Lost in Flight

by Neeny Boucher

  Gabby looked at her. “Not to me. I’ve got nothing but time on my hands, Dina, and I asked. I want you to tell me. I’ve never asked Riley. I wanted to hear it from you, because YOU are my big sister.”

  Christina was touched by Gabby’s words. She needed to hear that she was an important part of her family. She’d been distant from them for so long and with good reason, but she wanted that connection and assurance that she belonged. Right now, she felt like she was being sidelined and they were building a life that excluded her, but included Riley.

  “Um, Dina,” Gabby said, “did you, you know, have to get married?”

  Christina stared at her for a bit and then laughed. “No. No-no-no-no-no. We wanted to – crazy I know, considering how things turned out. Dad found Riley and me in bed – naked – together. If he’d been any earlier, he would have got the whole show.”

  Gabby started to giggle, setting off Christina. “Dad went crazy,” giggled Christina, “I know it’s not funny, but he threw Riley out, put bars on my bedroom window – seriously – locks on all the doors.”

  “I remember that,” laughed Gabby. “The locks on the doors and the bars on your windows - Mom said it was because there were thieves in the neighborhood.”

  “Thieves - in Shanwick? Oh that’s hilarious! Horny teenagers more like it and it still didn’t keep us away from each other. If it were thieves, we would have known who they were.” Christina sighed. “I got grounded right? After Dad found us naked, well, I was about a month off being 18 and we didn’t want to be apart. So, we waited until the day after my birthday, so we didn’t need parental permission. Then we ran off and got married. We got married in old clothes from second hand stores. Mandy, Bonnie and I looked like ‘hooker waitresses’ and the guys looked like freaks.”

  Both Martin sisters looked at each other and cringe giggled. Christina said, “Yeah. No one was happy. We had a family meeting with Riley’s parents and his brother. They were so angry. Well they don’t really do angry, but you know what I mean. They kept saying things like ‘disappointed’. Mom did all the yelling.”

  Christina screwed her face up at the memories because even after all this time they still made her wince. “None of our parents would support us financially. They wanted to teach us a lesson. We didn’t think any of it through. They said if we were old enough to get married we were old enough to take care of ourselves. Riley went psycho. Told them all to go F themselves and we stormed out.”

  “Hold up,” queried Gabby, “but the Rileys let you live in the farmhouse”?

  Christina nodded. “Yes – they did. They were kind to do that, but we had to support ourselves. You know… you never think of all the little things like, um, food… when you’re trying to live on romance.”

  Gabby giggled. “Shit got real huh?”

  Christina rolled her eyes and grinned. “Oh, yeah. We never had enough money and Riley didn’t care. It-just-didn’t-bother-him, but it drove me insane. He went away to work and we hardly saw each other. When we did, we just fought all the time and I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I wanted out. It felt like I was drowning in misery.”

  “Dina, where did Johnny stand in all this”?

  Christina shrugged. “He did his best, but he wanted to keep right out of it, especially when it all went to hell. He used to say he was neutral – like Sweden. I told him he meant Switzerland, but geography and sane women were never his strong suits.”

  They both started laughing. Johnny really did march to the beat of his own drum or guitar. Little phased or bothered him; especially minor details like the correct names of countries. “You know - he still calls himself ‘Sweden’ to this day.” Both Martin sisters laughed even harder.

  Gabby said, “How did it end?”

  Christina winced. “Bad.”

  “Want to tell me about it?”

  Christina shook her head. “Not really, but I’ll tell you some of it. Buckle up and get comfy. Um, do you remember when I left for college?”

  Gabby shrugged. “Kind of.”

  “Well, just before I left for college I made an appointment with a divorce lawyer and this is when the shit really did get real.”

