A Little Sugar, A Lot of Love: With cupcakes, coffee and karma

by Halton, Linn B

  We’ve connected, or rather, I’ve connected with her. There’s a definite spark going on and when I’m talking to her, frankly, I find it hard to walk away. Just the thought of her is enough to make me smile, no matter where I am, or what’s going on.

  What would a woman like Katie be looking for to make her happy? A guy who treats her well and supports her passion? A guy who can meet that passion, with his own? I’m not thinking about sex at all here, only zest for life. Then that familiar old sensation stirs in the pit of my stomach. I imagine how it would feel to have Katie’s hand on my skin, or to be able to run my fingers through her hair.

  Damn it! I need to stop adding complications to my life and think about solutions. Katie isn’t looking for a new relationship; she’s simply trying to work through a few problems. Not once has she indicated she’s ready to walk away from her current situation. Clearly she doesn’t think of me in quite the same way and I know I can hardly be described as a catch. Too much baggage, I suppose.

  Now I have to look to the future. The one thing I can do for Grandma Grace is to be strong. To show her that now is the time she must think only of herself and enjoy what time she has left. Please God, when the end does come, let it be gentle and swift. She deserves that at the very least, for all the goodness she’s brought into so many people’s lives over the years. My task now is to make her proud and show her that she didn’t raise a man who is afraid to live. From here on in, the guilt and self-doubt stops. I’m in pursuit of happiness, and a woman I can love, who will also love Lily as much as I do.

  ‘Sorry, I meant to pop in earlier for a chat. It’s been one of those days. Good trip?’ Charlotte steps inside as I hold the door open for her.

  ‘Yes, and not really. Coffee?’

  ‘Have you anything stronger?’ Charlotte inclines her head towards the half bottle of red wine sitting on the shelf.

  ‘Good idea, I’ll grab a couple of glasses. Come on through.’

  She follows me into the sitting room, dropping down onto the sofa on the far side of the coffee table.

  ‘I’m shattered.’ She slips off her shoes, curling her feet up beneath her. ‘Do you mind?’

  ‘Be my guest. And thanks for looking after Lily at such short notice. Kelly couldn’t get any time off work and while she is prepared to be a little flexible on the custody arrangements, I don’t want to find myself back in court fighting to retain equal rights. It would be just the excuse she was looking for.’

  ‘It wasn’t a problem. Emily and I love having Lily to stay and Max was away, again. How is Grace?’

  ‘It wasn’t the best of visits, but it was necessary. She’s not well at all. This morning I arranged for a domestic assistant to go in every day for two hours. They’ll help with cleaning the house and preparing her meals. It’s a bit of a relief, if I’m honest.’

  ‘Poor you, it can’t be easy sorting this out on your own.’

  I hand her a glass and she raises it in a toast.

  ‘To happier days.’

  ‘Funny you should say that, but I’d come to the same conclusion myself. It’s time to move on and let go of the past.’

  ‘Have I missed something? You’ve only been away a few days and you come back a new man. You haven’t met someone, have you? Or maybe you just happened to bump into Katie again.’ Her eyes sparkle, mischievously.

  ‘Unfortunately for me, she happens to be in a rather complicated, long-term relationship. It’s a lost cause, but I admit it was nice having that feeling again. You know; something that reminds you that you’re alive and kicking, more than just a dad!’

  I raise my glass back at her and she chuckles.

  ‘You’re sure there’s no hope? That day at the party I’m pretty sure there was a hint of flirtation in the air.’

  ‘Absolutely. She’s a lady who is passionate about things – her business and her personal life. She cares enough to get everything back on track.’ And thinking about her makes me want to head straight back there, but instead I flash Charlotte a wry smile.

  ‘Shame about that. I thought you two looked really good together and she was brilliant with Lily.’ Charlotte lowers her voice in case Lily is still awake. ‘However, what do you think about a blind date? I have the perfect someone in mind for you.’

  Settling back in the chair, I ease myself into a more relaxed position.

