Shaken

by Kariss Lynch

  “You jump here, and I’ll spin across stage here, and on eight we’ll meet back in center stage for the finale. Ready, Kayles?”

  “You sure this will work?”

  “Are you doubting our awesome skills? We are going to nail this recital. Best one yet.”

  “Okay, I’m ready.”

  “Five, six, seven, eight.”

  Kaylan leaped, calling on all her years of dance. She imagined herself as a gazelle, gracefully leaping over the African Serengeti. She landed on her feet and met Sarah Beth in center stage as the last strains of the song faded into silence.

  “We nailed it. I told you, Kayles.”

  They sprawled out on the floor, sweaty and proud. “Bubbles, how do you do it? How do you know everything is going to turn out okay all the time?”

  “I don’t.”

  “Sure you do. You are the most optimistic person I know. You don’t have that nickname just because of the bubbles incident in kindergarten. You embrace life. How do you do it?”

  Sarah Beth pushed up on her elbows, and Kaylan met eyes that sparkled. “I guess because I’ve learned to let go. You want to fix everything, Kayles, make it perfect. I know I can’t. No fear, no expectations. I just live life to the fullest. You bury what happens to you. I know God is big enough to take care of it for me. I trust Him.”

  “So do I.”

  “Don’t get defensive, Kayles. I know you do. I’m just trying to explain. I’ve learned that even shade is an indication of sunshine, and darkness is pierced by the reflection of daylight in the moon. God is good, Kayles. If I were to lose everything tomorrow, that sun is still present, just dimmer. I let go and let God be who He is. There is such freedom and joy in it.”

  The memory swirled to a sickening stop as Kaylan sank to the stage. Tears stung her eyes and spilled over her cheeks. “It’s not that easy. It’s not. Letting go of you means forgetting. I can’t do it.”

  Cracks broke through her fragile armor. “God, I can’t do this. Why did You take her? She trusted You. Loved You. Helped people. She was the best of us. Why not me?”

  She ran her hands over the scuff marks on the floor. That’s how she felt, scuffed up, less than perfect, a mockery of who she used to be. From a distance she looked like the stage, glowing, polished, pristine, but up close she was a marred image of what she had been.

  “Do You hear me, God? Did You hear me in Haiti? Do You still care? How do I do this?”

  “Remember when we first met. You’re my best friend. You always will be. Don’t cry. Don’t be mad, Kayles. Don’t be mad. I’m going to see Jesus. He’ll dance and laugh with me.” Her chest shook, and Kaylan strained to hear. “He’s life, Kayles. Even in this. Don’t be mad.”

  Sarah Beth’s last moments mingled with the mellow music. God was life. He was still good, even in this. Sarah Beth now danced with Jesus, whole, healthy, and as bubbly as ever.

  “Nothing makes me happier than helping people, Kayles. If I die doing this, life will end perfectly.” Sarah Beth’s words after a day working with the kids in Haiti rang through her mind. If her friend could be content with circumstances, not blaming God in her death, how could Kaylan do any less? But it was much easier said than done.

  She wrestled with the words. They bubbled from her heart, and she fought them back. The battle raged. The snake reared its head, but this time she denied it. She was tired of its venom. It was eating her alive.

  With a cry, words spilled from her mouth: “I can’t be mad at You anymore, Lord. I still don’t understand how You’re good in this. Sarah Beth could have done much more good, more than I ever can. I don’t see any hope. I’m angry, and hurt, but I can’t fix it. Sarah Beth knew how to let You heal. I can help bodies, but You heal what is broken. Jesus, I need help. Show me the way back. Show me how to trust. Show me the good in this.” Her voice cracked, and the plea came from the bottom of her heart. She wasn’t sure God would answer, but if He heard her, she needed this most of all. “Give me new hope.”

  A hand touched her shoulder, and Kaylan jerked backward.

  “Hey, babe.”

