by Tom Corbett
Meena took another glass of wine. “Don’t let me have a third one of these. I am not good with the devil’s brew like you are.”
“We must make you an honorary Irishwoman,” Josh offered. “And that infectious laugh that Cate has, she gets that from me.”
“No uncle, I think I got a slight case of narcissism from you.” Cate laughed aloud before continuing, “Meena and I found ourselves on this wild emotional ride over a matter of a few weeks. We went from professional acquaintances to sometime friends to close buddies to an exciting romantic dance and finally to lovers. Once there, we were ecstatic and distraught at the same time. Every day we feared discovery. When you hide from society, your family, your own self, it all gets out of proportion. You don’t know what is real anymore. Everything said in your presence takes on a double meaning. Every glance or gesture can be twisted into some nefarious plot. What did that last comment from a colleague mean or that last glance from a friend? It is hell.”
“Oh, I so understand.” Usha injected.
“But we continued. Once we found each other, there was no going back. You cannot. It is like being released from your personal incarceration. No fucking way are you going back into that private hell again.” Then Cate realized she had let out a profanity in public. “Oh sorry, Mom.”
“No problem.” Rachel’s voice was heavy with emotion. “Just good to see you happy at least.”
“Of course, we will have to wash out your mouth with soap,” Josh added to lighten the mood a bit. “No swearing in my home. House rule.”
Cate continued as everyone ignored Josh’s wit. “When I had an opportunity for leave, I took it and insisted that Meena come with me. We needed to be where we could breathe and be ourselves, figure out what we wanted to do. Good thing I’m in the service, I could expedite Meena’s visas and stuff. There will be no hiding things when we return so we will face what must be faced. But we are good, we know what is important for us.”
Rachel leaned forward. “And what’s that?”
“Well, aside from getting married, we want to adopt a couple of children. One is a Syrian orphan girl, and the other is a Palestinian girl.” She searched through her wallet and picked out two small pictures. As they circulated, there were a few exclamations as to how cute they were. “We can’t save them all, but we can start with two. We came across them while working the refugee camps. I wondered for a moment if Mom’s story earlier was about this, but that would have been impossible. In any case, I suspect all this may result in the end of my career in the service, but…”
“There will be other things for you,” Rachel added softly.
“So, Mom, you don’t mind if I throw away my career?”
“What? Care? Are you kidding? I sacrificed so much in the pursuit of fame and fortune as a physician and academic. I was not there for you so many times when you were a young woman. I can see everything now. You would want to talk, I could feel it. And I would think, okay, let’s do that this weekend or when I get back from this conference where I am giving a paper, or when whatever seemed so important at the time. And you know what, it really wasn’t important at all, not at all. I’m so ashamed.” She wiped a tear from her face.
Cate jumped up and ran to her side. “Please, Mom, I love you.”
“Why?”
“Well,” she said, “relatively speaking, you’re a saint.”
“What?” Rachel asked.
“You want to know what happened at Evan’s house when we met with Dad and his mother, the grand dame? Without some of the detail, I explained about Meena and I being a couple and the adoption. He said nothing. Brunhilda got up and left the room.”
“Is that her real name?” Connie asked.
“No,” Josh whispered back to her. “That’s what we call her. A real bitch.”
“Then…then,” Cate stuttered, having trouble getting the words out, “my dad asked me how long I planned to stay. What he was asking is how quickly could he get rid of me. Meena was sitting right there, right there. Why not just shoot me, really? That would be kinder. He was shutting me out in that overly smug and superior way of his.”
Josh looked over at the couch. Cate sat between her mother and her lover. Her ever-present smile was not to be seen, the effervescent personality gone for the moment. And yet, there was a serenity to her look, as if something heavy had been lifted from her. Meena offered consolation. “Please, Cate, do not be hard on yourself. You told me what it would be like, or what it might be like.”
“It was worse than even I imagined. I thought I had prepared Meena for a worst-case scenario, but I was not bleak enough. My own father turned his back on me. And don’t tell me that it didn’t get to you, Meena. I had to drag you out here kicking and screaming.” Suddenly, Cate looked around the room. “Oh, this is terrible. We have ruined my uncle’s night. I didn’t…we didn’t…”
“Are you kidding?” Connie smiled. “Do you have any idea what you saved us from? An evening of your uncle’s favorite stories. Number one, we’ve heard them all before and, number two, we know he just makes them up in the first place. And then there are the jokes. You know, when we were together, I kept something on my person at all time for protection.”
“What?” Rachel asked. “Mace, pepper spray?”
“No, silly. Earplugs.”
“Still,” Cate insisted, “you all have been so kind. I’m sure it is hard for you to understand what we have been going through and how wonderful you’ve been.”
“I understand.” It was Usha. “I understand totally.”
“Sorry,” Cate countered, a bit confused at her tone.
“I understand totally. I am a lesbian as well.”
Cate stammered, “I’m confused, you were married to my uncle, and I thought you just drifted apart.”
