“True story. He slept upstairs. You can smell him on the pillow if you don’t believe me.”
“Have you smelt the pillow?” Jess made a face.
“Maybe, I’m pathetic, I know.”
“Not at all. I have news.”
“Oh?”
“Carl asked me to move in with him.”
“What?” Em sounded stunned.
“Well, I can’t stand Claire, and I virtually live with him as it is. I haven’t been home in more than a week, I can’t even remember. I love him, he loves me, it makes sense, and it feels right.”
“You were arguing last night.” Em tilted her head, the boozy memory still hazy.
“Yeah, you were bawling your eyes out, arms wrapped around Ryan like he was a life raft. I said Ryan should take you home, but Carl didn’t agree.”
“Why?”
“Because he thinks you two are no good for each other right now.”
Em nodded. “He’s right, but, I’m not angry anymore, not with him.”
“Well, that’s good.”
With his number no longer blocked, Ryan called her on Monday as Em was struggling to work.
“So, I was wondering if you wanted the number of a place where you could get help, they provide counselling, I found a women’s charity, and they have specially trained people.”
“Why do you think I need that?”
“I know you have problems with your mum, but you didn’t tell me much about that guy when you were seventeen, and I think about that dinner a lot, about how you sounded and the way you said things, about him in particular. I think this place might be of help to you.”
“Okay, thanks, I’ll call them. How are you?”
“Good, I um, wanted to ask you if you wanted to go out for dinner.”
“Yes, but not yet, the thing is, I don’t trust myself around you. Running was nice, it was too nice.”
“It was fun, and I enjoyed it. What you need at the minute is a friend. That’s what we’re going to be. Okay?”
“Okay.”
Em sat on her bed when the call ended. She opened her bedside drawer and smiled at purple-Ryan-the-vibrator that Jess had bought her for her birthday, and pulled out the two leaflets from the fair. She brushed her finger over Ryan’s face, it was only small, and he stood at the back of a staff photo, arms folded, blank face.
She took a deep breath and opened the other leaflet. She read down the list of numbers, and the number Ryan gave her was on it. She rang it, and after a brief conversation, she had an appointment for a week’s time.
Em drove into Chadford and found the offices. The charity was in a secure building and took a whole floor. Doctor Portlock was a prim woman in her late thirties, with a very short bob and large amber earrings. She was warm and engaging, and under her softness lay a brutality pertinent to her profession.
She poked and pushed so that those fifty minutes left Em so drained that she didn’t want to drive. She wandered into the high street, numb and exhausted. Anxiety sat in her belly, clawing at her insides. Her heart was too loud, and her eyes trailed the people passing her in a whirl. She felt the prickle of sweat all over her body.
Yet she appeared normal, wandering the city centre. The world was vivid to her, clearer, her vision saw everything, but couldn’t feel it.
Her impulse was to go to a pub, to ring Ryan, to cling to him, to lose herself in him. But he was right, she needed him as a friend just then, and she needed him. She glanced at her phone, realising he’d be at work.
She tapped a short text message to him and found a café. She studied her tea as if the world depended on it. Doctor Portlock’s words went around in her head.
“Tell me about Dom.” Em felt bile rising, and she swallowed it. All thoughts of him were covered over with sex, dancing, and partying.
He had never been violent with her, but he manipulated her into things she would have never chosen to do herself. That was what kept needling at her. She was never forced but made to feel that she wanted to, that it would make him happy, and therefore make her happy.
She sighed. Her phone didn’t ring once before she answered it when Ryan rang her.
“What’s wrong?”
She paused a beat too long, not trusting her voice. “Counselling sucks balls.”
He chuckled, and she half-laughed, half-sobbed.
“Where are you, I’ll come to you.”
“No, no. I want you to, but I know what I’ll want.”
“Do you think I can’t resist you?”
“Thanks.” How sobering.
“I’d like to see you.”
“I’m in a weird frame of mind where I’ll make bad decisions. I should learn to do this by myself.”
