even now,
To see good Master Yoda where he lives.
YODA
Pray, patience, young one.
For Jedi too must eat—thus
My good food, eat now.
LUKE
How many leagues away is Yoda? Shall
The journey to him long and per’lous be?
YODA
Not far is Yoda.
Aye, soon thou shalt be with him.
First, eat of rootleaf.
Feast for a Jedi—
Food that enlivens the mind
Should thy repast be.
And now, a question:
What drives the young man’s heart to
Learn the Jedi way?
LUKE
This is an inquiry perceptive, friend,
For I am driv’n by force unto the Force:
My noble father doth inform my steps.
YODA
Thy father, indeed.
Powerful Jedi was he.
Powerful Jedi.
LUKE
Avaunt, thou silly creature, how canst thou
My father know? For surely thou dost not
E’en know who I am. Fie! I know not what
Or who or why or when or where or how
Hath brought about this meeting! Time is short;
Each minute pass’d with thee hath gone to waste!
YODA
[speaking to the air:] I cannot teach him.
The boy hath none of patience.
How shall he be taught?
The voice of the GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI is heard.
OBI-WAN
He patience lacks, but patience can be learn’d.
YODA
Much anger in him.
Sudden and quick in quarrel:
Too like his father.
OBI-WAN
Was I then diff’rent when thou didst teach me?
YODA
He is not ready.
’Tis now the thing that I see:
This one’s unprepar’d.
LUKE
’Tis Yoda! Nay, but Ben, pray argue for
My cause, for verily prepar’d am I!
I can and shall a Jedi be. True, Ben?
YODA
Ready are you, hmm?
What know you yet of ready?
Say naught of “ready.”
For eight hundred years
Have I the Jedi trainèd,
So say not “ready.”
I my own counsel
Shall keep on who’s to be trained!
A Jedi is wise.
A strong commitment
And a most serious mind
Are necessary.
Long have I watch’d him.
All his life looking away
To the future, hmm,
To the horizon.
Ne’er his mind on where he was,
What he was doing!
Ventures, excitement:
A Jedi craveth not these.
Thou art reckless, aye!
OBI-WAN
And so was I, if thou dost think on it.
YODA
And he is too old
The training to begin now.
Certain, he’s too old.
LUKE
But Master Yoda, I have learn’d so much.
YODA
And will he finish
The thing he doth begin here?
I prithee, tell me.
LUKE
I shall not fail thee: ’tis my promise true,
For I am not afraid of anything.
YODA
Thou shalt be yet, Luke.
My words most carefully heed:
Thou shalt be, indeed.
[Exeunt.
SCENE 4.
Aboard the Millennium Falcon, inside the asteroid.
Enter HAN SOLO, CHEWBACCA, and C-3PO.
C-3PO
Good Sir, if I may venture my belief—
HAN
I tell thee honestly, C-3PO,
That neither appetite nor inclination
Have I to feast upon your odd beliefs.
Do thou thy work but keep opinion out,
And we shall feast together on the silence.
Enter PRINCESS LEIA, in fear.
LEIA
O Han, a horrid sight I have just seen!
Whilst I did in the cockpit sit and think—
HAN
On what? Pray tell: what didst thou think upon?
LEIA
’Tis not the time for jokes and parries, please!
As I did sit there, suddenly a jolt
Went through me as I heard a sound upon
The window. Looking closer, I espied
A second beast outside that hard upon
The window fell. There’s something out there, Han—
Beyond the ship, abiding in the cave.
[A great sound is heard and the ship shakes.
CHEWBAC.
Auugh!
C-3PO
—Listen!
&nb
sp; HAN
—I shall venture out to see.
LEIA
Nay, art thou mad? It is not wise or safe
To go without when there are creatures we
Know nothing of.
HAN
—This bucket is just fix’d,
Wouldst thou I let some thing tear it apart?
LEIA
I see thy reason, and shall go with thee.
C-3PO
I shall with courage and with honor stay
Behind to bravely guard the ship.
[Another sound is heard.
O dear!
[Exit C-3PO as the others go outside the ship.
LEIA
What is this ground that we do walk upon?
’Tis strange—it doth not feel at all like rock.
HAN
Indeed, with thine assessment I agree:
It seems there is much moisture in this place.
LEIA
I have a feeling bad about this cave.
What odd new situation find we here?
Do not these signs and portents give thee fear?
HAN
Aye.
[Han sees something move.
Take thou cover!
[He shoots.
’Tis all right.
LEIA
—What is’t?
HAN
’Tis what I did suspect: some mynocks. They
Are fasten’d to the ship, a’chewing on
The power cables.
LEIA
—Mynocks? O what beasts!
HAN
Return inside, and we shall search for more.
[Several mynocks fly by. Han shoots, and the cave walls shake.
