Dr. Critchlore's School for Minions

by Sheila Grau

  “I didn’t know,” I said. “If you’d told me, maybe I could have helped you.”

  “Oh, don’t give me that ‘I’m so nice’ routine,” she said. She released my chin and started pacing in front of me. “We all know it’s an act.”

  She stopped in front of Dr. Critchlore’s huge window, her gaze on Mount Curiosity. I looked out and saw my friends. They hadn’t gone to the party. They were at the foot of the trail. Syke was pointing at something up on the mountain.

  “I was the one who gave him the paint set,” Miss Merrybench went on. “So I could pose for him, au naturel.”

  Ew.

  “Nothing I do works!” She threw up her hands and resumed pacing. It was like she was talking to herself, not me. “I give him a love potion—and he falls in love with the dog. The Suggesterol. I followed directions to the letter: Give with milk, wait five minutes, suggest something to your subject. ‘Dr. Critchlore,’ I say. ‘You have to marry Miss Merrybench. You have to do it or you’ll die.’ And what does he do? He goes off to kill himself!”

  All ten imps seemed to burst out laughing, but quickly turned their laughs into coughing fits. “Dusty in here.” “I’ve had a cold for weeks.” “Frog in my throat.”

  “I was supposed to save his school by finding the saboteur.” She turned to me and looked like she wanted to crush me with her stare. “Not you. Not you, not you, NOT YOU!”

  “Vodum isn’t the saboteur, is he?” I asked.

  “That clod? Good grief, no.”

  “You set up everything.”

  “Of course I did. I blew up the cemetery as soon as I heard that Vodum had called a meeting of his stupid Necromancers Club, so it would look like he knew about it. I sent him to Frankenhammer’s to get a brain before I set off the carnivorous cockroaches. I ordered the Suggesterol in his name. But then you had to go and deliver it to him. I had to sneak into his office after school, and you almost caught me too, when those annoying zombies showed up chanting for brains.”

  “It was your perfume they smelled.”

  “Yes. That was close,” she said. “And I was going to catch Vodum trying to destroy the castle after he drugged everyone with sleep-inducing pollen. And then Dr. Critchlore would love me. Because I saved his school.”

  “But if you love him, how could you destroy his school?” I asked. “The cemetery, Dr. Frankenhammer’s work, Dr. Critchlore’s office—you tried to destroy them all.”

  “Do you think I could afford potions on the pittance that man pays me? Do you know how expensive one dose of Suggesterol is? I could have retired to the Goyan Riviera with what I spent on love potions, midlife-crisis-inducing potions, impulsivity potions, sentimental potions, and the Suggesterol. Not to mention the explosives. And the spa treatments.” She patted her hair, then looked at her nails. “Very expensive. No, I had to find someone willing to pay me for those little deeds. Killing three birds with one stone—I get rid of Vodum, I set myself up to be the hero, and I get paid extremely well to do it.”

  “Pravus,” I said.

  “That’s right,” she said. “That man is utterly obsessed with Dr. Critchlore. He’ll pay anything to see him suffer. And he’s fantastically rich. He gave me money and ideas. He supplied the carnivorous cockroaches that I planted outside Frankenhammer’s lab. He gave me the vines that have knocked everyone out up on the mountain with their sleep-inducing pollen. I told him I hated this school, and once it was destroyed Derek and I could leave and never come back.”

  “The Girl Explorers in the video, that was Pravus too, wasn’t it?”

  Miss Merrybench took a step back and held up both hands, like she was terrified. “Those aren’t girls. He calls them land piranhas. They can strip an animal to its bones in seconds. They’re evil. And they do whatever Pravus tells them to do. He controls them!”

  She shook all over, then turned to look out the window. She took in a big gulp of air and slowly exhaled. “I did everything right, but none of it worked. Because of you.” She turned to look at me. “And you know what, Runt Higgins?”

  “What?”

  “You are not going to beat me.” She stopped pacing and walked to the door. Then she turned and said, “Say good-bye to your beloved school, Mr. Higgins. It’s going to collapse down upon Dr. Critchlore’s beloved four pillars of business success.”

  My eyes went wide. We weren’t safe. Something else was going to happen.