  Chapter Thirteen – Boarding passes

  Christina, Shanwick, The Past, July 2004 (Seven and a half years ago)

  When an almost 21-year-old grief stricken Christina made her way to Wenatchee to consult a divorce lawyer, she was not in a good place. Riley and Christina had been married two years when her mother was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. Mom had been given three months to live and she lasted six. She died with her family standing around her bedside, frozen in grief.

  Shortly before her mother passed away, she asked Christina to make a promise that she would go to college or just do something with her life. Mom told her that she’d made a mistake with Riley, but that everyone makes mistakes. It was how you rectified them that really mattered. One of Christina’s fondest memories from this time, possibly the only one, was showing her mother the acceptance letters for college. Her mother was ecstatic, but she died before Christina attended.

  Riley came to her mother’s funeral and stood with his arms around her, telling her how sorry he was. “I’m here for you babe – forever - whatever you need.”

  Christina got up the next morning, packed her bags and left him. Riley didn’t realize she’d left him permanently. To his credit, he had given her all the space and time she needed to spend with her family. He hadn’t pressured or even fought with her, but it wasn’t enough. She felt they were going nowhere.

  She moved back into her parents home to take care of her Dad and Gabby. Gabby was nearly 16 and Dad appeared shell-shocked. Johnny spent his time split between the garage and his friends’ place, constantly stoned. He was unreachable and Christina felt like she was drowning. Her family was falling apart in front of her and she didn’t have the skills to put them back together.

  If she had one life to live, she wanted to do something with it. Her mother had died young and so had her mother’s mother. At the back of Christina’s mind, she worried that her life might be short too and she didn’t want to spend it waiting for something to happen in this small town. She knew the conversation with Riley was going to be unpleasant, but she needed to be true to herself.

  After she’d been gone 48 hours, Riley turned up on the doorstep, asking her to come home, but she shook her head. Riley’s eyes opened in surprise and his jaw clenched. “Why not?”

  She invited him into the house and they sat at the kitchen table. Riley’s eyes never left her face. Christina looked at him and he still made her heart skip a beat.

  Blinking back tears, Christina pushed the words out her closed throat. “It’s not working, baby. You know it and I know it. We need to let each other go.”

  Riley pushed his long dark hair off his face and stared at her. “Dina, come on baby. This is me: this is us. I know things haven’t been good, but we’ll get through this.”

  Christina looked down at her hands, but Riley moved forward and gently grabbed her chin. “This is grief, honey. Don’t shut me out. Your mother has just died…”

  She pushed his hand away. “I think I know that better than you.” Every time she made eye contact, she looked away because she knew this was going to cause them both pain.

  “I’m not fighting with you, Dina,” Riley said. “I’m not doing this. Look at me, Dina. Look-at-me.”

  When Christina looked up, he was staring at her and she realized: he hadn’t seen this coming. How could he? She didn’t really know what she wanted either. She gulped back tears saying, “I can’t stay here, Riley, with no money and no plans. I want to do something – ANYTHING – but I don’t want to wait here and die.”

  He nodded his head. “We have a plan, baby. Remember? We’re going to wait for the band to get more well known, and then you can join.”

  Christina sighed. “I don’t want to join the band, Riley – not if it means waiting for years. I-don’t-want-to. I
want to do something else.”

  Riley rubbed his hands over his face. “Okay. If that’s what you want – we’ll get out of here. We’ll go anywhere you want – do anything you want – just don’t do this.”

  She knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but she had never really understood how hard it would be. Tears fell down her face, which made him groan. He’d always hated her crying and if she could have kept them back she would.

  “I don’t believe that anymore, Riley,” she choked out. “You say one thing and do another. You leave me here and go away. We fight all the time. There’s not a lot of happiness here…”

  “Christina,” Riley interrupted. “We get our trust fund in three years. It’s three years and then we can do what we want.”

