by Matt Shaw
“Well you can be here for me now,” Jackie had said when Kim finally calmed down and the tears started.
* * * * *
Kim didn’t say anything to Kirk. She wanted to tell him everything. She had always wanted to tell someone but, until now, she never felt as though she had anyone to talk to. If she couldn’t tell Leon – who could she tell? She always presumed people, friends and strangers, would just have dismissed her as a drug-addict whore and now she knew things had gone too far to tell anyone. She knew that, soon, everyone would come to know what she was but she still didn’t have the nerve to come clean to Kirk. Kim just wanted to enjoy the feeling of someone being nice to her whilst it lasted.
“You don’t have to tell me,” said Kirk, much to Kim’s relief. He smiled. He didn’t really want to know. He didn’t care. Kim could do whatever she wanted. It was none of his business but he knew, now, the chances are she wouldn’t challenge him about Tracy. She could challenge him about anything but not Tracy.
Kim smiled a ‘thank you’ to Kirk and sat back lost in thought. If Jackie could have known the lifestyle Kim would have ended up with, Kim wondered, would she still have wanted her to stand by her when she was ill.
Kirk leant forward into Kim’s line of sight and smiled, “Did you want me to run you that bath?”
Kim blinked a couple of times and focused on him, “Could you just talk to me for a while longer?”
He thought for a while before saying, “So what did you do after college?” Rightly or wrongly he presumed she didn’t become a working-girl straight away – she must have had a life before all of this. He thought she must have at least chased some of her dreams for a while. He thought it might have been something they could talk about, together, to pass the time.
Kim could see what Kirk was trying to do. She could see that Kirk wanted to get her to open up about her past – her past before the bad things that happened to her. She knew that she couldn’t keep everything from him – it was just a shame that, when she left college, she had already started the chain reaction that led her to this -the chain reaction that led her today. As she struggled to find anything positive about her life, to tell him, a tear rolled down her cheek. Kirk took hold of her hand and gave it a squeeze letting her know – he was there. Kim knew what it meant. Another tear rolled down her cheek. She desperately wanted to tell him – tell him everything.
“What is it?” asked Kirk as he ignored Tracy as she stood next to Kim, giving her evil looks. He knew to ignore Tracy. He knew she was in his mind. Even so – it was the first time he had actually wanted to ignore her. He wanted to talk to Kim. “What’s wrong?”
He squeezed her hand again.
“I’m scared,” she said.
“You don’t have to be scared. I’m here. You’re safe with me. What’s wrong? What is it you want to tell me?” he risked her clamming up completely again but sensed that he was close to finding out exactly what was wrong. He sensed that she wanted to tell him; she wanted to share her secrets.
“You won’t understand. You won’t want me here,” continued Kim. She hoped that Kirk would reassure her that he would understand and that he would want her there. She wanted him to reassure her that she could tell him everything and he wouldn’t think any different of her.
Kirk whispered to her, as though a lowered tone of voice would be more convincing, “You can tell me anything. I’m not going anywhere. You’re not going anywhere.” It was the answer that she wanted. “Whatever it is – I’ll help you through it.” He could sense Tracy was seething. She could seethe all she wanted; he’d worry about that later.
“Promise me,” said Kim. It didn’t matter if he did or didn’t make the promise. She had already decided; she had already made up her mind.
“I promise,” he said. “We all have our secrets.”
9
THERE WAS A TIME when Leon used to take Kim out; proud to be seen with her - proud to have her on his arm. For the first few years of their relationship those times were frequent and varied with regards to the activities undertaken. Sometimes they’d go to the pictures to see a new movie, sometimes they would go to a nice restaurant, sometimes he’d be happy to take her to town where they’d dance and drink the night away. Kim liked those memories of Leon. Back then, he was a completely different man to the one that sat opposite her now. Now she didn’t know what he was – she didn’t know what he had become and she didn’t know whether she was the reason he had become like this. It was as though, overnight, his whole personality had changed. Whereas before he had loved and cherished Kim, now he thought nothing of her. She believed he must have thought nothing of her – to ask this of her.
Leon didn’t know Jackie when she was first diagnosed with cancer. He hadn’t been there and he didn’t know what both Jackie and Kim had gone through to beat the disease. The second time Jackie was diagnosed with cancer, too late to save her, Kim was working as a nursery school teacher where she, one day, hoped to follow in her mum’s footsteps. As her mum progressively got worse Kim knew she would have to leave her job to care for her, full time. Jackie was adamant that she should continue to work but Kim wasn’t having any of it. She wanted to be there for her mum, for the second time. Unfortunately Leon didn’t understand. He always believed that Kim should continue to work and they could always get someone else in to look after Jackie, when the disease required her to move in with Leon and Kim. Leon had always said that the bills wouldn’t pay themselves and he was right. As the bills piled up and they struggled to cope on his wages – he blamed Kim. Jackie couldn’t help being ill. It wasn’t her fault. Leon wasn’t close to his family as he grew up and didn’t understand why Kim had to be by her side day and night. Kim had tried explaining but all Leon saw was the mounting pile of unpaid bills and final reminders.
