SINS OF THY MOTHER

by Niki Jilvontae

  We knew that Lisa had a heart of gold and the brains to be a powerful woman if she just applied herself. She had gotten caught up in the ghetto life right after high school, hooking up with a gangbanging, drug dealing, women beater named, Tank, who kept her right in the ghetto where he wanted her. He controlled Lisa with his fists, dick, and money, and as long as he kept her draped in name brands with fresh Brazilian weave in her head she thought she as living good. I often wished she could get away from him and find a better life somewhere else. However, I knew that she would never leave him, and I knew that if she did Terricka, Sha, and I would have no one and it was apparent that we needed her.

  “Okay, okay…She fina send y’all asses home so come over to my house. Go around to the back way and jump the fence though because yo mama crazy ass got a house full of company and they all outside. If y’all come in the front gate, she will definitely see y’all asses. I’ll be waiting. I fixed some Rotel and wings for Tank today, but his ass in Jackson and won’t be back until late tonight so y’all can have it. I told y’all, tete Lisa gotcha!” Lisa said as I looked at Terricka and winked my eye indicating everything was good.

  “Yes ma’am.” I said into the phone before Lisa laughed again and I hung up.

  I sat back in my chair with my head down, pretending to be remorseful as Mrs. Cunningham wrote Terricka and I a slip to go home so that we could get out of the building.

  “I’m sorry I had to call your mother ladies, but I need for you all to follow the rules. I expect to see your mother when you return in one week, Shaterricka, and I’ll see you tomorrow, Shartisha.” Mrs. Cunningham said as we both left her office with our heads bowed.

  As soon as our feet touched the concrete outside, all of that remorseful, sorrow disappeared. We laughed and joked our way across the street, reliving the whole day. When we got in front of the Overlook Apartments, my sister grabbed my hand as I tried to quickly walk pass.

  “Come on in for a second, Tish. I’m just going to get some weed to smoke with Lisa. You don’t have to do shit you don’t want to do.” My sister said as I allowed her to pull me into the apartments towards the first building where her gang had several trap houses.

  My heart raced a mile a minute as I allowed my sister to pull me into the place my uncle Scooby always warned me about. I did little to resist as Terricka led me by my hand into that one place I vowed to never go, The Overlook Apartments. The Overlook, or the O as everyone called it, was like the gang headquarters. It was the spot where every gang member in Frayser hung out. I had heard of people being murdered, robbed, raped, stabbed, ran over, and set on fire in that place, which was why I avoided it at all costs.

  Those apartments were like a black hole, sucking you in to never be heard from again. It was a project paradise filled with Section-8 baby mamas, gang members, and drug selling baby daddies. It seemed that everyone who lived there had given up on the storybook life and accepted their piteous futures. They were so wrapped up in just making it through the day that they never had the luxury of thinking about the future. I did think about it though.

  I knew how easy it was in the hood to get wrapped up in that ghetto life and get stuck there. Hell, my mother was living proof that the ghetto could break a person down and I watched my sister get deeper and deeper into the gang each day. However, I didn’t want that life. I was afraid of that life and what it would do to me, but as I stood there with my sister’s hand in mine, I somehow knew that I would be okay as long as she was by my side. I knew that with my sister on my team I could conquer any demon.

  The only problem was, I knew my sister wouldn’t be able to protect me forever. At some point in my life I knew that I would be alone, forced to face my demons on my own and I wondered would I be able to. Walking into the Overlook and going into a GD trap house with my sister was a test I knew I had to take with or without her help. I couldn’t run from the world around me forever. It was time for me to just put my big girl drawers on and face my fears. My life was already hell so it couldn’t get any worse. If anything I could gain a family that would help me and protect me. That was more than my mother had ever done.

