“I don’t want to; I want to sleep.”
“Oh no, you are not bailing on me, I need you to deflect.”
“Fine.” Em still didn’t move.
Carl woke Kevin, and Ryan reluctantly stood. The guys tidied up after themselves, and they all said goodbye.
“Tell me everything.”
Em did, Jess was thrilled.
“Are you going to go out with him?”
“Woah there, no one said anything about going out with him, I’m not sure that would ever be a good idea, and he hasn’t asked me, and I doubt he would, and really, I like the fact there’s no tension. Why would I want to ruin that? I just passed a nice afternoon, where we were just in each other’s company, without incident. I mean that in of itself is a fucking miracle.”
They showered, sang, readied themselves, and ate cake. Jess wore a very short pink summery number, and Em wore a black supportive strapless dress. Hair in a messy updo, little makeup and no jewellery, the dress was enough. They had a cocktail before they left as a sharpener for the night ahead.
There was no sign of the guys when they left, and Em was a little disappointed that Ryan wouldn’t see her. It was stupid, she knew, but she couldn’t help it.
The bar was full when they arrived, a little later than planned. The place was their usual go to, it was a younger crowd, and had good music. People danced.
“It’s a shame that Dan’s not here.” Em had to shout it when they pushed to the bar.
“Well, you wore it.” Even Jess had trouble keeping her eyes of Em’s cleavage.
“Yeah, I think I might go home and change.”
“No chance, drink this and stop giving a fuck.” Jess smiled her broad smile.
Em looked at shots the shots lined up in front of them, her hands shaking, she downed the drink, and relished the burn and the bad things to come. They carried the rest of their drinks over to the table for Claire’s party. Someone pushed two tables together, and half the women there were already two sheets, and soon would be three sheets to the wind.
Claire exclaimed in joy at the appearance of the late comers, and then Em saw the table of men next to them. Ryan’s eyes went wide, and he turned away. Em grinned at the guys at the table, who waved at them.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Jess asked as she laughed.
“Well, you put the idea in our heads of going out, and this is the place to be.” Carl grinned back at Jess, and Em went from one to the other, sensing something was going on with them.
Em said hi to the guys, and when she got to Ryan, he had a death grip on his beer. No, the dress had not been a good idea.
The girls joined the party, and every single one of the women looked at the guys like dessert, only Carl kept his grin, Em supposed he could hold his own with any of them.
Attention returned to Claire, drinks downed, and raucous madness ensued. Em kept her distance, these women were not her friends, and with Ryan’s return to brooding, she was hesitant to be herself.
She finished her fourth drink and escaped with Jess to the dancefloor.
“Holy shit, if Claire doesn’t stop screeching, I’m going kick her.” Em laughed as they danced together, and a few of the others joined them. Carl sauntered over and threw himself into the mix, and he was covered in women. Em rolled her eyes at him.
He extricated himself and shouted in Em’s ear over the music.
“I’m the only one brave enough to get on the dancefloor, and I have taken the mission. It’s a sacrifice, but needs must.”
“What mission?”
“You. Every man in here looks like they want to devour you. Ryan is going to explode.”
She went still, catching sight of Ryan as his jaw ticked, and being extra tense.
“Why the fuck is he pissed at me now?”
“Sweetheart, you don’t get it. He has a real thing for you; you’ve got him turned upside down.” Carl laughed. “If another man puts his hands on you, he’ll kill them.”
Em’s face fell. “What if, seeing as he is not my boyfriend, date, or fuck buddy, or I want another man to put his hands on me, what if I pull someone?”
“If you’re happy, he’ll deal, you’ll break his heart, but as long as you’re happy, he won’t begrudge you a thing. You don’t know him like I do. But you are getting some looks, and they’re more predatory than kind.”
She paled and took a step back.
“It’s okay. No one will touch you if you don’t want it.” Carl nodded at Ryan.
Em stood in the beat and noise, people throwing themselves about around her, and she only saw Ryan, everything became still. All of her past fear brushed through her, she let herself feel it, and she didn’t run from it. Her eye caught Ryan, she looked at him properly, it wasn’t annoyance at her she saw, but fear for her, concern.
Maybe, was all she thought, maybe, if she could get past his surliness and be easier within himself, there might be a chance of something. She sat back down, Jess followed. Ryan still had his eyes on her, and she gave him a small smile. His nod was faint, but it was there.
She was in trouble.
It was quieter at the table, but her head buzzed, she drank the drinks in front of her and paid little attention. Only when three shots were lined up in front of her, did she snap out of it.
“What we doing?”
“Truth or dare.” One woman said.
Em widened her eyes at Jess, and she shrugged.
“What are we, fifteen?”
The women went round and shared embarrassing secrets or took shots.
The table next to them was quieter, and Jess winked at Em at her turn, making Em smirk.
“Most daring place you’ve had sex.”
Em raised a brow and sat back, and she felt the boys tense up waiting for Jess’s answer.
“On a golf course. In the rough.”
Em grinned at Jess, the others laughed. Carl downed his drink.
“Em, your turn.”
