The next month I start seeing someone new. He’s a poorly copied version of Aiden. He’s shorter, with lighter brown hair, and glasses, but he’s super nice and good to me, but it’s fake.
He’s my rebound and girls never fall in love with their rebound. We use them to help us stich ourselves back together after heartbreak because they’re safe. We know this guy won’t hurt us so in turn we hurt them. I’m using him and wishing he were my ex.
When Aiden found out I was seeing someone new, he has the audacity to question my new beau’s integrity. In reality, he should question mine.
“Does he treat you good?” We’re standing in the middle of the sales floor. Anyone could hear us.
“Yeah, he’s not you,” I spat, still bitter over him, over everything.
“I treated you good when we were together.” He shouts, losing control. He’s shocked I’m even implying otherwise.
How am I supposed to respond to that? Of course he treated me well, or else I wouldn’t have fallen in love with him in the first place. But it was all lies.
I scoff and roll my eyes at him, “Yeah, okay,” I say, my voice dripping with sarcasm. “You didn’t even like me.” I’m baiting him because I’ve always been self-conscious about his true feelings for me.
“I like you, Chels… liked you…” He grimaces, realizing his slip-up.
The in-denial version of me would like to believe it was a Freudian slip, and he did still have feelings for me, despite the fact he was with her now.
“You just liked putting your dick in me!” I whisper-yell back at him, looking around to make sure no one heard me, but not caring anymore if anyone did.
“You never complained about it,” he smirks at me, always cocky, and chuckles his damn perfect laugh making me weak in the knees. Present tense.
“Well yeah, why would I?” I was always left satisfied. I had no complaints. He smiles and my panties still melt and my stomach still drops from looking at him.
I would have moved heaven and earth to make him smile at me like that forever. As he walks away, I stare after him, yearning. Wishing I could change the situation. Wishing I was still with him.
I would have dropped everything to be the person he was marrying. I would have moved back home with him to Tennessee if he asked, dropped out of school, given up my entire life to be with him.
And maybe that was me being naïve and childish and it would have been a regret in my life. But how I felt for him, and how I still feel, I think it would have made me the happiest person in the world.
What are you supposed to do when you’ve found ‘the one’ and they’ve found theirs, and it’s not you? Does this feeling ever falter? Not only the love, the absolute certainty knowing you want to be with that person forever, but also the absolute devastation, the heartbreak… the emptiness.
∞ ∞ ∞
Since I’m in a new relationship, it seems Aiden took that as his green light for bringing her into the store. Nothing could prepare me for this.
They show up hand in hand and I want to sever their connection. The dark depths of my blackened heart take over and I imagine awful, violent scenarios in my head of cutting off her hand so he can never hold it again.
Instead I hide in the stockroom until she leaves. Any time he’s talked to her on the phone—like one time when he bragged about how much he spent on her ring, asshole—I hid in the back until it was safe to come out.
She’s dressed in a strapless, rainbow dress—whore—with her long blonde hair braided down her back—how childish? She has flip flops on that smack her ugly, fat feet with every step she takes.
She’s not even that pretty. I’m grateful I can’t see the rock she’s sporting, or I’d wring her stupid neck. It’s still not okay he brought her here and I intend to tell him as much. I make the rules here. Not him. Not anymore.
August rolls around and Seth tells us he’s getting promoted and leaving the store. With a new boss comes extra pressure. I need to impress him so I don’t get fired. I’m the worst salesperson on staff with the exception of Tasha. I pray the new boss gets rid of her.
When we meet him I’m beyond excited. His name is Dax, and he is insanely hot. His blond hair is worn in a half-Mohawk and the messy just-out-of-bed look works wonders. He has a full sleeve of vibrant tattoos and a body that makes me want to peel away his clothes.
I hope we get along well because I could get used to looking at him. He’s young, around Aiden’s age, though shorter than him. And I find out this week is his birthday.
