The History of the Hobbit

by John D. Rateliff

  ‘Just when a wizard would have been most useful too,’ growled Dori & Nori (who shared the hobbit’s opinions about regular meals, lots and often).

  It seemed it would have to be a camp. They had camped before and knew they would soon have to camp regularly when they were among the misty mountains and beyond and far from the lands of respectable people, it seemed a bad wet evening to begin with.TN4

  They moved to a clump of trees. It was drier underneath them, but the wind shook the rain off the leaves and the drip drip was most annoying. Also the mischief seemed to have got into the fire. Dwarves can make a fire almost anywhere out of almost anything, wind or no wind. But they couldn’t do it that night.TN5 Then one of the ponies took fright at nothing and bolted. He got in the river before they could catch him; and before they got him out again Fili & Kili were nearly drowned, and all the baggage was washed away off him. Of course it was mostly food, and there was mighty little left for supper, and less for breakfast.

  There they all sat glum and wet and muttering while Bofur & Bombur tried to light a fireTN6 and quarrelled about it. Bilbo was sadly reflecting that adventures are not all pony-rides in May sunshine, when DwalinTN7 who was always their look-out man said: ‘There’s a light over there’.

  There was a hill some way off with some trees on, pretty thick in parts. Out of the trees shone a light, a reddish comfortable looking light, as it might be a fire or torches twinkling. When they had looked at it, they fell to arguing. Some said ‘no’ and some said ‘yes’. Some said they could but go and see, and any thing was better than little supper less breakfast and wet clothes all night. Others said ‘These parts are none too well known, and too near the mountains. Not even a policeman on a bicycle is ever seen this way; they have rarely heard of the king even; and the less inquisitive you are as you go along the less trouble you are likely to find’

  Some said: ‘After all there are fourteen of us’. Others said ‘Where has Bladorthin got to.’ This remark was repeated by all. Then they went at it again. Just then the rain began again, and Dori & NoriTN8 began to fight. That settled it. ‘After all we have got a burglar with us’ they said, and so they made off leading their ponies (with all due & proper caution) in the direction of the light.

  They came to the hill, and were soon in the wood. Up the hill they went, but there was no proper path to be seen, and do what they could they made a deal of rustling and crackling and creaking (and a lot of grumbling and dratting) as they went through the trees.

  Suddenly the red light shone out very bright not far ahead. ‘Now it is the burglar’s turn’ they said, meaning Bilbo. ‘You must go on and find out all about that light, and what it is for, and if all is perfectly safe and canny’ said Gandalf to the hobbit. ‘Now scuttle off, and come back quick, if all is well. If not come back if you can. If you can’t hoot twice like a barn owl and once like a white screech owl, and we will do what we can’.

  Off Bilbo had to go, before he could explain that he couldn’t hoot even once like any kind of owl, no more than fly like a bat.

  At any rate hobbits can move quietly in woods, absolutely quietly. They take a pride in it, and Bilbo had sniffed more than once at what he called ‘all this dwarvish racket’ as they went along – though I don’t suppose you or I would have noticed anything at all on a windy night, not if the whole cavalcade had passed us two feet off.

  As for Bilbo walking primly towards the red light, I don’t suppose even a weasel would have stirred a whisker at it. So naturally he got right up to the fire – for fire it was – without disturbing anyone. And this is what he saw. Three very large persons sitting round a very large fire of beech logs; and they were toasting mutton on long spits of wood, and licking the gravy off their fingers. It smelt very fine and toothsome, and they had a barrel of good drink at hand, and were drinking out of jugs. But they were trolls. Obviously trolls. Even Bilbo, in spite of a sheltered life, could see that, from the great heavy faces of them, and their size and the shape of their legs, not to mention their language, which wasn’t drawingroom fashion at all, at all.

  ‘Mutton yesterday, mutton today, and blimey if it don’t look like mutton again tomorrow’ said one of the trolls.

  ‘Never a blinking bit of manflesh have we had for long enough’ said another. ‘What the ’ell William was [a] thinking of in bringing us into these parts at all, beats me – and the drink running short, what’s more’ he said, jogging the elbow of William who was having a [drink >] pull at his jug.

