SINS OF THY MOTHER

by Niki Jilvontae

  In a matter of seconds she had gone from a sadistic animal to a loving mother, and that was the shit that scared me the most, her instability. My heart pounded so fast and so loudly I could hear it throb in my ears as I went over to kiss my mother on her cheek before quickly disappearing to my room. My mother’s voice trailed me to my room and I could still hear it when I closed the door. I can still hear it a month later as I lay there with my big sister, recovering from what would be our first of many sexual experiences to fund our mother’s habits.

  “It will get better soon T, I promise” I said to my sister suddenly as I came back from my trip down memory lane.

  I could tell Terricka knew I was reliving the past because she had that same lost, hurt look on her face I felt whenever I thought about all we’d been through. In my sixteen, soon-to-be seventeen years of life and Terricka’s seventeen almost eighteen years old, we had endured some things people just weren’t supposed to know about, let alone go through, but we survived. I guess that’s why I kept hoping that things would get better. I couldn’t see how they could get any worse. Or at least, I couldn’t at that second, but I was about to find out.

  Chapter 2

  Suddenly the hoe bell my mother put outside of our room went off and I heard her footsteps outside of the door. Terricka sat up in the bed with her fists clenched and I sat next to her, tucking my knees up to my chest and clasping my fingers together. My heart raced a mile a minute and I felt nauseous as I watched the door knob turn and our mother entered the room. When she stepped in, Terricka and I almost died. There she was buck naked with a leather collar cinched around her neck that was attached to a dog chain as she puffed a blunt.

  I hid my eyes and then closed them tight, trying not to even look at the crazy lady standing before me. I felt sick at the stomach just thinking about the perverse, unnatural things my mother may have been doing, and I felt even worse thinking about what she was about to make us do. I opened my eyes and glanced at Terricka, who was staring at my mother with the most hateful look I had ever seen. I knew that if my sister could have, she would have killed my mother with her bare hands right then. A part of me wished she would have, especially if I knew what was about to come.

  I watched my mother from the corner of my eye as she walked over to the bed carrying two pink baby doll gowns and some baby wipes. She threw them on the bed at our feet before rolling her eyes and walking back towards the door.

  “I got a high paying customer in my room that wants some young meat. Y’all got five minutes to clean up with those wipes and get dressed before he comes in. Clean up good and then get y’all asses back in that bed. Remember, the robots tell me everything so one fuck up and I’m beating the shit out of Shamel.” My mother said as I shook my head that I understood and tears fell from my eyes.

  Neither Terricka nor I said a word as we slid out of bed and peeled the wet, bloody clothes we had on off of our battered bodies. Our mother stood there at the door, puffing on her blunt as she watched us wipe our sore, ripped vaginas with baby wipes before slipping on the see-through gowns. She didn’t care that we had lost our virginities to a pedophile that choked us as he dug so deep we could feel things rip inside of us with each thrust. She didn’t care that she had sold her daughters’ souls for a piece of heroin and a high that would only last a few minutes. She also didn’t care that she had created a hurt, pain, and sorrow inside of us that would be hard to repair. She didn’t care then, but eventually she would.

  I glared at my mother as I walked back over to the bed and sat down next to Terricka, holding her hand tightly in mine. Our mother smiled at us before opening the door and yelling for the man to come on. I felt flustered as my heart beat faster and my body began to shake. I could hear the man’s footsteps outside of the door just as he appeared in the doorway. I felt all of the air leave my body as I looked into the high, creepy face of my ex-best friend Roxy’s father, Jerome. He was a big man about 6’4” and 310 lbs. with little beady eyes and a huge beer belly.

  His shiny, pitch black skin glistened with sweat as he stood there in the doorway smiling at me and my sister, looking like a fucking whale. I could tell he was happy to be in his current position from the way he kept looking from me to my sister as he grabbed himself.