“No. I never stopped loving your uncle. I simply found the courage to be with whom I was meant to be. Josh knew all along it might happen, but like you, it took me a long time to take the plunge. And like Meena, my reticence was rooted in my family situation. Conservative Muslim or conservative Hindu makes little difference. The shackles are the same.”
“So, the marriage was a sham?” Cate asked.
“I…would not say that. Day to day we were like most couples. Hell, we probably had sex more often than some heterosexual couples we know. Yes, I would take pity on him in that arena on occasion.”
Josh let out a chortle. “We can discuss that later, my dear.”
Connie let out a harrumph. “I’ve always wanted to trade notes with you on what he is like in the sack.”
“Okay,” Josh said lightly, “I’m nipping this in the bud. I can end all debate about my prowess. I have the body of a Chippendale dancer, the technique of a top-flight gigolo, and an above-average wand.”
“Wand?” Meena asked, confused but enjoying the banter now, glad that the conversation had lightened.
“He is talking about his penis size,” Cate added.
“Oh,” Meena exclaimed, clamping a hand over her mouth.
Josh raised a hand to make a point. “But remember this, gals, it is never the size of the wand that counts but how the magician summons its powers.”
“Okay, I’m a good Indian gal, enough talk of wands,” said Usha with a smile. “Seriously, I did want to tell Meena that she is not alone. I think that is the biggest curse we face. We too often endure our feelings and fears in isolation. We simply cannot believe that what we confront has been faced by so many others for so long. And then we withdraw into our own private hells. I remember crying myself to sleep at night trying to figure out how not to disappoint my family. They were putting increasing pressure on me to either marry or come home. Good Indian girls could not be on their own. While I read at Oxford, I could put them off, and even through law school. Then the pressure ratcheted up, but I got a faculty position, and that saved me for a while. After tenure, I argued. But it was becoming unbearable.”
“And then came along Mr. Right and his magic
wand,” Josh threw out.
“Forget the stupid wand, too small to notice in any case,” Connie added.
“Let me finish this,” Josh said. “I forget where we met, but frankly, I was always attracted to beautiful dark-haired women. But Usha resisted my charms, most amazing. One day, I breezed into her office and found her crying. Now getting the story out of her really took all my charms. But I am a miracle worker.”
“Oh god, shoot me,” Rachel moaned.
“Anyways, after she poured out the whole story, I thought for a while and asked her to marry me. She had reservations, of course, asked if we shouldn’t love each other. Love? That was not important, but I did have one condition, so I asked her the big question.” He paused.
“Which was?” Connie pressed.
“Could she cook me Indian meals? It was a done deal after that. And we were happy until some younger woman lured her away from our happy nest.”
“Don’t joke about that,” Usha warned.
Cate still looked confused. “But did both of you get what you wanted. I can’t see…”
“Yes,” they both answered at once.
“But we’re drifting off topic again,” Usha said with conviction. “The point is that I understand. Better than that, I’m a lawyer and know way too many other lawyers. If I get the drift here, you’ll need a lot of legal help. There will be marriage issues, international adoption issues, citizenship concerns. Given what you want to do all at once, you have tough decisions to make, like which country will make all this easier.”
“Oh my god, Usha, that would be so great,” Meena said. “We have been rather confused about what to do next.”
“You, young lady, just focus on your family and how to open up with them. What I found in the end is that my fears were overblown, but alas, you cannot know that for sure until after the fact. Your experience with Evan, I hope, remains the bad outlier.”
“More wine?” Josh asked. No one responded. “What about you Morris?” The dog perked up at the sound of his name, but his head did not stay vertical long. With all the excitement, he had not gotten his daily quota of beauty sleep. He was exhausted.
“I feel like Morris,” Connie murmured and added that she had better get back home. Usha took that as her cue to leave as well. There were hugs all around, and Usha loudly stated that she would be back in the morning to work with Cate and Meena. Rachel grabbed Usha’s arm as she started out the door. “Thank you so much,” she whispered. Then the two embraced deeply.
Cate collapsed on a couch. “I’m bushed, too much today. And we have to get a hotel.”
“No way,” said Josh. “Downstairs, I can pull out a sleeper bed. That way you can clean up the kitchen in the morning. Women’s work!”
“Cate, throw something at him.” Rachel suggested.
“He’s going to luck out, too pooped. But one question. How come your former partners get along so well? That looks a little unnatural to me.” Cate was looking at Josh.
“I am the Teflon lover, women cannot resist my boyish charms.”
“And I remain the nauseated sister,” said Rachel, “is there a vomit bag available?”
Cate and Meena laughed aloud. It was a laugh that signaled the release of tension as much as a testimony to anything humorous. Then they all went downstairs to get things ready.
Later, Josh sat on his living room couch with a last glass of wine. He had another folder from his office that he was glancing through without really looking at the contents. Rachel came in and sat next to him.
“Good wine,” she offered. “Maybe one last glass.”
“Don’t make me have to get that barf bag,” he admonished.
She tucked her legs under her and leaned her head against his shoulder. “I promise. From this moment on, I’m going to be a better mother. Hell, I’ve done all the professional stuff, achieved all that I ever wanted. Okay, it might cost me a pretty penny for a hit man to take out Evan and Brunhilda, but that’s it.”