“I’m here for you. Just call me anytime, I mean it. Promise me. I can keep myself in check.”
“I promise.” She did some deep breathing exercises and drank her tea, and made her way home.
Em sat in her car, and Cap yipped. The weather had turned nasty and was blowing a gale outside. It was Halloween, and to celebrate Jess moving into Carl’s house, they were having a fancy dress party.
Em had rolled her eyes at that. She had spent her time dancing, working out, writing, and dealing with counselling. She hadn’t been out or seen Jess, Dan, or even Ryan.
She spoke to him a few times, holding back, she had to, but she wanted him. He was so kind to her, trying hard for her. He was thoughtful and sweet, and everything.
Em spent a lot of time thinking about their relationship, or lack thereof. How difficult it must be for him, he was working so hard on himself, what else could she do but do the same.
Her respect for him, her admiration shone, but at the same time, she diminished before him, she was shitter and shitter, as she dredged up the past.
Carl’s house was a little terrace, but nice. Ryan was in there with everyone. Her stomach dipped with nerves. Cap barked, and she petted her. She didn’t know what she would do without her. She practised her deep breathing, pressing the tips of her fingers together.
She got out of the car, and Cap followed.
Em wore a white leotard that she had marker penned a skeleton onto, over which was a floaty white slip. She had contoured a sunken skull like the mask in makeup onto her face.
The party was in full swing, and she was two hours late. She knocked the door and was greeted by a zombie. All the military guys were dressed as zombies. The guy had no arm and left off his prosthetic, and he stretched out his one arm and moaned.
“Brains.”
“You’re shit out of luck mate.” Em looked at him flatly, and he gestured her in with an appropriate groan.
She spoke to a few people, took a beer, but didn’t drink it, she let Cap take the attention, and she hung back. The place was packed. She gravitated to the kitchen, and Jess spotted her.
“Oh my God, you look amazing!” Jess was already a little drunk. Em smiled.
“You too.”
Jess had gone with a sexy cat. Carl greeted Em, the only one of the group that did, and finally she saw Dan, who had come as Elvis. She gave him a big hug. He picked her up and whispered in her ear.
“I missed you.”
“You too. You look ace.”
Dan did his best impersonation. “Thank you very much.” Dan introduced her to a guy, Simon, the first one ever, short and adorable, and the way Dan looked at him made her happy.
“How did you two meet?”
Simon grinned. “Well, Dan works in the same office as my mum, and they all went out for a drink after work, and I know the girl a bit, so I went along, and we just hit it off.” His eyes sparkled at Dan.
“That’s so nice.”
She searched for Ryan but didn’t see him. Em was once the centre of attention, it was a spot she had occupied with confidence, but she couldn’t do it now. Something had changed for her.
She wandered through to the dining room where lou
d house music thumped, the table was laden with food, and people she knew dancing and laughing. In the front room, people were just standing about, the music quieter. She didn’t see Ryan.
She went out back, to where a few people hung out, and saw him. He was deep in conversation with a woman. Em’s jaw clenched, and she felt sick. He was facing away from her. The woman, pretty with chestnut hair, shivered, and he rubbed his hands over the top of her arms to warm her. He laughed, such a gruff noise, and she wished it was her that he was laughing with.
She wasn’t his, and she had never been, not really. One night, that was all they shared, and he said it himself, he only wanted to be friends because she needed that. She pulled her lips into her mouth, the ball of tension and anxiety radiated through her, and she went back inside.
Cap was snuffling for treats from drunk people as they fussed her. Em wanted to go home and lie down and go to sleep.
She shuddered as she went into the front room, Jess was drunk, and she wouldn’t notice she had left. She couldn’t stay.
She retrieved Cap, excited and full of sausage rolls, and saw Ryan slipping back inside, with the beautiful woman at his side. She made herself blank.
“Em,” He frowned, obviously not expecting to see her.
She forced her throat to work. “Hi.”