  ‘I’m a bit rusty, but what the heck. She isn’t a man-eater, is she?’ I add, thinking that most of Charlotte’s friends are like Kelly. Women who know what they want and aren’t afraid to take it.

  ‘I think you’ll be surprised. Pleasantly, I hope. How about Saturday night? I’ll babysit Lily, or maybe she can come for a sleepover. That way you’ll have a little space, if you want it, that is.’

  Charlotte flashes me a look I don’t care to interpret and adds a wink.

  ‘I think whatever I do next I’m going to be taking it slowly. As long as that’s understood by all parties, that’s fine. Now all I need is a little guidance. What on earth do guys talk about on first dates, nowadays?’

  ‘Really? You’re nervous about getting yourself out there again?’

  The thought of meeting someone in an arranged way fills me with dread. I’m going to make myself go through with this to please Grandma Grace and to prove something to myself.

  ‘I don’t exactly lead an exciting life, do I? It’s Lily and work, work and Lily; and then there’s Grandma Grace. I’m out of touch with just about everything at the moment, except boy bands, of course.’

  Charlotte laughs, shaking her head in dismay.

  ‘Don’t worry. I’ll explain that you’re rusty and need to be handled with care. Leonie doesn’t come with any baggage, fortunately. She’s a career lady, but looking for someone special. It’ll be like a job interview, knowing her. She’ll check you out before she even considers thinking about any emotional attachment. I think that’s exactly what you need at the moment. Two people prepared to be both cautious and realistic, before getting pulled into anything. That’s not to say she’s averse to a little adult fun, of course.’

  That thought is rather intimidating.

  ‘I’m afraid I’m a little rusty in that department, too,’ I admit, sadly.

  ‘Well, maybe that’s all about to change.’ Her glance is loaded and I find myself blushing. This isn’t going to be easy. I can only hope it doesn’t turn out to be a huge mistake.

  Katie

  The Cold Light of Day

  ‘What’s up?’ Hazel stabs her fork into the bowl of pasta in front of her. ‘It must be serious for you to suggest coming here.’

  I glance around, the pizzeria is half-empty on this grey, wintry evening.

  ‘I’ve moved out.’

  She looks up at me, mouth open. ‘You’ve left Steve?’

  ‘We finally had the talk. It was way overdue. To be honest, he didn’t take it quite as badly as I’d feared. At first he said he still loved me and then he admitted things were going from bad to worse. That’s why he’s been so moody. It was a relief.’

  ‘Where are you staying? Why didn’t you come to stay with Jenny and me?’ Hazel puts down her fork, her concern pulling forth a host of questions.

  ‘Look, I’m fine. I’ve rented a furnished house on a short lease. I used the van to move most of my stuff out last night. Once the decision was made I wanted to act quickly.’

  She looks dumbstruck.

  ‘Is this to do with Adam?’

  I roll my eyes. ‘This has nothing at all to do with Adam. I will admit I do like him. There’s no point in pretending he finds me the least bit attractive, because I’ve nothing upon which to base that theory. It would have reared its head by now. No, this is about facing up to the truth. There’s a lot you don’t know about what Steve went through when he was ill. Things I can’t go into, but he isn’t a bully. I can appreciate why you might think that, but you have to trust me on this one. You see, a part of it is my fault. I’ve avoided dealing with the issues because I
felt he wasn’t strong enough to cope with it. I guess I fell out of love with him a long time ago. I truly believe that a significant part of his anger is due to the fact that he couldn’t bring himself to let go.’

  Hazel shifts uncomfortably in her chair.

  ‘He knew, all right.’ She looks up at me, an anxious expression on her face.

  ‘How do you know that?’

  ‘Because …’ she pauses and I steel myself for something unpleasant. ‘Because he slept with someone else. And it was before he knew he was sick.’

  Now it’s my turn to sit here, mouth open.

  ‘Are you sure? How could I not know this? Why haven’t you said anything before?’ It doesn’t make any sense. She must be wrong.

