Fuck, he did. Asher Davis is a true homie. Heck, at one point, I thought he was going to be my brother-in-law.
Yeah, that didn’t happen.
We’re chilling at my apartment before we head to the field. Diego and Tony showed up bright and early this morning with donuts for all of us. Not the breakfast of champions but fuck it.
That’s been my attitude for months. Fuck it.
Fuck. It.
“It won’t be so bad,” Diego says with an actual smile on his face. Like he truly believes what he’s saying. “We’ll be together, and we’ve got your back. Not like Drew Callahan’s going to kick your ass out on the field for breaking his daughter’s heart.”
I tamp down the fury that fills me at Diego’s words as Tony sends him an exasperated look.
“Jesus, D. Shut the hell up,” Tony growls.
I say nothing, which is killing me, but damn. I refuse to say something I’ll regret. I’ve done enough of that to last me a couple of lifetimes.
I need these guys. I need their support. They’re all I’ve got. I blew the one thing that was good in my life and it’s like I can’t get her back. We’ve cut each other off completely.
I don’t deserve her anyway. She’s too damn good for me. But also…
I’m pissed at her still. For not even trying to fight back. For agreeing with me that we were done. I’m the one who gave her an ultimatum, and it bit me in the ass. If she would’ve come home and told me she missed me, we would’ve hashed it out. We’d probably be together right now.
But nope. We talked twice before she left for Spain. One minor argumentative conversation where I hung up on her. Then another big one. Like a massive blow out, yell at each other phone call that wasn’t pretty. That time she hung up on me.
I don’t even know if she’s home from her trip yet. Did she return from Europe? Is she still out there traveling around and meeting other people? Other guys?
Fuck, it’s absolute torture thinking of her with someone else.
No one tells me shit either. They’re all silent. Abnormally quiet. Someone knows something. I’d corner Grace if I could, but she went and moved recently because of her new job—teaching in the same school district a bunch of us went to as kids. The minute we graduate, Caleb’s headed up there too, I guarantee it. Doing what, no one is sure of yet, but he’ll figure something out.
Jake’s frozen me out completely too—not a huge loss since he’s down in So Cal, but totally expected. I did his baby sister wrong and now I’m the mortal enemy again. But this time, I’ve got his bros defending me as well. They’re my friends now too. I’m close with Diego and Caleb, his two besties from high school. In fact, Caleb is watching me right now with the most sympathetic look on his face I think I’ve ever seen.
“You should try and talk to her,” he suddenly says, and I stare at him as if he’s grown three heads.
“Hell no,” I say without hesitation. “She’ll claw my eyes out if I try and approach her.”
“You never know,” he says with a shrug. “She might be hurting as much as you are.”
“I’m not hurting,” I say. “I’m too pissed to hurt.”
Skeptical looks from each of them for that comment. I’m such an idiot.
“Women,” Tony says, shaking his head. “They’re the worst, am I right?”
I scoff. “Give me a break. You’re so whipped it’s not even funny.”
“Just as whipped as you were when you and Ava were together,” he throws back at me.
“They are the worst,” I tell him, because fuck me standing, they are. “Who needs them?”
“Not you,” Caleb says.
“Not me,” I agree.
I look at every one of them sitting around in my kitchen. They all have girlfriends. Shit, Diego and Jocelyn are practically married. He gave her a ring over the summer, the sucker. But he’s doing right by her because she’s the mother of their daughter and I get it.
They’re a family.
Tony and Hayden are living together and I think he’s close to giving her a ring too, which is wild to even contemplate. Jackson isn’t around—he’s too busy touring the world with Ellie by his side. Those two lovebirds are living the dream. And then there’s Caleb.
Caleb the player. Caleb the perv. Caleb the idiot.
Caleb who found himself a good woman—Gracie. The both of them were chasing after other people when they shared a connection with each other all along. He’s the one who’s blown my mind the most.
