Volume 1 - The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi

by Tanigawa Nagaru

  “I’m Suzumiya Haruhi, Commander of the SOS Brigade, and these two are Subordinate One and Subordinate Two.”

  Wait, who decided we’re your subordinates!?

  “I command you in the name of the SOS Brigade: hand over a computer at once! Don’t give me any excuses!”

  “I don’t know who you guys are, but absolutely not! You can go buy your own computers!”

  “Since you’ve said that, we have our ways.”

  Haruhi’s eyes glared fearlessly. Oh no, that is a bad omen!

  Haruhi pushed Asahina-san, who was standing awestruck next to her, towards the president, and then she grabbed his hand and placed it on Asahina-san’s breast.

  “Kyaaa~~!!”

  “Wha!?”

  Click!

  At the sound of the two screaming, I clicked the camera shutter.

  Haruhi grabbed Asahina-san, preventing her from escaping, while her other hand propelled the president’s hand harder into Asahina’s breast.

  “Kyon! One more picture!”

  I reluctantly pressed the shutter again. Asahina-san, and the nameless president, you have my sincerest apologies. Just as Haruhi was about to stuff the president’s hand under Asahina-san’s skirt, the president finally broke free.

  “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!?”

  Haruhi waved her finger elegantly at the furiously blushing president.

  “Uh uh uh! We now have photographic evidence of you sexually harassing our members! If you don’t want the school to know about these photos, then hand over the computer!”

  “What kind of joke is this!?”

  The president protested furiously. I totally understand how you feel, man.

  “You forcefully grabbed my hand! I’m innocent!”

  “Oh really? You can try explaining, but who’s going to believe you?”

  I turned and looked at Asahina-san lying on the ground paralyzed. She must have been in so much shock that all energy had left her.

  On the other hand, the president continued to resist.

  “My members are witnesses to my innocence! That was not of my own will!”

  The three members who were standing dumbstruck all nodded their heads vehemently.

  “That’s right!”

  “The president is innocent!”

  If Haruhi could listen to you guys, then she wouldn’t be Suzumiya Haruhi.

  “All right, then I’ll just say you guys gang-raped her!”

  At this instance, everyone’s face turned white, including mine and Asahina-san’s. Oh god, did it really have to come to this?

  “S… Suzumiya-san…!”

  Asahina-san desperately looped her arms around Haruhi’s feet, but Haruhi simply kicked them off. Haruhi then lifted her chest and arrogantly said:

  “So how about it? Are you giving us one or not?”

  The president’s face went from red to white, finally turning dark.

  In the end, he surrendered.

  “Just pick one and get out!”

  Having said that, the president sat down dejectedly. His members all rushed towards him.

  “President!”

  “Get a hold of yourself!”

  “Are you all right?”

  The president’s head drooped like a puppet whose strings were broken. Seeing such a broken figure, even as Haruhi’s companion, I couldn’t help but shed a tear of sadness for him.

  “Which one is the latest model?”

  You’re such a cold-blooded girl!

  “Why should we tell you!?”

  The angry members continued their meager resistance, but Haruhi simply pointed at me and my camera.

  “D… damn it! That one!”

  Haruhi looked in the direction the member pointed and inspected the model and serial number of the computer. Then, she took out a piece of paper from her skirt pocket.

  “I went to the electronics store and asked for a list of the latest models. This doesn’t seem to be one of them.”

  This girl has everything so meticulously planned that it’s becoming scary.

  After inspecting all the other computers, Haruhi pointed to one of them.

  “I want this one.”

  “W… wait! We just bought that last month!”

  “Camera.”

  “… T-take it, you thieves!”

  Like he said, we were truly thieves.

  Haruhi’s greed knew no bounds. After plucking all the cables and wires, she moved all the necessary equipment back to the Literature Club room without consideration. She then had the Computer Study Group people reinstall the wires for us and had them lay two internet cables from their room to ours, so we could use the internet. She even forced them to set up an intranet for us. Her despicable ways are no different from a robber!

  “Asahina-san.”

  Being helpless the whole time, I could only slowly pick up a devastated Asahina-san, who was kneeling on the ground, covering her face and sobbing endlessly.

  “Let’s go back.”

  “Sob…”

  Haruhi, you idiot, can’t you grope your own breasts!? For someone who undresses in front of guys without a second thought, this is nothing! I comforted Asahina-san, while mumbling about what on earth Haruhi wanted a computer for.

  Very soon, I would find out.

  And that is to make an SOS Brigade website!

  All right, here comes the question: Who should make the website?

  “You, of course!” Haruhi said.

  “Since you’re so free, you might as well do it! I’m busy looking for the remaining members!”

  The computer was placed on the desk with the “Brigade Commander” pyramid. Haruhi added while surfing the net with her mouse:

  “Have it completed in the next day or two. We won’t be able to do anything without a webpage.”

  Asahina-san’s body lay over the desk, her shoulders shivering, next to where Nagato Yuki is sitting, who as usual just reads her book, ignoring everything. Seems like I’m the only one who heard what Haruhi was saying. I had no choice but to comply with her. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what Haruhi thought.

