The Long Road Home Romance Collection

by Judi Ann Ehresman

  Again thoughts of Mandy pushed their way into his head and heart. He still loved Mandy with all his heart. He longed to be with her and tell her of his spiritual discovery and commitment. But how could he go to someone to whom he had lied in this way—and who thought he was dead? For all he knew, Mandy could have moved back East, or…who knew what might have happened to her? It frightened him to think of the possibilities, but he could not gather the courage to go back and try to find her. Maybe someday.

  He struggled to push Mandy out of his mind. He had to keep his mind on business and his customers. Many of the new friends he had made at the little church shopped at the Taylors’ store, and he truly enjoyed their visits. It felt like the closest thing to an extended family Ethan had ever known. He rejoiced not only in his newfound faith but also in the family of God. But every time he had these thoughts, he soon was overwhelmed with guilt at the huge secret he was hiding from them all. He prayed for God’s guidance but was too afraid of rejection if he were to tell them the whole truth. So he struggled on.

  When Sunday arrived, he almost didn’t look forward to going to church because of the large burden of guilt he carried. He also dreaded his talk with Bess in the afternoon. He had prayed to have an opportunity to tell Bess of the joy and forgiveness he’d found in his new relationship with Christ but was concerned how she would receive the news.

  By early afternoon the sun was shining on the snow and made a cheery, if cold, day for a walk. As Ethan approached the saloon, Bess came out, almost as though she knew he didn’t want to go into the saloon anymore. After greeting one another, they began to walk, talking very little until they reached the edge of town. It was cold enough to make walking and talking and breathing rather an uncomfortable trio, so Ethan guided Bess to a small cluster of trees not far from the creek where he used to bathe when he worked on the railroad. There were enough trees and bushes to make a small shelter from the cold wind. He asked if she minded sitting on an old fallen tree trunk.

  When they were seated, Ethan spoke of his unhappy childhood in an unloving family and of the restlessness that continued to drive him from one thing to another until he finally found the answer in his newfound faith.

  Bess listened attentively as he told the whole story—the whole story, that is, except the part about Mandy. He still could not summon the courage to tell that part of his life to anyone.

  By the time he’d finished, huge tears were sliding down Bess’s cheeks.

  As Bess listened to Ethan’s story, she was sure she would not be welcome in the little church, but the longing to find the peace and joy Ethan was talking about almost overwhelmed her. Would God ever accept one such as her? Would she ever be able to turn her life around and have a different sort of life? She didn’t feel comfortable confiding these thoughts to Ethan, so she just said she appreciated him sharing his story and rose to go.

  Ethan was disappointed. He had so hoped Bess also would want to find a new way of life. As they made their way back to town, Ethan decided he would pray for Bess—that she, too, would find new life in God’s family.

  Chapter 14

  The snows eventually melted into early spring rains. Ethan could not help but think of the cabin in the woods and all the things that probably needed to be repaired. He knew Mandy couldn’t tap the maple trees in the woods when the sap ran again. But he consoled himself that they had made plenty of maple syrup to last several years before he left last year. He wanted so desperately to go home to Mandy and asked himself over and over why he had done this awful thing. When he thought of what he had done to her, he felt physically sick. No, this was his punishment; he would just have to live with it. He could never face Mandy with his lies and his betrayal of her faith in him.

  And so he kept himself busy in the store. He had used his creativity, and the Taylors had learned to trust and appreciate his judgment and let him arrange things the way he wanted. The new displays were as attractive as they were useful, and the Taylors sold more than they ever had before.

  During the slow days of winter, Ethan had asked if he could build a cupboard for a display in one area of the room. He had built such a beautiful cupboard that Mr. Taylor had paid him extra and asked him to build one for their home. Ethan had always loved making beautiful things and enjoyed every minute spent doing the fine carpentry work. Before he knew it, the short, dark days of winter had been pushed aside by the longer days and spring rains.

  The little church filled a huge void in Ethan’s life. The people were very friendly, and often he was invited to share meals with one family or another. At first this was enjoyable, but the more he visited their friendly and cozy homes, the more he thought of Mandy and missed the cozy home she had made for him. Sometimes it was all he could do to keep from telling his new friends the truth, but still fear held him back, so he kept that part of his life locked tight.

  Ethan did pray faithfully for Bess. He was concerned about her lifestyle, and that she had no one to care for her. He now knew that she needed to know God, but he also wondered what she would do for a living if she were to change her ways. Still, he continued to pray. From what he’d been learning, he had every confidence that God would take care of Bess’s life if she were to turn it over to Him.

  One Sunday morning, as they were singing the opening hymn, he heard the door open and turned his head toward it. He could hardly believe his eyes as Bess tried to slide her lace and ruffles and flounces into the back pew unnoticed. She had not seen him, so he quickly pivoted back toward the front. As the songs were sung and the message given, he could hardly hear what was being said for praying for Bess. As the last song was sung, he turned his head slightly to check on her, only to find she had already slipped out and was gone.