  “Take him to the dungeon. Use Dr. Critchlore’s secret stairs. Mr. Higgins is going to have a front-row seat at the show.”

  Fortune favors those with minions.

  —FORTUNE COOKIE SAYING

  Miss Merrybench strode over to the bookshelves and pulled out a book. A latch clicked and the wall of books opened up to reveal a dark doorway.

  “You have one hour before those columns blow,” she said.

  “Aren’t you coming?” one of the imps asked.

  “No.” She fluffed her hair and then laughed hysterically. “I’m off to the infirmary to pick up my future husband. One more potion and we’re going to live happily ever after. Someplace far, far from here.”

  The imps pushed me through the door. I was smushed into the middle of the imp scrum, half of them in front, half behind. Stairs led downward in a tight circle.

  “Sorry about your arm, Toady,” I said to the imp with the sling. “I never thought Pismo would do that.”

  Grumble.

  We reached the bottom of the stairs and entered a room lined with bookshelves. I noticed a liquor cart, a couple of leather wingback chairs, and a pool table. How cool, I thought, I’ve finally seen Dr. Critchlore’s secret lair.

  “This ain’t no fun,” Spanky said. “Let’s go. Merrybench can stuff it.”

  “Yeah, who needs her?” another imp said.

  “Don’t you guys work for her?” I asked.

  “We don’t work for nobody,” Spanky said. “It just so happened that she asked us to do things that were in keeping with our nature, so we obliged, see?”

  “So you feel no loyalty to her whatsoever?”

  “Hardly.”

  “How’s about we prank her back?” I said. If she could appeal to their mischievous nature, maybe I could too.

  “What’cha got in mind?”

  “Okay, this is going to be hilarious. First untie my hands, then we’ll go get some grown-ups to come help.”

  “Everyone’s out cold, up on the mountain,” one of the imps said. “The professors, Mrs. Gomes, everyone.”

  No, not everyone, I thought. Syke and the guys were still at the base of the mountain. I’d seen them from Dr. Critchlore’s office.

  I tried to think about what to do. Okay, prioritize, I told myself. First, the bombs. I wasn’t the best bomb defuser in my class; that was Darthin. Between us, maybe Darthin and I could defuse them before they went off in—yikes!—fifty-five minutes.

  Miss Merrybench was on her way to abduct Dr. Critchlore, who was in the infirmary. I could send Eloni to block the doors with boulders, since the infirmary was right next to the boulderball supply shed.

  But if Merrybench and Critchlore made it out of the infirmary, I’d need people to block the exits, including the lake.

  “All right, I think I’ve got it,” I said. “Spanky, I want you to find Darthin and get him back here, pronto. Tell Frankie to carry him to the Column of Duty as fast as he can. If we can stop Miss Merrybench’s bombs, she’ll totally flip—it’ll be great.

  “Quip, you get Eloni. Tell him to block the infirmary doors with boulders.

  “Toady, you find Pismo. He’s probably by the docks. He’s got to watch for Miss Merrybench leaving by the lake.

  “Uhoh, you look for the first-year zombies. Tell them to block the main exit and not let anyone out. But you have to tell them in a whiny voice. And tell them Higginsbrains sent you.

  “Doink, Peanut, and Hackmatack, you three grab some gas masks from the safety stations and take one to Mrs. Gomes, up at the party. See if you can revive h
er and tell her what Miss Merrybench is planning to do.”

  They all hopped up and down, eager to get going. “And one last thing. If this works, I’ll give you guys anything you want. Anything in my power to give you.”

  They hopped a little faster and dashed up the stairs. Dog biscuits, I hoped this worked.

  The four pillars of business success: Discipline, Duty, Determination, and On-Time Delivery. The four pillars that both literally and figuratively held up the school. Miss Merrybench was planning to blow them up so the castle would collapse into the dungeon.

  I had fifty minutes left. The first thing I did was run to the central-hub room and hit the alarm. I didn’t think anybody was left in the dungeon, but just in case, I had to warn everyone to get out.

  I waited for Darthin next to the Duty pillar. Etched in its side were the words “A Minion Knows His Duty, and His Duty Is to Obey.”

