She was such a loser.
She was about to walk away when another leaflet caught her eye. A stack of pamphlets on depression, PTSD, and other mental illnesses screamed out. She picked one up and read over the information for dealing with the aftermath of traumatic events and grief, the anxiety, and depression that might come with it, along with other health issues. There were several service provider numbers underneath. She slid that one in too.
By the time she made it back round to Jess, a crowd had gathered, all laughing and ribbing each other. Carl had his arm around Jess. Ryan was still smiling, but it slid off his face as he spotted her. She looked down and stood at the edge of the group.
“I’m glad you came Em.” Everyone turned to her.
Em had once been a person who gave no fucks whatsoever about what anyone thought of her, but now she had been reduced to hovering at the edge, unable to face the judgement of others. She closed her eyes.
“Okay.” She toed a stone.
“Hey Em,” Lewis moved around to greet her.
Em managed a small smile. “Good to see you.”
She nodded at Kevin and Ben, feeling supremely awkward.
The day started to wind down, and people were sorting out who was driving with who. Em clung to Jess’s shadow.
Em got in the backseat of Jess’s car as she slid into the driver’s seat and Carl in the front. To her utter mortification, Ryan got in next to her.
“Em, do you want to go home and get changed before we go out?” Jess looked at her through the mirror.
“Out? Where?”
“Weren’t you listening?”
“Um. No.”
“We’re ditching the car, and getting a cab into town.”
“Oh just drop me on the main road, and I’ll walk home. I had to leave Cap on her own. I dread to think what she’s done.”
“You’re not coming out?” Ryan sounded disappointed.
“I’m swamped.” She made herself face him. He looked so good, and she tried not to react.
“Just one?” Jess gave her that pleading voice. “Please, it’s your birthday.”
“My birthday is Tuesday.”
“Come on, please, please?”
She huffed. “Fine.”
She fed and walked Cap, and only changed her top because she didn’t give a fuck anymore. She climbed into the taxi when it pulled up, and Jess scowled at her.
“You’re not dressed up.”
“You said one drink, and besides, I’ve put away all my going out clothes.” Em kept staring out the window. She packed everything away, and put them with her dad’s things, unwilling to let them all go completely, but putting that part of herself aside.
She had done a number of things that she hadn’t told Jess about. She had joined the dance group, and she felt a glimmer of memory of what she had once enjoyed, faint, but there. She was making another set of friends.
Ryan faced her, an odd look about him. She just kept her face neutral. Jess was angry with her, and Em didn’t understand why, Jess was asking things of her that were impossibly hard, and Em wasn’t coping well with it. She wasn’t coping much at all.
“What’s going on?”
“Jess don’t ask me questions when you know you don’t want to hear the answers. You want me to come out, so I’m out. I know you expect me to play nice, and for you, I’m trying, but I didn’t realise my company was conditional to you.”
“You’ve got a fucking stick up your arse at the moment.”
“Stop the car.” Em gritted her teeth, and she felt the burn of tears.
“Don’t be dramatic.”
“Em,” his voice cut through her.
“What?”
“I’m sorry,” he leant over to the driver. “Stop here, and we’ll walk the rest of the way.”
“Fuck off I’m not going anywhere with you.”
He didn’t listen but got out, rounded the car, opened the passage door on her side, and pulled her out. “We need to talk about this. I’d like to explain.”
“Get the fuck off me.” She struggled out of his grip, even though she wanted to stay there. “What is there to say?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Fine.” She walked away, but he pulled her back to him.
“It’s not fine. Nothing’s fine. I miss you, and I want you.” He held her arms. She felt herself soften, and for a moment she let herself feel the hope, but she closed it off.
“I’m not going to fuck you.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“What do you want?”
“To be yours.”
His earnest tone made her sigh. “No. I’ll try to be civil, but you’re entitled to nothing from me. You should move on. You deserve someone better than me, than what I am.”
He watched her walk away from him, and he caught up. “That’s it?”
“I told you everything, and you didn’t want me, so fine, but after what we shared, you hurt me, you’ll keep doing it, and I can’t. I know what I am. You should have better than that.”
“I’m sorry I reacted the way I did, so sorry. I don’t know how to do relationships, how to talk to women.”
“Bollocks, we’re not another fucking species. We’re just people. It’s your perceptions that see us as fuck holes and treat us accordingly. That is exactly what you did.” She shook her head and marched to the pub.
“And you were different how? I said I wasn’t ready, and you pushed me anyway. You used me.” He followed behind her when he spoke she halted again.
She stared at his angry face, and his words stung.
“You’re right. You did. I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I like sex and sorry for how I feel about you, I’m sorry for everything. I’ve been trying to stay away from you, but you won’t let it go. For someone who ‘wasn’t ready’, who I used as a dildo, you seem very fixated on it.” Her eyes narrowed and searched his.
“Em, please, I’m sorry.”
Her mouth was dry, her throat closed. She fought the pain she felt. He stood close to her, inching nearer, and tried to take her hands in his, but she pulled away and went to the pub.