  “I can’t do anything even if you say that.”

  That’s what I wanted to say, to be honest. I’m not used to receiving orders from Haruhi! The only reason I agreed is because it’s a webpage. I haven’t done it before, but it does sound interesting.

  And so, my arduous webpage design began on the second day.

  Having said that, it was much easier than I thought. Because the guys from Computer Study Group already had all the software installed on the hard drive, all I needed to do was just follow the program and do some copy and pasting, and that was it.

  The problem is, what should I write on the website?

  Right now, I still don’t know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely nothing to write about. After writing ‘Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!’ on the top, I simply stopped. “Hurry up and finish it, you hear?” Haruhi’s words sounded like a curse ringing through my ears, so I had to use my lunch time to continue my designing while having my lunch.

  “Nagato-san, do you have any ideas on what to write?” I asked, who seemed to come here even during lunch break.

  “Not really.”

  She didn’t look up. I know this is none of my business, but I’m curious as to whether she even pays attention in class.

  Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17 inch monitor, I fell into deep thought again.

  I suddenly thought of a problem: what would happen if the school found out that a yet-to-be-recognized association is using their bandwidth to host a website?

  “It’s all right as long as they don’t find out!” I imagined Haruhi replying, “If it does gets discovered, then we’ll just abandon the website. This sort of stuff is first come, first served, you know?”

  Really, in some ways I’m rather envious of Haruhi’s optimistic and forward-looking attitude!

  After making some websi
te links and writing the email address— it’s a bit early to set up a forum— I uploaded the website, which only contained a front page without any details on it.

  That should do! After making sure the page could load, I switched off the computer. As I was about to stretch myself, I was startled to find Nagato standing right behind me.

  That’s strange, how come I didn’t hear her making any footsteps? I didn’t know when Nagato arrived behind me. Her face was as white as a mask. She stared at me with her poker face as though I was some eye test chart.

  “Take this.”

  She handed me a very thick book, which I impulsively took. It sure is heavy! Looking at the cover, it was the science fiction novel Nagato was reading a few days ago.

  “For you.”

  After saying that, Nagato left the room without even turning back; I didn’t even have time to say anything. Why are you lending such a thick book to me? At this moment, the bell rang signaling the end of lunch break. Seems like there aren’t a lot of people who respect my opinion.

  After I carried the hardback book back to my classroom and sat down, I felt someone poking my back with a mechanical pencil.

  “So, is the website done?”

  Haruhi held the edges of the desk and stared at me with a stiff face. I noticed that her notebook was full of scribbles here and there. I tried to ignore the stares of my classmates and replied:

  “It’s done all right, but it’s a very simple, crappy website.”

  “That’ll do, as long as it has an email address.”

  Why can’t you register your own free email address!?

  “That won’t do! What if a lot of people sent their mail in and flooded my inbox?”

  I don’t understand how a newly registered email address could get flooded with mail so quickly.

  “That’s a secret!”

  After saying that, she gave a mysteriously sinister smile. I have a bad feeling about this.

  “You’ll know once school has ended today, but until then, it’s highly classified.”

  Please, I’d rather you never tell me what it is!

  In the sixth period, Haruhi was nowhere to be seen in class. She couldn’t have gone home, could she? That wouldn’t be possible. It’s probably another bad omen.

  Very soon it was the end of class, and I automatically walked towards the club room. Though I wondered why I did so, my footsteps never stopped. Finally, I arrived at the club room.

  “Hello there!”

  As expected, there sat Nagato Yuki and Asahina-san.

  I know I’m not one to criticize, but these two sure have a lot of free time on their hands!

  Seeing me enter, Asahina-san greeted me with a relieved expression. Seems like having to spend time alone with Nagato can be exhausting.

  Wait a moment, you just suffered Haruhi’s evil clutches yesterday, and you’re still coming today?

  “Where’s Suzumiya-san?”

  “God knows. She hasn’t been in the class since the sixth period. She’s probably off to nick equipment from somewhere.”

  “Do I have to do what Suzumiya-san had me do yesterday again…?”

  Seeing how depressed Asahina-san looked, I said gently:

  “Don’t worry! If she tries doing anything strange to you, I’ll do everything I can to stop her. She can use her own body for blackmail! It’s not like I can’t beat her when it comes to scuffles!”

  “Thank you.”

  Seeing her bow at me cutely, I really felt like embracing her tightly. But of course I didn’t do that.

  “Then I’m counting on you.”

  “No problem at all!”

  Even though I repeatedly assured her, five minutes later, all those reassurances got thrown out the window, into the sea, and evaporated like a water droplet on the surface of the sun. Oh, how naive I was!

  “Hiya!”

  Haruhi greeted us energetically and entered the room, carrying with her two paper bags.

  “Sorry guys, I was delayed.”

  That sure is kind of you! For someone obsessed like Haruhi, to be considerate of others is probably the last thing on her mind.

  Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruhi turned and locked the door. Asahina-san reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click.

  “Suzumiya, what are you planning today? I’ll be frank, I’m not going to do anything like plundering and blackmailing again!”