  ‘I know the woman involved. Steve is aware I saw them together once, but he doesn’t realise she’s one of Jenny’s work colleagues. Shortly afterwards he was diagnosed and everything went haywire. Look, Katie, every time I’ve tried to have a meaningful chat with you about Steve, you’ve made it clear it’s not a subject for discussion. You couldn’t even share the things you were going through when you were supporting him. If I try to raise something about the way he treats you now, all you do is make excuses for him. I sort of thought you knew, to be honest, and had decided it was one of those things.’

  I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. Everything we went through, all of that angst he expressed over not being able to have a baby … when any love he had for me had already been betrayed. He wasn’t in love with me; I was merely a crutch, a lifeline.

  ‘So, what happens now?’ Hazel looks up sadly.

  ‘Steve will buy my share of the house from me. I’ll need the funds to find a permanent base at some point in the near future. Unfortunately, I can’t use the money to repay the loan he made for the extension. That’s why I wanted to talk to you tonight. Steve is taking over the management side of the business. I’m going back into the kitchen, permanently. I’ll be developing new product lines and running cake decorating courses.’

  You could cut the silence with a knife.

  ‘I can’t believe you’re saying this! It will never work.’ She slams the table and I cast a glance around the room as a few pairs of eyes turn in our direction.

  ‘I have no choice,’ I reply, between gritted teeth. ‘Do you think I’m happy about Steve calling the shots? Without a spare fifty thousand pounds in my pocket, I have to suck it up and accept that this is the quickest way of repaying that debt.’

  ‘What happens after that?’ Her expression is one of utter disappointment. She’s gutted.

  ‘He walks away and I’ll be back in full control.’

  ‘Ha,’ her tone is full of sarcasm. ‘Mr Nice Guy walks away. What’s the catch?’

  I look down, nervously, not wanting to share the details of the deal I had no choice in accepting.

  ‘In return for converting the money I owe him into a non-interest bearing loan, and to repay him for the time he’s going to be putting in, I’m signing over forty per cent of the business to him.’

  ‘He’s screwed you, Katie. You’re a fool. He’s steering the business where he wants it to go and it’s already too late. When you try to take back control you’ll soon find out you can’t run it without him. Mark my words, this is a big mistake.’

  Tears of frustration fill my eyes and the look of disappointment on Hazel’s face is hard to bear. I have never felt like a bigger failure, but it is what it is and we all have to move on.

  ‘The rat,’ Hazel spits out in anger.

  ‘Maybe, but I’m free. I’ll be where I’m happiest, in the kitchen. Please, Hazel, be happy for me and accept that at least everyone still has a secure job. Steve has a good business head and he won’t let us down on that front. He has big plans for you.’

  ‘Yeah, I bet.’

  I have no idea why it’s so important to me that I talk Hazel into seeing the positive side of this situation. Maybe it’s because I hate the thought of her thinking badly of me. I suppose I’m afraid of being judged and found to be lacking when it comes to having the strength to fight my cause. I did fight, and what she doesn’t know is that Steve asked me to marry him as the other option. A loveless marriage of convenience? I know hell when I see it coming.

  The Second Christmas

  Katie

  Is Unhappiness Catching?

  Things aren’t quite as bad as Hazel predicted. Steve works from home at least a couple of days a week and we quickly settle into the new way of working. Before long he takes on yet another lucrative contract, supplying a chain of wine bars. The bakery has to work flat out to keep up with the orders. There is a great deal of satisfaction all round from the feeling that business is booming.

  Steve doesn’t even try to become one of the team. However, I’m determined not to let it irk me, when it hits home that he sees himself as the boss. I’m happy doing what I love best and labouring over the design details of some beautiful cake creations. Plus I’m constantly looking for new and exciting flavours for our cupcakes, and that keeps me busy.

  All orders go through Steve, so it’s a surprise when I log into the system and see Adam’s name. He’s booked a Christmas cake for collection a week on Saturday. There’s a note alongside it, to the effect that the customer isn’t sure exactly what time he’ll be collecting it. The request is for something imaginative.