  He was oblivious to all the friendly chatter and laughter after the service. He knew he had spoken with some people but couldn’t remember who or what had been said. All he could think was to pray for Bess. He had no doubt that God loved her too, had a plan for her, and could bring happiness and fulfillment to her empty way of life.

  Ethan was surprised but pleased that no one in the church made unwelcome remarks about Bess. He sensed that they really cared about each lost soul and would be praying for her also. He wondered if anyone had had the opportunity to speak with her but didn’t feel it appropriate to ask. So he went on his way, determined in his heart to double his effort to pray for her.

  As Ethan worked in the store, he found that praying for Bess helped him not to think of Mandy so much. But he also spent time praying for Mandy. He built some new shelves for the walls of the store and a rocker for Mrs. Taylor to rest in by her fire in the evenings. Mrs. Taylor was a quiet, gentle woman probably only six or eight years older than he and Mandy. She had never complained of her sparse furnishings, but now quite frequently commented about how much she enjoyed the rocker for doing her mending and knitting.

  She had offered to wash his clothes when she did theirs soon after he had moved into his room in the eaves, which was a great relief for Ethan as he knew he would soon run out of money paying for laundry services. He was so glad he could do something to make her happy in return. He knew she missed their children, but she trusted God’s wisdom and never complained. He couldn’t help but wonder sometimes why God had let a good family like this experience the death of their children, and why he and Mandy had never been blessed with any children at all. He even wondered if it was perhaps better to have never had children than to have them, love them, and then lose them. Much of life was still such a mystery, but Ethan was thankful he now could trust in the all-wise God.

  Bess watched out the front window of the saloon as Ethan walked toward the store where he lived with the Taylors. She had never felt so confused. She had never let herself think about her life and what the future may hold for her. Something was changing, she could tell, and she wasn’t certain if it was a change she wanted or not. She just knew that, for now, Ethan had found a peace for which she had longed without even realizing she w
as longing for it.

  She had always pretty much stayed away from the other people in the town. She couldn’t imagine what they must do with their lives. How boring and empty their lives must be just keeping house and raising a bunch of children to grow up and do the same.

  Now, after meeting Ethan and getting to know him, for the first time she understood a little about what being a woman really meant. She daydreamed about settling down with Ethan, keeping house for him, and even raising a family. But then Ethan got involved in that church and stopped coming to see her.

  Suddenly her life seemed so empty. So meaningless. What had Ethan said about God and that church the day he had talked to her? How could it have changed him so? Her heart was so conflicted, it was difficult to get from one day to the next. She was always hoping for Ethan to come in and tell her he missed her.

  But day after day went by and he didn’t come. One Sunday she decided to go to that church and see for herself what it was all about.

  After slipping into the back pew, she was handed a songbook by a friendly lady with a warm smile, but the song they sang was nothing like any song she had heard before. She listened to the songs but watched the happy faces even more. Then the preacher began to talk. She didn’t quite understand what he was saying, but all the people appeared spellbound by his words. She was still wondering about some of it when they all stood to sing again. Bess decided that this was the best time to slip out if she didn’t want them all questioning her, so while they were rustling to stand, she slipped quietly out the back door.

  That afternoon, as she was rinsing out some of her clothes and bathing, she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was dirty in a way that was deeper than her skin. She had heard them singing about being washed whiter than snow, and suddenly she couldn’t explain why she felt so different from those people. Their happiness seemed to come from the inside somehow. They didn’t seem to have a worry in the world. Did everything always go perfectly for them? Had they indeed been washed whiter than snow? Like a light flashing on in her mind, Bess suddenly wondered if this was the kind of restlessness Ethan had been talking about. This unsettled feeling, as though something was out of place…or missing entirely.

  Chapter 15

  Monday blew in with such force that even the sun kept its distance in the gray morning sky. The moisture in the air was too cold to be called snow. It was frozen bits of ice being slashed against the glass of the window. The wind seemed to not even realize there was a window there—it came on in and made itself at home, billowing out the curtains and making the room colder than Bess could ever remember.

  Bess crept deeper under the comforters for warmth but realized too late that she had forgotten to add wood to her stove before going to bed, and her rooms were colder than she could stand. She knew none of the other girls would be awake yet to share some coals with her, so she huddled under the blankets and tried not to shiver.

  Was it the gloom of the day or the gloom of her spirits that made the day seem so dark? Her clock said 7:50 already, but it was not much lighter than the night. She chided herself for letting Ethan Evanston affect her like this. She had been with many men in her short life and could not explain why this one bothered her so. Was it the feeling of rejection since he had stopped coming to see her? Yet he had taken the time to explain why, which was more than anyone else had done. She should be satisfied that he cared enough to want to explain.

  “No,” she whispered to herself, “it’s his reason for not coming back and that church that make me feel as though there is something I am missing and can’t quite get my hands on. I have always been content with my life. What’s happening to me?”

