by Tom Corbett
“Well,” Cate said slowly, “it did not go well with Evan and his family.”
“That prick,” Josh uttered spontaneously and then regretted it. “Sorry, no need for that.”
A tear formed in Cate’s right eye. “No need to apologize. I agree. He is a shit, and his mother is a stone-cold succubus. He has this new family, and I am sure he saw me and Meena as an irritation. But the witch of the west wanted us out of the house. She treated Meena like crap, I was freaking furious. And Evan, Evan did nothing to support me. He stared as if I was not even his child, as if I were some irritating neighbor’s kid who had defiled his damn flower garden. I could barely convince Meena to come with me here, she feared it would be the same.”
Josh kissed Cate on the top of her head and turned to Meena. He took her hands. “Meena, welcome to our family. If Cate loves you, then I love you.” Her head lowered, and Josh could see her shoulders heave a bit before she surprised him by melting into his arms. Josh thought back to the time when Eleni’s mother hugged him, his surprise. But he wrapped his arms around her and wondered at the ease with which he used the word love, a word that had never ever come easy to him. It hit him that this young girl had been deathly afraid of this moment.
“What the…” They all looked around to see Rachel at the door to his office. “I mean, Josh usually can make anyone cry, but this is impressive even for him.”
Josh let Meena go. “I think these two have something to tell you.”
Cate took a deep breath and wiped the tears from her eyes. “Mom, there is something I’ve been wanting to tell you for a long time, one of the reasons for this trip, other than to celebrate with uncle here. Damn, I just hate myself for being such a coward…so freaking fearful. Damn!”
“Cate, just say the words,” Josh whispered. “Just say the words.”
Cate took a deep breath. “I…love Meena. We want…to be together, adopt children, have a life together.” Now the words began to cascade out. “I have known for so long a time that I am attracted to women. As a kid, I was confused, sure, and I went through the obligatory boyfriends and relationships. But inside, you know, I had that emptiness, that feeling of being incomplete. But I can’t do that anymore. It is not fair to you, to me…”
Rachel held up a hand. “Whoa! I understand, Cate, I really understand. Believe me. You think I did not suspect? Why didn’t you come to me earlier? Did you think I would be mad, turn you away? I don’t understand. Why keep this inside, my dear?”
Cate stood there, immobile for a few moments. “It seems silly now, but I was afraid. Well, not afraid that you would reject me so much as you would be…disappointed. I never felt I measured up, that you hoped I would be more. You had been such an achiever, the gal that worked her way out of the Irish ghetto to become the top doc. I barely made it through high school chemistry. And now I was going to fail you in the biggest thing of all, being a real woman. No husband, no traditional marriage, no children. Sometimes I would imagine just faking a marriage to be the nice child. At least I could measure up in that way.”
“My god,” Rachel blurted, “was I such a monster?”
“No, no, it was me.”
“Listen, Cate, you have no idea the hell I’ve endured thinking I had failed you. I could not stick it out with Evan, then I was so busy being that hotshot doctor you so admired that I was not always there for you. How many school performances did I miss? Now I wonder how many conversations we did not have but should have. I just wasn’t there. We never had mother-daughter talks, not really.”
“Mom,” Cate pleaded, “please…”
“No, it’s true. I was too much like my own mother, every girl’s nightmare. I see that now. Oh god! And how many times did you ask me to join you when you came to visit Josh? How many? I always found some work reason to put you off. In the end, my brother got closer to you than I ever did. You know Josh better than I. Now there is a dagger to the heart.”
Josh broke in, sensing the conversation would spiral down into a sob fest. “Well, to be fair, I’m such a divine joy to know.”
After a brief pause, the small group broke into a laugh, more from relief than in response to any humor. A call came from the other room that dinner was ready.
Rachel walked to Meena and hugged her. “Let’s eat. I will have a long time to get to know you. Believe me, I’ll take the time to get to know you.” She glanced at her brother. “I suspect we are all sorting stuff out this week.”