She nursed her beer as she sat as unobtrusively as possible, trying to be happier for Jess, but she wasn’t.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be a cow.” Jess hugged Em, whispering in her ear.
“Thanks. I think,” the pub was quiet, and she spoke quietly to Jess.
“What?”
“I think I’m depressed. Like properly. Jess, I’m,” Em kept blinking.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. If it makes you feel better, I bought you a vibrator for your birthday.” Em laughed, wiping away a few tears that escaped.
One turned into three, and a full-on night out. She got very drunk, switching to vodka, took her jumper off, and the tight low cut t-shirt drew Ryan’s eyes.
She and Jess egged each other on, dancing together far too provocatively. Carl kept asking about her dancing, and Lewis kept asking about her books.
Ryan, increasingly agitated, snapped when Ben requested a demonstration of her moves, she laughed and went to show him, but Ryan caught up her arm.
“Stop it.”
“What? Am I not allowed to have a good time? I’m not yours.”
“Don’t humiliate yourself in front of our friends.”
Humiliate. She tilted her head to the side. “I forgot you’re only nice when you want to fuck the whore. This is what I am. Deal with it, or stay away from me.”
He didn’t move. “You need to get over yourself.”
“You were right all those weeks ago; I think you do loathe me.”
“I don’t loathe you, I…”
“What?”
He pulled her aside. “Can’t stop thinking about you, how I want us to be together, to care for you, I want you to be happy, I want to be there for you. I love-”
Her anger vanished, and she was just numb
again, she spoke in a hard tone as she interrupted him. “Do you know what love is? It’s continued constant affection and care. It’s the everyday. Passionate love is part of it, but being a bastard, then saying meaningless words, isn’t love, grand gestures aren’t love. Love is in the doing, not bullshit.”
He let her hand go and crossed his arms with hands tucked under his armpits. “Honestly? I don’t know how to do it. I’ve never been loved. Never had anyone to love. I’m trying so hard, because of what I feel. There’s something I want to tell you.” He glanced at the others who were watching them and pulled her to another table. “When you told me about your past. I was confused. It’s not that I’m revolted, or anything that you think, I swear it.” He took a deep breath.
“What?”
“When I lost my feet, I became depressed, really depressed. I left the hospital and went to Capta. They put me on watch. I had no one, I couldn’t adjust. There’s this nurse, I was a dickhead to her, surprise I know, but she was fantastic, and everyone loves her. She gave me these two books to read.
“I mean, I just used to sit in my wheelchair and stare off into nothing, I didn’t speak, didn’t engage in anything. I didn’t want to use my prosthetics because I didn’t care. They were your books.”
Em’s eyes went wide.
“I read them over and over, it wasn’t just the sex, they were funny, and Susan was acerbic, and I don’t know; I just fell in love with it. Rosie would joke with me about those books. They helped me, and I know it sounds stupid, but they did. When we met, it was as if I met her in real life, and I didn’t know how much I projected that onto you.
“It was like I’d always known you. You are not your book. You’re not your character, but when you told me about your life, I almost thought then that you were her, but I just couldn’t believe it. Fuck, when you said that you were I was even more confused, but it made sense.” He blushed. “I don’t think you’re a whore, or someone just to fuck. That night was important to me, and I can’t let it go. I want to get to know you better, maybe date.”
She considered him thoughtfully, both relieved and annoyed, but she understood. He’d never been loved. Fuck, she could love the fucking shit out of him.
“I need a little time. I’m not okay.”
“I can help.” He put his hand over hers, and she pulled it away. His jaw tensed.
“No, I need to do this, but it might take me a long time.”
“I don’t mean I know how to help, I know people, doctors. Let me, let me show you that I’m not a complete dickhead.”
She made herself look into his eyes. “Okay.”
Eleven. Head on
Em tasted the death in her mouth and sat up, then tried to stand up, but promptly fell over. Cap yipped and nuzzled her.
“Baby girl, you’re bad for hangovers.” Em got up and went to the kitchen. She let Cap out, made coffee, and she heard something upstairs.
She peered round to the stairs where she saw Ryan making his way down.
“What the fuck.”
“Morning to you too.” He was pulling down his t-shirt as went. She tried not to look, but really, that body was too good not to look at.
“Why are you here?”
“Don’t you remember?”
“Clearly not.”
“We had a talk…”
“I remember that.”
“Then you kept drinking, passed out, I brought you home and slept in the spare bed.”
She realised she still had her bra on and tried to remember. “Huh. Did I make a nob of myself?”
“You gave Jess a lap dance when I was in the loo, but I caught most of it.”
“Anything else?”
“You cried a lot.”
She shrugged. “I’ve done worse.”
Ryan smiled as he accepted the cup of tea she passed him, and he remembered the rest of the night. He was standing outside with her, Carl and Jess were bickering ahead, and the others had gone. Em was crying, he had no idea why, and Em leant into him.
