Joshua's Folly

by Dean, Taylor

  “Stop what?”

  “Stop trying to pretend that everything is fine. It’s not fine and it never will be. Please, you don’t have to do this.”

  “Do what?”

  “Try to make amends. It’s not your fault. You were just being honest with me. I’m the one who took off in the truck. I take full responsibility for my actions. You don’t owe me anything.”

  “I do, actually,” he said, his eyes intense.

  “You don’t. This has been nothing more than the silly imaginings of a childhood crush. Let’s not make this into more than it really is.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  It was time to explain. Keeping her childhood fantasies a secret didn’t seem to matter much anymore. After all, there was no need to worry about scaring him off. She’d done that all on her own. Surely he must think her possessive. Crazy lady possessive. Kill a bunny and put it on the stove to boil possessive. Maybe that’s why he’s so nervous. He’s unsure how I’ll react. Good job, Marisa. You sure know how to put on a show.

  A sweet little childhood story can’t possibly tarnish her reputation any more than she’d already tarnished it with her own actions. Be prepared, Josh. I’m fixin’ to tell you a whopper. “On my first night at Mary’s I was terrified, even though they were good to me and I knew I was with a kind and loving family again.” The memory was vivid in her mind; the pain, the angst, the utter sadness. “Still, I couldn’t sleep. Mary had left the hall light on. From my bed I had this perfect view of the hallway where all of her family photos hung. I remember thinking they were all strangers and the feeling of being alone overwhelmed me. But then a picture caught my eye. It was illuminated by the light more so than any of the other pictures. I got out of bed to look at it. It was a picture of a young man with piercing blue eyes. He had a huge, easy smile as if he was laughing when the photographer had captured the moment. The picture was taken outside and his black hair was slightly windblown. I was mesmerized. I couldn’t stop looking at the picture. His eyes looked so kind and he looked so happy. Mary came to check on me then and asked me what I was doing. I asked her, ‘Who is this?’ She said it was a picture of her nephew who lived in Texas. His name was Joshua. You were, I don’t know, around fifteen in the picture. Just a boy, but at the time you seemed larger than life to an eleven year old. I said, ‘He’s very handsome.’ She agreed. I said, ‘He reminds me of a prince in a fairy tale, the one who always comes to save the damsel in distress.’ She said, ‘Yes, Joshua is that kind of man, the one who would always save anyone who needed his help.’ I think she sensed my restlessness, my uneasiness at being in a new home. She said she would be right back, that she had something for me. When she returned she tucked me back into bed and gave me a small picture of you, the same picture that was on the wall. She put it under my pillow and told me that now Joshua would always be with me, watching over me like a guardian angel. If I had a nightmare, he would be my prince and chase away all of the bad. She doesn’t know it, but I’ve slept every night of my life with that picture under my pillow. So you see, you were in my dreams, always there and always making me feel safe.”

  Josh closed his eyes and ran his hands over his freshly shaven face as if he had stubble. At his expression of pain, she added, “Don’t worry, you’re off the hook, Joshua. All of this has just been the imaginings of a silly childhood crush. I knew I was in love with you before I even came here, before I’d even met you. I’ve been in love with you since I was eleven. Silly, huh? I didn’t even know you.” Her eyes flickered away from his.

  “I…I never realized…” he stammered. “I had no idea,” he remarked slowly, taking it all in. He stared deeply into her eyes as if seeing her, really seeing her for the first time. “Wow,” he whispered, clearly speechless. His next words confirmed it. “I…I don’t even know what to say to that.”

  “You don’t need to say anything.”

  “But I do. I’m taken aback. You caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting a…history between us.”

  “I think our history is a little one sided. And I think it qualifies me as a confirmed stalker,” she added sarcastically, hiding her true emotions. “I only told you so you would understand why I reacted the way I did. It’s not your fault, Josh. It’s all me and my ridiculous imagination.”

  “It was so much more than that, Marisa,” he commented enigmatically.

  After a few moments of silence, he cleared his throat and changed the subject. “Mary told me about the accident; that you were in the car with your parents. I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.”