They all settled down to eat, which started out with a bit too much silence for this crowd.
“Good food,” someone said.
“Sure is,” came a response.
Usha and Connie looked at each other with a what the hell is going on look.
Rachel broke the silence. “I’m not sure, why but I can’t get an old patient out of my head. In truth, I am not sure she is my patient or whether I just consulted, but no matter. This was a long time ago. She was a young lady with one child, but wanted many more, like eight or so. But she was having a great deal of trouble with her second pregnancy. Yes, now I recall, I didn’t become involved until later but heard the whole story.” Everyone watched her now, curious, as they continued eating. “She kept consulting her attending physician to save the pregnancy. Eventually, her doctor told her that an abortion was probably called for to preclude further complications for her. But she couldn’t face it, that was not her. Her doctor became more insistent, she now was risking her own health. It was possible she might not survive. Still, she couldn’t do it. She was so devout. Aborting something that was so important to her was anathema. If she died, she died. Then someone pointed out that her personal decision was not for her alone. If the worst came to pass, her two-year-old child would grow up without a mother. Could she live with that? And so this young woman finally decided to go ahead and abort. She could not let selfish principle interfere with what was so important. As the day of the procedure arrived, it turned out that the anti- abortion fanatics were in full throat. They were harassing the women and the staff, physically trying to keep the patients away. To counter the pressure, they had the women arrive very early and had supplied passwords to each so that protesters would not gain entry pretending to be patients. It was all very clandestine.”
“Did she go through with it?” someone asked. They were all now listening intently.
“Oh yes, she eventually would become a proabortion advocate. But I get ahead of myself. What happened is that she got pissed that others presumed to spite her for a decision she arrived at after so much agony, indecision, and pain. During the procedure, they found that the fetus had already stopped developing and saw other worrisome signs. So, they did other tests and found that she had uterine cancer—that’s where I came in. Among other things, she had a hysterectomy as part of the treatment. She would live to raise her only child but could not have any more. But what she realized was that her decision to go ahead with the abortion saved her life. Had she waited, we might not have been able to save her.”
She paused, realizing that people around the table were both intrigued and perplexed. Josh got up and began refilling wineglasses. “I think we need more cheer.”
Usha asked, “What happened to her?”
“She made a full recovery. She raised her biological child. And she even got to have all those children she wanted. She became a foster parent to special needs children. Her life became an inspiration, and in some way, her life trajectory could be traced to an act of courage that violated her basic principles and outraged many around her.” Rachel looked around. She could tell that those assembled were struggling to figure out if the vignette had any relevance to them or, more importantly, to Rachel, who just smiled. “A lesson for all of us, one should never free-associate when wine is being served.”
“Ah, this is what happens when an abstainer has that second glass of wine,” Josh offered but wondered if the story was about him. He was not sure. Maybe it was for Cate, that made more sense. In any case, humor was
needed. “Perhaps I should tell the story about holding your head over the toilet when you got smashed as a kid.”
“Only if you’re on a suicide mission. Anyways, the story is not totally random. Sometimes things happen that result in huge life changes. You never know, you never know. I almost did not come to this event. To tell the truth, I often have avoided my brother over the past decades though I suspect we both were complicit in this mutual avoidance dance. Cate just reminded me that I often found excuses to stay away. The truth is that I was mad at him. Even when I decided to come, I was not sure if it was to celebrate or to give him hell.”
“I vote for giving him hell,” Connie asserted without hesitation.
“I think I’ll open another bottle,” Josh offered.
“Don’t leave any empty bottles around,” Connie suggested. “Rachel might whop you over the head while the rest of us cheer her on. Hell, I might take the first blow.”
“Yes, you’re desperately vulnerable here surrounded by all your so-called loved ones,” Usha added with a smile.
Rachel also was smiling. “You know what the problem is. This useless shit of a brother is way too charming. Look at that crooked smile and those dimples. Who can stay mad at him? Besides, I sense he and I may be approaching a rapprochement.”