He had white makeup and fake zombie gore over his face, his hair suitably dishevelled, and gorgeous, even like that.
“Do you want a drink?”
“No, no, I um, was about to make a move. Cap doesn’t like fireworks.”
“Oh.” His eyes bore into her.
“Hi.” The woman approached, and Em tried to be calm and not burst into tears.
“Hello.” Em smiled, but she was sure she looked a little wild. “It was nice seeing you, Ryan.” She made herself look at him, but turned away, focusing on Cap.
“Wait, um, how are things?”
Em glanced at the woman, pinned to his side. “Fine. Good. I have to go.” She didn’t feel her feet as she walked, and realised she didn’t feel anything at all. Nothing. It was as if she was watching herself leave the house; she couldn't feel the cold or anything. When she made her car, Cap nuzzled and whined at her, knowing something was wrong with her human. Em gripped the steering wheel until her knuckles were white and her fingers cramped. She screamed when someone knocked on her car window, making Cap bark.
Ryan frowned as he bent down to her. She couldn’t do this. She wasn’t strong enough. She wet her lips and tried to feel enough to function.
She wound the window down as she stroked Cap to calm her down, and the traitor licked at Ryan’s hand when he leant on the open window.
“Em, are you all right?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“You’re not.”
“I am. You should go in, it’s cold.”
“I’m worried about you.”
“No need.” She smiled at him. Maybe this was for the best. He was too good for her, and he deserved to be happy, not lumbered with her. The woman was hovering at the front door, watching them. “Your date is waiting for you.” She smiled brightly. “She seems nice. You deserve that. Goodbye Ryan.”
He scowled, and she even missed that annoyance on his face. “That’s Rosie, the nurse, but she’s just a friend.”
“I don’t think she feels that way. You really are clueless, aren’t you?” Em laughed, but Ryan only scowled more.
“Em, no, it isn’t that way. No.” His eyes widened.
“I have to get going.” She was near tears and had to get away from him. She started the car, reversed, and moved off making him stand back from her car. He whipped his head back to Rosie, and she held his gaze for a moment and then turned away.
He took deep breaths, the cold air burnt in him. He felt odd, dangerous, he had made some progress with Em, but he felt it slipping away, he kept his distance, thinking she needed that, but she didn’t, she needed him with her.
He walked to Rosie. “Do you know who she is?”
She folded her arms. “Yes.”
“She said she thinks you, that you and I are a thing.” He watched the embarrassment crawl up her face. “Fuck, Rosie, she could tell, she thinks I don’t…never mind.”
He turned from her, leaving her on the doorstep, and made his way to Em’s. He rang a taxi, and only arrived ten minutes after her. The whole way over, he thought of Rosie. She had been the one to introduce him to Em’s books. She was the one that urged him to take the job when Capta offered it to him.
A good friend, no more, he never considered her to be anything else. They didn’t spend that much time together, and she had never given any indication she felt that way about him. Em had seen it. She had instantly understood Rosie’s feelings, but not his. It was as if she was blind when it came to him.
She couldn’t fathom his want of her, and she loathed herself too much to accept it. He wouldn’t let her shut him out, nor walk away from him, just like he couldn’t walk away from her.
He hammered her door. “Em! Let me in.”
She hadn’t even made it to the bathroom but sat on the floor with Cap fussing around her, whining. Em pulled herself up, confused, unthinking, and opened it.
Almost feral, his hands went to the frame. “I’m not with her. I’m not, don’t you understand, I’m yours. I’m trying to do the right thing for you, for us, so get this into your head. I’m not seeing anyone else, I only want you.”
He cupped her face in his hands, his thumbs smudging her makeup as he swept the tears that fell. His eyes were intense, jaw set, Em kept breathing, and it was all she was capable of. Her knees started to give, and letting go of her face, he held her tightly. He walked them in and shut the door. One hand moved to cradle the back of her head.
