by Bonnie Dee
So why was it so hard for me to make a leap and accept his proposal?
Because wearing this ring indicated a long-term promise. Although my heart felt ready to make that step, my logical lawyer brain continued to weigh pros and cons.
I heard Jason’s footsteps in the hallway and quickly pulled the ring off my finger and jammed it into the box, which I put in my suitcase.
My mom had prepared another culinary treat for lunch. I complimented her on her newfound cooking skill. “But I shouldn’t be surprised. Whatever you decide to do, you always accomplish it one hundred percent.”
“As do you,” she said. “Like it or not, you’re your mother’s daughter. Success is in your genes.”
She was joking in her own way, but good Lord, couldn’t she hear how arrogant that sounded? I quickly changed the subject. Gossiping about Chloe’s boys was the only thing I could think of that we might agree on, so I commented on how energetic they were. That set my Mom off and running about destructive tendencies and proper behavior.
That topic saw us through lunch, after which my dad took Jason off to the garage to show him his woodworking tools. This left me alone with my mom at last, and the private time I’d dreaded was at hand.
“Your young man seems very sweet.” She sipped tea from the fine bone china I remembered so well from my childhood and the two cups I’d managed to break from this family heirloom.
“He is,” I agreed. “Very sweet and funny. And clever.”
“Oh? In what way.”
“The way he thinks of things. I don’t know. Did you want specific examples?”
She set her cup onto its saucer with a gentle click and set it on the table. “It’s just… I understand that you like him, even love him. But do you really have enough in common with him to make a life together?”
I opened my mouth to argue, and she put up a hand.
“I’m not trying to be negative or judgmental. That’s not my intent at all. I only want you to truly think about what your life together might be like as you move forward in your career and he… Well, what do you imagine Jason doing in a year, two years, ten? Will he challenge you in the ways you need to be challenged?”
Impotent fury boiled in my veins. My mother was a master of eliciting exactly the answers she expected to her questions. She’d made a career of manipulating witnesses to receive the appropriate response, and she was still able to twist my head around.
I swallowed. “Mother, I don’t wish to discuss my relationship with Jason with you. If you look at it with strict logic, of course it doesn’t make much sense, but you have no idea what I feel or how we are together.”
She nodded. “Oh yes. I think I do. I watched you play in the snow earlier. He’s fun. A good diversion. He makes you relax and not take yourself so seriously, which is refreshing. Maybe he’s just what you need for right now.” She smiled and adjusted the clasp on her bracelet. “I’m not completely oblivious to his charms, Anna. But I know you and I don’t believe that long term he will supply what you need.”
A slurry of hurt and disappointment and anger swirled in me. She’d done exactly what I feared—lulled me into a false sense of security, then pounced. She’d pushed all the hot buttons I worried at on a daily basis and made me doubt myself, my love, my commitment to Jason.
I stood up. “Well, you’re wrong, Mother, and it doesn’t matter what you believe anyway. Jason and I are already engaged. We were waiting to tell you until Christmas day, but it’s already done. So you can keep your opinions to yourself and offer me your congratulations.”
Her eyebrows rose nearly to her hairline, which was so satisfying I almost didn’t care what I’d blurted.
“In that case, Anna, I hope you’ll be happy and never regret your choice.”
As I stalked away, I already knew I’d made a big mistake—not in saying yes to the engagement, which I knew had been only a matter of time before I did—but in the way I’d gone about it. Instead of a loving acceptance of Jason, it had been a challenge thrown down to my mother. Wrong. All wrong. But the words were out of my mouth now, and there was no way to fix it.
I would have to talk to Jason before my mom said something. I hurried toward the garage to try to get him away from my dad so we could talk privately.
Chapter Six
Jason
“That’s a…really nice birdhouse, sir.” I couldn’t think of anything else to add, no matter how hard I tried. I’d already used up my stock of words during lunch, and now I was really ready for some quiet time to regroup and reorganize my scattered brain.