On the day of Dax’s birthday I bring in vanilla cupcakes with vanilla icing and a bite-size Reese’s on top. He told me they were his favorite and I’m being a suck up to ensure job safety.
“You never made me cupcakes on my birthday.” The voice behind me sends chills down my spine. I hate that I still react to him this way.
“That’s because I didn’t like you on your birthday.” I glare at him, and he knows I’m serious. He got engaged to the whore around the time of his birthday, but he expects me to bake him cupcakes? No, thanks.
In addition to Dax and Aiden I’m working with Reid tonight. The hotness factor is through the roof and I think my panties have burst into flames already.
My new boss is confident as hell and it appears my old boss didn’t leave without telling the new guy about my obsession with Reid. Thanks for that, Seth.
“So out of the three of us, who is the hottest?” Aiden asks me in front of Reid, but not in front of the new boss. Reid has since found out about Aiden and I. Pretty much every one has since Seth left, and no one even cares. “You blushed like crazy when Dax walked in. It’s obvious you like him.”
He knows me well, but he forgets I can push his buttons too. “How is that even a question? Reid, obviously. He even looks good in these horrible t-shirts we’re forced to wear. There’s no comparison.” I wink at Reid and he rolls his eyes, annoyed, and walks away.
I’ll always want Reid because he’s unattainable. It’s human nature.
“You still like Reid more than me?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, did I hurt your feelings? That must suck, huh?” I have no sympathy for this man. He shattered my heart and still toys with the remains. He expects me to fawn over him while he’s still engaged to someone else. His ego knows no bounds.
“Yo, Chelsea, is it true you gave Aiden a blowie in the bathroom?” What an impression I’m leaving on my new boss already. How fucking embarrassing.
I snap my head to Aiden, my glare full of accusation. He must’ve told someone since I didn’t. As he catches my scowl, he laughs and shrugs. Great.
The months blur together and I’m faking happiness with my new boyfriend, but it’s not genuine. He’s a good guy, but he’s more like a good friend. I love him like a brother, but I don’t want to be alone right now.
When my birthday rolls around Aiden still doesn’t say happy birthday on the actual day, just when he sees me at work. Yes, I’m still bitter.
The holidays come and go again, and it’s scary to think a year has gone by and I’ve been numb for most it.
When January rolls around again, Aiden corners me. Our relationship has returned to a typical coworker relationship. I flirt with him, he tells me to stop.
“You have to stop trying to flash me,” he tells me.
“Sometimes I just can’t help myself.”
I wasn’t even trying to flash him. I had an itch under my t-shirt. He probably wishes I would flash him, anyway because of how much he loves my boobs.
I’ve caught him turning off his phone when we work together and not answering her. Things are still weird between us. There’s still chemistry and tension—those things don’t go away because we stopped being together.
“I haven’t told anyone this yet because I wanted you to be the first one to know. I wanted to tell you the news myself this time. I’m quitting and putting in my two weeks’ notice. I’m moving back to Tennessee.”
Will this man ever cease to aff
ect me? Will he ever stop hurting me? What does he even expect me to say to that? I’m not happy he’s leaving and does he expect me to be? He’s only going back to be with her.
The selfish whore never moved up here to be with him. She’s not even in college, nor does she have a job, yet Aiden has to move back to be with her? She could relocate with ease. Not that I want her here, I still try to watch out for Aiden’s best interests.
And she is not in his best interest.
She’s forcing him to uproot his life, move away from his family, to move back to fucking Tennessee. Bitch.
The first week of the New Year is the worst week of my life. It started with Aiden breaking his news, followed by my border collie, Girly, needing surgery to remove a tumor. If that wasn’t bad enough, less than a week later Buddy gets an exploratory surgery. Turns out his stomach was twisting. These dogs are trying to kill me. I thank God they’re all okay.
The end of January means it’s Aiden’s last week. On his last day at work, I’m lucky enough to close with him. I’m not even sure anymore if I’m being sarcastic or serious.
