“Don’t fight on my account, really, I don’t care. They aren’t my friends.”
“He was all like, why didn’t you tell me. It’s none of his business. Our fight wasn’t really about you after that.”
“Was it a proper to-do?”
“Damn straight.”
“Maybe you’ll have great make-up sex.”
“I’m undecided if I want to let him put his dick in me again.”
“Gross, Jess.” Dan made a face.
“Look you’re traumatising Dan.” An awkward pause followed.
“That girl was sweet, though.”
“She was. I’ve been thinking about it all morning.”
“You going to start a class, better yet, start your own show?”
“No, maybe go to the class. Just, dance again.”
They nestled together and watched telly. Jess exclaimed a few hours later.
“I have been texted.”
“Ooh, do tell.”
“I have been assiduously apologised to…”
“Good word.”
“Thanks, and so have you. Carl says that you are as lovely as you always have been, and they still care about you. All of them. He emphasised the ‘all’ part of it.”
“The wanker probably filled them in.”
“They want to come over.”
“No.”
“Please?”
“Whatever, when?”
“An hour.” Em groaned and left them with a string of expletives and hid until Jess knocked on her door.
“They’re here.”
“I heard.”
“You coming?”
“No, you said they were coming over, there was no mention of my presence being required.”
“Em.”
“Fuck you, bitch.”
Jess laughed. “That’s better. Come on and be the badass boss bitch you are.”
“All right.”
She put some jeans on, but left her lace trimmed camisole on, and threw on a long waterfall cardigan.
Em walked into the group of men taking up all the space in her living room, and she noticed Ryan had come. He tentatively caught her eye, but she looked through him. Ben approached.
“I’m sorry.” She nodded, and it was all they’d get. Dan scooted over, making room for Em.
Carl and Jess were talking out back. She was done with these boys. She’d lost Ryan, and she could no longer innocently, or not so innocently flirt with them. She had dipped her toe back into the water, finding it too cold to swim in, it no longer mattered what they knew, and she found that she didn’t care. Well, maybe a little bit.
Carl and Jess joined them, hand in hand, and Em wanted to puke. Carl, a picture of contrition, Jess had told him everything by the look of him, put out his hand, and she cautiously took it. He pulled her up and engulfed her in a big hug.
“I’m sorry.”
“Thanks.” She had meant to say, ‘that was what you should have done Ryan you twat’, but she only managed thanks.
Em was pretty pleased with herself, they’d hung out for a bit, and she had remained calm and appeared normal, but she was restless.
“Well, this is fun, but I’m off.” She stood and went to get changed. She put her running gear on, and grabbing Cap’s lead and her sunglasses, and headed out, not caring she was leaving people in her house.
“Em, how can you workout with a hangover?” Jess looked incredulously at her as she was leaving.
“It’s not easy, but it makes me feel better after you sweat out all of the poison.”
“Nice.”
“Thanks.” She walked off. Em ran hard, punishing her body, the burn and pain consumed her, but it was better than being around Ryan. She tried to harden her heart to him, but couldn’t.
She walked a mile back, Cap’s tongue lolling out as they reached home. Em repressed her groan as she realised they were still there. She didn’t say anything as she went in, and walked passed them and showered. She came out in sweats, refusing to hide in her own home, although she took longer than was necessary to get dressed.
“What are we doing tonight?” Kevin looked around the room as he asked the question.
Jess was putting Em’s wet hair into a French plait, but the sheer volume of hair was causing Jess some difficulty. Debate ensued.
“Jess, do it tighter.” Jess dramatically sighed.
“It’ll be painful.”
“You know I love it.” Jess laughed as she pulled her hair tighter.
“Em, do you want to go out?”
“No, no and thrice no. I have to get some work done.” Jess frowned.
“I thought you’d finished.”
“Yeah,” she mentally shrugged. “but I was overdue with the one I finished in the summer, and they’ve been pressing me for it for months. They were thrilled that I gave them the fourth so quick, and another one that wasn’t within the usual remit; in fact, it’s completely different. Like a proper book, and besides, they’re never actually finished, edits, cuts, rewrites, and all that.”
“What, so there’s no…”
“None.”
“Uh-huh. And what do they say?”
“They’re going with it. But I have one more book to do.”
“Well, knickers.”
“It is what it is, and they want what they want. It’s the last in my current deal.”
“What happens then?”
“Fuck knows.”
“Aren’t you worried?”
“I’ve survived worse.”
Kevin spoke up, and Ryan shifted. Em mentally screamed ‘fuck you’ at him as she saw his mortified face.
“You always avoid talking about what you write. What do you write, exactly?”
Em grinned, fuck it, and she let Ryan squirm. “My penname is E.E. Queen.”
Lewis was, unfortunately, mid-chug of his beer, and he promptly sprayed it out and choked. Ryan’s eyes went wide. Huh, she hadn’t told him that. Ben shrugged, but Carl regarded Em shrewdly.
“Have a look online.”
Dan fetched some kitchen roll and helped mop up the beer, while Lewis caught his breath.