  Secured to the pillar by a chain was a briefcase. Okay, briefcase bombs. What did I know about them? I sat down and saw that it was one of those briefcases with a lock. A four-letter lock.

  Just as I was thinking up words to try, Frankie rushed into the room, carrying Darthin, who had his bumpy hump back. He also had his bomb-defusing tool kit.

  Forty-three minutes.

  “Step aside, Higgins,” he said. He spread out his kit. Frankie’s head swiveled around as if he were expecting an organized assault—which, come to think of it, was one of the scenarios we’d trained for last year: a decoy bomb to scatter the enemy, followed by a surprise attack.

  Darthin picked out a tool, and in two seconds he’d opened the briefcase.

  Yikes, there were a lot of explosives in there.

  “She planning on blowing us to the moon?” Darthin asked. “Oh, this is clever.”

  “What?”

  “See these wires here? It makes it look like your standard Pipsly-Splocket bomb, with a delayed-fuse igniter. But it’s a trap. If I’d defused this Pipsly-Splocket-style, it would have blown.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because of this little beauty here, the Wachtingblurg trip wire. See how thin it is? Oh, this is good work.”

  “Can you defuse it?”

  “ ’Course I can.” He straightened his hump and got to work.

  “Oh no!” Frankie said. He was looking at his DPS.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Dr. Frankenhammer’s still in his lab.” He pushed a few buttons to call him. “He’s not answering.”

  “He probably thinks it’s another false alarm.”

  “I have to go get him before this blows,” Frankie said. He looked at Darthin, then at me. “Not that I don’t have confidence in you two.”

  “Go,” I said. “He can help us.”

  Frankie zoomed off.

  I watched Darthin work on the bomb. He was so focused. I checked my watch. Thirty-two minutes. It had taken him eleven minutes to defuse the bomb. There were three more bombs. Uh-oh.

  “I’m going to have to defuse one of the bombs,” I said. “You don’t have time to do three more.”

  “Watch me again, on the next one,” Darthin said. We ran to the next pillar, Discipline: “A Disciplined Minion Focuses on His Task and Only His Task.”

  I focused on my task of watching Darthin, memorizing every move he made. My hands moved in the air, mimicking his. He kept up a running commentary of what he was doing, and I tried to repeat it all in my head.

  Open case … freeze-spray the Winkle-Snapper … twist the blue-green wire around the copper thingy … clip the Tangle Nublet …

  “Do you have an extra can of freeze spray?”

  “No. But you can come with me to the third pillar and then take it when I’m done. You’ll have time to do the rest. But Higgins, if the clock hits three minutes, just get out. You’re more important than this building. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Promise me.”

  I looked at my watch. Twenty-one minutes. Yikes.

  “Just remember to stay clear of the trip wire. You can do it, Higgins.”

  We ran to the third pillar, Determination. “Nothing Can Stop a Determined Minion!”

  I tried to let those words fill me up with confidence. I was determined. As soon as Darthin finished with the freeze spray, I grabbed it and the other tools I’d need and ran to On-Time Delivery: “You Never Have to Wait for a Critchlore Minion.”

  Twelve minutes. Where was Frankie? He should pass through here coming back from Dr. Frankenhammer’s lab.

  My hands shook crazily, but I opened the case. Okay, freeze-spray, done. Twist the wire, done.

  Ten minutes.

  What was next? The Tangle Nublet, or the Flip-Switch Button? I closed my eyes and tried to picture Darthin’s quick hands flying through the steps. Nublet or Flip-Switch? I couldn’t concentrate; panic raced through my body.

  Nine minutes.

  “Darthin!” I yelled. “Is it the Nublet, then the Flip-Switch?”

  Silence.

  Eight minutes.

  I didn’t want to die.

  All of a sudden, it came to me. It was the Nublet. I knew it.

  Clip the Nublet, press the Flip-Switch, gently remove the Zarnok Packet.

  Five minutes.

  I wiped my hands on my pants. I had about ten more steps.

  Darthin appeared behind me. “We can’t do it in time,” he said. “Come on.”

  He grabbed my arm.

  “No, we can do it,” I said, yanking my arm back. “Together.”