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  NICK HAD SEEN the fall. He’d seen the breakdown, the honest plea to God, and he’d sat in the back of the auditorium, praying her through. At the sight of her tears, he stood, needing to comfort her, but stopped in the middle of the aisle, riveted by the scene onstage. She was the picture of a broken woman asking for healing. The stage lights illuminated her. Absolutely breathtaking. The light highlighted the red in her wavy locks, and her tears looked like crystals pooling on the dance floor. When he could stand it no longer, he approached the stage.

  “Hey, babe.”

  His heart broke at the pain in her eyes and the desire for something to live for—purpose, hope, release. He’d need to thank Micah later for persuading him to come.

  “Nick, what are you doing here?” She swiped at her face, and he gingerly bent down and ran his thumb over her wet cheek.

  “I told you I’d come back. I just got a little banged up in the process.” He winced as he lowered to the floor next to her. “I’m okay, babe. Just had to take some time off and thought I would come see you.” The panic in her eyes slowly faded as he pulled her into his arms, careful to make sure his back could handle it but determined to hold her.

  “But . . . but you’re here. How long have you been here?”

  “Long enough to know that the Lord answers prayer in unusual ways.”

  Her body wilted against his. “I miss her, Nick.”

  “I know you do. You always will. But she would want you to remember her with laughter, not tears and anger. She’d be proud of you, you know.”

  “There’s not much to be proud of. I’m a mess.”

  “Never true.” He brushed the hair out of her eyes. “Your mom told me you’ve been helping with Haiti relief. Do you understand how much courage that takes? How much strength? Babe, I’m so proud of you.”

  “I’m not strong. Not like her. She had this innate strength and peace.”

  He cradled her face in his hands. “You are one of the strongest people I know, Kaylan Lee Richards. You know what she told me once? Sarah Beth said you had this quiet strength and loyalty that everyone sees but you are completely unaware of.” He rested his forehead on hers. “I see it in you every day I’m with you.”

  “Really?”

  “Absolutely.” He pulled her to her feet and swayed to the music, letting her tears soak his shirt. They were no longer tears of pain and bitterness. They were liquid healing.

  “Thank you for braving the aftershocks and bringing back my letters. You have no idea how much they’ve helped.”

  “I have something else for you too.” He let go of her and reached into his pocket. “Turn around.”

  A spark of playfulness returned to her eyes, and he realized how much he had missed it. He returned it. “You trust me?”

  “Who wouldn’t trust a SEAL? You came back, didn’t you?”

  “I’m touched you recognize my chivalry. Please, turn around?”

  She turned, and he slipped the chain with the lily on it around her slender neck and fastened the clasp.

  She gasped as her fingers brushed the trinket. “Nick, where did you find this? How? I thought I’d lost it.”

  “I found it in Rhonda’s house. It was covered in dust and rock chips. I had it cleaned.”

  She faced him as she studied the petals. “Impossible. I thought for sure it was gone for good.”

  “The metal’s strong, Kayles. It may have taken a beating and been lost, but nothing lost and bruised is ever without ability to find and repair.”

  “Thank you.”

  “My pleasure.”

  Pulling her into his arms, he twirled her around the stage, enjoying the closeness. It was a comfort after weeks in the jungle.

  “Did you know that white lilies are the epitome of everything intricate, beautiful, and pure? They stand for virtue. When the time is right, they ope
n for everyone to see. They are everything I admire about you.”

  “I think you may have given this to the wrong girl.”

  “No, I got the right girl this time. I couldn’t have picked someone more deserving. What do you say, Kayles? Wanna make it official? Be my girl.”

  “Nice of you to ask.”

  He chuckled. “I’m not sure I’m asking anymore.”

  “What you see is what you get, Nick. I have a long way to go. And what about the SEALs? I’m not sure I can handle not knowing where you are. Or what happens if I lose you too?” Her eyes widened, and Nick smoothed the wrinkles furrowing her brow.

  “One step at a time. You can handle it.”

  They rocked to the music, and slowly she relaxed in his arms.

  “Remember the last time we did this?”

  “How could I forget? You turned me down flat. Quite a blow to my pride.”