I picked up a chisel and set it down again, breathed in the scent of fresh wood, and wished I could stay out here alone and do some woodworking myself.
Baby jumped against my leg, begging me to pick her up. I obeyed and found her warm, squirmy body comforting in my arms. I scratched between her ears and continued to examine the elaborate Victorian house Mr. Stevens had created for bluebirds.
“It’s all right, Jason. I’m not much for talking either. Pretty ironic for a former lawyer, I guess.”
“You enjoying your retirement?” I asked.
It was his turn to pick up a tool and examine it as if he’d never seen it before. “My wife will tell you I’ve gotten a little obsessed with golf. Truth is, at first I didn’t know what to do with myself without a case to prepare for, but now I’m pretty content.” He set down the screwdriver. “I’m afraid I wasn’t around much when Anna was growing up. I worked all the time. Wish I’d been aware enough to make time for what was important, but it’s too late now.”
I didn’t know if I was supposed to say I was sorry or what, so I kept quiet and held on to the wriggling dog.
“She grew into a woman, and I missed it. All I can do now is hope she makes good decisions and has a happy life.”
I nodded. This was the part where he’d tell me I wasn’t the guy who could give her that. But before Stan could say anything more, the door opened and Anna came into the garage.
“Hey. How’s it going?” Her smile didn’t reach her eyes, and tension had returned to the set of her shoulders. I assumed she’d gotten into it with her mom about something.
“Your dad was showing me what he’s been working on,” I said. “A birdhouse.”
“Oh my God, Dad, that’s gorgeous.” She crossed to the workbench and examined the multi-tiered, gingerbread-trimmed house. “You and Mom are getting into all sorts of new things.”
“Swinging too. You know us retirees, always looking for the next thrill.”
I blinked. Did I really hear that? Then both father and daughter were laughing together. So, Stan had a sense of humor. Who knew?
After a few moments of exclaiming over her father’s project, Anna caught my eye. “Want to take Baby on a walk?”
I got the leash and hooked it onto the dog’s collar, but we barely got out of the garage before two cars pulled into the driveway. Cousin Chloe’s family and the aunt and uncle whose names I couldn’t remember were back already.
Haynes and Gulliver popped out of one car and raced toward us. “Can we play with Baby? Are you taking her on a walk? Can we go too?”
As Anna hugged her aunt and uncle and everyone spoke loudly about different things, I stepped back from the noise. The gist of it all was that Holiday Wonderland had been a bust. The lines were too long. Anna’s aunt complained the flight from Florida had been terrible, and there’d been some sort of trouble getting the rental car. The uncle groused about how awful holiday traffic was, while Haynes and Gulliver continued to clamor that they really, really wanted to walk Baby.
Anna grabbed my hand, pulled me forward to introduce me and Baby to her relatives. I shook hands, said. “Pleased to meet you,” but inside I was withdrawing from the situation, sort of watching from a distance. Sometimes, when there’s too much happening, that’s the only way I can deal with it.
I offered to take the dog on a walk while Anna spent time with her family. I needed a breather and was gra
teful when Chloe refused her boys’ request to go with me.
“You two need to go inside now. Maybe you can play with the dog later.”
Anna’s mom and dad had come out of the house, and the greetings resumed. I inched away from the group. Baby pulled at the leash in my hand. She wanted to leave too.
Anna came over to me and touched my arm. “I want to talk to you when I get a chance, but right now I need to…” She gestured at the chattering family group.
“That’s okay. You go ahead,” I said. “Later.”
She nodded. “Later.” And her small smile seemed like a promise.
It felt good to crunch down the snow-covered sidewalk and breathe in fresh air. I was finished with people for a while. Baby didn’t expect anything from me but a nice, long walk and some dog chow afterward.
I walked past hedges and fences trimmed with holly and lights. All the houses were set far back from the road, but I caught glimpses of beautifully decorated homes. I turned at the first left and strolled past a lawn filled with a child’s fantasy of Santa’s workshop, another with a life-size nativity.