“You mean you’re not going to bludgeon him with an empty wine bottle?” Usha looked disappointed. “Damn!”
“Well, at least the urges to assault him with the nearest bric-a-brac don’t strike me as often.” Then Rachel’s voice lowered bit. “Maybe it’s happening, maybe we ARE becoming a family again.” The table fell silent. “And speaking about family, do you want to share anything, Cate? Please, it’s time.”
Cate blushed. “Is it okay?”
“It is more than okay. It’s wonderful news to be shared.”
“Okay.” Cate cleared her throat and took a deep breath. “Here’s the thing. Meena is more than a traveling partner. We’re more than just friends. We’re a couple, partners, lovers, and we hope to marry. That was part of the reason for the trip, to tell dad and mom and that favorite uncle of mine, maybe get married, though everything is so complicated.”
“A toast to the couple,” Usha interrupted. Glasses clinked to great cheers. Morris, snoozing in a corner, raised his head to the sharp sounds of glass on glass before dropping back to sleep. “May you find love with each other and happiness in life.”
Connie looked at Josh. “You never mentioned that your niece had found a partner. This guy is hopeless. He talks all the time and says nothing. When we were together, I would ask him how his day went. All I would ever get was ‘fine,’ whether he nearly died that morning or won the Nobel Prize that afternoon. Men are so frustrating. You are making a wise choice, Cate.”
“Though I agree that Josh is hopeless, I’m guessing that he didn’t know until today, that no one did. That’s what I am thinking. Am I right?” Usha said in her still slightly lilting Indian accent. “You just found out, right? Perhaps no one knew.”
Cate looked at Meena, who nodded imperceptibly. “I want to be fair to my uncle and my mom. They did not know. This is my coming-out, at least with people who might care. In fact, this is our coming-out though we’re not sure who on Meena’s side has figured things out yet.” She took another gulp of wine. “We did some work together. We hit it off and soon did things socially. As an American in the Middle East, particularly a female alone, you can be isolated and lonely. Well, some guys would hit on me, but that was not my thing, nor terribly exciting.” Usha made a sound but said nothing. “Meena sensed I was lonely and asked if she could show me around, things that were off the beaten path. One thing led to another. We have been close friends for eight months, quietly, and then we decided on this trip as a motivation to announce ourselves to the world. That was the reason for the last-minute thing, working up our courage and all. Up until we got on the plane, it was a touch-and-go thing.”
Now the conversation flowed. It was as if a dam had burst. There were more questions and answers on how they met and what it might take to find someone to marry them. Additional questions arose about whether the marriage would be recognized in every state and in which other countries. People talked about citizenship issues for Meena and a host of other issues. What struck Rachel was that no one questioned the relationship in the least. She thought back to her own home, to Jim and Ora and the Irish neighborhood in which they lived. Her family would have preferred death and a wake than a loved one coming out of the closet. The penalties for straying from a rigid orthodoxy were clear and certain. The old Catholic world bridged no form of sin, and anything that brought one pleasure surely was a sin. She could recall her dad making references to some bar patron being a fag for sure or some female who had rebuffed his charms as a goddamn dyke. As a female, she shrunk at such labels but would look upon the targets of his ire with suspicion and wonderment. What was their world really like? How did they feel about life and others? That illicit gay life remained a delicious mystery to her.
Rachel noticed that Meena was sitting immobile with her head bowed slightly. Rachel got up and walked to her side. “Is something wrong, dear?” Up close, she could see that a tear had run down her cheek. Meena, realizing that everyone was looking at her, rose and walked into the living room. Rachel and Cate followed. The others cleaned away the plates, and Josh, when finished, peeked inside.
“Josh, tell everyone they don’t have to hide. They can join us,” Rachel said.