  Back in ninth grade when Roxy and I were still friends, I used to hate going to her house because of him and his staring. Every time I would come around he would follow me, undressing me with his eyes and making little slide remarks about how perky my titties were or how fat my ass was. He was a total fucking creep and now my sister and I had to face him with no one to save us.

  “Yeah Denise, you hooked me up. Now get the fuck out of here, I been had my eye on Tisha for a minute so I don’t need yo scarecrow looking ass in here spoiling it.” Jerome said laughing as he pulled a $100 bill out of his pocket and handed it to my mother.

  I watched with wide, tear-filled eyes as my mother took the money and mouthed the words, “Do what the fuck I said,” to Terricka and me before leaving the room, closing the door behind her.

  When that door closed, so did my heart and mind. I completely shut down as my sister and I scooted to the head of the bed, tucking our legs beneath us and holding each other’s hand. Jerome smiled seeing the fear his presence created in us. He was just like all of the other pedophiles I had read about in books. He craved the control he got when having sex with little girls. He was such a weak bastard in real-life, he had to release his inadequacies some way and he chose to do so while preying on children. He was a sick fuck and I hated him to his core.

  I glared at Jerome with hate in my eyes as he unbuttoned the flannel shirt he had on while he smiled at me before blowing a kiss and licking his lips. Just looking at the long, thick tongue he kept sticking out of his mouth at me made my flesh crawl. I didn’t want him to touch me with his hands, let alone his tongue; however, I had no choice. Neither one of us had a choice with the psycho who gave us life standing outside of the room waiting to hurt our brother if we didn’t comply. All we could do at that moment was do what she wanted and hope that the pain would soon end. I hoped that my mother would find some other scheme to support her habits because I would kill myself if I had to do that for long.

  I glanced over at my sister Terricka as she sat there in a daze with her fists clenched and her eyes tightly shut. She huffed and puffed like she was about to blow the house down while she mouthed the words to our salvation song. I scooted closer to her and hummed the lyrics as I watched Jerome unbuckle his pants and let them fall to his ankles, revealing some tight, white underwear. My stomach churned and I had to swallow down the vomit in my throat as he rubbed himself through his underwear and licked his lips. I tried to block him out and let the song take me as I felt him walk closer.

  “Nothing is forever what we’re hoping for,

  No more pain so don’t you cry anymore.

  Hold your head up high and dry yo tears,

  Let me help you through and erase yo fears.

  We’ll overcome it all if we stick together,

  We just gotta believe nothing lasts forever (nothing lasts forever).”

  I sang in a low tone as my sister reached over and grabbed my hand.

  We held each other close and sang the first song we wrote together when I was eight and my mother had beaten us with a clothes hanger for eating two packs of noodles. Our salvation song always helped to calm our hearts and release our pain. I hoped it would work this time, but as I opened my eyes and stared at Jerome, pulling his tight, white underwear off and stepping up to the foot of the bed, I doubted it would work.

  “Mmmmm… the Lewis girls. I been waiting to get my hands on y’all, especially you sweet Tish. Damn, I know that pussy good. Now, I’m gonna tell y’all how this about to go. First, Terricka and I will have a good time, and then I will have you Tisha. I gotta save the best for last.” Jerome said laughing as he grabbed my sister by her legs, pulling her to the foot of the bed.

  Terricka kept her bo
dy stiff and ridged and her eyes tightly closed as I reached out and tried to keep a grip on her hand, but he yanked her away. Tears ran down my cheeks as I watched the monster pull up my sister’s gown and force himself inside of her. Terricka screamed out in pain and clawed at Jerome’s eyes as he laughed and continued thrusting inside of her. Terricka continued to scratch and punch at Jerome as he kept laughing, ramming himself inside of her before he finally got fed up and slapped her to sleep. I watched my sister’s body go limp after the slap and he grabbed her shoulders, pushing himself deeper and deeper inside of her.