  Marisa said nothing. She didn’t like to talk about it and she knew he was wondering why she’d never told him.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Josh asked.

  “Not really. There’s nothing to say. It happened. I survived. End of story,” she said quietly, her voice cracking on the last word. She cringed inside at how cold she sounded.

  “I don’t think that’s healthy.”

  “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound insensitive. I don’t like to dwell on it. It was a very painful time in my life. I had to put it behind me in order to move on. I visit my parents’ graves once a year. That’s the time when I remember them, and when I think about what happened.” Marisa dashed at the tears that escaped without permission. “Other than that, I push it out of my mind. It’s the only way to cope.” She’d have to do the same with Josh. Only he wasn’t dead. Her parents didn’t have a choice at their separation. He did.

  “I understand.”

  “Talking about it just makes me relive it.”

  “I can only imagine.” Another long silence ensued. “Marisa, I’d like to apologize, I know my actions were…”

  “Don’t, please. I get it, okay? You don’t need to explain. This hasn’t been real anyway. I don’t have much experience with this sort of thing and I jumped to conclusions. It was just a fantasy in my head that actually came to life. It wouldn’t have worked out, I know that. We’re too different from each other. We come from completely different backgrounds. I’m sorry I caused a scene. I’m embarrassed to have been so much trouble. I’m sorry for the things I said last night at dinner too. I was being childish. Can we just forget about everything, please?”

  Josh was quiet for at least a full minute, his eyes never leaving hers. “What if I don’t want to forget?”

  “Excuse me?” Marisa’s heart began to beat a little faster.

  “I said, I don’t want to forget.”

  “Y-you don’t?”

  “No, I don’t. Will you come with me, please? I’d like to have this conversation in the Folly. I’ll carry you.”

  “Is this the ‘we can be friends’ speech? Because if it is, save your breath. There’s no need…” She sounded so petulant, so huffy—so guarded. What must he think of her?

  She could hardly imagine them as friends. Wouldn’t it be super to receive the obligatory ‘let’s keep in touch’ email from him?

  To: Marisa@CaliforniaGirl.net

  From: Joshua@TexasRanch.com

  Hey, Marisa!

  How’s life treating you? Miss you lots. Hope you are doing well. The weather is great here and the Folly is beautiful. Wish you were here!

  Take care.

  Sincerely,

  Josh

  No, thanks.

  “No, Marisa. Friendship is not what I want from you,” Josh said, his eyes resolute.

  Whoa. Wait. What?

  He doesn’t want to be friends? At all? Ever? “You don’t want to be friends?” Marisa asked impulsively.

  “I want that…and so much more,” he said, his eyes, again, intense and concentrated.

  “More? I’m not following you.” He was confusing her. What does he mean?

  Josh scooped her up into his arms and carried her into the Folly, which was no easy feat with the weight of her cast involved, yet probably easier than hauling her up and down stairs all the time. She didn’t protest. He made it seem as though she was as light as a f
eather as he carried her effortlessly, without even breaking a sweat or breathing hard. Marisa gave in to her desires. She wrapped her arms around his neck and held on tight, resting her head on his shoulder, imagining that nothing had changed between them, that she could still slap a kiss on his lips whenever she wanted. If only.

  Joshua’s Folly inside of Joshua’s Folly.

  Perfect. Just perfect.

  When they came across a bench, he set her down—ensuring that her casted leg was comfortable—and sat next to her. The warm sun beat down on them as they sat amongst the trees and flowers. The birds chirped almost incessantly. It was peaceful and serene, as if they were suddenly in another world. After spending days in bed, being outside made her feel alive again. And she realized that she wanted to be alive, to live, to experience what life has to offer. Even if Josh was not a part of her future, she was glad she hadn’t died in the car accident. She was young, and there was so much more in store for her.

  But she wanted that life to include Josh. She might find happiness elsewhere, but she’d always pine for him. Always.