Kim looked at Leon in disbelief. She had wanted to laugh but, deep down and with the way Leon had been acting recently, she knew there was no way he could be joking. She knew he was serious.
“Take it as a compliment,” he said to her, late one evening, after he had got back from Frank’s house. Frank was his friend since college. He wasn’t particularly good-looking and was normally shy around Kim – rarely daring to even say a word to her other than the usual ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’. Around Kim his mouth was normally closed but his eyes were always open; open and looking in her direction.
After one too many drinks Frank, in a drunken state, had told Leon that he’d pay good money to be able to fuck Kim. He had explained, in graphic detail, how he’d like to hit her from behind. He had explained, with slurring speech, how Leon was so lucky to have a woman like Kim with him. He had explained how, at times, he wished he could be Leon just to get close to Kim – closer then the usual confines of ‘friends’, not that Kim even really saw her and Frank as friends. She was indifferent. Regardless, Frank explained exactly how he felt about Kim. Leon, on the other hand, listened with a sickly, sweet illegal substance flowing through his veins. The sickly, sweet illegal substance that both helped Leon forget about his money problems, and also helped add to them.
“How could you say that you love me and then ask me to do this?” asked Kim. Her voice was quiet. Recently Leon had been quick to lose his temper and she didn’t want to upset him – never mind the fact that she found his suggestions insulting and degrading.
“I do love you but we need the money,” said Leon. “If you had stayed at work instead of here, with your mum, we wouldn’t be in this financial mess.” He didn’t give her a chance to respond. He knew she’d only say that she had to be there for her mum. He didn’t care. “We are two months behind in the rent. They could evict us anytime now and then where will we go? Your mum chose to be here instead of a hospital – where would she go?”
Kim started crying. She knew where her mum would go. She’d end up in a hospital. Jackie didn’t want to be in a hospital. Not now. The doctors had told her the cancer had spread quickly and there was nothing more they could do for her
other than to try and make her as comfortable as possible. Jackie had said that she’d only be comfortable if she were allowed home – with her daughter. The hospital arranged for a bed to be brought to the house, and set up in the lounge, for Jackie and frequent visits were now part of the daily routine; checking that she was as okay as anyone could be in that position. Kim couldn’t let her mum go back to the hospital.
“It would be a one time thing. A one time thing to help us out of this situation you’ve got us into. We need this and deep down you know it.”
Kim was trapped. If it had been any other time she would have stormed out of the house. She would have stormed out of the house and out of his life. It didn’t matter how much she wanted to argue with him. It didn’t matter how much she wanted to run from him – she knew, in the end, he was right. They did need the money and she couldn’t allow them to lose the house. She couldn’t allow them to lose her mum back to the hospital. Jackie knew the end was coming but, when she wasn’t in pain, she tried not to think of it. The hospital took away the illusion that everything was alright.
“Don’t be fucking stupid,” hissed Leon as his mood changed for the worse. “We have a chance to put things right for us but we have to take it.”
“Won’t it upset you that someone else is with me?” said Kim through her tears – hoping that his temper wouldn’t continue to rise.
“Of course it will, I’ll just have to deal with it,” he replied. Kim didn’t believe him. She believed, honestly, that Leon didn’t care if someone else slept with her. “COME ON!” he shouted as the final bit of patience within him withered away.
“Please don’t shout. Don’t wake mum up.”
Kim could have gone to her auntie’s house. Kim could have gone and taken Jackie with her but she didn’t want Jackie to see that she wasn’t happy with Leon. She didn’t want her to think she was leaving her daughter behind at a time when Kim needed her most. Kim thought she could always leave after her mum had died – hopefully fooling her mum into thinking that she was settled and everything would be alright for her even though Jackie could no longer be by her side.
Kim wiped the tears from her eyes – this would just be another sacrifice to allow her mum the chance of resting in peace, “Okay.”
* * * * *
Kim had insisted on the hotel room. She didn’t want to see Frank in their house with her mum downstairs, potentially hearing everything. Jackie was bedridden now but her hearing hadn’t failed her. She didn’t need to hear her daughter sleeping with another man.
The hotel room was basic. A king-size bed was pushed against the far wall with bedside cabinets either side of it. On one of the cabinets was a small Bible and, on the other, a television control for the set that was on the television stand at the other side of the room.
The door opened and Leon walked in carrying a plastic bag with him, “He’ll be here soon, put this on.” Kim took the bag and peered in – lingerie. Red, lacy knickers with a matching bra – still with the price tag.
She looked to him and said, “Are you really okay with this?” She didn’t need to ask. He was more than fine. If anything – he seemed to be enjoying the setting up of the appointment.
