Zombie Rules

by Achord, David

  “That’s not fair Zach.” She responded in a scolding tone, like she really thought all of this was in fact my fault.

  “So enlighten me, please.” I should not have asked. If I remember correctly, she said I was poor, immature, an underachiever, and not going anywhere in life. I was deluding myself into thinking I’d get a full scholarship in a silly little sport like track. She said a few other things which succeeded in tearing down my self-esteem even lower, but I don’t remember all of the insults. My brain kind of went into vapor lock at some point during the one-sided conversation.

  I listened in silence. When she was finished, I hung up without saying a word. She sent me a text a few minutes later. ‘It’s for the best, please don’t hate me.’ I did not hate her. I loved her, which made it worse. I cried some, and then fell asleep in the middle of a news alert about a bad outbreak of flu in the Middle East. I vaguely remembered the commentator reminding people to get their flu shot.

  I had bad dreams. I had dreams of people chasing me and beating me. Dreams of finding Macie and Jason having sex. They would be engrossed in carnal ecstasy. I would shout at Macie, only to have Jason look at me and smirk. I’d jerk awake, which tortured me with spasms of pain.

  I finally made it until morning. I struggled out of bed and saw my phone had text messages waiting. My heart skipped a beat. For some stupid reason I thought it may have been Macie begging for me to take her back. Like I said, stupid. Very stupid.

  The caller ID showed the calls were blocked. The first text was a link to a You Tube video. The subsequent texts were just a series of “lolololol.” I clicked the link. There I was, getting my ass kicked all over again. I watched as I tried to hit Jason. I saw the anger on his face as he blocked my punch and decked me. Then his friends ran up and started kicking me. Much to my surprise, Jason pushed them away and made them stop. There was an expression on his face. Concern maybe? I guess I should have been grateful. If those two had not been stopped, I would have been in much worse shape. Macie just sat there on her stoop, smoking a cigarette, and watching with an air of indifference.

  Yeah, I cried some more. My self-esteem was now officially lower than whale shit at the bottom of the ocean.

  After a while, I struggled out of bed, didn’t bother with a shower, and spent a futile half hour trying to clean the graffiti off of the house. I had a scrub brush with a bucket of hot water and Pine Sol, but I just could not scrub for more than a few seconds before the pain would make me stop. I finally gave up. In my current condition, I did not have the strength or energy. I went back inside and lay down.

  The doorbell rang approximately ten minutes later, right about the time I was nodding off. Of course, my heart leapt. I thought it might be Macie. I struggled out of bed. No again. It was Felix. He had a big basket of food, beverages, and his Xbox. He made a jerk with his head, indicating to me to get out of the way, and walked to the kitchen.

  “I told my parents there was no way you’d come over, so my mom fixed us up with some food. And you’re not going to believe this, but dad even snuck us some beer! Have you eaten yet?” I shook my head. Felix nodded and made a couple of peanut butter sandwiches. I normally would have smiled, but I did not have it in me. “Alright, you go sit down, enjoy the sandwiches, and take it easy. I’ll clean off the paint. Don’t you worry about a thing, your old buddy Felix is here.”

  Felix labored over the paint for a couple of hours. He succeeded in getting it all removed, but now there were these off-colored spots on the siding that were lighter in color. If one looked closely, the words could still be seen. At one point I logged on to my Facebook page. I was not surprised when I saw some derogatory comments posted. Oh, and Macie was no longer on my friends list. No surprise there. I read the comments, some were supportive, but others were very cruel. Felix walked in as I was looking at it. He looked over my shoulder at the screen and sighed. “I’m sorry bro. People can be really shitty sometimes.”

  “Not your fault Felix. Not your fault.” I held the tears in, deleted my account and turned the laptop off.

  We spent the rest of the afternoon eating and watching TV. At one point Felix grabbed the remote control and turned the volume up. “Hey, check this out.” It was a special news report. The news person, a young auburn haired woman with a nice chest, large mouth and very white teeth, was commentating about the flu bug.