  He was quiet for a long while, so she said nothing, simply enjoying the serenity of the Folly. Whatever it was he wanted to talk about, it wasn’t easy for him to put it into words. That much was clear. He felt responsible for her accident and was, perhaps, trying to formulate some sort of meaningful apology. Understandably, he felt ‘sorry’ wasn’t enough. Let the violin words commence. How could she convince him that her impulsive actions were all her fault, not his?

  “You know, Marisa, I’ve been thinkin’ a lot lately about my life,” he started, and Marisa knew the ‘explanations’ had begun. She wished he’d just leave well enough alone. “The things that happen to us while we’re young can have a great effect on our older selves if we let them. Unfortunately, I’ve let them. Someone once said to me that we’re all damaged in that way. Little things can affect us. Like the fact that someone in grade school teased us about our hair color or said we have a big nose. Then we grow up and have a complex about it all our lives. The events of our childhood always leave their mark on our adult lives. It’s crazy, but true.”

  Marisa let that sink in. It was true that she was a different person since her parents had passed. Her life was forever changed in that one small moment. Yes, she’d experienced damage. Major damage.

  “I’m impressed with how you’ve gone on with your life after facing tragedy. You picked yourself up and showed everyone what you’re made of. You’re a strong woman.”

  She said nothing, her eyebrows deeply furrowed. Please stop, Josh. You can’t make it better.

  “Did you know that I remember the day my mother left? I was three years old, but it was very traumatic. I cried for hours. I was inconsolable. I remember it perfectly, not every detail of course, but I remember pieces of it so clearly it scares me. Mary held me for hours. She took the place of my mother for a number of years.” He let out his breath heavily as if it was exhausting to speak of such things.

  “I was twelve when Mary left. I don’t blame her for leaving, but it wasn’t a good day for me. My father said boys don’t cry, so I didn’t. She and my father were fighting. There was a lot of yelling and I really didn’t understand what was going on. All I knew was the only real mother I had known was leaving me. I ran off for the day and didn’t go home till long after dark. That was the day I carved my name into the old oak tree. It’s always been a reminder of that day for me. Of course, we both know that it holds an entirely new memory now, a much better one at that.” He went on quickly before she could debate the comment. “At any rate, my dad was furious with me for taking off and grounded me for life after that.”

  He was quiet for a minute, contemplating his confessions, clearly uncomfortable with speaking about his past. Marisa had to admit, her interest was piqued. “I think I only served about two weeks of that life sentence,” he scoffed. “Dad’s final marriage didn’t last long. Long enough for a young boy to realize what he was missing, though. His new wife was always good to me. Again, it was a dark day when she left,” he said as he ran his hand through his hair, wearily. She knew, instinctively, it wasn’t easy for him to put the events of his life into words. Each thought was passing his lips almost begrudgingly. Why was he telling her all of this? Why the sudden introspection? Josh went on as if he had to get it all out before he closed up like a clamshell. He spoke softly and she had to strain to hear every word. “He was a hard man, my dad. I knew at a young age that I had a choice to make. I could become like him, temperamental and angry at the world or I could see him for what he was and vow to never be like him. I chose the latter. I did share his love for the ranch though. The only time I ever left it was during my college years. Even then, I was home most weekends. Then I met Elizabeth and we married. She felt so isolated and bored at the ranch, she was literally going stir crazy. Regardless, our marriage was not a good one. I thought that having a child might bring us together, but it only made things worse. As you already know, she left when Bethany was only six weeks old. But there are other things that you don’t know, Marisa.”

  Okay, he had her attention now. Marisa turned on the bench and faced him. He did the same, maintaining direct eye contact.

  “Before she left she announced to me that she wasn’t even sure Bethany was my child. The way she said it implied it could have been a number of men.”

  Marisa tried to hide her shock at this revelation and failed.

  “She left mentally long before she actually left physically. She often took off for several days at a time into town. She said she was shopping. I suspected otherwise but never voiced my suspicions.” His face darkened. “It wasn’t a good marriage, Marisa.” He hesitated, but then seemed intent on his next disclosure. “We only made love a handful of times during the one year marriage, and even that wasn’t good. The only good thing that came out of it was Bethany. As far as I’m concerned, she is my child.”