“Em, I don’t know what to say.” He said in halting breaths.
“Say nothing.”
Carl smiled. “That makes a lot of sense.”
“Don’t tell me you’ve read them?”
“Why yes. Have you done all of that stuff?”
Em’s face burnt, and Ryan tilted his head at her, a strange expression on him.
“Some. But Susan, she’s the main character, is an amalgamation of seven people I know, myself being one. Most of the things happened, not necessarily to me, but, you know.”
“Aren’t you full of surprises?”
She didn’t speak. Ryan stood up and walked out, his car started and he left.
“Well, I’m beat. So, night guys.” Em retreated, twisting her hands together and chewing her lips, and everyone left.
She was so angry with Ryan. She shouldn’t be, he had every right not to like her life, who she was, and other than their one night, she had no claim on him, he wasn’t hers. But still, she wanted him to want her back, at least be interested, but the continual hurt stung, hadn’t she endured enough? She knew she was selfish, he’d been through enough, she wanted to hold him, but he didn’t want her. The rejection of it wouldn’t leave her.
Em looked over her notes once more trying to push away her funk, but this new territory was more challenging than expected, she worked through her ideas, until her vision blurred, and every word was mistyped. She yawned and went to bed.
Ten. Go, team, go
Ryan clapped his hands, and shouted to the five guys in their low-backed sports chairs, as they pushed hard up and down the court. One man lagged behind. He’d broken the base of his spine, and it was his first time in the chair. Ryan pushed him hard. He was grim-faced but determined. The kid was twenty.
Another man, pushing forty, whose arms were massive and covered in tattoos, hung back alongside the kid, and ribbed him, cajoled him, and encouraged him. The younger man was panting by the time they finished the speed runs.
Ryan smiled and blew his whistle, and the guys relaxed. One of the PT instructors went over the results, and they discussed the teams for the upcoming game.
Capta was a charity primarily, but they were also a business. They provided private care, some NHS partnership, as well as community programmes. The hospital wasn’t solely for military recovery, but for brain, spinal, and limb injuries. They had a few regular donors who were generous, but they needed to raise funds all the time for new sports chairs, running blades, and various other equipment. They were expensive to get, so every year, they had the game, along with other disability sports demonstrations, and it was always well attended with a fair and stalls.
He went to his office and went over the programme for the weekend. It was the middle of September, and though cooler, the weather would hold out for the event. His mind wandered back to Em again. He didn’t know what to do, and he missed her. The connection he felt to her was intense, and at first, not that he knew why, he’d been angry with her, for what she had told him, for cutting him off when he called her.
Her rejection was his fault, and he didn’t blame her. He thought all the time about what she had told him. He’d reacted badly and foolishly without thinking, and he couldn’t undo it, he didn’t know how. She was everything that he fantasised about, but he had to reconcile the actual person to that, and he wasn’t sure he could.
Understanding that she was Queen made sense. That was why she had been so familiar to him. He had read those books, she was in them, how she spoke, moved, the things she did, it was all there. But she wasn’t her book, she was so many things, but she wasn’t her past, that didn’t define her, but it had given him pause, and she took it poorly. Why wouldn’t she? The more he thought about what she went through, the angrier he got, and a painful longing burnt in him for what they nearly had.
He had to put it right; he had to.
Em was stretching out after a workout when her phone rang, she hadn’t spoken to Jess in the two weeks after that weekend, she didn’t talk to anyone much anymore, and she was becoming completely isolated.
“What are you doing Saturday?”
“Hello to you too Jess, I’m fine thanks, you?”
“Ha-ha, what are you doing?”
“Nothing. Why?”
“Come out with me.”
“No.”
“You can’t say no.”
“I’ll think you’ll find I fucking well can, and will.”
“No, please, there’s a charity fair thingy, I thought we could go. Just the two of us.”
“Why?”
“Because, it’s for charity, I have two tickets, Carl can’t come with me.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why? It’s a wholesome, sober afternoon, and it might become a few beers after scenario when Carl’s free.”
“I’m not coming out after.”
“We’ll see.”
Em paused, she had a sinking feeling that Jess was up to something, and she dreaded what, but being something of a masochist, so why not go for the pain?
“Fine.”
“Great, I’ll pick you at lunch.”
She was gone.
She walked Cap in the cold on Friday. She imagined taking that walk with Ryan beside her. The man she shared that one night with was a fantasy, he wasn’t real, but it felt so close to the truth sometimes, she almost heard his step. Her loneliness consumed her some days but pretending he was with her, made it a little easier. She was pathetic.
Em was bundled up in a thick woolly jumper, a knitted beret, and a cute scarf. She dug out her heeled ankle boots. She noticed her skinny jeans were not so skinny anymore and ate a chocolate bar as she waited for Jess on Saturday.
Cap whined at the door and knew Em was going out and had the feeling that she wasn’t invited.
“You’re gonna have to put your big girl pants on now Captain Lucky Knickers.”
She put out some food, and a stuffed animal, along with a large squeaky toy.
Jess rolled up and waited in her car for Em.
“So what’s the deal with this thing?”