  I cried and held my ears with my hands as I shut my eyes tightly and tried to drown out the loud grunts and moans Jerome’s nasty ass was making. I tried to drown it out and endure like my mother said, but I couldn’t. Before I knew it, my body was moving on its own and I had jumped up, standing up in the bed and running towards Jerome. I was going to knock him off of my sister and then we would beat his ass; however, my plan didn’t go like I saw it in my mind.

  Instead Jerome raised up as I ran towards him and grabbed me around the throat with his right hand, slamming me down on to the bed. He caught me totally off guard as he yanked me off my feet and took my breath away at the same time. All I could do was gag and grab Jerome’s massive hand as he held me down on the bed while still thrusting inside of my sister who was now awake.

  “Where the fuck were you going my lil thick junt? Your time coming because I’m almost done with her.” Jerome said kissing my cheek as I quickly turned my head.

  I cried as I looked into my sister’s dead, glossy eyes and watched a tear run down the side of her face. I reached out and grabbed her hand as Jerome continued to hold me in place by my throat while having his way with her.

  “Close your eyes and sing, Tisha. Sing our Salvation Song and imagine yourself running through the field of roses.” Terricka said to me through her tears as I followed her instructions and closed my eyes with our song echoing in my mind.

  Suddenly, I felt free and far away from our heartache. I was somewhere in a field running through rows of flowers, playing with my brother and sister. Where we were at that moment in my mind there was no pain and heartache, just love and happiness. I had dreamed of that place all of my life and I’d been there in my mind thousands of times. I could feel nothing but love there and it filled me with hope that things would change. Imagining my happy place always made me feel normal again, like a child who wasn’t cursed and destined to pay for the sins of her mother. For that brief moment in time, I felt significant. I felt like my life mattered. However, that feeling didn’t last long because soon Jerome was pushing a crying Terricka to the side and climbing on top of me.

  I tried to sing the song louder in my mind to calm the hysteria inside. I imagined myself in the field with rows and rows of bookshelves filled with my favorite books on every shelf. That was something that could usually erase all sadness in my life, but it didn’t work as I cringed and held my breath while the fat blob on top of me kissed me in the mouth, down my neck, and to my breasts.

  “Mmmm Tisha, damn you taste good.” The nasty walrus on top of me said as he licked down my body planting his face in my vagina.

  I turned my head to the side just in time as vomit flew out of my mouth on to the floor. I cried and gagged as Jerome continued to lick on me, making me feel so dirty and worthless. I could hear Terricka praying beside me as I turned my head and opened my eyes just as she raised the high heel shoe she had picked up off the floor into the air. I shook my head no just as Terricka came down with the shoe and attempted to hit Jerome in the head with it.

  The only problem was he saw her just like I did. As he came up from slurping on me, he got a glimpse of the shoe in her hand and quickly punched my sister in her lower stomach causing her to drop the shoe and double over in pain. Terricka’s screams rang in my ears as I tried to hit Jerome, but he grabbed me around the neck again to give me a warning as he yanked Terricka over to us by her hair.

  “Look lil bitches I’m not here to fight you although I don’t mind. I’ll beat the shit out of both of you if you keep trying to hit me and shit. Be the good little whores your mama said y’all were and everything will be okay. Y’all just like the slut who pushed you out so I don’t see why you resisting so much. The apple never falls far from the tree so start acting like the little worthless, junky whores y’all will be one day. Act right or else. I know you don’t want me to tell your crazy ass mama what happened in here. I’m sure she’d be mad as hell if I went in there and demanded my money back because you little skanks weren’t playing nice.” Jerome said with a sadistic smirk on his face.

  “Now, what I suggest is Terricka you get your ass up in the bed and lay here and be the fuck quiet while I fuck the shit out of your sister. And to make sure you do as I say and don’t try some more stupid shit, I’m gonna keep my hand around Tisha’s neck the entire time. One false move lil bitch and I’ll snap her shit like a twig. You understand?” Jerome yelled as he looked at Terricka and she shook her head that she understood.