“You’re going to have to dare me to do something better than doing a shot, that isn’t a dare, and there’s nothing to share about my sex life, my foof has shut up shop, I doubt there is anything up there other than moths and cobwebs. Jesus, it wouldn’t surprise me if I’m not a virgin again.” Silence, then laughter.
“A dare then?”
“Fuck it, why not.”
“Okay,” Claire leant forward. “Properly snog one of them.” She jerked her head to the guys.
Em turned and eyed the table. “Hmm, I don’t know, I don’t think they think of me that way.”
Ryan’s body was taut, and his chest rose and fell sharply, being deeply unhappy. The women spurred her on. She smirked at Ryan, and his face went blank.
She stood up and walked over to him, and bent down. He looked at her cleavage and up to her face. “You owe me. I’m calling in that favour. Do you understand? Do not embarrass me, or let me down.”
He took a deep breath and nodded.
She turned. “Parameters?”
Jess shouted. “Tongue, one minute.”
“Okay,” she beamed at Ryan, “here goes.”
Her lips met his, she opened her mouth, his tongue touched her lips, and as he claimed the kiss she offered, he put his arms round her, and she sat in his lap.
She vaguely remembered someone saying holy shit, and some whistles. But it faded to nothing. There was a desperate hunger in him, she felt the pound of his heart, his arms held her tighter, and his muscular body pressed into her. She put her hands in his hair, wanting to do that from the get-go.
He made a strangled noise and set her back. His eyes were intense. They sat that way for a moment, her eyes on his full lips, still feeling them on hers, and then he turned away.
She got up and sat back at her table. Everyone was quiet.
“Fucking hell Em.” Jess was wide eyed.
Em nodded at her. When she looked back, he’d gone.
“I’ve just fucked up again.”
Jess leant forward. “That was the hottest thing I have ever seen.”
“Me too, and fuck me that’s saying something.” They laughed.
All of the guys were smiling at her from the other table.
“Well, do I go after him?”
Carl shook his head. “I think he needs a minute.” He moved his eyebrows in a suggestive manner.
Em looked at her shots, and with her hands were still shaking, she down one. She wanted him; she suddenly felt desire in a way that she had never felt. It had been so long since she wanted to have sex, but when she had, it had been weak in a way. For years, she’d been looking for something and never found it, and fuck it if she hadn’t done just that. She had done things in the past because it was what she thought she wanted, and it was usually disappointing. Not always. But nothing had compared to what they had just shared.
Ryan returned. He finished his drink, barely acknowledging her.
Round two had begun.
She tuned out the hysterics, and banal secrets shared. They were trying so hard to outdo each other. Jess caught her expression. Em rolled her eyes at something that one of the women said and laughed. The others looked at her.
“What’s your problem?”
“No problem.”
“If you think you’re better than us, why don’t you tell us about your experiences? That’s all we’re doing, being girls together.”
“Trying to outdo each other in your sexcapades? No thanks.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not sharing my sexual experiences with these guys listening.” Carl made a disappointed noise.
“Go on, Em.” Jess was baiting her.
“No fucking way. I have nothing to prove.”
“Repressed, are we?”
Em downed the next shot. “Unless you’re going tell me you were spanked ‘til you came before you came out, shut the fuck up.” She downed the last shot.
Ryan’s mouth was gaping with the others. She got up and went to the ladies. Jess went a minute after, laughing hysterically.
“Oh shit.” Jess pointed at her.
“I mean, but really, they’ve got the mental age of horny teenagers. Thinking fluffy fucking handcuffs are the height of sexiness like it’s a competition. Blah, blah.”
“Em, I suppose it’s like talking shop for you.”
“Ah, what a wasted opportunity. I should have given them a story from one of my books.”
“Claire has them on her shelf.”
“Really? I should apologise to her. No really, I feel bad. I’m only jealous. Fuck-tits, I am, I’m jealous, I need a good fuck. Jess that kiss, it’s made me all,” she rolled her shoulders.
“Aw, but come on, that was not just a kiss.”
“No. No, it was not.” Em grinned. “Come on, and I’ll make nice.” They sat back down, and Em put her hands on the table.
“Ladies I apologise. I was pissy.”
“So were you?”
“What?”
“Spanked ‘til you came?”
“Only on Mondays.”
The ladies laughed, all forgiven. She turned to Ryan and winked. He laughed. That was a good sign.
It was closing time, and Em hadn’t been out that late in years. It was odd to think she had once been virtually nocturnal. She yawned. The guys had moved over and joined them, Ryan sat next to Em, silent, but she didn’t mind. She felt his eyes on her, and she itched to turn to him and kiss him again. She didn’t turn, knowing she wouldn’t be able to control herself.
When they stood outside waiting for taxis after half an hour fannying about in a kebab shop, Em leant her head on Jess. The women were all saying goodbye to each other, grouping off for their taxis. One of them fell over; they were a mess, screaming with laughter, flashing their knickers. Suddenly Jess was gone, cosied up to Carl, and Em watched them until she felt a hand on her arm.
“Hi.,” he smiled.
“Hey, yourself. Look, I’m sorry.”
“Why?”