A few months ago, my friends’ relationships would not have bothered me. I wouldn’t have even noticed, too wrapped up in Ava. But now that I’m single and miserable and it feels like something is slowly dying inside of me, I can’t help but see it.
Their happiness. All of them are so fucking happy.
And I resent them for it. A few years ago, when most of these guys were still single and I was the one in a relationship and smug in the knowledge that I had a girl who loved me…
I was on top of the world.
Look how far and hard the mighty have fallen.
Because I’m so far from happy…
We eat more donuts—well, I don’t. My appetite has been for shit since May. I work out constantly too. I’m in the best physical condition I’ve ever been in my life. I’m cut, I have an eight pack, I can run fast as a motherfucker because I’m that much lighter, despite the muscle mass I’ve gained. I’m on fire on the field, and so is the rest of the team. We’re predicted to have a great season, and I believe we will.
But it don’t mean shit. Not if I don’t have my girl by my side.
Once all the donuts have been polished off and Tony and Diego have left, Caleb and I clean up the kitchen, me dumping out the leftover coffee in the to-go cups and Caleb wiping all the crumbs off our tiny kitchen table.
“Has Gracie talked to Ava?” I ask as casually as I can muster.
Caleb finishes cleaning the table and then walks over to the sink, nudging me out of the way so he can run water over the rag he was just using, strangely quiet.
It’s like he’s trying to come up with something first.
“Yeah,” he finally says. “But I don’t know if I can tell you about it.”
I’m frowning. Hard. “What do you mean by that?”
“They’re friends and Gracie has been there for Ava, just like I’ve been there for you. Let’s just leave it at that,” Caleb says mysteriously.
Huh. Look at Caleb keeping his mouth shut. This is big for him.
Of course, Gracie and Ava are talking. I should’ve known. A few years ago, Ellie and Ava both viewed Hayden and Gracie as their sort of big sisters to go to for advice. They would have girls’ nights over at Hayden and Gracie’s apartment. Jocelyn would be there too. They’d probably cackle and put together voodoo spells on us guys to get us to do what they wanted.
Or maybe not. Shit, I don’t know what those girls were up to half the time. I was oblivious. Confident my girl would always want to be with me, just like I always wanted to be with her. Yeah, we had some conflict over the years, especially once she went away to college in San Diego. And yeah, shit got tough sometimes when she was gone. But we were going to make it. Together forever.
Months after we split, and it still hurts so damn bad, I can barely stand it.
“Is she coming to the ceremony tonight?” I ask Caleb.
“Who? Ava?” He shrugs. “I don’t know if she’s home yet.”
“Shouldn’t she be? Wouldn’t she be in school right now?” We’ve been in school since late August and it’s almost the end of September. SDSU follows a similar schedule.
“From what I understand, her study abroad program went past the beginning of the school year. To the point that she won’t be at San Diego State for the fall semester. She’ll start back up in the spring,” Caleb explains, clamping his lips shut when he realizes he’s probably said too much. “Someone mentioned that to me.”
“Who?”
“I don’t
know.” He shrugs, but I’m sure he means Gracie.
But I don’t call him out on it. They all tread carefully around me, as if they’re afraid I’ll lash out if they say the wrong thing. Which I totally would, I can’t deny it.
“The Callahans will be there tonight,” I say morosely. “Not Jake, since he has a game, but the rest of them will be.”
And I don’t want to see them.
The words hang unspoken in the room. I know Caleb gets what I’m thinking. I can see it on his face. If Ava really is back from Europe and not even enrolled this semester, then I’d bet she’s around. Maybe she’s holed up with Mommy and Daddy until the end of the year? Or is she back in San Diego having the time of her life?
Too many questions and what ifs and no one will give me an answer. I’d guess most of them don’t actually know. The only way I could find out every bit of information is if I spoke to Ava herself. But that’s the last thing I want to do.