  William choked. ‘Shut your mouth’ he said, as soon as he could. ‘You can’t expect folk to stay here for ever just to be eaten [< et up] by you and Bert. You’ve et a village and a half between you since we came down from the mountains. Ow much more d’yer want. And time’s been up our way when yerd have said “thank yer Bill” for a nice bit of valley-mutton like wot this is’. He took a big bite off a sheep’s leg he was toasting, and wiped his lips on his sleeve.

  Yes I am afraid trolls behave like that, even those with one head only. TN9

  After hearing all this Bilbo ought to have done something. Either he ought to have gone back and warned his friends that there were three fairsized trolls at hand in a nasty mood when they would be quite likely to try toasted dwarf, or even pony as a change. Or else he should have gone on burglaring. A really good and legendary burglar would at this point have picked the Trolls’ pockets – it is nearly always worth while, if you can do it – pinched the very mutton off their spits, purloined the beer, and walked off without their noticing him.TN10

  Others more practical but with less professional pride would perhaps have stuck a dagger into each of them before they observed it. Then the night could have been spent cheerily.

  Bilbo knew it. He had read a good deal more than he had seen or done. He was very much alarmed, and yet, and yet he did not somehow go straight back to Gandalf and company emptyhanded.

  Of the various burglarious proceedings [added: he had heard of] picking the Trolls’ pockets seemed the least difficult. He crept behind a tree, just behind William. Bert and Tom went off to the barrel. William was having a drink. [So >] Then Bilbo plucked up courage, and put his hand in William’s pocket. There was a purse in it. ‘Ha’ thought Bilbo warming to his new work, and he lifted it carefully out, ‘this is a beginning!’.

  It was. Trolls’ purses are the mischief, and this was no exception. ‘Ere, oo are you’ it squeaked as soon as he took it, and William turned round and grabbed him by the neck before he could duck behind the tree.

  ‘Blimey, Bert look what I’ve copped’ said William.

  ‘What is it?’ said the others.

  ‘Lumme if I knows! What are yer?’

  ‘Bilbo Baggins a bur – a hobbit’ said poor Bilbo shaking all over and wondering how to make owl-noises, before they throttled him.

  ‘A burrahobbit’ said they a bit startled. Trolls are a bit slow in the uptake, and mighty suspicious about anything new to them.

  ‘What’s a burrahobbit got to do with my pocket, anyways’, said William.

  ‘And can yer cook ’em?’ said Tom.

  ‘You can try’ said Bert picking up a skewer.

  ‘He wouldn’t make above a mouthful’ said William who had already had a fine supper, ‘not when he was skinned and boned.’

  ‘Perhaps there are more of him round about’ said Bert ‘Ere you are there more of yer sneaking in these here wood, yer nassty little rabbit’ said he looking at Bilbo’s furry feet. And he picked him up by his toes and shook him.

  ‘Yes lots’ said Bilbo before he remembered not to give friends away. ‘No none at all, not one’ he said immediately afterwards.

  ‘Wot d’yer mean’ said Bert holding him right way up by the hair this time.

  ‘What I say’ said Bilbo gasping. ‘And please don’t cook me, kind sirs. I am a good cook myself, and cook better than I cook if you see what I mean. I’ll cook beautifully for you a perfectly beautiful breakfast for you, if only you won’t have me for supper.’


  ‘Poor little blighter’ said William (I told you he had already had supper, also he had had lots of beer). ‘Let him go.’

  ‘Not till he says what he means by “lots” and “none at all”’ said Bert. ‘I don’t want my throat cut in me sleep. Hold his toes in the fire till he talks.’

  ‘I won’t ’ave it’ said William. ‘I caught him any way’.

  ‘You’re a fat fool William’ said Bert ‘as I said afore this evening’.

  ‘And you’re a lout’.

  ‘And I won’t take that from you’ says Bert, and puts his fist in William’s eye. Then there was a gorgeous row. Bilbo had just enough wits left to scramble out of the way of their feet, before they were fighting like dogs and calling each other all sorts of perfectly true and applicable names in very loud voices. Soon they were locked in one another’s arms and rolling nearly into the fire kicking and thumping, while Tom whacked them both with a branch to bring them to their senses – and that of course made them madder than ever.

  That would have been the time for Bilbo to have left. But his poor little feet were very squashed by Bert’s big paw, and he had no breath left. So he lay for a while just outside the firelight.