  She shook her head. “You get your trust fund in three years. And waiting? For three years? It’s an eternity for me, at the moment. I need to be by myself. I want to find myself. Find out who I am…”

  “What does that mean?” Riley snapped. “Find yourself? By leaving me?” He shook his head. “How does that work? I know you better than anyone else. You think I want to let you go off on your own – to god-knows-where when you’re grief stricken. You need time, but don’t make any changes you can’t take back when you’re in this state…”

  Christina put her hand up. “Wait. I’ve had a life-changing event, Riley. I see things differently now, and it’s clear to me, we can’t carry on how we are…”

  “Dina, stop over-reacting…”

  “I’m over-reacting?”

  Riley’s jaw clenched. “Yeah, you are. You’re making drama and for what? To make yourself more miserable? Add to your grief and push me away?”

  Christina closed her eyes and sighed. He always did this. Refused to listen and spoke over top of her. “I haven’t finished speaking and you are not listening to me. I don’t want this – us – to turn ugly. I’d rather remember us how we were, not how we are. I want to break up.”

  Riley stood up and his eyes had gone like cold green glass. He cocked his head to the side and hissed. “What? Were? What are you talking about? Come on, Dina. This is insane. I’m trying… okay… I’m trying. It hasn’t been easy for me either.”

  He moved forward and put his face in hers. “I love you and I always will, and I’m prepared to fight for us… even if you’re not. I want kids some day with you, Dina, we always said…”

  Christina stood up. “I don’t. Not anymore. How could we take care of kids, when we can’t take care of ourselves?”

  She wanted children too, but she wanted a life of her own first. She could never say no to Riley and she knew it would be only a matter of time before she gave in, and had children with him. She would be stuck here forever and the thought made her hyperventilate.

  Christina would shrivel up and die inside if that happened before she was ready. Children were an absolute for Riley. He had always talked about them and she knew how important they were to him.

  Riley looked like she’d punched him in the face. “Never?”

  She shook her head. “Never-say-never, but I can’t see it happening in the near future. I want my own life before bringing kids into it. I’ve never lived anywhere, but this town, Riley, and if we have kids, I never will.”

  Christina touched his arm, but he jerked it away. “Riley, face facts,” she pleaded. “We were just too young. We should never have done this and it’s time to move on.”

  Riley stared at her like he didn’t recognize her anymore. “Age has nothing to do with it, Dina. Some people never get to love the way we do and they never will. I’d rather take the tough times loving someone, than spend a lifetime settling for second best.”

  He put his hands up. “Give me some time to think about things, okay? I just need some time.” With that he stormed out of the house, leaving her sitting at the table dying a thousand deaths.

  ********************

  Riley

  Riley slammed his hands on the steering wheel of his truck and swore. Damn it. He was losing her. She was disappearing right before his eyes and she looked like hell. He was frightened of the dead look in her eyes and she was a shadow of her former self.

  He knew her mother had dripped poison in her ear. They had a plan and Dina was changing the rules on him. They’d always talked about music, travel, and kids. They were three years away from all of that being a reality.

  Now Dina wanted new experiences, ones that he had no interest in, and she was shutting him out. And she didn’t want kids? They’d always talked about having kids – four of them and now none. Or maybe she just didn’t want them with him? The thought made him see red, because that-was-not-happening.

  Riley shoved the truck in gear and drove home. He was sick of fighting with her and trying to please her. But what he hated the most, was watching the respect drain out of her eyes. She took him for granted. She took them for granted as well and maybe she needed a reality check?

  He’d seen loveless marriages and people staying together out of habit. They were everywhere and the love matches were the rare ones. He didn’t want that – never wanted it. He’d always wanted to marry for love and he had. If it didn’t work out, he’d live, but he wasn’t prepared to just let it go – not without a fight.

  If there was one thing he didn’t like, it was ultimatums and she’d just handed him a big one. Do as I say or I leave? Nice one. He shook his head – not happening.

  Riley went to the farmhouse and sat down, looking around. The place was empty without her and he hated it. He hated sleeping in bed when she wasn’t with him and he was tempted to go to the Martins just to crawl in beside her. He knew if he went over there she’d take him in, but he refused to cave after that conversation.