Baby pulled to the right, trying to get at a squirrel that shot up a tree. I gave her some slack, allowing her to lead me the direction she wanted to go. Poor girl had been cooped up too much over the past few days.
I walked facing a sharp breeze, and soon my cheeks and nose were numb. Time to start back, I decided. Rather than return the way I’d come, I decided to circle the block and approach from another direction. But what should’ve been the next right turn was a left only, and after that there was a three-way split. I took the path on the right. Hadn’t I been making right turns all along? Another one should eventually get me back where I started.
The wind blew harder, driving behind me now so at least my face was somewhat protected. My fingers and toes were getting cold despite my gloves and boots. I imagined that Baby had about reached her limit too, even with her thick fur coat.
I was pretty sure I was heading in more or less the right direction, even though none of the houses looked familiar. I wondered if I gave the dog her head, if she’d lead me home like a horse returning to its barn. Except this wasn’t her home. She wasn’t any more familiar with this area than I was.
Another crossroads. I glanced down and saw it was a dead end, so I trudged on. With every step, my frustration at myself grew. A grown-assed man who couldn’t be trusted to take a dog for a walk without getting lost—it was humiliating.
Another block and another right-hand turn, and still nothing looked familiar. Tiny shards of ice pelted me along with the wind, and I worried about Baby’s paws. Could a dog get frostbite? But she seemed happy enough, still prancing along even though her tan fur was encrusted with snow.
I stopped and looked around at the hedges and fences and fucking Christmas decorations. I wondered if I was going to have to swallow my pride, knock on the door of one of the places, and ask if they knew where Stan and Jackie Stevens lived. Then I glimpsed a light. Another goddamn Christmas light, but this one was star-shaped and shone above a stable.
I recognized the nativity from earlier. Somehow I’d ended up nearly back where I started. I walked over to the fence and peered through at the wise men and shepherds and holy family. Baby Jesus’s mouth was a pursed little bow. He didn’t look like a kid who would grow up to be a revolutionary. Would he point me home if I prayed to him now?
Baby barked and pulled to the left, nearly jerking me off my feet. All right. I decided to trust her instincts and followed her along a route that looked increasingly familiar, although a lot darker than when we’d walked it the first time. Clouds and an early sunset had turned on the streetlights already. They illuminated the sidewalk before me all the way back to the Stevenses’ house. I hurried up the driveway toward the brightly lit house and into the garage.
God bless heated garages. I poured kibble into Baby’s dish. She crunched it up quickly while I removed my snowy coat and boots.
The garage door flew open, and Anna stepped through. “Where have you been? We were about to go out looking for you. What happened?”
“I got temporarily misplaced, but I found my way back. Jesus and the nativity star pointed the way,” I cracked.
She didn’t smile. “Well… I’m glad you’re okay. But hurry up, okay? My mom’s been holding dinner while we waited for you.”
“Right. I’m really sorry.”
“That’s okay.”
I followed her inside, reaching down and pulling up my socks, one of them damp from the hole in my boot. I wished I had time to put on shoes, but Anna grabbed my hand and led me straight to the living room. All eyes were on me, and I squirmed inside. Whether they were judging and finding me incompetent or it was my own self-doubt, I don’t know. But I felt about an inch tall.
“He’s okay,” Anna announced and gave my hand a little squeeze. “Just got turned around.”
Aunt Patty smiled sympathetically. “This neighborhood can be confusing. We nearly turned on the wrong street on our way here.”
“Thank heavens you’re all right. We were about to send out a search party.” Jackie set her wineglass aside and rose from her seat. “Well, I guess we’d better eat.”
After all that time outdoors, I needed to pee, but I wasn’t about to excuse myself or make them wait for even another second. I accompanied Anna into the dining room and took my place beside her.
