It was so refreshing and flattering to know that someone liked me for me, not who everyone thought I was. As I laughed and looked at Jerrod’s handsome face, I knew right then that I was falling in love with him. The thought of being in love with anyone and potentially getting hurt like every other time in my life terrified me. However, I still couldn’t help but feel the flutter of butterflies in my heart every time that Jerrod touched me.
I sat there for hours watching Jerrod as he told jokes with his friends and danced around the room. He even got Terricka and I to sing a song as we got higher and higher and I came further out of my shell. By the time we got ready to leave the trap house, I was on cloud nine. In a matter of hours I had overcome my fears and snagged the finest, most popular boy in school. Me, Tisha Lewis, the daughter of a crazy, junky prostitute had done what no other girl in the school was able to. With that knowledge I felt all of the fear and anxiety I experienced whenever I thought of the Overlook Apartments fade and I was really happy I had let Terricka talk me in to going. If she hadn’t I would have never met Jerrod and right then I couldn’t imagine never knowing him.
I glanced back into the room when I got to the door as Jerrod stepped forward and grabbed my hand. I felt the butterflies in my heart flutter harder as Jerrod continued to hold my hand tight as he walked out with us.
“So where y’all going?” Jerrod asked as we stepped out on to the porch and the tall light-skinned boy I saw Terricka talking to earlier followed.
The boy repeated the question Jerrod asked as he put his arms around Terricka’s neck and walked her off the porch. I watched my sister giggle and act all girly in the boy’s arms, which was a side of her I rarely saw. Seeing my sister, the gangster, so vulnerable and needing of love and attention made me feel less insecure about myself and my deep desire to be loved by someone. I turned to look at Jerrod and met his warm, loving gaze as he continued to hold my hand. For a second time stopped and no one else existed or even mattered because all I saw was those big, beautiful hazel eyes and deep dimples on dark chocolate skin.
“Can I go wherever you’re going, Tisha? I just got you and I don’t want to let you go so soon.” Jerrod said as he pulled me closer to him in his arms.
It was noon by then and the sun shone brightly as the cold February breeze cut through the thin, pre-owned pink jacket I had on. However, I felt nothing but warmth as Jerrod kept me wrapped in his loving embrace.
“We going over to our godmother’s house. Y’all can come if y’all want to, she won’t mind, but if her nigga comes home y’all got to go ASAP.” Terricka said with a serious look on her face.
The boys agreed to the terms and we all left The O on our way to Breezy Point coupled off. Jerrod and I walked hand in hand behind Terricka and the boy she called, Buddy, as Jerrod told me some of the things I didn’t know about him. By the time we made it to the back gate of Breezy Point by Lisa’s house, I found out that Jerrod was the youngest of three boys, his mother was a registered nurse, and his father was an ex-NBA star turned alcoholic. After telling me how everyone expected him to be a superstar like his father and brothers, I was able to realize that Jerrod and I shared the same fears as well as regrets. Like me, Jerrod was afraid of the physical violence his father rained down on the family like a tyrant, and just like him I regretted not being strong enough to just runaway and never look back.
I felt so emotionally connected and physically attracted to Jerrod as he grabbed me by my butt to help me over the fence, I didn’t even protest. I didn’t say anything when he walked behind me with his arms around my neck and body pressed against mine either. It felt so good to have him holding me and loving on me, I didn’t even think about telling him to let me go. When we got to Lisa’s house, she greeted us all at the door with a smile on her face.
“Well, who the hell y’all lil heifas brought to my house? Y’all better be glad I’m the young, pretty, cool ass godmother.” Lisa said laughing as she let us all in.
We all went into the living room and sat down on Lisa’s brown, plush sectional as she asked us about what happened at school. Terricka being the outspoken one, got up to act out everything that happened as she rolled a blunt and we all looked on. Jerrod looked at me in surprise periodically as Terricka described how I beat Roxxy until she was bleeding out of every hole in her face. When Terricka finished her story, Lisa told us how lucky we were our mother didn’t find out before grabbing a blunt off the table and excusing herself from the room.
“I’ll leave y’all alone for a while so I can get me a little alone time in before Tank gets home. I know y’all wonna have a lil victory party and shit, but let me tell y’all something now. There better not be no fucking in my house.” Lisa said laughing as Terricka and I shook our heads no, reassuring her that it wouldn’t be.
After all of the things my sister and I had been through sexually at the hands of our mother, intercourse was the last thing we wanted to rush into. What we desired the most was feeling loved and important to someone. Touching, kissing, and hugging were completely different from sex in our eyes. I liked Jerrod a lot and he made me feel special and all; however, I knew that I wasn’t ready to go there with him yet. I hoped I wouldn’t have to go there with any male again until I was ready, but with my mother running shit I knew that wasn’t possible. I couldn’t help but to look nervously at Jerrod as I wondered would he accept the fact that I wasn’t ready for sex. I didn’t have to worry about that long though because before I knew it Jerrod had leaned in and kissed me on the neck again before he spoke.