  He couldn’t make sense of it. This was so unlike her. Sure they’d had their fights, but nothing that couldn’t be resolved. She was feisty and strong, he had a temper, but they loved each other. He couldn’t imagine there was any obstacle they couldn’t overcome.

  Riley was pretty sure he could talk her around, once she’d got over her grief. This was crazy-talk. They were all crazy at the moment – Jack, Johnny, Gabby, and his Dina. She just needed time.

  He lay awake most of the night and as the sun rose, he got up, packed a bag and left. He’d asked for some time and he was going to take it. He drove slowly past the Martins and couldn’t see any lights on. He was going to knock on her bedroom window, but decided to leave it. He’d see her in a week. It would do her good to miss him.

  Riley made his way to Seattle to hang out with a friend, Mason Glenn, who used to be one of the outcast crew from Shanwick. He’d been in the same year as Christina and they’d hated each other. Mason was infamous and had the worst reputation – much more so than the Martins or Riley.

  Mason was viewed as dangerous, or in Shanwick-speak, “a child of Satan.” Rather than being upset by this, Mason reveled in it. He’d had undiagnosed ADHD at school, and put his compulsions into psychological torture of his teachers and the local church group. He’d just started an Internet company that Riley had invested in and it had caused a lot of friction between him and Dina. Riley, however, believed Mason was onto something.

  This was one of the few places Dina wouldn’t look for him and even if she did suspect he’d gone to Mason, she wouldn’t contact him here. She had a particularly way of spitting Mason’s name out – Massssson – that was a cross between a hiss and a growl. Also, Mason was notoriously hard to find. He was a professional squatter, who moved from place to place, not because he couldn’t afford one of his own, but he liked the excitement. Being busted by the cops and fleeing in the middle of the night, gave Mason an adrenaline rush.

  When he arrived at Mason’s latest squat, an old warehouse, Mason took one look at him and shook his head. “Women. Come on in. Don’t worry. This time it’s legit.”

  Riley looked at Mason and grinned. “Legit? You’ve dropped your standards.”

  The place was huge, filled with computers and �
��interesting” people. Some had dreads or tattoos and needed a shower, but the one thing they had in common: they were computer freaks. Music blared out over the stereo and one guy was watching hard-core porn. When he raised an eyebrow, Mason just pushed his lank black hair off his face and shrugged. “If there was an Olympic medal for porn, he’d win. Ignore it.”

  Riley gave Mason the abridged version of what had gone on between him and Dina, but didn’t want to discuss it too much. He’d come here to get away, not brood, and Mason was just the sort of company to do that with. They spent most of the week getting drunk and stoned, with Mason throwing women at him that he turned down. He hadn’t touched anyone else since he’d been with Dina and he wasn’t starting now. It really would be the end between them if that happened.

  Mason went into minute detail about their business venture and how well it was doing. He’d managed to secure funds from a few other investors and was now expanding. Riley got the distinct impression that the squat might be legit, but the business wasn’t. Mason was running some porn-pirate, file sharing business and masking it as hosting.

  ********************

  Christina

  Christina couldn’t remember a time when she’d been this livid with Riley. He’d just left – gone. No word – nothing! He hadn’t told anyone where he was going – not Johnny, Dave, his parents, or his brother – anyone. He’d just vanished. Who did something like that? It was so disrespectful, she thought, he must rank her so low on his list of priorities that she was a joke.

  She didn’t want to pull the “I’ve just lost my mother card,” but she couldn’t help going there. Her mother had recently died, her family was a mess, and now Riley had left without a word. She tried to keep a happy face for her family, but it was overshadowed by their collective doom. She couldn’t fix their grief, but she could fix her own life and take control of her destiny. If she were a joke to Riley, then she’d do something to make him take her seriously.