  She smiled and lowered her eyes, a blush highlighting the freckles around her nose.

  “What’s with the blush?”

  “Well, do you think we could try it again?”

  His body stilled, and he studied her eyes.

  “Are you sure?”

  Her palms grew slick, and her heart raced. Was she ready for this step in their relationship?

  “Nick, I told you I wanted this to be the way we said hello, but life changed everything. I can’t tell you I’m the girl you held months ago. She’s gone. But I do know that today I took the biggest step back to myself. For the first time in weeks, I want to find my way home. My head and heart have been in Haiti with my friend. But Sarah Beth prized life.” She brushed the hair from his forehead. “This is life, Nick.”

  He leaned close, his lips hovering over hers. “Welcome home, beautiful.” His lips touched hers, and for the first time in what felt like ages, she was present, her mind engaged in what could be instead of what had been. He explored, pulling her closer, his touch tender and passionate, saying all she had longed to hear. She wrapped her arms around his neck, swaying, lost in his strength and goodness. And in his arms, she felt treasured. Safe. Loved.

  She was finally home.

  Somehow, in that moment, a piece of her heart buried in the dust of Haiti found its way back to its origin, easing the wound like a salve. It was a piece of hope, of healing from the only One who could answer her prayers and bring them together.

  He pulled back slightly to look in her eyes, and she resisted the urge to touch her lips.

  “You never answered my question.”

  A soft laugh slipped out, the first time she had laughed in weeks, and she relished his responsive chuckle. “I would love to be your girl.”

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  SHE WAS TERRIFIED. Kaylan poured a cup of coffee and trudged to the sunroom, pulling her robe tighter around her. Her body was readjusting to waking before dawn. Tugging a blanket over her legs, she covered a yawn as she studied the subtle, rosy hues pouring over the tree line.

  He was taking Sarah Beth’s place, and it both terrified and thrilled her. She’d realized it after the kiss. Sarah Beth had been her best friend, a shoulder to cry on, a well of wisdom, someone with whom to laugh, someone with whom to walk through life. Sarah Beth couldn’t be replaced, but Nick was becoming equally if not more important in a shorter amount of time.

  “Morning, beautiful.”

  She nearly jumped from her skin. “Nick Carmichael, stop sneaking up on me.”

  “Sorry.” He placed a gentle kiss on her lips. “It’s my job to take the enemy by surprise and then leave without a trace.”

  It felt good to laugh. He left more than a trace. “I’m the enemy?”

  “When I can’t sleep because I’m thinking about you, and then I force myself out of bed after not sleeping so I can be with you, you are definitely the enemy.”

  “I didn’t do anything.”

  “I beg to differ. That kiss was far too memorable.”

  The kiss. She slipped her hand from his grip and hugged herself.

  “Something wrong?” His brow furrowed in confusion.

  “Not exactly.”

  “Well, why don’t you tell me what exactly is bothering you?”

  “I’m not sure I can.”

  “Try.”

  “I’m frightened.”

  “Good. If I don’t frighten the enemy, I’m dead.”

  The blood drained from her face, and her hands began to shake. “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that again.”

  “Kaylan, I’m sorry. I didn’t think about it.”

  He pulled her to him, and she rested her head across his chest, watching the sunrise. She couldn’t help but think about Sarah Beth’s last sunrise. Kaylan had held her, denying and raging against the inevitable. All her tears, screams, and clinging couldn’t keep Sarah Beth from slipping away.

  “Your job deals with life or death. What happens if you don’t come home? I can’t handle it, Nick. I can’t lose someone else I care about.”

  “Kaylan, neither of us can control that.”

  “Don’t do it.”

  “Don’t do what? My job? Kaylan, you are very important to me. I would do anything for you, but please don’t ask me to give up what the Lord has called me to do.”

  “How do I know you’ll be okay?”

  “Yesterday, you prayed that the Lord would help you trust Him. Trust Him with me. Let Him be God, Kayles. Let Him be in control of my days. Besides, I have too much to live for now to be stupid.”

