Autumn and I share a look. She will totally want to leave with Ash. “I’ll drive Autumn’s car,” I offer.
“You sure you’ll be up to driving?” Mom asks me, her brows drawn together.
I’m frowning too. “What do you mean? I’ll be fine.”
“Well, you’ll see…you know who tonight.”
An exasperated sigh leaves me. “I can handle seeing Eli, Mom. Not like we’re going to talk to each other.”
Mom and Autumn share a look. One I don’t bother trying to decipher.
“Come on,” I say to my sister, nudging her out of the way so I can walk out the front door before her. “Let’s go.”
Autumn follows after me, and we both climb into her Mercedes SUV, taking off without saying much. I keep my hands clutched together in my lap, my mind running through the infinite possibilities of what might happen between Eli and me if we get a chance to talk after the game.
“Mom’s just worried about you,” Autumn says, as if she needs to fill up the silence. “She thinks you’re not over Eli.”
I consider what she said for a few seconds. “I’m not.”
Autumn sends me a quick startled glance. “You should hate him.”
“I sort of do,” I admit. “But I still love him, Autumn. We didn’t have any closure. He just—broke up with me over the phone and that was it.”
“He’s such a dick,” she mutters under her breath, but I don’t acknowledge her, or agree with her either.
Because yes, Eli Bennett is a complete dick.
But he’s also the love of my life. I can’t stop thinking about him.
No matter what I do, or where I’m at, he’s there. Lingering in the back of my mind, reminding me of what we once had.
And what we’ve now lost.
“He doesn’t deserve your love,” Autumn says, her voice stronger. “How he broke up with you was so…awful.”
“My leaving him felt like a betrayal,” I say, trying to understand where he was coming from. If anyone knows how he thinks, it’s me. I’ve been pretty much it for him over these last few years. “In his eyes, I did him wrong.”
“Complete nonsense.”
“Not to him.”
“Why are you defending him?”
“I don’t know,” I say with a shrug, staring out the window at the scenery passing by. “I’m trying to understand why he reacts the way he does.”
“So you’re trying to understand how an asshole behaves?” Autumn retorts. “Don’t bother. We can never understand them.”
“Hasn’t Ash ever done something that’s infuriated you? You guys argue, I know you do,” I say, wanting her to admit that her relationship isn’t perfect. No matter how good it looks to everyone else.
I know my sister. She can be argumentative. We used to have some big fights when we were younger.
“We do, sometimes. It’s better lately. I think we appreciate each other more and make our time together count, since we’re apart a lot,” Autumn says.
“Eli and I used to do the same thing. Until I left him,” I say morosely.
“Please. You temporarily left for an opportunity you couldn’t pass up. What if he got an opportunity like yours? What if he got the chance to do something football-related for the summer that would entail him leaving for three months? You would’ve supported him, no questions asked,” she says.
“I don’t know what I would’ve done,” I say, because it’s the truth. It’s easy for me to say that yes, I totally would’ve supported him, but maybe I would’ve been mad. We would’ve argued. I could’ve asked him to choose football or me, right?
I frown. Maybe not. Football is important to him. I would never make him choose. I would’ve made it work, no matter what.
And that’s what fuels me for the rest of the drive down to Fresno. Knowing that I would’ve supported him no matter what, while he’s over there making rash decisions and deciding my fate for me.
He’s always been impulsive. Emotional. He says things he doesn’t mean, and sometimes, those things are hurtful.
Like what he said to me on the phone the last time we spoke. I don’t know if we’ll ever come back from that.
The more time that passes, the more I’m not sure if I want to come back from it. Maybe we’re just done.
For good.
Three
Eli
We stand in a line on the field on the home side with our helmets off and our attention focused on dead center of the fifty-yard line, where our coaches are currently standing, our head coach singing the praises of Asher Davis to the crowd, even though he didn’t actually coach him during his time here. Drew Callahan stands next to him, tall and proud as he surveys the sold-out stadium. Only a few minutes ago, he offered up a short speech that was full of praise for Ash, and I can’t help but wonder if he has any nice things to say about me.
Probably not.
The crowd is cheering like they can’t help themselves, even though Coach is talking, and I wonder what that’s like, to have the adoration of so many damn people.
This crowd likes me, but I haven’t fully proven myself to them yet, though I’m trying my hardest. I’m having a decent season so far, but I don’t want to get too confident. Last season was a shit show of embarrassment. I still can’t believe how badly I played.
This season, I’m on top of it. More focused. Angrier when I get on the field, determined not to lose.
Coach thinks the anger is fueling me, and he keeps asking me what the hell I’m so pissed off over, but then he tells me he doesn’t want to know. He just wants me mad for the whole season.
What the fuck ever. I’m just trying to get through each game in one piece. I can’t afford to lose. This is my last year on this team. I want to go out in a blaze of glory. I’m not going to break records or win awards or even get picked up by a professional team, but damn it, I’m going to bring our team victory as many times as I can, as much as I can control it.
If I don’t, I’ll feel like a total failure, and I can’t have that. I’ve failed enough these last three years with the team.