  Marisa now knew why the husband and wife coming together for the first time on their wedding night was so important to him. After facing a bad marriage, he wanted complete and total fidelity. She understood him a little better now. “Don’t you want to know if Bethany is really your child or not?”

  “I had six weeks with Bethany before Elizabeth decided to confess the truth. Six weeks may not seem like a long time in the scheme of things, but when you’re with an infant, it seems like an eternity. I’d already bonded with Bethany. I couldn’t give her up to some man that’d had a one night stand with my wife. I wanted her and Elizabeth willingly gave me full custody. Bethany is my child,” he repeated.

  “You’re a good man, Joshua. The best,” Marisa whispered.

  Abruptly, he began to pace in front of her for a few minutes. The earlier silence fell upon them, till he stood in front of her and interrupted it. “I suppose you’re wonderin’ why I’ve told you all of this. I grew up with my father telling me that women don’t like it at the ranch. I saw it happen over and over. It became a fact of life for me. I’ve let it affect me. I’ve let it affect my future decisions and relationships. I lied to myself and to the woman that I love.” He let out his breath heavily and then added, “I won’t do that anymore.”

  Marisa was very quiet as his spontaneous actions suddenly made sense in her overwrought mind.

  “I haven’t been thinkin’ about anyone’s feelings but my own. I was protecting myself from the woman that I do have feelings for. I was scared to bring another woman to the ranch, scared of rejection, scared of heartache, scared of watching another woman leave.” He was quiet for several moments. And then he added, casually, “I’m not scared now.”

  Marisa stared at him blankly, wondering if he was saying what she thought he was saying.

  “I met this beautiful young lady recently. I fell in love with her almost immediately. She was so young and had so much life ahead of her. I knew I couldn’t ask her to live at the ranch. Her life had just barely begun. She had things she wanted to do. I convinced mysel
f she’d leave me, just like every other woman in my life. So I decided to send her away, sayin’ things I didn’t mean, thinking I was doing the right thing, the decent thing. Her response surprised me. I guess I didn’t fully realize what I meant to her.”

  “Are…are you talking about me?” Marisa asked, feeling slow. Maybe she’d fallen asleep and this was all a dream.

  He smiled, the first real smile she’d seen on his face all day. “Yeah, I’m talking about you.”

  Marisa didn’t seem to have the ability to speak anymore as she breathed, “Oh.”

  He knelt down in front of her, cradling her face in his hands. “What I want to say, what I’m tryin’ to say—but not very well is—can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me?”

  Her bottom lip began to quiver of its own accord. She bobbed her head up and down, unable to verbalize a single word.

  “I love you…” he whispered as he looked upon her fixedly.

  Marisa felt her eyes fill up with tears.

  “I love you,” he said again, this time louder and with more conviction. “I’ve loved you since the day I met you at the airport, since the moment you said, I can put my hair in pigtails if you want. You were so young, so carefree. I knew in that moment that I loved you. I’ve been a lost cause ever since.” A tear escaped and ran down her cheek. He kissed her softly on the lips and wiped away the tear. “It’s always been you, Marisa.”

  “Me?”

  “Yes, you, sweetheart. Let me do this right this time around,” he whispered.

  “Do what right?”

  “Tell you how I feel about you.”

  “You’re doing just fine already,” she said, unable to hide her smile.

  He smiled too. “Marisa, I find you beautiful, charming, vibrant, full of life. I’m completely captivated by you…” Marisa covered her mouth with her trembling hand as Josh repeated the same words he’d said to her on that fateful day. She recognized the words immediately; they were etched on her suddenly-healing broken heart. Unable to contain herself, she started to cry as Josh continued, “…even intrigued. I love your passion for life. You make me laugh, even when I don’t feel like laughing. I love your quick mind, and I find myself extremely attracted to you…” he paused for only a moment, “…and I am completely, totally, and wildly, in love with you…and I always have been,” he whispered tenderly. Tears poured down her cheeks and he wiped them away with his thumbs. His lips were only an inch from hers as he said, “Marry me, Marisa.”