He ignored the question, “I’ll be downstairs in the bar. I have my phone on me if you need anything. Now get ready.” He gave her a peck on the cheek and backed out of the room leaving Kim to prepare for Frank’s arrival.
As Kim slowly stripped off and put the new underwear on, her mind frantically raced. She had always been thinking about seeing Frank but, until now, she had never really given the actual details much thought. She knew what he wanted. She knew what was expected. She knew that Leon had placed some ground rules down for Frank to follow. She just didn’t know how to go about doing any of it. Was she supposed to make the first move? Was he going to take care of everything? Would he stick to the ground rules? Were they just going to get straight into the act itself or was there going to be a little foreplay first? Did he want foreplay? Was he going to take the lead or, as he was paying, was she expected to? Would they talk first? Would they have a little drink first to calm their nerves? Was he even feeling nervous? A quiet knock on the door signalled Frank’s arrival. A quiet knock that’s sole purpose was to let Kim know he was there and not get her to actually answer the door for, straight after the tap of his knuckle, Kim heard the sound of the key card being swiped through the lock.
By the time Frank walked in, Kim was sat on the bed, nervously waiting for him, trying to force herself to smile. She didn’t have time to wonder whether she needed to look as though she was happy to be there. At the end of the day it didn’t matter – Frank had only said how much he had wanted to fuck her and not how much he had wanted to have a conversation with her.
“Hi,” he said as he licked his lips and removed his top. “You look great.” Frank was full of a confidence Kim hadn’t seen in him before. Unknown to Kim it was a confidence brought about by the use of illegal substances. Kim answered him by removing her bra. “Man, you look fucking great,” Frank continued as he kicked his trousers and pants off revealing an erection.
Kim shuddered as the situation suddenly became a whole lot more real, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this,” she said as she went to get up only to be stopped by Frank.
“You can’t back out now. I’ve paid good money.”
“I’ll get you your money back.”
“And how do you think you’re going to do that? I know about the mess you two are in and Leon’s already spent the money.” Frank pushed Kim back and caressed her breast causing her nipple to harden through the sensation – not that her mind enjoyed it. Kim wasn’t aware Frank had paid in advance. She thought he was going to give her the money just before they did anything. She wasn’t aware Leon didn’t trust her enough to make the collection. She felt Frank’s penis slide against her panties.
“Please – stop,” she said knowing that it would sting if he pushed in when she wasn’t wet enough. She pushed Frank off herself and sat up.
“Okay, if you don’t want to go ahead with it that’s fine. Let’s just call Leon back up here, shall we? Let’s see what he has to say.”
Another feeling of helplessness crept over Kim. If she pulled out of the meeting now, Leon would be quick to anger. He’d have been even angrier if he had already spent the money too as they had no way of paying anything back. With little option Kim closed her eyes and laid back, “I just didn’t think you would want to rush it,” she said, “I thought you’d want to get your monies worth from me.” She peeled her panties off and dropped them onto the bed, next to her.
Frank smiled and inside Kim died. “What did you have in mind?” he asked.
Kim purred, “I want you to lick me.” Her tones flowed from her mouth as though she were suddenly a sexual predator. Frank smiled. “And you have to wear a condom,” she finished as he went down on her. She knew his saliva would help when it would come down to the actual penetration. The wetness of his spittle would take the sting off. The wetness of his spittle would be the only way she’d get wet.
“You taste so good,” he sighed as he continued to lap away at her. He believed the shudders she was experiencing were because of his natural skills as opposed to the shudders being down to revulsion. The mere thought of his tongue, his spit, against her vagina made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end.
“I can’t wait to see how tight you are,” said Frank when he finally emerged from between her legs. Before Kim could say, or do, anything she felt the tip of his uncovered penis against her vagina lips. Before she could remind him that he had to wear a condom, also one of Leon’s rules, she felt him thrust deep inside of her. The shock of the penetration caused her to let out a scream; a scream that Frank took as a good sign as he pushed deeper inside of her. Kim caught her breath as Frank pulled out a little, only to have it taken from her again as he pushed himself back in – hard – building up to a frantic pace. Thankfully, for Kim, it was over within a coupl
e of minutes as Frank ejaculated inside her. The thought of Frank being disease-free didn’t cross her mind. She didn’t care – she was just grateful that he was done already. He lay back onto his side and looked at her, stroking her hair. Kim didn’t look to him – she just lay in the same position and stared up to the ceiling; mortified at what she had just done.
“Thanks for that,” said Frank as he picked up her panties and rubbed it across her pussy – the panties’ material soaking up her juices and soft scent, a fragrant memento for him to remember her by. He gave them a test sniff before he jumped up from the bed. “I couldn’t believe it when Leon offered me the chance to fuck you.”
“What?”
“He said that you were talking about wanting to fuck me but he’d only allow it if I paid,” Frank laughed as he pulled his clothes back on, “worth every penny.”