  I watched with wide eyes as he let Terricka’s hair go and she got up on to the bed as he instructed, staring at me with sorrow in her eyes as tears streamed down her face. She mouthed the words, “I’m sorry,” to me as I shook my head telling her she had nothing to be sorry about.

  “I’ll block it out.” I mouthed back to her as I closed my eyes tight and the monster entered me rough and hard while moaning and breathing like a dragon.

  I closed my eyes and imagined two years earlier when I was fourteen and my uncle Scooby was still alive. Only then was I was finally able to block out the sounds Jerome was making and the pain he caused as he dug deep inside of me. For a minute I was back to that happier time when Terricka, Shamel, and I were living with my grandma and uncle Scooby in North Memphis, and everything was alright. At that time my mama was in jail doing six months for assault and burglary, and I hate to admit it, but we were happier when she was gone. Everything was good with just us, my grandma, and uncle Scooby in the house. He made sure we had everything we needed and although he was only nineteen at the time, he was more like a father than an uncle to me.

  Scooby taught me all about boys, life, and love, the things my parents were supposed to do, but they didn’t give a fuck about. Scooby was my best friend. I could still remember his words in my mind as I felt Jerome flip me over and enter me from the back. I smothered my screams as he pushed my head into the mattress and I bit the covers. I blocked out the pain I felt as I tried harder to remember the good times. Suddenly, I could see my uncle’s face and hear his voice echo in my ears.

  “I’ll walk to the moon and back for you Cupcake, remember that. Uncle Scooby loves you even if no one else does. I’m all you need and we’ll get over anything together. Always remember that.” My uncle’s words rang in my ears as my memories began to shift.

  Suddenly, my happy flashback led me back to the day my uncle Scooby was murdered. The memory was still so fresh on my brain I could smell the stench of gunpowder in my nose two years later. I could still see myself walking home from grandma’s house that night to get some clothes and getting caught in the alley next to our building by one of the men my mother used to sell her body to. He grabbed me so fast I couldn’t even think as he quickly pulled me into the alley and began yanking my clothes off. All I could do was scream and beg him to stop as he tried to cover my mouth with his hand.

  I thought that he would really hurt me as he pulled out a knife and put it to my throat, telling me not to scream again or he would kill me. I saw it in his eyes that he was telling the truth so I just muffled my cries and prepared to let him take my innocence. However, somehow my uncle could feel I was in trouble. Before the man could even take his penis out of his pants my uncle had pulled him off of me and began beating his ass. I remember jumping up screaming as I watched my uncle punch the creep over and over again with no mercy before telling me to run home. I remember running for my life and just as I got to the end o
f the alley I heard a gunshot. I turned around and ran back just as my uncle’s body hit the ground and the man staggered in the opposite direction.

  The pain I felt as I slowly walked over to my uncle is a pain I would never forget. It was just like the pain I felt now as Jerome shook and vibrated on top of me as he came. I remembered holding my uncle’s head in my hands and looking at the pain written all over his face as he gurgled blood and tried to talk. His final words while laying dying in my arms were that he loved me. He had loved me more than himself and that had caused him his life.

  I still carried that guilt around with me along with the burden of being my mother’s child, which is probably why I never let people get close to me. I felt like I was cursed and just like my brother, Sha, I would shut myself down and just hide from the pain. I’d hide from the pain until it became too much. Watching my ex-best friends’ dad dress after raping my sister and I was the ‘too much’ I was talking about. That was a pain I couldn’t live with and I was afraid of what I would do. The pain my mother was causing in our lives was becoming so much that my memories didn’t even offer me solace anymore. I still hoped that my heart wasn’t too broken to mend, although the anger inside of me told me that it was.

  I watched Jerome with tear-filled, hateful eyes as he blew a kiss at me and left the room. As soon as he closed the door behind him, all of my emotions rushed forward and I began crying and shaking hysterically. I felt Terricka’s arms around me instantly as she pulled me close to her and rubbed my hair.