I need to end my college football career on an all-time high.
“…and now everyone, please put your hands together for the NFL’s reigning Super Bowl champion quarterback and former Fresno State Bulldog, Asher Davis!” the MC announces.
The crowd goes wild, the sound of people cheering and screaming deafening. The rest of the team and I clap politely, a couple of the guys cupping their hands around their mouths and shouting their support. One of them is Caleb.
Of course. That guy can’t keep his mouth shut.
My gaze settles on the center of the field, where the entire Callahan clan is heading toward the fifty-yard line, Ash leading the way with Autumn right by his side. She’s gazing up at him as if he created the world and he’s beaming at the crowd, lifting his arm in greeting. The moment he waves, the crowd roars louder, and Autumn throws her head back and laughs.
You’d think seeing her would remind me of Ava, which she is does. But only in passing. The two sisters don’t look much alike. Ava is taller. Thinner. More flat-chested and blonde to Autumn’s brunette. Both pretty, but to me…
Ava is beautiful.
I brace myself, catching a glimpse of blonde hair. The swing of a blue skirt. She’s in a dress. Of course she is. They’re all dolled up in honor of good ol’ Ash. Beck is in between Ava and their mom, towering over the rest of them, gazing around the stadium with an awestruck look on his face.
I miss that kid.
When Ava finally comes into view, I’m not prepared for the avalanche of emotion that slams into me. She looks the same.
Yet different.
Wearing a dark blue, short-sleeved dress that cinches in at her waist, the ruffled hem flaring mid-thigh. Her skin is golden, remnants of spending plenty of time in the sun over the summer. Her hair falls down her back in subtle waves, and when I finally allow myself to study her face, I can tell she’s nervous.
I’m fucking nervous too.
Why, I don’t know. Not like I’m going to talk to her tonight. Not like I’m going to have a conversation with her family either. They hate me, I’m sure of it. Even Beck probably does. Thank God Jake isn’t here tonight. He’d probably try to smash my face in.
An agitated growl leaves me and Tony, who’s standing next to me, does a double-take.
“You look ready to chew through steel,” he mutters.
I flex my hands when I realize my fingers are curled into fists. “This sucks.”
“It’s almost over,” he reassures me.
It won’t finish fast enough for my satisfaction.
Watching this dog and pony show in celebration of retiring Ash’s uniform number is pure torture. Witnessing the family that I used to consider myself part of gather around Ash as they hand him a glass-framed Fresno State jersey with his number and name on the back of it is killing me slowly.
I should be with them, congratulating Ash, standing among the Callahans. Ava by my side and her father going on about how proud he is of all the men in his life. Beck looking up to Ash and me.
Oh yeah, and Jake too, I guess.
My mind starts to wonder. I’m bored. Anxious. Frustrated as shit. Ready to be done with this so the game can start. I glance around the field, up at the stands, smiling faintly when I see a group of girls wearing matching Bulldog T-shirts and holding up a giant sign that says, “You’re our #1 Eli!” The words are surrounded by vivid red hearts.
Maybe that’s what I should be focusing on. Other girls. Women. I’ve fucked the same girl for years. I could try and sample something new and different.
Disgust rolls through me. What a shitty thing to think. I don’t want someone new and different.
Not at all.
“Your groupies,” Tony says, his gaze zeroed in on them too.
“They’re cute,” I tell him.
He snorts.
Asshole.
My gaze skitters past the cluster of Callahans, who are now taking photos with Ash, the family surrounding him on all sides. I stop on Ava when I realize she’s staring right at me.
She doesn’t look away.
Neither do I.
I clench my jaw tighter, my entire expression hardening, I can feel it. I narrow my eyes at her, wanting her to see my anger. My frustration with her. With everyone.
She abandoned me. Just like everyone else does. My mom’s gotten better, but she’s still flighty. Dad and Ryan could give a shit about me most of the time, though Ryan’s busy. I get it.
Not really, but I try to be understanding.
All I’ve got are my friends, and at one point, I thought I had my girl.
Ava proved me wrong.
And she currently won’t stop looking at me.
I tear my gaze from hers first, focusing on the words the announcer is saying. We’re about to start the game. The photos with Ash are almost over, thank the good lord Jesus. The team surges forward, crowding around me and I realize—not for the first time—that I’m their leader. They look up to me. They need me to show them what we’re going to do next.
My eyes find Ava again and she’s still watching me, her lips curved in a barely there smile that gives me the first real glimmer of hope that I’ve felt in months.
But it’s complete bullshit. I have to remind myself of that before I become lost in that pretty smile.
I glance to my left. Then to my right, pretending she might be smiling at someone else. But, of course, I know she’s smiling at me.
I send her a what the fuck are you doing look and she frowns.
Gives me the finger. Subtly.
I almost want to laugh. This girl…fuck.
I miss her.
So damn bad.
I give her the finger in return and her expression turns cool as she walks away with an extra flounce in her step. Her dress hem flirts with the back of her thighs and I watch her go, hoping to catch a glimpse of an ass cheek.