  “What are you talking about? I’d never do such a thing!”

  Really? Then how do you explain the computer on the desk!?

  “By peaceful means of course! OK, first things first, let’s have a look at this.”

  She pulled out a bunch of A4 papers with some handwriting on top from one of the paper bags.

  “These are fliers made to introduce the SOS Brigade to everyone. It took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!”

  Haruhi handed out the fliers to us. So that’s why you skipped class, huh? You should count yourself lucky that you weren’t caught. I wasn’t interested in what was written on the flier, but since I’ve already taken one, I might as well read what it had to say.

  The SOS Brigade founding principle:

  We, the SOS Brigade, are seeking all sorts of paranormal events in this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or senses that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious events to come to us for consultation. We will do our best to answer your questions. Please note, however, that we do not handle normal paranormal events; it must be a paranormal event that we deem to be very shocking. Our email address is…

  I’m starting to have a faint idea of what the SOS Brigade is all about now. It seems that, no matter what, Haruhi wanted to indulge herself in the world of science fiction, mystery, and fantasy novels.

  “All right, time to hand out the fliers.”

  “Where do we do that?”

  “At the school entrance. Right now there’s still a lot of students who haven’t gone home yet.”

  Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, ma’am. Just as I’m about to pick up the paper bag with the fliers, Haruhi stopped me.

  “You don’t have to go, just me and Mikuru-chan will do.”

  “What?”

  Asahina-san, who was carrying a flier in her hands, turned her head looking puzzled. I turned and saw Haruhi fumbling through the other paper bag, taking out something.

  “Ta-da!”

  6 Doraemon, the most famous robotic cat in Japanese culture, “possesses a four-dimensional pocket from which he can produce all manner of futuristic tools, gadgets and playthings from a future department store.”

  Smiling as happily as a robotic cat, Haruhi pulled out a piece of black garment. No, it can’t be! As Haruhi finished emptying the contents of the paper bag from the fourth dimension[6], I understood at once why she wanted Asahina-san to hand the fliers, and I prayed for her well being. Asahina-san, may your soul rest in peace!

  A black leotard, net stockings, bunny ears, bow tie, white cuffs, and a bunny tail.

  Isn’t that a bunny girl costume!?

  “W… What are those for?” Asahina-san asked shyly.

  “You should know. To dress up as a bunny girl!” Haruhi said matter-of-factly.

  “Y-You wouldn’t want me to wear that, w-would you?”

  “Of course! I even prepared one for you!”

  “I… I’m not wearing that!”

  “Don’t worry, the size will fit you perfectly.”

  “T-That’s not the problem! Y… You wouldn’t want me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?”

  “Why, of course.”

  “No! I don’t wanna!”

  “Stop complaining!”

  This is it; she’s been targeted. Haruhi leapt onto Asahina-san, like a mother lion preying upon a helpless deer, and began tearing off her sailor uniform.

  “NOOO…”

  “Now be a good girl and don’t move!” Haruhi
said roughly while swiftly pulling off Asahina-san’s top, then she moved onto Asahina-san’s skirt. Just as I was about to stop Haruhi’s insanity, my eyes met Asahina-san’s.

  “D… DON‘T LOOK!!”

  Hearing her scream, I hurriedly ran towards the door… Damn it! The door’s locked! It took a while before I could unlock the door and rush out of the room.

  Before I left, I took one quick peek — I discovered Nagato reading her book as if nothing had happened. Doesn’t she have anything to say about this!?

  I leaned back on the door, hearing Asahina-san’s screams from behind it.

  “Kyaa~~!!” “Nooo!” “A… at least let me take them off myself… Sob~~!”

  These are mixed in with Haruhi’s yells of victory.

  “That’s great!” “Take that off! Quickly!” “You should have done what I said!”

  Damn it, don’t ask me to fantasize about what’s going on inside!

  A moment later, Haruhi’s voice came through the door.

  “You can come in now!”

  As I sighed entering the room, I was greeted by the sight of two beautiful bunny girls. Whether it’s Haruhi or Asahina-san, they both suit the costume well.

  A large part of their backs and cleavage were exposed, the net stockings wrapping their legs nicely and the pair of bunny ears bouncing above their heads…

  Haruhi is skinny but has the right proportions; Asahina-san is small, but her figure is also perfect. To be honest, they really are a feast to behold for the eyes!

  Just as I was wondering whether to say “The costume suits you,” to a crying Asahina-san, Haruhi said:

  “What do you think?”

  And you still have the balls to ask me what I think. Is your skull badly damaged!?

  “This is going to grab everyone’s attention. At this rate, people will definitely come to get the flyers!” said Haruhi.

  “If you wear such strange costumes out in the open, people are going to look at you funny… Wait a minute, how come Nagato-san doesn’t need to wear this?”

  “I only bought two sets. Since they come with accessories, they’re very expensive.”

  “Where’d you buy this stuff anyway?”

  “On the net.”

  “… I see.”

  Just as I was wondering when Haruhi became taller than me, I noticed she was wearing high-heeled shoes as well.