“I was offered tickets, I bought them, to tell you the truth, it’s to raise money for the rehabilitation hospital.”
“Oh shit off, Jess, I knew it.”
“I was asked to bring you.”
Em turned to her friend as they waited at traffic lights, with her best haughty disdain. “By whom exactly?”
“Don’t you know?”
“No, explain it.”
“Ryan came to talk to me after what happened the other weekend, and he’s sorry. He’s been working hard on some things, made some progress. He wants to put things right, and he wants you to be happy.”
“So that equates to being duped into attending whatever this is, at which he too will be in attendance how?”
“You sound pissed.”
“I am. I’ve been carefully sorting my shit out, part of that is avoiding him.”
“Wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t have to? Em, he’s part of Carl’s life.”
“Yes, I know, and therefore yours. The fucker was a prick to me Jess, and it feels like you’re not on my side.”
“That’s unfair; I’m right in the middle of this.”
“Sucks for you then.”
“Em, are we fighting?”
“Shit, I think we are.”
Jess smiled. “We’ve never fought, and it’s about a boy too.”
Em wrinkled her nose in disdain. “Do I have to speak to him?”
“He’s playing.”
“Oh. What? Wait, why am I going?”
“Basketball and he wants you there. He wants to change the way things are between you, but he knows it won’t be easy for either of you. Em, this has messed him up.”
“I don’t understand why. He didn’t want me. There was a thing, now’s there’s not a thing.”
“You don’t like him anymore?”
“Nope.” Liar, liar, pants on fire.
“Oh. I thought, you still, you know.”
“I’ve had bigger things to deal with recently Jess. I never really dealt with dad’s death, with my mum, with what happened afterwards, other things. I need to put my head straight on it.”
Em had wondered what the rehab place was like, and Carl talked about it more than Ryan. It was an old manor house, a large modern extension, and lovely grounds set back into the open land and a small wood. There was a track field outside.
There was a large building off to the side, where people gathered. Em’s heart stuttered, and her legs felt like they might give way.
Crowds meandered about little stalls, hot food vans, Christmas goods, and people in fancy dress with collection buckets milled about in the funfair that was set up behind the track field. A kissing booth was open with a gorgeous man in uniform kissing his way through a long line of eager women. Some poor bastard was having wet sponges thrown at him.
They watched a few races on the track.
Em took in the fair rides and the noise way off. Jess took Em’s arm, and they mooched the craft stalls. A loudspeaker came on announcing the game. Em and Jess filed into the huge gym with the others, they handed the tickets over, and found seats, Jess wanted front, Em wanted back. They ended up in the middle.
The noise echoed around the gym, and Em took it all in. She saw the two teams, and saw Ryan, managing to locate him like radar. His hair was longer than everyone else’s.
His team wore red jerseys, and the other team wore white. Carl stood on the sidelines with a clipboard. He was leaning down talking to the team in white.
Em shouted to Jess. “So, who is against who?”
“Residents agains
t the old guys.”
“Old?”
“Well, all of Ryan’s team were in the military at one time. See there’s Ben with him and Kevin.”
“I haven’t seen him for ages, he was always nice, but he won’t talk to me now.”
“But he lives on your street.”
“Yeah but he avoids me. I suppose I avoid him too.”
When the game started, Em didn’t want to watch or get involved. It was hard not to, Ryan moved with extraordinary strength as the players zipped up and down the court. She winced when a chair went over, or two chairs crashed into each other.
Em stood and cheered with Jess, following the crowd, her eyes glued to Ryan, and she couldn’t look away. Fucking fabulous, here was more proof that he was amazing, and she was just crap.
Ryan scored twice in the first quarter. He grinned as he high-fived another player as he went back down the court. He was impressive.
She watched him neck a bottle of water after the second quarter, and wipe his face with a towel. She wanted to be that towel. She couldn’t help it.
If he wanted to impress her, it was working. Perhaps she could get away without speaking, but realising Jess had offered to drive for a particular reason, she doubted she could avoid him.
Music and entertainment filled the break, the crowd get really into it, but she watched it with detachment, the world echoed, sweat beaded on her back, and it was almost as though she were watching herself from outside her body. As the seconds counted down at the end of the fourth quarter, Ryan’s team were three points ahead. The crowd went nuts as the game ended. Ryan was thrilled, happy, and confident.
Collection buckets were passed around the crowds by the people in costumes when the bucket came her way, Em dumped some cash in it, and passed it along, and Jess was still juggling her purse, and the bucket as Em shuffled out.
Em took a steadying breath as Jess caught up to her.
“Well, I came, I donated, now what?”
“They’ll be out in a bit.”
“Right.”
Em mooched around the stalls again when Jess received a call from Carl and went in. She considered calling a taxi, but didn’t, she felt like she had to talk to him at some point, the pressure was building to something, and it was making her uncomfortable.
She rounded back to the hospital information stalls and displays, which were covered in photos of residents and staff. She turned over a leaflet of the provided services, Ryan’s picture was on the back, and she slid it into her bag.
The Way Home Page 9
