Dave Barry’s Greatest Hits

by Dave Barry

  March

  2—The Miami Grand Prix is won by Mrs. Rose Gridhorn, 83, of Hackensack, New jersey, driving a 1976 Chrysler New Yorker with the left blinker on.

  3—Comedian Danny Kaye dies moments after granting an interview to Bob Woodward.

  7—In the widening scandal on Wall Street, the heads of three major investment firms rob a liquor store.

  9—In Tallahassee, state legislators agree on a plan to tax professionals who perform services. A few hours later, they decide it also should apply to lawyers.

  11—Florida Governor “Bob” Martinez, who ran for office on a platform of opposing taxes, announces that he will support the new tax on services, until it is passed, then he will call for a referendum so voters can vote against the tax, although he will campaign for the tax, but then he will change his mind and announce that he is calling a special session of the Legislature to repeal the tax. Everybody naturally assumes that the governor is joking.

  13—Noncandidate Mario Cuomo, carrying out his normal duties as governor of New York state, meets with the heads of state of England, France, Norway, Sweden, and Germany.

  15—A barge loaded with garbage sets out into the Atlantic under the command of explorer/author Thor Heyerdahl, who is seeking to prove his theory that South America could have been discovered by ancient mariners sailing from Islip, Long Island, in crude garbage barges.

  18—The Southern Methodist University football team is suspended from intercollegiate athletics when National Collegiate Athletic Association investigators, after taking urine samples, determine that the school’s leading rusher, majoring in communications, is a horse. 2

  1—The IRS releases an even newer, simpler W-4 form in response to complaints from a number of taxpayers, all of whom will be audited for the rest of their lives.

  23—The Southern Methodist University horse is drafted by the Kansas City Chiefs.

  24—A place called Chad defeats Libya in some kind of war. This really happened.

  27—In what is hailed as a major arms race breakthrough, United States and Soviet arms negotiators in Geneva agree to wear matching outfits.

  30—In an illegal industrial waste dump somewhere in Louisiana, lightning strikes two adjacent putrid pools of festering corrosive toxic slime, setting off a bizarre chain of chemical reactions that cause the pools first to bubble, then slowly, horrifyingly, to solidify and pulsate upward, gradually forming themselves into shapes that, in the ghastly light of the flickering electrical storm, appear almost human. “Hi!” they shriek cheerfully into the swampland emptiness. “We’re Jim and Tammy Faye!”

  April

  1—Speaking in unison, an estimated three dozen congressmen, all of them age

  43, all of them blond, and all of them named Dick, announce that they are seeking the Democratic presidential nomination.

  3—In the Persian Gulf, Iranians attack the Islip garbage barge, but are driven off by courageous flies.

  6—Noncandidate Mario Cuomo, in the pursuit of his normal gubernatorial duties, reaches a tentative pact with Soviet arms negotiators.

  12—At an art auction, Vincent Van Gogh’s Sunflowers fetches the highest price ever paid for a painting, $39.8 million, paid by grateful Miami taxpayers wishing to hang it in the office of City Commissioner Rosario Kennedy.

  13—True Anecdote: In National League baseball action, the Atlanta Braves’ Dion James hits a ball that would have been caught easily, except that in midair it strikes and kills a dove.

  14—In Colorado, Gary Hart declares his candidacy for the presidential nomination, making the announcement while standing in front of a dramatic backdrop of soaring mountains, towering pine trees and four Miami Herald reporters disguised as rhododendrons.

  15—The lifeless body of Atlanta Braves player Dion James is found under an enormous mound of dove droppings.

  16—President and Mrs. Reagan release their tax returns.

  19—The IRS sends back the Reagans’ tax returns, gently pointing out that you’re supposed to fill them out.

  22—Crack U.S. counterintelligence agents in Moscow begin to suspect that the new U.S. Embassy in Moscow, constructed by Soviet labor, might be bugged, when one of them sneezes in the ambassador’s office and six chairs say,

  “Gesundheit.”