  She nodded.

  “You want to tell me what the real problem is?”

  “Not really.”

  “Why don’t you humor me? Pretend I’m your ever-loving boyfriend who wants to calm your fears, if at all possible.”

  “You would play that card.”

  “Time to accept reality. You said yes yesterday. This is part of the package.”

  She pulled away from him and struggled to gather her scrambled thoughts into a coherent sentence. “When you kissed me, something happened that frightens me.”

  “Your heart stopped beating, and butterflies fluttered in your stomach? It was that good.”

  She shoved him and smiled. “Be serious, Nick.”

  “Sorry. You just make me happy.” He leaned in to kiss her again, but she pulled away.

  He sighed. “All right, talk to me.”

  “I think you’re taking Sarah Beth’s place, and it scares me to death because I don’t want to forget her, and you are becoming all too important to lose, and I don’t know how to handle this.” The words burst from her mouth as she panicked.

  His eyes probed her like the machines at the doctor’s office, testing each place for the source of pain. “I could never fill the shoes of that relationship. They are far too big and amazing to fill. This is our own relationship, a piece unique only to the two of us. You won’t lose me, Kayles. I’m not going anywhere. And you won’t forget Sarah Beth either, because I won’t let you.”

  Tears filled her eyes, and she realized she’d been holding her breath. “Really?”

  “I promise, and I don’t break my promises.”

  She settled back against his chest, feeling the weight of the Haitian rubble lift for the first time. “Know what she told me as we were lying there, waiting to be rescued?”

  “What?” His voice was low and warm, and the sunrise seemed deeper, richer.

  “She told me not to be mad, that God was still good.”

  “He is, Kayles. I won’t pretend to understand. When I lost my buddies, it was like a part of me died.” He kissed her head and whispered the words against her hair. “Then you danced into my life.”

  She met his eyes, once again feeling at home. Suddenly the pain wasn’t as sharp. “Do you think we give pieces of ourselves to the people in our lives, and that’s what makes it hurt so badly when they’re gone?”

  “I think if we are truly investing ourselves in the people around us, we inevitably give them part of who we are, and they give us part of who t
hey are. We swap pieces. It’s one reason we’re always changing, always growing. We’re like puzzles who share pieces and in doing so become more intricate. Better versions of ourselves.”

  “I like that image. Sarah Beth’s piece is bright pink and huge with tons of daisies and sunshine. She would have liked that. It’s the gift she gave to me.”

  “She gave you an even bigger gift than you realize. She gave you permission to live, guilt-free. God is still good.” He tilted her chin and rested his forehead on hers. “Kayles, she gave you permission to love her and remember her without pain, without shame. She gave you hope. Don’t ever forget it.” He kissed her, slow and long, melting away the ice around pieces of her heart. When she pulled away, the sun rested high in the sky, welcoming a new day, a brighter beginning.

  “I wish I could tell her about this.” A tear trickled down her cheek; it was no longer one of sorrow but of sweet remembrance.

  “She knows. She would be happy for us.”

  Kaylan settled against Nick and felt the once familiar urge to pray. She no longer wanted to fight it, but she still didn’t understand. God still felt distant, as though she had left Him in Haiti, buried with Sarah Beth.

  “I wish I could still believe God is good. I have hope for us, but hope for this larger picture, Nick? I don’t get it. Where’s the good? Where’s the hope? Where’s God in all of this mess?”

  Nick had been praying for the right words to say all through his restless night. When words hadn’t come, an image had. He pictured Kaylan and him in Haiti, helping to rebuild, revisiting Sarah Beth’s grave, saying good-bye the way he should have allowed her to do before ripping her back to Alabama.

  He dreaded her response. He knew she had been contributing to Haiti relief, but that didn’t entail being back in the war zone that had first plummeted her into this depression and pain. Could she handle it? Would she want to? Regardless, she needed to.

  Your words, not mine, Lord.

  He took a deep breath and shifted Kaylan away from him. “I want to talk to you about something, and I want you to listen and consider before you say anything.”