When all were gathered, Meena gave a big sigh. “Sorry about that. I am not upset. Just the contrary, I’m quite good.” She had that delightful crisp accent of someone who had spent much time at university in Britain. “Well, this is hard. You see, all my life I’ve been silent about who I am. It is very difficult being from my family. We cannot hide since we are close enough to King Abdullah that what we do reflects on him and the government. You can see, I am sure, how sensitive our politics are. Jordan is mostly Sunni though we’re not Wahhabi or one of the extreme sects. Still, people are conservative, and the monarchy is always being watched. The king has been safe, but his father and grandfather were the targets of assassination on several occasions. Even when things look calm, you know that rumblings are just under the surface. Can you possibly understand?”
Josh broke a momentary silence. “Rachel and I can sure can. Sounds a lot like an Irish Catholic clan.”
“No, sounds more like your typical Indian family,” Usha offered.
Cate took up the narrative. “Funny, we live in this sophisticated age. We have gay pride everywhere, gay marriage is on the verge of acceptance, and gay partnerships are announced in the New York Times. But believe me, all this is not universal. My uncle is right, I have been weighted down by my culture almost as much as Meena. My granddad on my mom’s side, whom seemed larger than life to me as a child, spoke of gays as if they were diseased. That sits with you like an anchor. You push feelings aside, go through the motions with guys who do nothing for you, steer conversations away from those uncomfortable topics like ‘when are you going to find Mr. Right’ and ‘isn’t it about time to settle down.’ I always had that ‘but I need to see the world first’ gambit, but I’m twenty-nine and that would soon fail to do the trick.” She considered something for a moment. “Mom, I’m so sorry I never opened up. You raised a coward.”
Josh could see the moisture in Rachel’s eyes and a slight tremor on her lips. He was about to add something, but Meena took over. “At university, I came across female students that I suspected might be responsive. I could tell that some were feeling me out. There were occasions when I so badly wanted some human contact, our lips would be just inches apart and our eyes locked. It would have been so easy to kiss. So seemingly easy, but I could not. My head would not allow me to go where my heart wanted to be. Then when I returned to Amman, I thought that would be it. My family would insist that I marry and I would have no choice. The night before I was to fly home, I cried bitterly. For the first time, I consid
ered ending it all. I was not serious in that, I don’t believe, just miserable.”
“Then we met. Well, not right away, but when we did, it was like finding daylight for the first time.” Cate was smiling and reached out to take her hand.
“Coming back was not so bad. At least I would escape those English winters. I liked my new work in Amman and all. But I could see my life laid out before me. And yes, my parents had picked out what they considered a suitable mate. The suicide fantasies returned. And then, and then…I was in a meeting when I looked up and saw Cate. Her smile was infectious and she seemed so bright and personable. I thought, she might not be gay, but I want to spend time with her no matter what. Since she was new to Amman, I offered to show her around. We did things for a while, just the social and cultural things that friends do. She was so open and had this infectious laugh. It was the first time in a long time that I felt alive. And then one day, we were walking early in the morning. We were alone. We were sitting on a bench, talking about who knows what. Then we stopped with the nonsensical chatter. It was like all those times in college when I came so close. Our heads seemed to inch closer. That’s where I would stop in the past.”
“And then,” Cate added, “we knew. I remember as if it happened five minutes ago. Our lips approached and we kissed. We did not let fear take over us, did not pull apart. I’m not sure we talked about it that day.” It was as if they were talking to each other, as if the rest of the room had disappeared. “We didn’t, not a word. But I think we knew a line had been crossed. The next time we were alone, it was easier. We found places to be alone. But the fear was there, ever present. We never moved on past those innocent kisses. Jordan is relatively free, but there are spies everywhere. Each morning, I was afraid I would be asked in for an interrogation about this foreign she-devil.”
“How delicious and exciting.” Usha gushed.
Cate gave a short laugh. “More than exciting. Hell, I feared that I would be kicked out of the foreign service, or at least shipped home. They tend to take a dim view of personal behaviors that cause embarrassment to the service. They are surprisingly picky about such things. Go figure.”