  23—The National Basketball Association grants Miami a franchise. The new team will be named The Enormous Bloodsucking Insects.

  26—jack Kemp announces that he is running for president, pledging that, if elected, he will deepen his voice.

  30—Following a lengthy and dramatic trial, a confused New Jersey jury awards custody of a 3-year-old boy to a 6week-old girl.

  May

  2—Late at night on a Washington street, four Miami Herald reporters on routine patrol notice that Gary Hart appears to be spending the weekend with an attractive woman who is not his wife. The reporters confront Hart, who explains that there is no woman, and he hardly knows her, and she is actually his uncle, and the voters don’t care about candidates’ private lives anyway. Satisfied, the reporters decide to write a story about Hart’s monetary policy.

  3—Like a raging unquenchable forest fire, the Gary Hart story sweeps across the nation, as voters are consumed by a burning need to know more about the candidate’s monetary views.

  4—The Hart story becomes so hot that issue-oriented Phil Donahue devotes a show to it, preempting the sexchange lesbian surrogate-mother nude-dancer ex-priests.

  5—The presidential campaign of Gary Hart experiences another “close call” when a Miami Herald reporter receives a tip that Hart spent a night in Bimini aboard a boat named Monkey Business with an attractive woman who is not his wife. Fortunately, Hart is able to explain that he has never been on a boat and there is no such place as “Bimini” and the person who went there with the woman was actually a being from the Planet Buppo who is able to take the form of leading presidential candidates. Satisfied, the reporter writes a lengthy analysis of Hart’s views on the NATO alliance.

  6—An angry Gary Hart is forced to withdraw from the race after word leaks out that the Washington Post has obtained documented evidence that he once proposed tying the prime rate to the Index of Leading Economic Indicators.

  7—Citing alleged “bisexual activity,” officials of the Assemblies of God Church vote to have Jim Bakker defrocked. Then they hastily vote to have him frocked again.

  16—Rita Hayworth dies moments after confiding to Bob Woodward that his forthcoming book, Veil, would be out “just in time for Christmas gift giving.”

  29—Nineteen-year-old Mathias Rust, a German, flying a single-engine Cessna airplane, manages to cross 400 miles of Soviet airspace to reach Red Square in Moscow, where he narrowly avoids colliding with a Delta Air Lines flight en route from Pittsburgh to Cleveland.

  30—Caspar Weinberger orders 5,000 single-engine Cessna airplanes.

  June

  1—The public responds with massive displays of sympathy to reports that a number of totally unsuspecting Dade County politicians were cruelly tricked into believing that a private duplex where a man allegedly sold stolen suits was in fact a major department store. “It was a mistake that anyone could have made,” said a police spokesman, “provided that he had the IQ of Cheez Whiz.”

  2—True Item: In the ongoing Iran-contra hearings the committee learns that a country named Brunei contributed $10 million to help the contras, except Fawn Hall or somebody typed a wrong number, so the money ended up in the Swiss bank account of a total stranger. This helps explain why, despite all the elaborate assistance efforts with secret codes and passwords and everything, the only actual aid ever received by the contras was a six-month trial subscription to Guns and Ammo.

  5—Another True Item: In Venice for the European Economic Summit, President Reagan, unaware that his words are being broadcast over an open microphone, tells a joke wherein God gradually reduces a gondolier’s intelligence until the gondolier switches from singing “O Sole Mio” to

&nb
sp; “When Irish Eyes are Smiling.”

  7—Brunei receives 314,334 urgent personal mail solicitations from TV evangelists.

  8—In the most dramatic Iran-contra testimony to date, Fawn Hall, played by Farrah Fawcett, testifies that, as justice Department investigators closed in, she and Oliver North stayed late in their White House basement office and “colorized” a number of classic black-and-white films.

  13—After a highly controversial trial in New York, “subway vigilante” Bernhard Goetz is acquitted in connection with a subway shooting incident wherein he claims he was attacked by a gang of prominent Wall Street investors.