  I sat down and began working on the Zarnok Packet. Darthin sat next to me. “Time?”

  “Four minutes.”

  He shook his head, but his hands flew as he recited what he was doing. “Defusion fogger, Henly cog, argh, there’s not enough time.”

  “Three minutes.”

  “We have to go, Higgins. Please!”

  He got up and ran for the door, his hump bumping wildly on his back.

  I looked at the bomb, and then I ran away from it as fast as a determined human could run.

  Great things are accomplished when minions work together toward a common goal.

  —QUOTE FROM DR. CRITCHLORE’S “GREAT EDUCATORS” TRADING CARD

  The bomb exploded just as I caught up with Darthin in the castle’s entrance hall. The floor shook beneath us and we could barely stay on our feet, but we managed to prop each other up as we raced out the front door, down the steps, and outside to safety.

  “We made it!” I yelled, putting my arms in the air in the universal sign of victory.

  And then a giant sinkhole opened up in the ground, and we tumbled back down into the dungeon.

  Fortunately for me, Darthin broke my fall.

  Fortunately for Darthin, he landed on his fake hump.

  Unfortunately for both of us, we were stuck at the bottom of a sinkhole with rocks and debris falling all around us.

  Fortunately for the school, the explosion didn’t ignite the other bombs. Even though Darthin had defused them, they were still filled with live explosives.

  “Are you okay?” I asked. Darthin sat up and nodded. “You were brave, Darthin. Real brave.”

  “Thanks.”

  And then I remembered that I hadn’t seen Frankie or Dr. Frankenhammer outside. “Darthin, give me your DPS.”

  He handed it to me, and we both watched the screen as I typed in Frankie’s name. The green blip showed up right next to where the bomb had exploded.

  “Oh no! We have to get out of here. We have to go get Frankie!”

  Darthin braced himself against the wall. I stood on his hump to reach the edge. I pulled myself up and then reached for Darthin. Once he was out of the hole, we turned back to the castle.

  Smoke billowed out of the entrance, but I knew we had to go in. We had to find our friend. He couldn’t be dead. Not Frankie.

  I’d only taken one step forward when a dark shape appeared in the smoke. A shadow. Darthin put a hand on my arm, and we watched a figure emerge from th
e wreckage.

  It was Frankie.

  He carried an unconscious Dr. Frankenhammer in his arms. Tears were streaming down his face, but he kept walking. We ran to him, reaching him as he lowered Dr. Frankenhammer to the ground.

  “Is he …?” I asked.

  “He passed out from the smoke,” Frankie said. He wiped his face. “He wouldn’t come with me, Runt. Told me to leave him alone. I started crying, I was so frustrated. I tried to stop, but I could feel what was happening. My head was going to pop—so I just let myself cry. Dr. Frankenhammer looked disgusted. I cried and cried, and then I remembered that I may not be twenty times as strong as a normal man, but I am ten times stronger than Dr. Frankenhammer, so I grabbed him and ran out.”

  “You saved his life, Frankie,” I said.

  As relieved as I was that Frankie was okay, my gut still twisted with worry. What if Miss Merrybench had gotten away with Dr. Critchlore? That would almost be worse than the school getting destroyed. We could rebuild the school, but we could never replace Dr. Critchlore.

  What if the other imps hadn’t done what I’d asked?

  “Darthin?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Why did you come to the dungeon with the imp?”

  “I didn’t believe him at first,” he said. “But then he said you needed me and that if I didn’t go, the imps would never achieve their dream.”

  “What?”

  “He told me you promised them they could be on the tackle three-ball team.”

  “Oh.” So that’s what they wanted.

  I was about to run to the infirmary to see if Dr. Critchlore was okay, but after one step I collapsed to the ground.

  I woke up in the infirmary, groggy, sore, and tired. There was a plate of cupcakes next to my bed—my favorites, the kind with the little chocolate sprinkles on top. A new uniform was draped over the back of a chair.

  I tried to ask questions, but Nurse Rollo just kept hushing me.

  I awoke again and my cupcakes were gone. I couldn’t remember eating them, but maybe I had. Rollo still wouldn’t answer any questions. He told me I needed to rest and not get too agitated.