  I took a deep breath and closed my eyes after my sister took me up to apartment 10 on the back drive. I tried to hide the fear inside of me as the boys standing outside of the apartment called our names and tried to get us to talk to them. I tried to be that same brave, gangsta, I-don’t-give-a-fuck Tisha, I was when I beat Roxxy’s ass earlier that day, but I felt nauseous as butterflies danced around in my stomach. I had to hum the words to our Salvation Song in my mind to keep from freaking out as Terricka and I waited on the boys to get out of our way so that we could knock on the door.

  “Stop being a punk, Tisha… Terricka got you.” I reassured myself as the boys walked away and Terricka and I stepped up to the door.

  Chapter 5

  “I don’t know about this, Terricka.” I said as she knocked on the door to the trap house six times and people could be heard moving around inside.

  “You straight, Tisha, you with me and you know I got you.” Terricka said to me as the door suddenly flew open and Kush smoke hit me in the face.

  The smoke inside of the apartment was so thick I couldn’t even see a foot in front of me as I stood in the doorway frozen. Terricka laughed and pulled me forward into the apartment by my hand as I coughed and gasped for air. I wasn’t really much of a smoker so all of the cannabis in the air was really a shocker for my almost virgin lungs. I held my chest and tried to focus my eyes as Terricka led me over to a couch by the window and I sat down. When my eyes adjusted to the Kush fog inside of the little two-bedroom apartment, I looked around to see nothing but boys all around me. Some were playing the PlayStation on a big, old plasma TV, some were sitting on the couch counting money, and some were packaging drugs while sitting at the long, marble dining room table.

  I watched my sister, Terricka, as she went over and shook up with them before asking the big black one, she referred to as Peedy, for a quarter ounce. Within seconds he produced what she asked for and I scooted to the edge of the couch, prepared to leave. I was very uneasy around boys, and Terricka had me in a room full of fine, gangstas with tattoos and gold teeth. Any other girl might have been in heaven, but I felt as if I couldn’t breath as I sat there on the couch beside a fine, caramel complexion, cutie with pretty white teeth. I had seen him many times before at school and I had dreamed about kissing him on one of those big, sexy dimples in his cheeks. However, as I sat there next to him and he kept staring at me all I could do was feel nervous and hold my breath so that I wouldn’t puke. I felt flustered and out of my mind with insecurity as the fine boy next to me sat up and looked at me from head to toe.

  “Damn T, I know this ain’t yo lil sis with her thick ass.” The boy said as he slightly elbowed me.

  I looked at Terricka and mouthed the words, “Help me.”

  I watched as my sister smiled at me and turned her back before continuing to talk to the tall, light-skinned boy sitting at the table. I couldn’t believe Terricka was leaving me to fend for myself, but I knew it was her way of telling me to stop being a punk. I could hear my sister’s voice ringing in my ears as my heart raced, and she told me that she couldn’t hold my hand forever and that I had to grow up someday. I knew then that I was on my own to finally face the boy I had dreamed about almost every night. However, it seemed that outside of my dream I could do nothing I wanted to do.

  I couldn’t believe he wanted me or thought I was fine. I knew that I looked alright considering my hair was almost always nappy and my clothes were dingy, but the boy was saying I was fine. At 5’5” tall, 125 lbs. with paper sack colored skin, shoulder length hair, and full lips, I didn’t think I was so hot. I always envied my sister’s flawless dark copper skin, high cheek bones, and small fit, 5’6” tall, 109 lb. frame. I thought she was the pretty sister and I was the ugly duckling; however, there was the finest, most popular boy in school telling me otherwise and I couldn’t say shit.r />
  I couldn’t find the words to tell him how amazing I thought he was or how sexy his dimples were and how much I loved the creases in his forehead. All I could do was sit my ass there and look stupid as he smiled and waited on me to say something. I didn’t know what to say though. It was like my words were frozen in my throat as I opened my mouth and nothing came out. I looked at the boy again and swallowed down the spit in my mouth before opening my lips and speaking in a low, raspy tone.

  “Yes… I’m her sister, Shartisha, but everyone calls me, Tisha, for short.” I said to the boy, glancing at him quickly to see he was staring at me with the weirdest look.