She left me, just like everyone else important in my life does. My parents. My brother. Hell, even some of my close friends. I thought Ava was the one person who would never do that to me, but even she let me down.
I need to forget her. Banish her from my life. She made her choice, and the longer I’ve gone without talking to her or seeing her, the easier it gets.
Somewhat.
Damn, I fucked everything up. But too late now. I’m sure she hates me. But I couldn’t take the idea of her just leaving me without discussing it first. I overreacted. Instead of being rejected by the one person who means the most to me, I rejected her first. I thought by doing that, I wouldn’t get hurt.
Big mistake. I’m still hurting.
“Yeah. They will be.” That’s all Caleb says.
“I don’t want to talk to them.” Actually, I’m dying to talk to them, but I can’t admit that.
“I doubt they really want to talk to you either.”
Ouch. That was a fuckin’ zinger. I rub at my chest, trying to ease the ache there. “Good. Guess we’re all on mutual terms then.”
“Look, Eli. You don’t have to act like a tough guy for my benefit. I know you’re suffering. I know you miss Ava, and I get it. I’d miss the shit out of her too if I were you.” He leans forward, his gaze imploring. “You might be able to fix this. You could probably talk to her and work it out. I doubt she’s over you.”
I watch him, my gaze roving over his face, looking for any clue that he might know more than what he’s saying. “Have you talked to her?”
Caleb slowly shakes his head.
“Heard it come straight out of her mouth that she misses me and wants me back?”
Another headshake.
No.
“Then I ain’t saying shit to her.” I rise to my feet, running my fingers through my hair once. Twice. A couple more times, tugging on the ends so hard it hurts. At least I’m feeling something. “Please tell me there’s a party after the game tonight.”
“Probably,” Caleb says with a shrug. “Why?”
He used to live for parties. He was the good-time guy of our friend group. You couldn’t take anything he did or said seriously. I used to be that kind of guy too, until I fell completely in love with Ava.
And then she moved away to go to college, and I started to feel bitter.
Resentful.
Pissed at myself for feeling that way.
Under pressure because the weight of this football team seems to settle on my shoulders. If we mess up or lose, I immediately think it’s my fault. Even when I know it’s not. But I’m their quarterback, their leader, and they all look up to me. I don’t want to let them down, especially since this is my last season.
Plus, there’s school. Grades. I’m struggling, trying to juggle it all, but all I can give is my best. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m going to do when college is over. I thought I had a plan, but it’s been ruined thanks to my impulsive actions.
Then there’s my family life, which is a joke. My dad isn’t around. My mom is flighty. My brother, as usual, is off doing his own thing and leaving it all on me.
“I need to get fucked up.” Fucked up so I can forget…
Everything.
Two
ava
“You have to look your absolute best tonight.” Autumn is currently in my closet, going through my clothes meticulously. “Like, knock him on his ass, make him regret every single decision he’s ever made in his life, hot.”
“I don’t want to look hot,” I mutter, exiting my closet and flopping backward onto my bed so I can stare up at the ceiling. I’ll let Autumn pick out something for me to wear. I’m over it. “I’d rather not go at all. I’m only doing this for Ash. And you.”
“He appreciates the support. So do I.” Autumn pops her head out of my walk-in closet, contemplating me. “Since his family isn’t around, we’re all he’s got.”
She disappears into my closet once more and I close my eyes with a sigh. She doesn’t need to remind me about her fiancé’s crappy family. That is truly the only reason I’m going—to support him. Though the entire crowd filling the stadium later tonight will be eager to support him as well.
Asher Davis is the hottest quarterback alive in the NFL. He took his team all the way to the Super Bowl his first season—and freaking won. He’s amazing. Everyone wants a piece of him. He’s fielding a variety of endorsements, and he and Autumn are engaged. The rock on her finger is huge and heavy. I know, because I’ve tried it on a couple of times, imagining what it would be like if Eli gave me a diamond like that.