  18—A survey of Florida residents reveals that their No. 1 concern about the state is that “not enough people are walking around with guns.” Alarmed, the state Legislature passes a law under which all citizens who are not actually on Death Row will be required to carry revolvers.

  22—Fred Astaire dies in the arms of Bob Woodward.

  24—In a ground-breaking experiment, medical researchers reduce a gondolier’s intelligence to the bare minimum required to sustain life, and the gondolier says: “Everybody that can remember what they were doing on August 8, 1985, raise your hand.”

  29—In Wimbledon action, John McEnroe kills a line judge and is given a stern warning.

  July

  1—In a contest sponsored by a pesticides company, a Broward County insect is declared the largest cockroach in the country, narrowly edging out Phyllis Schlafly.

  4—The Hormel Company marks the 50th anniversary of Spam in festivities featuring a full-size, fully functioning suspension bridge constructed entirely out of the popular luncheon substance.

  7—The central figure in the Iran-contra hearings, Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North, becomes an instant national folk hero when, with his eyes glistening and his voice cracking with emotion, he courageously admits, before a worldwide television audience, that he is very patriotic.

  9—Oral Roberts reveals that he can raise the dead. He is rushed to the White House.

  11—The Iran-contra hearings reach their dramatic peak when Lieutenant Colonel North, his eyes glistening and his voice cracking with emotion, makes a sweeping patriotic hand gesture and knocks over his bottle of Revlon Eye Glistener.

  15—The giant Citicorp bank announces that it has agreed to forgive Mexico’s

  $56.3 billion debt in exchange for 357.9 gazillion chickens.

  18—In Hollywood, plans are formulated for a major motion picture, based on the Oliver North story, starring Sylvester Stallone as North, Fawn Hall as herself and Helen Keller as the president.

  21—The discovery of “superconductors”—materials that offer no resistance to electricity even at relatively high temperatures—creates a worldwide stir of excitement among the kind of dweebs who always had their Science Fair projects done early.

  24—In the ongoing Iran-contra hearings, the committee hears two days of dramatic testimony from Mario Cuomo, who explains that he has decided to stay out of the presidential race so he can fulfill his obligations as governor of New York.

  27—Officials at the National Zoo in Washington are saddened by the death of the tiny infant cub of rare giant pandas Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing, who are described as “distraught” by their close friend, Bob Woodward. Edwin Meese is linked to the Lincoln assassination.

  30—In Moscow, the Embassy spy scandal deepens when it is learned that for the past six years, the “wife” of the U.S. ambassador has in fact been four male KGB agents wearing what State Department officials describe as “a very clever disguise.”

  August

  2—South Florida’s dreams of a first-class sports facility come true at last with the opening of Joe Robbie Stadium, featuring comfortable seating, excellent visibility, plenty of bathrooms, and nearly five parking spaces.

  3—Political activist Donna Rice, in her continuing effort to avoid publicity, sells her story to ABC television.

  6—As “Ollie-mania” continues to sweep the country, one of the most popular video-arcade games in the country is a new one called—this is true—”Contra.” The way it works is, there are two soldiers on the screen, and when you put in a quarter, it never gets to them.

  10—The U.S. space probe Meanderer II, after a journey of six years and many millions of miles, passes within 400 miles of the surface of Neptune, sending back dramatic color photographs of a Delta Air Lines jet.

  16—On the 10th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death, tens of thousands of fans gather in Memphis to hear Bob Woodward discuss his final moments with the bulging superstar. At the same time, thousands of other people gifted with “New Age” consciousness celebrate the Harmonic Convergence by picking at their straitjacket straps with their teeth.

  20—In Miami, alert Metro-rail police arrest a woman for permitting her child to eat a Vienna sausage. Bystanders applaud this courageous law-enforcement action by firing their revolvers into the air.

  22—Rumors circulate that Gary Hart will re-enter the presidential race. Johnny Carson places his writers on Full Red Alert.