I couldn’t be so lucky.
“What the fuck, Bennett?” Someone shoves me from behind and I whirl around to see Diego standing there, a defiant expression on his face.
I frown at him. “What’s your problem?”
“I thought you two were broken up.” When my frown deepens, he makes an exasperated noise. “You and Ava.”
“We are.”
“I saw the way you two were just looking at each other.”
“She gave me the finger.”
“Yeah, I don’t think she was saying fuck you. More like she was meaning, fuck me.” He starts to laugh just as Caleb approaches with a giant grin on his face, his hand already up and ready for a high five.
Diego gives him one, the two grinning idiots turning their focus on me while I glare at them.
“Don’t talk about her like that,” I say with a scowl.
“Like what?” Diego’s expression turns innocent. “Don’t like me knocking on your ex? I thought you were pissed at her.”
“I don’t like you talking about Ava in any way,” I say between clenched teeth, my blood running hot.
Diego shakes his head. “You are unbelievable. I was only giving you shit because I could see just how bad you still want her. Why don’t you talk to her after the game? I’m sure they’re going to stick around and watch.”
“Why the hell would they do that? They’re here for Ash and no one else,” I say, hating how bitter I sound.
“A little birdy told me Ava is staying for the entire game. She’s sitting with a bunch of other little birdies.” When I don’t say anything, Diego sighs. “Jocelyn told me Ava is sitting with the rest of the girls and they’re going to watch us play.”
Just like old times.
“I don’t even know what I would say to her if we did talk.” I shake my head. “We’re done.”
“Oh come on, Eli. You’re acting like a damn baby,” Caleb says, taking a step back when I turn my scowling face in his direction. He holds his hands up in front of him. “Whoa. Settle down. I’m not coming for you. I’ve been there for you since all this shit went down.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I mutter, annoyed that he’s right. I’d rather focus my anger and hatred on other people, like these two dickwads.
And not myself.
Four
Ava
“We’re having a little get-together after the game,” Hayden tells me, her expression unsure. “And…we want you to come.”
I glance over at Jocelyn and Gracie, who are both nodding enthusiastically, their eyes bright.
“Will Eli be there?” I ask warily. One part of me hopes the answer is yes. The other part hopes it’s a big fat no.
I can’t face him.
I don’t want to talk to him.
His intensity actually…scares me. And I’ve never thought that about Eli before.
Ever.
Out on the field earlier, before the game started, I couldn’t stop staring at him. At first, he didn’t even bother looking in my direction. Just stared straight ahead, his expression like stone. His jaw hard and his eyes glittering with an unfamiliar emotion. The longer I stared at his handsome face, the more I ached to go to him. Though one thing did stop me.
The anger in his expression. In his stance.
More than anything, he looked pissed. Super pissed.
Probably at me.
Hayden grimaces. “Probably?”
My answer is immediate.
“Then no.”
“Oh come on, Ava! We haven’t seen you in months,” Gracie says, leaning forward to lightly touch my arm. “We need to catch up. I want to hear more about Spain.”
“Well, I’m home until January, so we have plenty of time to catch up.” I smile sweetly at all of them, and Jocelyn actually groans.
“This is ridiculous,” she says, shaking her head. “Can’t you two just let go of what happ
ened and…make up?”
“Absolutely not,” I say firmly, remembering the dirty look he gave me when we finally did make eye contact out on the field. Unable to help myself, I flipped him off.
And then he did the same.
Such a jerk.
Worse? That dirty look he gave me had been kind of…
Sexy.
Okay fine, really sexy. Which is stupid because I’m mad at him and hurt. I feel betrayed by what he did, yet I find him sexy.
Talk about conflicted.
But there’s something about Eli right now that seems a little rough around the edges. He looks older. Bigger, if that’s possible. Madder, which makes sense, since I’m feeling the same emotion. His hair was already mussed up and, even from a distance, I could tell there was scruff on his face, like he hasn’t shaved in a couple of days. My baby-faced boyfriend has somehow turned into a full-fledged man over the last few months and just thinking about it leaves me feeling hot and flustered.
“What if he apologized to you?” Gracie asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
I study her, this woman who has become such a close friend in a short amount of time. We texted over the entire summer. We even FaceTimed when I got the chance and we coordinated our schedules. She means a lot to me, but I know she was there for Eli too.
And I don’t mind that. He needed someone to listen to him. To give him advice. From the bits and pieces she told me whenever he came up in conversation, I got the sense that she was doing exactly that. Giving him advice. Listening to him.
She would never tell me much, though. I have no idea if he’s moved on. If he’s found someone else. Or multiple someone else’s. I thought about it while in Spain. I was in a different country, all alone, where no one else knew me. Who’d ever discover that I hooked up with a cute Spanish boy?
No one.
But it never happened. I could barely flirt with any guy, let alone allow one to touch me.
“He will never apologize to me,” I finally answer, my voice soft.
“How can you be so sure?” Gracie frowns.
The Senior (College Years Book 4) Page 3