  I couldn’t figure out what that look meant as I turned away from him before quickly looking at him again and smiling. The boy continued to gaze at me with the most intense look I had ever gotten from a male until I laughed nervously to break the spell, prompting him to speak.

  “Yeah, I know you, Tisha. I’m Jerrod. I’m in your physics class. You that smart ass girl with all those scholarships, ain’t you?” Jerrod asked as I smiled and nodded my head yes.

  His eyes twinkled and lit up as he told the other boys about my grades and the almost million dollar worth of scholarships I would be receiving in May. I felt important for the first time in my life as everyone turned their attention to me, expressing how proud they were. My sister nodded and mouthed the words, “I told you,” before throwing in praise of her own. I knew she was trying to tell me her gang wasn’t so bad and that they were like family, but at that moment she didn’t have to say it because I felt the love all around me.

  “Yeah, you’re the definition of a bad chick lil mama. I’m honored to even be sitting next to a female so beautiful, smart, motivated, and may I add, THICK. You are a hood nigga’s dream lil mama, for real. I like you, Tisha... I been liking you for a while now. A nigga just didn’t know how to tell you. Now that you know though, all I need for you to do is accept that scholarship from UCLA so that we can go to the same school. I got a scholarship there to play ball. I’m gonna G on them fools down there too. It’s nothing but BIG G’s AND D’s with me my nigga!” Jerrod said laughing as he shook up with the boy sitting next to him.

  I had no idea how to respond to Jerrod as I nervously looked around at everyone else. I couldn’t determine if he was serious about liking me and wanting me to go to UCLA with him, or if he was just making conversation. I didn’t have to worry long though because before I could say anything he had turned back to me, leaned in and kissed me gently on the neck. His lips were so soft, warm, and electrifying that I felt tingles all through my body as I giggled nervously and scooted the other way on the couch. I had never been touched like that by a boy my own age or someone I wanted to touch me, so the thought of having the boy of my dreams kissing me was overwhelming.

  I felt flustered as he laughed before scooting closer to me, and then grabbed the blunt the boy sitting next to him had passed. I watched as the veins in his neck bulged when he hit the blunt and he held the smoke in to get higher. I just wanted to trace the perfect angel of his neck with my finger and then kiss everywhere that my finger touched. In my eyes he was the perfect guy with his athletic, chocolate, muscular body, and bright, hazel eyes. He was the star basketball player at 6’3” tall and 140 pounds with the most perfect waves in his head and deep dimples.

  Book smart and street wise, Jerrod was a triple threat, talented, intelligent, and powerful. He was everything I wanted and felt I needed in my life, but who was I kidding, there was no way he wanted me. Guys like him just didn’t fall for nerdy, project, daughters of whores like me. Hell, he didn’t even live in the hood. He didn’t know it but I had been watching him and researching his past for a long time. At that point I had already found out that he was really from Bartlett, but went to school in the hood from his aunt’s house as a means of getting recruited easier. He cut from a different cloth, much different from the cursed, ghetto child of a junky I saw when I looked in the mirror. That’s why I couldn’t imagine him liking me.

  I dismissed the thought of responding to what Jerrod had said before kissing me as he blew the weed smoke in my face.

  “Damn, I’m sorry if I offended you beautiful. You’re just so fine I couldn’t help myself. Your neck was calling my name saying Jerrod, come kiss me.” Jerrod said laughing as he tried to hand me the blunt.

  I giggled along with him before extending my hand to reject the blunt.

  “Oh you don’t smoke either? Now that’s really rare around here lil mama. I ain’t trying to influence you or shit, but you’d be surprised how creative you can be on the Kush. I promise. I write some of my best poetry high.” Jerrod said laughing as he tried to hand me the blunt again.