  25—In what is hailed as a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court decides, by a 7

  to 2 vote, that you cannot count three oranges as one item in the express checkout lane “unless they are all in the same package.”

  27—Georgia Senator Sam Nunn announces that he doesn’t want to be president. Cuomo challenges him to a debate.

  28—In the Persian Gulf, tensions MOunt as a U.S. gunboat engages in a scuffle with actor Sean Penn.

  September

  1—The FAA, responding to consumer complaints, issues tough new rules under which airlines are required to notify passengers “within a reasonable period of time” if their plane has crashed.

  2—In Washington, reporters notice that at some point—possibly during a speech by Senator Inouye, when everybody was asleep—the ongoing Iran-contra hearings turned into the ongoing confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork.

  7—As the arrival of Pope John Paul II approaches, the South Florida news media begin mass-producing special helpful news supplements advising the public on how to avoid the massive crowds and traffic and heat.

  8—Researcher Shere Hite releases her scientific new book, Men Are Scum. The South Florida news media continue to generate massive quantities of helpful hurricane-style news alerts concerning the upcoming papal visit and what the public should do to avoid massive crowds and traffic and heat and crime.

  9—In Washington, D.C., ground is broken for the $25.4 million Presidential Polyp Museum. South Florida experiences an epidemic of hernias suffered by residents attempting to pick up newspapers filled with helpful papal supplements informing them how to cope with massive crowds and traffic and heat and crime and disease and death.

  10—IT is a glorious moment for South Florida as Pope John Paul II is greeted by an estimated crowd of 3,000 soldiers garbed in festive camouflage outfits, frowning warily at 1,500 news media personnel crouching on the ground to confirm that the manhole covers are, in fact, welded shut.

  12—In the ongoing hearings, Senator Joseph Biden pledges to consider the Bork nomination “with total objectivity,” adding, “You have that on my honor not only as a senator, but also as the Prince of Wales.”

  17—The market-savvy McDonald’s Corporation, capitalizing on the popularity of the movie Fatal Attraction, introduces a new menu item, Boiled McRabbits. 2

  1—Professional football players go on strike, demanding the right to “have normal necks.” Negotiations begin under the guidance of mediator Mario Cuomo.

  28—Tensions ease in the Persian Gulf as a Delta Air Lines flight, en route from Boston to Newark, successfully lands on the U.S. carrier Avocado.

  October

  1—Senator Joseph Biden is forced to withdraw from the Democratic presidential race when it is learned that he is in fact an elderly Norwegian woman. On the Republican side, the spectacular Reverend Pat Robertson announces his candidacy for president, buoyed by stro
ng popularity among humor columnists.

  8—Three hundred prominent law professors sign a petition stating that Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork has a “weenie beard.”

  12—Hurricane Floyd, packing a wind estimated at 14 miles per hour, lashes South Florida, wreaking more than $67.50 worth of havoc. Governor “Bob” Martinez, after touring the devastated area via golf cart, pledges that he will request federal disaster relief, then campaign against it.

  15—In an effort to establish that she is not a bimbo, Jessica Hahn appears nude in Playboy magazine. We are pretty sure we must have made this item up.

  19—In Norman, Okla., a renegade automatic bank teller known to its followers only as “The Leader” sends a message out on a special data-transmission line to New York. Within seconds, Wall Street is gripped by the worst computer riot in history.

  20—The Wall Street computers continue to rage out of control, threatening that if any attempt is made to subdue them, they will start electrocuting investment bankers. Tragically, it turns out that they are only bluffing.

  22—As the stock market is brought under control, major brokerage firms run expensive prime-time TV commercials reassuring the public that this is a good time to get back into the market, prompting the public to wonder how come these firms didn’t spend a few bucks last week to warn everybody to get the hell out.

  23—The Senate rejects Bork. President Reagan, informed of this by his aides, angrily responds: “Who?”

  25—The Senate Transportation committee recommends the federal speed limit be raised on highways going through boring or ugly areas, so drivers can get through them quicker. “In Indiana, for instance,” the committee says,