As the conversation moved on, my embarrassment at getting lost faded. I was able to stay pretty quiet and concentrate on my meal while the rest of them talked about relatives and family memories. Chloe’s two little boys seemed about as bored as I was with the conversation and, after bolting their food, asked to be excused to go play. When it was only the adults sitting at the table, the topic shifted, and a spotlight shone on me again.
“How long have you two been dating?” Anna’s aunt asked.
“Since last summer,” Anna said.
“How’d you meet?”
“At work.” Anna didn’t say more, and I wondered if she’d told anyone how we happened to come together. It was hardly romantic and involved an embarrassing memory for her.
“You work at the firm too?” Aunt Patty looked at me doubtfully. I didn’t look like the lawyer type, and she was probably wondering about my scar and limp. Apparently, nobody had filled her in about me, which, on the bright side, meant the family wasn’t gossiping.
“No. I work with animals. At a kennel.”
“Oh. Well, that must be nice.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I changed the subject. “I heard you live in Florida now. How do you like it?”
“It’s too humid in summer, but the winters make it worthwhile.” She lobbed the ball back into my court. “So, are you two getting serious?”
“Nearly engaged, apparently.” Anna’s mom bit off the words crisply, and for just a second, I heard her daughter’s voice, the way Anna sounded when she was irritated about something.
I glanced at my girlfriend. Her mom wouldn’t have pulled that bit of news out of her ass. Anna must have told her about my proposal.
Her lips were tight. “I told you we weren’t ready to announce it yet.”
She’d accepted? News to me. For a moment, I thought maybe I’d had some sort of complete memory blackout or else misunderstood her answer when I’d popped the question. But no. Anna was frowning at her mom. This wasn’t about me at all. It was about making some sort of point in their ongoing battle.
Anna took my hand, which was resting on the tabletop, and held it. “Well, since you brought it up, Mom. Yes, Jason has asked me to marry him, and I’ve accepted.”
Nice one, Anna. A flare of anger and hurt flickered through me. This was not the sort of “yes” I wanted to receive. Not like this. Not as a fuck you to her folks. Was that the only reason I was even here? A wrong-side-of-the-tracks guy brought home to throw in her parents’ faces?
Following Anna’s announcement, a murmur of congratulations went around the table. Co
usin Chloe and Woolly seemed sincere. Talkative Aunt Patty asked if we had a date in mind. Her silent husband offered a small smile. As for Anna’s parents, her mom seemed to be biting back the things she really wanted to say, while Stan gave me a long, level stare I wasn’t sure how to interpret.
Anna’s hand around mine was too tight and too hot. I pulled away from her grip.
“Excuse me. I need to”—get the hell out of here—“be excused.” I pushed back my chair a little too hard as I stood, and it nearly fell over. Woody reached out to catch it.
Of course my hip chose that moment to lock up, and I had to grab the edge of the table to steady myself. Smooth.
Anna frowned up at me. “Are you all right? Can I help you?”
“No,” I snapped, feeling my jaw clench like a fist. I took a breath and managed a tense smile. “I’m great. Just need to…” For a moment, I could only think of the crude phrase “take a piss,” then more formal words popped into my mind. “Use the facilities.”
I got my balance, ordered my leg to obey, and limped out of the dining room with as much dignity and calm as I could muster. But I knew Anna knew I was pissed. We’d been together long enough to read each other’s moods. I knew she’d probably come after me in a few seconds, and right then, I didn’t want her to.
Was this what it was always going to be like with us, one step forward and two steps back, never quite in sync? We might love each other, but was that going to be enough? Given the differences in our lives, Anna and I could easily have never come in contact with each other. The fact that we had was either a fluke or a miracle, depending on how you viewed it. For me, it was definitely a wonderful miracle, but I was starting to wonder if deep down Anna truly accepted me with all my limitations. I doubted whether she loved me half as much as I did her.
After using the guest bathroom, I paused for a moment, listening to the voices floating from the dining room. No way was I ready to return to that. I headed toward the bedroom, clinging to the bannister as I made my awkward way upstairs. In the hallway, the sound of giggling kids and a barking dog stopped me.