He held her as she sobbed into his shirt, he wrapped his coat around her, and her arms went around his body, she felt so good, right where she ought to be.
“Come home with me.” Em’s words slurred, and she stumbled a little, clinging on. He helped her to the taxi and put her in. He texted Carl telling him he had taken Em home as she was in a state, and when he put his phone away, she was out cold.
She took too many risks with herself, and he had seen it when they were out months ago, when she had put her lips on his forehead, and he had wanted her so much it had been painful.
Em was a mess as she slept in the cab. He knew it was partly his fault, but they had both been through so much, and he could help her. He had to, she had no one else, and neither did he.
He woke her up and helped her inside.
He helped her to the bedroom and took off her boots as she flopped down on the bed.
“Em, you’re lucky I’m not a wanker.”
She cracked a lid, and the room spun. “But you are. You’re mean.”
“I’m not really, but I’m a dickhead sometimes.”
“I know, but I don’t care, I love you.” Her chin wobbled, and he froze. “You said no one loved you, but you’re wrong, I love you.” She hiccupped.
He helped her off with her jeans, but she tried to pull him to her. He kissed her forehead and pulled the duvet up, all the while his heart hammered.
He let Cap out and let the fresh air sober him.
She was probably just drunk, but he hoped she wasn’t. He hoped she meant it underneath all the hurt.
“What?” Em asked as they stood in the kitchen.
Ryan blinked as he shook off the memory. “Sorry?”
“You were staring. I did something else, didn’t I? What did I do?”
“Nothing. You were very drunk, though.”
“You don’t approve.”
“I think it’s reckless, but I’m not you, I don’t get to make those decisions for you.”
“No, you don’t.”
“What are you going to do today?”
“Eat. Rest, run later.”
“Would you mind if I went running with you?” he glanced at her and then the floor.
Something happened, she could tell, she was certain he didn’t touch her, but she embarrassed herself. She narrowed her eyes. “Okay. Thank you, for making sure I was all right.”
“Anytime.”
Ryan knocked her door that afternoon. She was in skin-tight running gear. He swallowed. “Mind if I put my blades on here?”
“Nope.” She beamed at him. He kept thinking of pulling her jeans down, the smooth skin of her thighs made him think of them wrapped around his waist. She said she loved him, and she’d been crying because he said he wasn’t loved. His heart stuttered every time it went through his mind.
She barely glanced at his prosthetic feet as she harnessed Cap. He slipped on his black and red running blades from their case and ditched his regular feet. He bounced on them a few times, and she couldn’t help but admire him in them.
“Ready?” he nodded, and they jogged off, slowly at first. They rounded out to the cycle route they had walked once but headed away from town into the fields beyond. They sided along the river for a time, and veered off the route, and onto another path that turned back to Chadford.
They ran in silence, Cap panting with them in the cold but bright day. He held back for her, but it was pleasant and companionable.
They picked up the path that edged a new park that was central to the large and newly built Patworth Estate where Em lived, it meandered into beautiful woods and gardens, they passed a few other runners, and Cap trotted along with them. They followed the gradient of a hill, they pushed through the burn of the exercise and fell into a unified step, breathing through it.
Ryan was impressed with her pace and endurance, it surprised him how strong she was, but eventually she slow
ed, red-faced, and hair damp. She crouched down. Cap sat, tongue lolling as she panted.
Ryan jogged on the spot, unable to be still on his blades.
“Go, and come back, Cap needs a break.”
He beamed. “Can’t do that, you gotta keep going, we have to get back, but we can fast walk the two miles back.”
“Ah shit.” She took some deep breaths and rubbed the back of her legs. “Okay.”
Cap was trotting along next to them as they picked up the pace.
Em fell like a lump onto her floor when they finally got back, just as the sun was setting. Her breath was hard.
“I’m gonna vom.”
Ryan handed her some water. She chugged half, and Cap lapped at her bowl. Ryan sat next to her on the floor, and they lay back in the quiet of her house. His knees were bent, and he stretched his hips and legs side to side. She propped herself up.
“Do they hurt?”
“Not anymore. They did at first, now and again I feel it, but not like it was. I get blisters when I train too hard, and they swell a little sometimes.” His shorts fell up his thighs. They were great thighs. The impulse to touch them made her look away, and she remembered how the hair on them felt against her skin.
She ran her hand over own legs. She felt the stubble on them, tutting.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Come on, what is it?”
“I need to get waxed soon, or my legs are gonna be as hairy as yours.” She had to touch him, and she pushed his knee.
He sat up, hair dishevelled. He looked at her legs and frowned. He tentatively ran the back his hand up her calf, remembering last night again.
“They seem fine to me.”
She laughed in the tension.
“I should go.” He swallowed. She wanted him to stay, more than anything, and she nearly said it. But she clamped her mouth shut.
Jess raised her brow at Em. “Well?” Jess went to see Em on Sunday, and Em was reading.
“Nothing happened. At all.”
“Bollocks.”
The Way Home Page 10