  After trying unsuccessfully to sleep again for about another hour, she finally lifted her eyes heavenward and begged, “If there is a God out there, please help me to find the answers.” Then she shook herself, made a dive for her robe and slippers, and dashed down the back stairs to the kitchen to take some coals from the big cookstove and some kindling. While her fire was trying to catch on and make a flame, she returned to the kitchen to take some water from the reservoir on the stove. Hers was so frozen she knew it would be a long time before her fire was warm enough to thaw and warm it.

  Back in her room Bess put the water on to heat before once again wrapping in her blankets and watching the flames as they licked the edges of the cold wood. What would today bring? She was glad it was a dark, cold Monday, for business would probably be very slow. She didn’t feel like joking and laughing with the rough men who frequented Sam’s Saloon. In fact, she decided she would tell Sam she was not feeling well and ask if she could wash dishes tonight. She knew she couldn’t get away with that for very long, but maybe for tonight he would agree.

  After a few days, Bess got back to work, but for the first time there was no fun in flirting with the men. She was polite and laughed at their stupid remarks and jokes, but her heart was not in it. Somehow the men seemed to sense the change, too, and little by little she had fewer and fewer offers. She knew she had to try a little harder, or Sam would tell her to find a new place. He didn’t provide those rooms for free, and he wanted his share of her profits. He had been very patient with her the past few weeks because she had been one of the best workers he had had, but she knew his patience would not last forever.

  When Bess did have a man up to her room, she felt soiled and so dirty that she wanted to wash and wash. She could hardly wait to get him out of there. What was different? Was it that song about being washed whiter than snow? She couldn’t seem to get it out of her head. Ever since her visit to that little church it was as though she could see herself through some other eyes, and she felt soiled and used. Could God really wash her kind of filth clean and whiter than snow? What did those words mean anyway?

  Day after day she pondered the question. How would she ever know? She didn’t think she had the courage to go back to that church. She had felt so out of place. She tried to understand why—everyone had been friendly, handing her a songbook, smiling at her, moving over to give her room to sit, but not far enough to not touch her. Why was she hesitant to go back? Was she afraid of seeing Ethan again? Would he think she was just going there to see him? No, she simply couldn’t face going back. But then where would she find her answers?

  One day Bess awoke to a brilliant sun peeping through her east windows and realized that March was long gone. April had already half spent itself melting the snows into muddy rivers trickling through the ruts in the road and flowing under the boardwalk in front of the saloon. She opened her window and was surprised at how cold it still was, but she was sure she could smell spring in the air. It was enough to give her some hope. Suddenly she had to be outdoors. Could the newness of spring give her new life once again? Then her heart sank. She knew it would take more than a little sunshine and fresh breeze to freshen her wretched life. Still, she felt an urgent need to be outside.

  Bess dressed quickly and quietly slipped down the back stairs and out the back doors. After picking her way around to the front boardwalk to walk above the mud, she found herself walking down the street. Soon she realized someone had caught up with her and was walking beside her. She dared not lift her head to look, but she could see a soft skirt and hear the swish, swish of petticoats. As she sneaked a peek at the lady’s gentle smile, it seemed familiar for some reason, but she knew she did not know the lady. So, as she had been taught, she waited for the lady to speak first.

  “Good morning!” came the greeting, accompanied by a warm smile. “Isn’t it absolutely heavenly this morning?”

  Bess mumbled a surprised “Morning.” Usually ladies avoided such as her. What did this lady want?

  “We have not had the opportunity to meet before, but we did once share a hymnbook. My name’s Rebecca Taylor.”

  Oh, yes, the lady who had passed her a songbook in the church. “My name’s Bess. Guess I don’t really have a second name. I always meant to thank you for sharing with me. It was right nice of you.”


  “Oh, that’s all right. I know all the songs without a book anyway. I had always hoped you would come back—you look to be about my age—no, I can tell you’re younger, but not by so awful much.”

  Bess studied the lady for a few seconds. She certainly seemed sincere. She wouldn’t have had to acknowledge Bess, let alone walk with her. “I didn’t feel like I belonged there. Oh, everyone was nice enough, but I didn’t feel like I fit…” Bess faltered to a stop, her cheeks flaming hot.

  Rebecca was quick to fill the gap. “None of us fits, until we decide to. We would love to have you come again. It’s such a happy place!”

  “Thanks. It’s, just, well, I guess there’s so much I don’t understand. So much I don’t know. I don’t want to embarrass anyone. I don’t know how it’s all done or what it is even all about. I don’t even know the right questions to ask.”

  Rebecca turned and touched Bess’s elbow. “Bess,” she said gently, “I’m not certain I could answer all your questions, but I’d be glad to try. Or I’d be glad to go with you to Pastor Lewis’s and sit with you while you ask him your questions. He is such a wise man and very careful in his study of the scripture. He would know the answers to your questions and would be able to explain it all to you better than I ever could.”

  They walked on in silence for a while. Finally, Bess surprised herself. “I really do want to find some answers, and for some reason I feel they lie within that church, but I feel so unworthy.”

  “That’s perfect.” Rebecca smiled. “Until we recognize our own unworthiness, we can never understand the gift of God. Pastor Lewis lives just around this next corner. Would you like to visit him now?”