  My mind told me not to grab the blunt as Jerrod continued to hold it in front of me; however; that wild, care-free side of me inside that was like Terricka and my mother told me to do it. I wanted to feel happy and free like my sister and her friends as they all laughed and watched me. Terricka nodded her head, telling me to do it as I reached out to get the blunt. Jerrod leaned in closer to me and whispered in my ear as I finally took the blunt in my hand.

  “Don’t worry about nothing lil mama, I got you. We don’t judge here. Be who you want to be, not who you think you should be to please other folks. Ain’t you tired of doing that? That was my problem. I was always trying to be who I thought muthafuckas wanted me to be. I did that shit so much I never found out who I was for myself. We don’t have to live in their shadows, Tisha. We can live and just be us.” Jerrod said before kissing me gently on the neck again and smirking.

  Something told me that Jerrod had done his research on me as well. Somehow he knew some of the challenges I faced because even though he was from a different economic class, he had demons of his own. As I sat there staring at him, I couldn’t help but to think that maybe we weren’t so different after all. Maybe someone like him could truly like someone like me. Jerrod’s words played again in my ears and I felt his breath on my neck as I raised my hand, putting the blunt in my mouth. I inhaled the Kush deeply while looking at my sister before the drug hit me and my lungs at once, and I felt as if my body was on fire.

  The room began to spin and I felt like my heart would beat out of my chest as I coughed and gagged on the thick smoke still coming out of my nose and mouth.

  “Whooah lil mama, you hit it too hard.” Jerrod said as he took the blunt out of my hand and patted me on the back.

  I sat up and looked at his face through blurred vision as the room began to spin and he put the blunt into his mouth to blow me a shotgun. Before I could catch my breath or even try to protest Jerrod was blowing the thick Kush smoke into my mouth and up my nose, filling my lungs with cannabis once gain. That second time I didn’t cough and choke like I had done the first time. Instead, I held the smoke in like I saw Jerrod and Terricka do. I held it in until my lungs cried out and then I blew the thin line of smoke into Jerrod’s face as he smiled.

  “Yeahhhh, that’s what I’m talking about. Loosen up, Tisha. You only have one life to live, baby, and when you’re around me you’re going to live that muthafucka to the fullest.” Jerrod said laughing as he got up and walked over to the stereo, turning it on.

  Yo Gotti’s song, ‘Whoop that Bitch’ blasted through the speakers of the radio next to the TV as Jerrod gangsta walked back over to his seat. I felt so high I couldn’t even see straight as Jerrod sat closer to me on the couch and put his arm around my neck.

  “This my girlfriend now everybody. I better not see one of you niggas trying to talk to her on the streets or in school, or even looking at her or it’s war. Right Tish? You my girl, right?” Jerrod asked me with a serious expression on his face.

  I felt flustered all over again as I looked at my sister and she bucked her eyes at me. I didn’t know what to say as I looked back at Jerrod and he begged for my answer with his eyes. I couldn’t believe that he was serious and that he was asking me to be his girl. I would have been a damn fool to say no, rejectin
g the finest, smartest, most talented boy in school. I would’ve had to be a fool or gay and I was neither so I swallowed down the lump in my throat before quickly responding.

  “Yes, that’s right, baby.” I said in a sexy, confident voice I didn’t even recognize.

  Jerrod’s eyes lit up and a Kool-Aid smile spread across his face as soon as my response hit his ears.

  “You heard that, Terricka? Now that Tisha my baby that means you’re my sister-in-law witcho mean, black, big head ass. I need your mean ass to chill out with all the hitting and shit Baby Dee!” Jerrod said laughing as I joined in.

  I laughed so hard sitting there in Jerrod’s arms as he continued to make jokes and pass me blunt after blunt, I totally forgot about my troubles of the day. I forgot about the fact that we were sent home from school for fighting. I forgot about Terricka being suspended, and I forgot about how I had almost lost my scholarships. All I could think about sitting there with strong arms around me was being happy. Being there with Jerrod and finally having a male to want me for something other than my body made me happy.