“Rach, you keep forgetting. Don’t beat yourself up. That’s my job and I do enjoy it so much. It is one of the few joys remaining to me. Besides, you’re a great mom, not such a good sister, but a great mom. So, you can stop fishing for compliments. Cate is a gem, for which I take credit. But seriously, I think she is getting her life together.”
“Yeah, I love her so and Meena seems very nice.”
“You know,” Josh noted, “I could barely look at Meena. She so reminded me of Eleni. The same black hair, olive-colored skin, dark oval-shaped eyes, and full lips. Every time I looked in that direction, my heart would stop for a moment. Some things never end.”
Rachel raised up and kissed her brother on the cheek. Then she lay down with her head on his thigh. She would do that when she was a kid and they were watching television. She had always felt safe in those moments. Rachel was turning something over in her head. “If you are looking for redemption, you won’t get it from me. You were a class A jerk. You ran out on the best things in your life. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, but you were a total jerk.”
They sat in silence for some time. Josh stroked her hair as he had done decades ago. She almost sank into sleep. “Rach, am I incomplete?”
“What? I’m not sure I understand.”
“That’s what Usha and Connie and Sarah, among others, have told me over the years, that I am incomplete or something that amounts to the same thing. Apparently, I’m missing something, but I am not sure what?”
Long silence. “Josh, think about this. You’ve never had a single real relationship with a woman. You ran away from mom and dad and me as a young man, and I, for one, never really knew why. We’ve never had a real conversation in decades, at least until now. You pretty much cut yourself off from old friends, and from what I can see, you have a bunch of people in your life that like you or appreciate you, but are not close. You were married to a woman with whom you could not have a complete relationship. And the one woman who seems perfect for you, and with whom you lived, you let slip away.”
“And your point is?”
“Think about it. You’re a smart guy.”
He gently pushed her head aside and got up, walking into his office. She heard drawers open and files being moved. Out he came with an old manila folder bound shut with twine. Without a word, he placed the file on the table in front of her.
“Listen,” he said, yawning. “Big day tomorrow, they are throwing the big going-off extravaganza so that I don’t change my mind.”
“Not to worry, Connie told me that your colleagues already changed the locks on your office door, and by the way, your parking space is history. Oh, I should mention that I got another text from Peter. He said they might be a bit late, but that they would be here for your final party. Apparently, they are driving up.”
“They, who are they? How mysterious.” He kissed her on the forehead and handed her the file he had been fingering without comment. “All this cloak-and-dagger stuff is driving me a little crazy.”
She thought about asking what he had given her but decided against it. As he headed off to bed, she decided, rather, on one last insult. “Not to worry, you’re already there on that bat-shit crazy thing.”
CHAPTER 9
DAY 4 EVENING
Rachel sat on the couch after Josh went to bed, her mind racing in response to the day’s events. On one hand, she was elated. She felt connected to her daughter in a more complete sense for the first time in years. Cate had always been a warm child but often held back in an indefinable way. It bothered Rachel at times.
As a young woman who enjoyed her witty and charming uncle, Cate would ask her mother to accompany her to Vancouver. Rachel almost never went. Why? The reasons for not going were never admitted aloud, nor privately in any full sense. She had never forgiven her sibling for abandoning her when she was a young high school student. She had been vulnerable when it happened, and she felt betrayed. Okay, she had always known the obvious reasons for his actions, the war, and his oppo
sition to the draft. But they weren’t even after him at that moment. He just disappeared seemingly for no acceptable reason. And he stayed away without explanation in her mind. He was incomplete, she thought. Yet she still loved him dearly at some level.
Worse, she knew why Cate liked his company. He was so damn disarming. Josh was like his dad in that way, the good story teller and affable wit. She also could be witty. It was different though. Her humor surfaced occasionally, usually around and in response to him, as she was now realizing. It was as if he could draw out a part of her that had long been buried under the need to achieve and excel and be professional. It was clear now; she liked herself more completely when around him. She had come to find out why he had abandoned her and was able to let him know what that had done to her. She had harbored a bitterness she barely acknowledged for over four decades. And yet, he was charming her to death. Damn him!
Rachel knew in her heart that Cate saw only the funny, bright, insightful Josh. She could envision Cate’s visits to him in Canada during her college years when she studied linguistics at the University of Minnesota. He would have shown her the sights, taken her to exotic restaurants, introduced her to his fascinating acquaintances, let her watch him regale impressionable students, and awe her with insightful stories and lessons for life. He was the dad that Evan never was. Evan momentarily pursued Cate’s loyalty as Rachel removed herself from the marriage and then subtly turned on her when that failed. It was part and parcel of his petulant response to not getting his way. Rachel was supposed to be a trophy wife, a pretty appendage. He had mistaken her professional aspirations and success as a bonus part of the package but found he hated it. She was supposed to be pretty, compliant, and yet successful enough to be another bragging point for him. Importantly, she was supposed to do all that without trying, as if success as a doctor and a mother and a wife might be achieved with the effortlessness of Gods.