  “News reports out of the Mideast indicate that a deadly strain of flu is reaching pandemic proportions. Hospitals and clinics are reporting being overrun with patients. We’re now going live in Cairo with CNN foreign correspondent Jim Denzing. Jim?”

  The screen shot changed to a handsome but haggard looking man standing in front of what appeared to be a chaotic hospital emergency room. His shirt was soiled with sweat and his tie was pulled down. He had not shaved in a couple of days, but the look worked for him. There was the sound of sirens, and men in uniforms were in the background. They were all carrying assault rifles and running around in every direction. It looked like a huge cluster fuck.

  There was a momentary pause as the satellite relayed the message for Jim to start talking. “Lacy, the best way to describe what I am seeing is total pandemonium. A nonstop stream of patients has been showing up throughout the evening and there is no end in sight. We’ve had unconfirmed reports some of the patients are very violent and the soldiers may have even shot some of them. Little is known about the cause of the outbreak or why it is escalating so quickly.” Jim paused for a moment and held his earpiece.

  “Okay, I’m being asked if there are any fatalities as a result of this apparent flu bug. We have asked medical personnel and they refer us to the military, who refuse to comment. The answer is elusive, but it is believed that the fatalities are somewhat high.” There was a sudden sound of gunfire out of the view of the camera and Jim instinctively ducked down.

  “I’m terribly sorry about that Lacy. What you and our viewers cannot see is what appears to be a violent confrontation between soldiers and some civilians. We’re going to pan the camera around so you can get a view. I must caution the viewing audience that this is a live feed and there may be disturbing images.” The camera turned approximately 180 degrees. There, in living color, were soldiers being attacked. They were shooting back, but even though the people attacking them were unarmed, the soldiers appeared to be losing the battle. The live feed lasted approximately five seconds before the live feed went blank. The last scene appeared to be barricades being overrun by a swarm of people.

  “Crazy shit man.” Felix said and turned the channel. We spent the rest of the night watching Ironman movies or playing on the Xbox.

  My Grandmother was buried on the Monday after Thanksgiving weekend. Her pastor officiated. The congregation of the church she infrequently attended had contributed toward a simple service and cremation afterward. There were only a few people in attendance. Felix and his parents were there of course, and some of the old farts, who had known Grandma for a few years, attended. I did not know any of them personally. I would say hello to them and thank them for coming. I tried to be polite, but I swear, every one of them were coughing and wheezing. Nothing is more disgusting than an old person with phlegm filled coughs. I kept my distance from them.

  I struggled through it all reasonably well I think. I had hoped Macie would make an appearance. She would see how much I was hurting and comfort me, and beg me for forgiveness, and all that stupid shit. She never showed.

  When I could not take it anymore, I snuck into an empty office, locked the door, and cried in private, but only for an hour or so.

  Chapter 6 - Exodus

  Rick was waiting on me when I arrived at my little home. He was parked on the side of the road in his nice shiny Dodge Ram dually. His truck was a direct contradiction to his personal grooming. It was always clean and had a perpetual coat of fresh wax on it. This evening, he had a box trailer hooked up to it. When he exited his truck, he looked around as if we were being spied upon and then quickly limped up
to me. His limp was due to a bum leg, courtesy of Vietnam.

  “I don’t go to funerals. Hate ‘em. People act really stupid and say stupid shit. So, here is the obligatory, I’m sorry for your loss and all that bullshit. Now let’s go inside and talk. It’s getting cold out.”

  I fixed coffee and we sat in the kitchen at a faux walnut dining table. It was clean, but had its share of dents and nicks. When I turned the lights on, Rick started looking at me with a frown. “What the hell happened to you? Your face looks like a football. You get in a fight or something?” I filled him in, and even showed him the video. He shook his head. “That’s jacked up brother. The world is a jacked up place and it’s getting worse by the minute.” He took a long sip of coffee and stared at me intently. “Are you going to get some payback?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know how, but I’d like to someday.”