“I have you. I have you.” She opened her eyes, and almost shook her head, but he lifted her up to his mouth and pressed his lips to hers.
Her body came to life, and she wrapped herself around him. His tongue was hot against hers when he pulled away, she whimpered.
“Look at me.” She made herself do it. “Talk to me.” He put her down, she went to the bathroom, and he followed. She looked in the mirror as he waited perched on the toilet lid, transfixed. Her movements were lethargic but controlled. She opened a jar of coconut oil, scooped some out, and warmed it in her hands, and rubbed it into her face. The makeup broke down into a grey paste, she used cotton wool to get it off.
Her face, red, still smudged with makeup stared back at her, expressionless. Turning to Ryan, Em ran her fingers through his hair, sweeping back it from his face, and removed his makeup before washing her own with a flannel and soap. He followed suit when she was done, both completely silent. When he dried his face, she summoned the will to speak.
“I use sex and my sexuality to cover for my repulsiveness.”
He frowned at her. “What part of you is repulsive?”
“There’s part that likes to go for the pain, that self-destructs, that did stupid things, that pushed you away, that makes a dick of myself, fuck, everything I do. I’ve wondered why I dropped my life to care for a man I didn’t know. I think I was looking for an excuse to leave. But the thing is, I loved that life. That’s what I can’t understand. I love sex, I loved that confidence I had in it, it was real, but at the same time it was covering up all the ugliness of my past.
“Do you want to know what I’ve come to understand? I want you to hate me. How fucked up is that? I hate me, why wouldn’t you? I think I would purposefully mess this up, because I know don’t deserve it.” She laughed bitterly.
“I understand that. I don’t accept it, though. I fucked us up, I was unkind to you, and then I was brutal to you. We both made mistakes. That’s past. Here is where we are. Both of us are a bit fucked up, and we’re both working on it.”
She rested her hip on the sink. “You’ve changed.”
“I’ve had reason to. You, us, it matters. I want to be better,
for me so that I can be for you. It’s not easy, and I’m probably going to get it wrong. So bear with me if I do. Okay?”
“Okay.”
He stood up, his height filling the little room. “I want to stay with you, but I’m not,” he didn’t finish as she reached up and pulled him into a kiss. He had her up against the sink in a second, perching her on the edge of the vanity. His hands were everywhere, her body everything he remembered and needed. “Em, I want you.”
“Please, please stay with me.”
“Fuck.” He kissed down her neck, pulling off the white floaty dress, and tried to push down the leotard. “How the fuck do you take this off?” he kept pulling at it, and she started laughing. “Seriously, for fuck’s sake.”
She laughed harder at his exasperation until she snorted, and he gave up. He put his hands either side of her and rested his head on hers. She shuffled back and pushed down one shoulder, pulled her arm through, and he took care of the rest. She put her hands on his shoulders, he, undid her bra, letting it fall, and he gave her that little smile as he looked at her breasts. He kissed all around them, and down her belly. He caught her eye as he pulled down her thong, lids heavy, lips parted.
He knelt down and pushed her legs apart. She panted harder as he kissed up the inside of her thigh, and bit it gently and sucked then licked until she shivered.
“Ryan.” She said it so quietly as he ran his tongue upwards, and she arched back and called out when his lips landed between her legs. He explored every part of her, but when he sucked on her clit, she virtually vaulted up. He held on tight, and she came loudly as he worked her.
She slumped down, half in the sink, and he grinned as he stood up, pulling her into his arms, and carrying her into her bedroom. He couldn’t look away from her as she was so beautiful, flushed, and naked.
He put her carefully on the bed and stood up.
Her eyes never left him as he undressed. He did it slowly, letting her watch. He undid his jeans and left his feet in them as he knelt on the bed.
“Condoms?”
She pointed. He opened the little drawer and froze. He lifted out the purple vibrator and raised his brows at Em.
Her skin was on fire. “Jess bought it for my birthday, to keep me company. Guess what I named it?”
The Way Home Page 11