“I requested to work with you. I wanted to give you a proper goodbye in private.
The night flies by which disappoints me. The fact I’m disappointed by it further pisses me off. I do my last walk with Aiden to the bank and it’s all bitter, no sweet.
“I’m gonna miss you, Chels. You know, you’re still the best pair of tits I’ve ever seen.” I blush, my face heating one thousand degrees. “I’m glad I can still cause that effect on you.” He’s smug and I’m broken. I’m not in the joking mood. “I don’t know if this hurts or helps, but you’d be my second choice, Chels. If it weren’t for…if things we different…I’d choose you.”
It hurts, Aiden. It doesn’t help. It fucking hurts.
He walks me to my car and I tear up. “I’m gonna miss you.” A tear slips out and I wipe it away, hopefully before he notices.
He hugs me, squeezing me into his chest. His lips brush the top of my head as he holds me. I cry, but I don’t sob. I’ll save that for later.
We part after minutes, hours; an immeasurable amount of time passes.
“Goodbye, Chelsea.”
“Goodbye, Aiden.” I let the tears fall as I watch him walk away from me for the last time. I get in my car and sob. The man who owns my heart just left me for good, and he took my heart with him. I don’t think I’ll ever fully get it back.
Epilogue
All Too Well
The first few times I went into the store post-Aiden, I was a mess. He was all around me in this store. Everywhere I looked contained a private memory of him, with him, of us.
More times than not, I would bite my cheek to keep the tears at bay, but I would always fail. I’m sure my coworkers could figure out why I was upset, but nobody broached the subject with me. I don’t blame them.
There’s still a stupid, naïve part of me holding onto the denial to ignore the pain. I still sit back and hope that maybe someday, if I’m lucky, he’ll come back to me. Perhaps things won’t work out with her and considering he laid claim to the fact I’m his second choice—which still hurts—then he will come back.
But they’re high school sweethearts and I know the statistics on that relationship failing, trust me, I’ve looked it up. Denial is the last thing stopping the pain from eating me alive. I realize the chances of that happening are slim to none, but it is the better option than the hurt and heartbreak consuming me.
When people say you never forget your first love, they could not be more accurate, because the heartbreak accompanying it changes you and sticks with you forever. Even now, years later, reminiscing on all the memories is still equivalent to picking at the wound and jabbing it over and over and over again, never allowing it to heal.
The problem with first loves is that it sets the precedent for future relationships. In my case, anyway, there has been a definitive type for me and I compare every single relationship I’ve ever had to that one special person, even if other relationships came before him.
I was so in love with him. No one has compared to him and the intensity of those emotions. Sometimes I believe I will end up alone because no one can compare to the high standards he set in my heart. I also refuse to settle for anything less than the feelings I now know I’m capable of.
It’s so rare to find an emotional connection as intense as a physical one. He understood me and we were so comfortable around each other, and the sex was phenomenal. With a relationship so intense, was it possible it was all one-sided? How could it be possible I felt our connection, but he didn’t?
If I could rewind time, I wouldn’t do anything different. I have no regrets where Aiden is concerned. I would do it all over again
Aiden wasn’t my soulmate, but I was too young and naïve to realize it then. The rose-covered-glasses were more like a rose-colored-bubble, surrounding me in its entirety. There was no chance I would see who he was or what he was doing to me.
Aiden was my almost. He was my almost-relationship, my almost-boyfriend, my almost-love.
No, that’s where I’m wrong. He was my love even if I wasn’t one of his. I believe my actions proved my love for him, but at eighteen, his actions weren’t loud enough for my naïve little ears to hear or believe him.
And the words they heard were lies.
So why was I upset? We were never anything serious, we could never define our relationship, and we were never even official. He was my almost everything. But it still hurt so damn bad. It still does, even after years of attempting to put my heart back together.
How do you get over someone you never had?