  Rick nodded. “When you’re ready, you let me know. I’ll have your back. I may be an old drunk with a bum leg, but I’m a sneaky bastard and I can still shoot.” I nodded solemnly but I did not really know what to say. Sure, I wanted revenge on all of them, including the girl who videotaped it. But, I never even considered anything having to do with guns. Hell, I was thinking of stuff like slashing their tires or egging their house. Sneaky shit without any confrontation.

  He refilled his cup, retrieved a half pint of cheap whiskey from his jacket pocket, and laced the coffee with a generous dollop. I shook my head. He shrugged and then fixed me again with a serious stare. “Alright, it’s time to talk about some serious stuff.” Hence, the serious stare. “I’m going to lay it all out for you and then you’ll need to make some serious decisions. Since you’re just sixteen, some fat ugly heifer with the Department of Children’s Services will be coming around here pretty soon. No matter what you say or do, they’re going to put you in a foster home until you’re eighteen.” He paused and took a drink, presumably to let the statement sink in.

  “Now, the way I see it, you can go talk to your friend’s parents and I think they’d take you in. You’re a damn good kid and you’re that nerdy gay kid’s best friend. It’d be a good home for you. But I think I got a better idea.” He motioned at me with his mug. Some of its contents sloshed over the rim. “Let’s pack your shit right now and you come live with me. I’ve already cleared it with the Parsons.”

  I started to reply but he held up a hand. “I don’t know if you’ve been watching the news these past few days, but there’s something really weird happening. Something really bad. People all over the world are getting sick. A lot of them are dying, but there’s something else going on. A lot of them are going fucking crazy, like zombie crazy, do you know what I mean?”

  I shook my head. I might have even laughed if I did not feel so miserable. “What are you talking about? Are you saying that the end of the world is coming or something?” Rick nodded his head somberly. I managed a halfhearted snort. “You need to lay off the sauce.”

  Rick arched a bushy eyebrow. “Could be, could be I’m completely loco, right? I’m sure a lot of people would agree with you. I admit I’ve got a few screws loose. But, what if I’m right? Hmm? What if this crazy old man is right? What then?” He held a hand up. “Don’t say anything just yet, because I’ll tell you what will be happening if I’m right. Total societal collapse. I see the way you’re looking at me. Just because I’m crazy don’t mean I’ve lost my mind.” He emphasized each word, took a drink and leaned forward. “It’s already started Zach.” He reached over and slid the remote control across the table. “Turn the TV on if you don’t believe me. Put it on Fox or CNN.”

  I did as he suggested. There was a little bit of sports news, and then they started talking about the flu outbreak. The newswoman, the same perky woman Felix and I had ogled on Thanksgiving, was talking about news blackouts in various countries in the Mideast. I changed the channel to CNN. They were interviewing somebody from the CDC. The caption identified him as a doctor and an assistant director of the center. He was staring at a fixed point on the ground and saying everyone should remain calm and get their flu vaccination. The local news was talking about the full Emergency Rooms throughout the mid-state area. I flipped to a couple of other channels. Same thing. I looked over at Rick. He pointed at the TV.

  “You see, there’s something bad going on. Now you’re the smart one. What do you think about all of this?”

  I thought for a minute or two while I watched another news segment. I then muted the sound. “Le Grippe.” He frowned and narrowed his eyes at me as if to say, what did you just call me? “That’s what they called it in 1918. Le Grippe, or more commonly known as the Spanish Influenza. It was a worldwide epidemic. They’re not sure exactly how many people died, but the estimation is as high as fifty million. Years later, the CDC did some testing with some old preserved tissue samples and determined that it was a strain of avian flu. Before that, let’s see, roughly 541 BC, there was the plague of Justinian. That was in the Byzantine Empire. It was believed to have killed as many as 10,000 people a day at its peak, and in the fourteenth century there was the infamous Black Death. Those two were Bubonic plague. There have been others.” I remembered the news report from Cairo that Felix and I had watched. It now triggered a memory in me of an old book I read about the Justinian plague. There had been some speculation the plague originated from infected rats on grain boats arriving from Egypt.