  In the middle of this fight up came Balin. The dwarves had heard the noise from afar, and waited, and when neither Bilbo came, nor the hoots were heard, they started off one by one to creep towards the fire.

  No sooner did Tom see Balin come into the light, than he gave an awful howl. Trolls simply detest the sight of dwarves. Bert and William stopped fighting immediately, and ‘a sack Tom quick’ they said. Before Balin (who was wondering where Bilbo was in all this commotion) knew what was happening – a sack was over his head and he was down.

  ‘There’s more to come yet’ said Tom ‘or I’m [added: mighty] mistook. Lots and none at all, it is’ said he. ‘No burrahobbits, but lots of these ere dwarves. That’s about the shape of it.’

  ‘I reckon ye’re right’ said Bert, ‘and we’d best get out of the firelight.’ And so they did. With the sacks in their hands that they used for carrying off meat and other plunder they waited in the shadows. As each dwarf came up and looked at the fire and the spilled jugs and the gnawed mutton in surprise, pop went a nasty smelly sack over his head and he was down.

  Soon Dwalin lay by Balin, and Fili and Kili together, and Dori Nori and Ori all in a heap, and Oin Gloin Bifur Bofur and Bombur uncomfortably near the fire.

  ‘That’ll teach ’em’ said Tom; for Bofur and Bombur had given a lot of trouble, and fought like mad, as dwarves do when cornered. Gandalf came last – and he wasn’t caught unawares. He came expecting mischief, and didn’t need to see legs sticking out of sacks to tell him things were not all well.

  He stood outside in the shadows a way off, and said:

  ‘What’s all this trouble. Who has been knocking my people about.’

  ‘It’s Trolls’ said Bilbo from behind a tree. They had forgotten all about him. ‘They’re hiding in the bushes with sacks’ said he.

  ‘O are they’ said Gandalf, ‘Bladorthin will make them sorry for it when he comes back.’ This was bluff, for he did not know whether Bladorthin ever was coming back; and he didn’t know whether the Trolls knew his name well enough to be scared by it.TN11 And he leaped forward to the fire before they could jump on him. He caught up a big branch all afire at one end and Bert got an end in his eye before he could step aside. That put him out of the battle for a bit. Bilbo did his best. He caught hold of Tom’s leg (as well as he could, it was as fat as a young tree trunk) but was sent spinning off into the bushes when Tom kicked up the sparks into Gandalf’s face.

  He got the branch in his teeth for that, and lost one of the front ones. It made him howl, I can tell you; but William came up behind and popped a sack right over Gandalf’s head. And so it ended. A nice pickle they were all in now, all nicely tied up in sacks, with three angry trolls (and two with burns and bruises to remember) sitting over them, and arguing whether they should roast them slowly, or mince them fine and boil them, or just sit on them one by one and squash them; And Bilbo up in a bush with his clothes and skin torn not daring to move for fear they should hear him.

  It was just then that Bladorthin chose to come back. But no one saw him. The trolls had just decided to roast them and eat them later – that was Bert’s idea.

  ‘No good roasting ’em, it’d take all night’ said a voice. Bert thought it was William’s. ‘Don’t start the argument all over again, Bill’ he said, ‘or it will take all night’.

  ‘Who’s a-arguing?’ said William who thought it was Bert that had spoken.

  ‘You are’ said Bert.

  ‘You’re a liar’ said William.

  And so the argument began all over again, and in the end they decided to mince them fine and boil ’em. So they got a big black pot, and they took out their knives.

  ‘No good boiling ’em; we ain’t got no water and it’s a long way and all to the well’ said a voice.

  Bert and William thought it was Tom’s. ‘Shut up’ said they ‘or we’ll never have done; and you can fetch the water yerself [added: if you argue]’.

  ‘Shut up yerselves’ said Tom, ‘and get on with it, and fetch the bloody water.TN12 Who’s arguing but yerself, I’d like to know.’

  ‘You are you booby’ said William.

  ‘Booby yourself’ said Tom.

  And so the argument began and went on hotter than ever again, until in the end they decided to sit on the sacks one by one and squash them, and boil them next time.

  ‘Who shall we sit on first?’ said the voice.