“For putting you in that position. It was pretty shitty of me, to do that in front of everyone, but they were winding me up, I don’t know why, and Jess keeps pushing me.”
“I’m not sorry.”
“Oh, well, well.”
He nearly kissed her. He didn’t, he just hovered, looking at her.
“Em, car!” She sighed and turned away.
Kevin sat in the front, Em in the middle of the others again. She thought about all those weeks ago when Ryan had been a dick. She fixed herself rigidly in the car.
Her hands sat either side of her, keeping her steady, his hand ran over hers, she leant over, only a little, but the movement between them made her think of the kiss again. The driver was talking to Kevin, and the others laughed, she didn’t hear what was said, only her heart beating.
“So,” Jess stumbled a bit when the car left them, “do you guys want to carry on?”
“Sure.” Kevin agreed with Ryan. He seemed different, more relaxed, and she kept wondering at the changes in him.
“I like your place.” Kevin made himself comfortable.
“Thanks, I’m getting changed.” Em took off her heels and disappeared.
Em closed the door behind her, leaning on it, taking deep breaths, and undressed. Her dress had left indents in her skin, she rubbed them as she pulled some casual clothes.
She went in and sat on the floor with Cap, between Ryan and Jess. Brushed her shoulder with his knee, she held her breath at the contact as it made her itch to touch him.
Em sipped her whisky and rested her head back, Jess grabbed Em’s hair and started brushing it out with the brush she was using while everyone chatted.
Em looked up at Kevin who sat in her dad’s old recliner. He was watching Ryan, and Em guessed he had eyes on her.
Kevin shifted his legs.
“Do they hurt?”
“Yeah, you get used to it. Like breaking in shoes.” He was wry.
“I should get going.”
Em turned around and looked up at Ryan, and just like that, he was tense again.
“Okay.” He made no move. Kevin cleared his throat.
“Yeah me too.”
“I’m done in.” Jess sounded overly perky for someone who was tired, but Em stayed quiet. She stood up instead.
Jess had vanished, and Kevin was out the door.
“I, um. Yeah.” Ryan left.
“Shit.”
Moving to lock the door, she could see him through the frosted glass as he still stood there on the porch. She should have let him go, but couldn’t.
“Hey.”
“I can’t do this.” He wouldn’t turn around.
“I understand. It was a great kiss, though.”
“It was.”
“Have I done something?”
“No, it isn’t anything to do with you. It’s what happened to me; I thought I was okay. I don’t know if I am.”
She frowned, suddenly wanting to support him, needing to. “Are you getting help?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s what matters.”
“I was wrong. When we first met, I said you weren’t nice.”
“I’m not. Imma bitch.”
He laughed.
“You’re not really. I’ve been horrible to you and messed you around, and I tell you that I can’t do this, and you’re just, ‘as long as you’re okay’.”
“All right then, turn and face me.”
His eyes, for the first time, were unguarded. He had more than looked into the abyss; it had bitten back.
“You are a prick. You played me and made me fancy your pants off. Then you kiss me like I was sustaining your life, which was also the most sensual and erotic moment of my life, and for many fucking reasons, that is a big statement for me to make, and now you tell me I can’t have anymore. I’m actually pretty fucked off.”
/>
“I understood about half of that.”
“Whatever.” She stood close to him and craned her head back. “Just for the record, you are not my type. Too tall, fucking you would be like climbing a mountain. Too muscly, you’d throw me around like a ragdoll, plus I’d never take you down in a fight if I needed to. I don’t do broody unpredictable men, no matter how fuckable they are. So, fine, you can do one.”
He didn’t move but dipped his head, and his eyes went to her mouth. He hesitated, but she didn’t let him pull away, put her hands around his neck, and strained up to him. The second their lips met, he lifted her up, and her legs went around his waist.
He kissed her with the same intensity as before. Pressing her into the wall, she had never felt anything so powerful, but he broke the kiss, eyes searching hers.
“I really mean that we can’t do this. It wouldn’t be wise.”
“I’m thinking wise can fuck off.”
“I want you.”
“Yes.”
He closed his eyes, pained. “No, really I can’t. I’m sorry.” He put her down.
“Um, no, I’m sorry. I keep tormenting and pushing you. Night.” She went inside and closed the door on him. She sat down on the floor. She had never wanted anything more. Doing the right thing for him was painful. He wasn’t ready, but she was, too ready.
Seven. Heady
Jess turned to her friend as they lay out in the back garden.
“Are you going to make me beg?”
“For what?” Em turned the page of her book.
“What happened with Ryan?”
“He wants me but isn’t in the right place. Nothing is going to happen. It was humiliating. Again. I am so done. I’m not angry, just disappointed.”
“You sound like my mum.”
“I kissed him again before he gave me the brush off.”
“How was it?”
“The best fucking kiss that there ever was. Honestly, as much as he’s not my type, I could do some filthy things with him.” Em sighed. She put down her book and smiled. “And there it is. Every fucking depraved thing I’m never going to do with him is my next book.” Jess laughed. “Seriously, I need to have sex, though. Maybe Carl might sort me out; he seems like a player.”
The Way Home Page 5