  Rick slapped the table. “Well there you have it. You just used a lot of words to say a few years back somebody stepped in some chicken shit or got bit on the ass by a flea and the next thing you know, fifty million people are dead. So Zach, it may be just a few hundred people die, or it may be damn near the whole world. And those who don’t die, well, they’re going to be in a world of lawlessness and starvation. Anarchy. Total fucking anarchy. You may not know this, but I’m in a social network of what people call Preppers. We’ve been planning for something like this. We met just a couple of hours ago at the VFW. We all agreed it’s time to bug out and hunker down.” Rick finished up his coffee and rubbed his beard. He gave a curt nod to himself, as if to confirm a decision he had already made.

  “Well, what say the two of us hunker down at the farm and ride it out? I’ve planned ahead Zach. I’ve got a shit load of food stored. I got guns and ammo. I got reloading equipment, farming equipment, cattle, chickens, generators, two-way radios, solar panels, fresh water from a well. You name it I got it. What I don’t have is a partner. Having a partner will help tremendously. You got something I don’t Zach.” I looked at him quizzically. “You got your youth and you got brains. You got a good memory. My gray matter isn’t the best, but I’ve been around. If you think about it, we’d make a good team. You know, like them Asians twins, yin and yang. So, what do you say brother?”

  I rubbed my face. His logic, although a bit paranoid, kind of made sense. My Grandmother did not own this house. She rented it from some property management company. Chances were pretty good I’d be evicted before the New Year. I was going to need a place to live anyway, so what the hell. I needed to get away. Get away from school, get away from this house. Get away from everyone. I looked at Rick. He must have read my thoughts because he was grinning. He was even wearing his false teeth, which he only did for meals and special events. I gave him a silent nod and he slapped his hands together in victory. He knew I would say yes. Hell, what else was I going to do?

  Felix and his father came over and helped load up the trailer. I could not lift very much, so I limited my activity to packing my clothes. We finished in about an hour. Like I said, there wasn’t much. A lot of the furniture was old and worn out. Most of it was going to either Goodwill or to a trash drop off.

  I had been standing on the porch watching them load up. Felix walked over to me. He had one of those sad, hang-dog expressions.

  “I’m not going to be seeing much of you after this, I’m thinking.” Felix said sadly.

  I resisted the impulse to pat him on the shoulder. “Why do you say that? Yo
u know where the farm is. It’s not too far. You’re welcome to come out and stay anytime you want. And don’t think I won’t be coming to visit my best friend.”

  “You didn’t say anything about school. You’re not going back, are you?” I looked at him a moment and then shook my head sadly. His jaw dropped. “Why Zach? You’ve got good grades and you know you’re going to get a scholarship. It’s because of Macie, right?” I did not respond. I just stared at the ground. There was no need to deny it. He was right. “Dude, don’t let her mess your life up. There are other girls out there. Before you know it, you’ll be dating someone else and Jason will have dumped Macie. Who will be the sorry one then? Her, that’s who!”

  I smiled at Felix. He looked like he was about to cry and I did not want him to. “You’re the best friend a guy could have Felix. But I need some time away to sort things out. Who knows, maybe in a week I’ll be ready to come back.”

  Felix reached under his glasses and wiped his eyes. He smiled hopefully, resisted an urge to give me a hug, and shook my hand. “Anything I can do to help buddy, you just call.” He looked over at his father. “Pops is getting antsy. Mom is sick and he wants to get going. Give me a shout tomorrow, okay?” I agreed. “Promise?” I agreed again more earnestly. He shook my hand again and left with his father.

  I did one final walk through of the old, small house that had been the only home that I ever knew. It could stand a good cleaning. I spent a couple of more minutes lost in memories and then turned the lights out.