  It must be my Adam. I laugh. He isn’t exactly my Adam! A little thrill courses through me, until I realise that Steve has scheduled it as my day off. Hazel will probably be the one to serve him. The thrill is quickly replaced with a sense of sheer disappointment. Life sucks sometimes. Even if Adam was interested, which I doubt, there’s no way I can engineer changing my day off without it looking odd. Besides, whenever I see him I seem to find myself blurting out all manner of personal stuff. This latest development is beginning to feel like defeat. I seriously doubt he’d want to get involved with a loser.

  Anyway, by now he’s probably found some totally gorgeous woman who can’t wait to take on the role of step-mum to Lily, and who will worship the ground he walks upon. I find that particular line of thought more than a little depressing. What if he comes into the shop to order an engagement cake, or worse, a wedding cake!

  I allow myself a little daydream, as I roll out a large ball of pale blue icing and begin cutting out snowflake shapes. I imagine Adam stepping through the door, flowers in hand, and everyone’s eyes are on him. He walks up to me, a nervous look on his face as he begins speaking.

  ‘I give up! If this continues I might have to start looking at guys again!’ For a few seconds I’m totally confused. Then I realise Hazel is walking towards me, her voice booming out.

  ‘What’s up?’ I can see by the expression on her face she’s annoyed about something.

  ‘Jenny is having one of her hormonal rants. Of course I can’t say that to her face, she’d explode. Seriously, she needs to get a grip on herself, or I’m off. Know any available guys?’

  She’s purposely trying to inject a bit of humour, but I can see she’s totally fed up with the way things are going.

  ‘You don’t really mean that. Jenny will calm down and I know you love her to bits. The path of true love is never smooth.’ I arch an eyebrow, hoping to reinforce the serious tone in my voice. Hazel’s relationship has always been volatile, but it’s based on true love.

  ‘Yes, but it’s so frustrating at times. I’m a woman, so I know about the hormonal thing but in Jenny’s case it’s out of control. Jekyll and Hyde syndrome, if you ask me.’

  Hazel leans up against the counter, her arms crossed firmly across her chest.

  ‘Are you sure that’s what it is? It’s not to do with the fact that you are working extra hours here to help out, is it?’

  Hazel looks away, confirming that part of this is to do with being rushed off our feet in the run-up to Christmas. It can’t be easy for Jenny when Hazel goes home exhausted every night. I know how I feel at the end of each long day and all
I want to do is shower, eat, and jump into bed. Adam’s face flashes before my eyes and I stifle a laugh. I think it’s time to end my little daydream. Hazel turns back to look at me and I’m mortified to see she’s tearful.

  ‘Oh, honey, it will pass.’ I step forward to put my arms around her, trying hard not to get icing on her clean overall. She lowers her arms, allowing me to hug her gently for a few moments.

  ‘You two are good together, so please don’t do anything rash. If you can’t work late it’s not the end of the world. It’s different for me now; I don’t have anyone waiting for me at home, any more. Please, Hazel, don’t put your relationship at risk. We’ll cope, and if we can’t then Steve will have to take on some temporary help for a few weeks.’

  A look of relief passes over her face and I can see that conflicting loyalties have weighed heavily on her shoulders. Whatever decision she makes will mean someone she regards as family being let down. I should have considered the effect on Hazel’s home life, when Steve asked her to commit to the extra hours.

  My temporary home is comfortable and the landlord seems quite easy-going. I have the option of extending my tenancy on a monthly basis, after the initial three month period. Steve has now taken out a bigger mortgage, so that he can pay me my share of the equity in the house. He says he doesn’t intend moving, which I find odd. If I was in his position I would want to start again.

  With the money sitting in the bank, a thought crosses my mind that I could pay off his loan and then he’d be out of all of our lives. But that would take away my options for the future and I simply can’t take the risk. I have no idea what might happen next and now I have to look out for myself, as well as the business. Anyway, at the moment it’s all hypothetical, because I simply don’t have time to look for somewhere new to live. Renting is fine for a while, until I know what I want to do and the landlord is fully aware of my situation.

  Christmas looms and my parents have dropped huge hints about having me home with them for the holidays. I think they’re relishing the idea of a Steve-free Christmas.