  ‘Anyone,’ said Bert [> William], who thought it was Tom speaking and didn’t mind because he hadn’t been hurtTN13

  ‘Better sit on the last fellow first’ said Tom [> Bert] whose eye was burnt by Gandalf; he thought Tom was talking.

  ‘Don’t talk to yourself’ said William [> Tom]. ‘Where is he?’

  ‘The one with the yellow stockings’ said Bert.

  ‘Nonsense, the one with grey stockings’ said his voice [> a voice like William’s].

  ‘I made sure it was yellow’ said Bert.

  ‘Yellow it was’ said William.

  ‘Then what did you say it was grey [added: for?].’ said Bert.

  ‘I never did, Tom said it’.

  ‘That I didn’t’ said Tom ‘it was you’.

  ‘Two to one so shut your mouth’ said Bert.

  ‘Oo are you talking to’ said William.

  ‘Now stop it’ said Tom and Bert together: ‘the night’s getting on and the dawn comes early. Let’s get on with it’.

  ‘Dawn take you both and be stone to you!’ said a voice, that sounded like William’s. But it wasn’t. For just at that moment the light came over the hill, and there was a mighty twitter in the branches. William never spoke for he stood turned to stone as he stooped; and Bert and Tom were stuck like rocks as they looked at him. And there they stand to this day, I have no doubt, for Trolls as you know must be underground before dawn, or they go back to the stuff of the mountains they are made of, and never move again. That’s what had happened to Bert and Tom and William.

  ‘Excellent’ said Bladorthin as he stepped from behind the bushes, and helped Bilbo to climb down out of the thorn [bush >] tree. Then Bilbo understood. It was Bladorthin’s voice that had kept the trolls bickering and arguing till the dawn came and they were turned to stone.

  The next thing was to untie the sacks and let out the dwarves. They were nearly suffocated, and very annoyed, and they hadn’t [added: at all] liked lying there and listening to the trolls making plans for roasting them and squashing them and mincing them.

  They had to hear Bilbo’s account of what happened to him twice over before they were satisfied. ‘Silly time to go practising burglary and pocket-picking,’ said Bombur; ‘when what we wanted was fire and food’.

  ‘And that you couldn’t have got [added: out of these fellows] without a struggle’ said Bladorthin; ‘and anyway y
ou are wasting time now. You must [> don’t seem to] realize that the Trolls must have a cave or a hole dug somewhere near to hide from the sun in. We must look into it’.

  So now they searched about and found the mark of troll’s stony boots, and followed them through the trees and further up the hill, until, hidden by bushes they came to a big door, and that they couldn’t open. Not though they all pushed, and Bladorthin tried some magic.

  ‘Would this be any good?’ said Bilbo when they were getting tired. ‘I found it on the ground where the Trolls were fighting’. He held out a largish key, but no doubt William thought it very small & secret. Out of his pocket it must have fallen before he was turned to stone, very luckily too.

  ‘Why didn’t you mention it before!’ they said and Bladorthin grabbed it and fitted it in the key hole. Then the stone door swung back with a big push, and they all went inside. There were bones on the floor and a nasty smell in the air; but there was a deal of coins in earthen pots at the far end of the cave, and a sword or two on the walls, and a bunch of curious keys on a nail; and that was all they found.

  The coins they carried out and loaded onto ponies and took them away and buried them very secretly not far from the track by the river, with a deal of spells and curses over them, just in case they ever had the chance to come back and cart them home. Bladorthin took a sword, and Gandalf another; and Bilbo took a little dagger in a leather sheath – little for a dwarf, but a big sword for Bilbo.TN14 ‘They have a good look [> look like good blades]’ said Bladorthin, ‘but if we can read the runes on ’em, we shall know more about ’em.’

  ‘Let’s get out of the smell’ said Fili. And so they went, and would have left the keys.

  ‘Hello!’ said Bladorthin ‘what are these do you suppose? There are no other locks or doors in here. These keys were not made for this place’. So he brought them out and hung them on his belt.

  By that time it was breakfast time. They eat what they found of the trolls’ that was good to eat – there was bread and cheese and ale to spare and bacon to roast in the embers of the fire. Then they slept, for their night had been disturbed. In the afternoon they got on their ponies, and jogged along the track [added: again Eastward].