The memory tastes bitter in my mouth and I swallow hard.
There will never be any diamonds from Eli for me.
“I forgot you owned this.” Autumn exits my closet with a Fresno State T-shirt on a hanger. It’s red with the bulldog mascot on the front. Cropped. Cute. “I found it stashed in the back of your closet.”
More memories flood me. The last time I wore that shirt, I took Eli to a Bulldog game with the rest of my family. That was his trial by fire, hanging out with all of us for the first time, right when we initially got back together. He came over to the house before the game when no one was home and…
We had sex in my room. Make-up sex, considering we’d had a huge blow-up only a week or two before and things were bad between us.
I’d been so happy that day, confident Eli was back in my life. In the beginning, it was a struggle, and we kept everything a secret, which he didn’t like. I didn’t either, but felt it was necessary at the time. My brother hated him. My family didn’t necessarily approve. Eli went to our rival high school. My friends thought I was crazy for wanting him. Back then, I wondered if I was a little crazy too.
My heart pangs at the past memories running through my mind. I miss him.
Then I remember what he said to me during our last conversation, and my heart hardens over its original shattered shell. I’m mad at him all over again.
Actually, I’m furious.
“I’ll wear it.” I sit up and snatch the shirt out of Autumn’s hand, startling her, especially when the hanger clatters to the floor. “Maybe you could do my makeup?”
Autumn watches me ball the T-shirt up, clutching it in my fingers. “Of course. And I’m thinking you should dress up a little more. I’m wearing a red dress.”
“I’m sure I have something more appropriate then.” I hurl the T-shirt toward a nearby chair, throwing it with extra force. “He better not talk to me. He better not even look in my direction.”
Actually, I will be devastated if he doesn’t even bother to look my way. That’ll hurt, more than I can bear.
I hate how conflicted he makes me feel. I despise him; I love him. I don’t want to see him; I’m dying to get just one look at his handsome face. I want to punch him in the nuts; I want to hug him close and feel his arms come around me.
Throwing myself back on the bed, I continue staring at the ceiling, watching the fan turn lazily above me. Autumn is back in my closet, but I sort of wish she�
�d leave. She’s been such a supportive sister since this all happened. She even came and visited me in Spain over the summer, and we wandered all over the city, checking out the sights and taking lots of photos while eating delicious food.
The entire experience was amazing. A once in a lifetime trip, studying international business, becoming a better Spanish speaker, and learning the ways of another country’s culture. I made new friends. Saw new things. Being in Spain was a great distraction from my breakup. If I’d been at home, it would’ve been so much worse.
But if I’d been at home, Eli and I never would’ve broken up. We’d still be together.
A sigh leaves me.
I can’t win.
“Oh, Ava, I love your dress. Is it new?”
I stop at the foot of the stairs, mustering up a smile for my mother. She’s watching me carefully, much like she has been since I arrived back home a week ago. As if she’s looking for a sign that I’m going to have a psychotic break.
“It’s new.” I glance down at the navy dress I bought right before I left for Spain. “I got it at Shein.”
“Love that site.” Autumn appears out of nowhere, offering me a bright smile. “Are we ready to go?”
“I don’t know where your brother and dad are,” Mom says as she wanders off toward the kitchen. “Drew? Where are you?”
Autumn rolls her eyes. “We need to go soon. I don’t want to be late.”
“Let’s drive to the stadium in your car,” I suggest. “I don’t even think Beck is out of the shower yet.”
Autumn makes a face. Teenaged boys taking too long in the shower is nothing new. We lived with Jake, after all.
“Mom, we’re leaving,” Autumn calls as she starts for the front door. I follow after her. “Lock up after us!”
“Wait!” We both stop when Mom practically runs back into the foyer. “I thought we’d all go down together as a family. I assume you’ll want to take off with Ash after the game, right?”
The Senior (College Years Book 4) Page 2