My friends don’t get it. They’ve never been in this situation, so I’ve been keeping to myself. I can’t fault them for not experiencing what I did.
That’s the thing about love, loss, heartbreak… you can empathize with a person until you’re blue in the face but you’ll never understand what they are going through until it happens to you.
I’ve heard that every seven years our skin changes. That means the skin I wear now has never been touched by him. The thought should make me happy to be rid of him, to be cleansed of my demons. But instead it fills me with crippling despair.
He’s never known this body and a part of me wishes he would. The other part of me battles with the former half, knowing he’s manipulative and hurtful and praying karma kicks his ass in the long run.
It’s taken me all this time to understand the notion I was blinded by my feelings. I was weak and used. I was lied to so he could get what he wanted. The initial realization hurt like hell and still, there’s a throbbing in my chest that ignites with red-hot fury when I remember the words said and the way he treated me.
There’s a crack permanently chipped out of my heart for what Aiden did but every day gets easier. Every day a piece patches itself back up to the ragged edge like duct-tape holding together the bumper of a car. It’s not a permanent or solid fix, far from it. But the searing, disabling pain has surpassed and now the ghosts of memories only haunt me in my dreams.
It hurts worse than a solid, clean break up. There was no solid connection tying us together. The outside world wasn’t even aware there was an us.
How could I be so hung up on and annihilated over someone who wasn’t even my boyfriend? How was I terribly in love with him when we weren’t even dating? There was nothing concrete about us. There was no paper trail, no Facebook status to link us together, no photos, nothing.
It was as if we never existed. And boy, did that hurt. That level of blind devastation was all-consuming. How can people understand the immensity of my heartbreak when they didn’t even know we were dating? Sorry, sleeping together, not dating.
He could go on, comfortable in the lies he told me to get me into his bed, when the words left a mark on my soul as if I’d been branded by the deception. He didn’t care that he ruined me. He had no qualms over my broken heart and shattered soul.
Why should he? He had
her.
Aiden may have been an almost-person in my life, but he was my first real love. That is one thing I can say with one hundred and ten percent certainty. That is the one thing he could never take away from me. The emotions I experienced for him paled compared to the weak tether that kept Dan and I together.
The fire that ignited in my soul with Aiden was a love most people don’t even get to experience. Maybe it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, but God, does it suck.
I know it’s normal. People go through it every day and it’s a normal part of growing up. Just because I know it doesn’t make it easier or better. It doesn’t erase the pain or the days I spent in bed sobbing, unable to crawl out of my depression. It doesn’t negate the emptiness and numbness he instilled in me for months.
I loved him selflessly. I handed my heart and soul to him without a second thought and I assumed he’d cherish the gift. Instead, he was selfish and careless with it.
A part of me will always love him in the way you always have a connection to your first love. He’s someone who will forever be ingrained in my heart and my memory and sometimes he’s like a scab I can’t help but pick open.
Most people can recall their firsts. First kiss, first boyfriend, first time, first love. They sit in your memories, some stronger than others but the impact never goes away. Those people changed you, changed me, into the person I am today.
If Aiden hadn’t come into my life, I’d be less cynical. I wouldn’t have trust issues and an iron-clad wall wrapped like a vice around my heart. I wouldn’t have spiraled and lost respect for myself and fall into a sunken depression. Or I still might’ve. I can’t be sure.
But those hardships, the things I had to fight and conquer made me stronger. First loves are intense; they burn like one of those trick birthday candles where it flickers back up the minute you think it’s gone. They’re never gone. They always pop back up at the most inconvenient times, like they know you’re healing and moving on.
If I didn’t experience an all-consuming, devastating love I wouldn’t have learned how to pick myself back up. I wouldn’t be able to face the pain head on like I had to for months with Aiden, walking into work knowing he was happy and engaged and I wasn’t even a blip, a momentary weakness, a pussy he could use until she came along.
My Almost Page 24