“You don’t have to worry about me pressuring you about sex or shit, Tisha. I know you not ready for that yet, and to be real, I’m not ready to have sex with you. Since I’ve been at Frayser, it’s been easy to fuck whoever because it seems like every female wants to fuck the star point guard. I wasn’t going though. I didn’t even smash half of them because I always wanted more than that, I just didn’t know exactly what it was I wanted. Today when I kissed you on your neck that shit became clear to me though. When my skin touched yours, I knew I wanted love, friendship, understanding, quality time…all that shit. Maine, I knew I wanted and needed you, Tisha. You just don’t know how many days I’ve sat up in class and watched you. I love that whimsical look you get on your face when you figure something out and have the correct answer. Or how you always dot your I’s with little hearts. Know that you never have to hide or change anything about yourself for me, Tisha. When you’re around me you can always be yourself and I will always love you for you…I always have.” Jerrod whispered as his warm breath caressed my ear and the side of my neck.
I felt my insides tingle and churn as he kissed me behind my ear and I laid my head on his shoulder. I had never felt as secure as I felt at that moment in my life and I wished that moment would last forever. I stayed there in Jerrod’s arms for hours as he held me tight and we smoked while watching movies. After a while my sister and Buddy snuck off to the little cubbyhole next to Lisa’s living room to be alone, leaving me and Jerrod wrapped up in our deep conversation about our families and what we hoped for in the future.
Before I knew it or could even stop myself, I had told Jerrod all about my mother’s mental illnesses, drug abuse, and most of the terrible conditions at home. Tears streamed down my face without warning as I described the beatings we had to endure to Jerrod. As soon as I finished talking, I wished I could take it all back as he stared down at me with sympathy. The last thing I wanted was for him to pity me and end up being with me simply because he felt it was the right thing to do. I wanted him to love me because he couldn’t live without me and because I made him complete. For once in my life, I wanted to truly be loved by someone unconditionally with all of them. I didn’t know it then, but that is exactly how Jerrod loved me.
Jerrod wiped away my tears and told me that my pain was over as he leaned in to kiss me on my lips. When his lips touched mine, I felt warm all over like I was sun bathing on a tropical island. I felt his soul touch mine as h
is tongue slipped into my mouth and he kissed me deeper and with more passion. When Jerrod released me and gently stroked my face, I felt like I was the only girl in the world and I knew that he was the only one for me.
We talked and kissed while wrapped in each other’s arms until we fell asleep. I woke up some time later to the sound of my little brother’s voice and someone shaking my arm. I opened my eyes to see Sha standing over me with a plate of Rotel and hot wings in his hand smacking away. I glanced over to see Jerrod still sleeping peacefully with his arm around my neck before shaking him awake. His eyes popped open instantly as he stared at me smiling before stretching and wrapping me in his arms again.
“Y’all can break that up. It’s time to go home, Tisha.” My brother Sha said as he eyed Jerrod with his mean mug on taking me completely off guard.
I couldn’t believe Sha was talking in front of someone he didn’t know. However, after considering how he had just found me and Jerrod, it wasn’t all that surprising. He was very protective of me and Terricka being that we were the only people he had in his life who showed him love. That’s why it wasn’t hard for me to figure out why Sha had such a nasty attitude. Seeing me wrapped in a boy’s arms, really rubbed him the wrong way fast and he was not trying to hide it as he sucked his teeth and jumped at Jerrod.
“Sha, this is my boyfriend, Jerrod. He straight and he is the star basketball player, just like you.” I said trying to win my little brother over.
I knew that if anything could be a common ground to get him to like Jerrod, basketball would be it. It seemed they both had a passion for basketball and a deep love for me so I knew it wouldn’t be that hard to get the two men in my life to like each other. Sha looked at Jerrod up and down with a sour look on his face as Jerrod smiled back at him and extended his hand for dap. Jerrod rolled his eyes and then looked at me as I encouraged him to be nice. Reluctantly he reached over and gave Jerrod dap before licking his tongue out at me and turning to leave the room. I laughed and looked at Jerrod as Sha stopped at the door to say something.
“I guess since SHE likes you, I can like you too, Jerrod. I warn you though, don’t hurt my sister. I need you to care about her just as much as you care about ball. If you can do that, you and me good.” Sha said in a serious mature tone that took me off guard.
Jerrod could do nothing but respect that as he got up off the couch besides me and gave my brother his word he would take care of me.
“Don’t worry lil man, as long as your sister with me nothing will ever happen to her. That’s my word! Now, give a nigga a wing or something.” Jerrod said reaching into Sha’s plate as he tried to snatch a wing.
We all laughed as we made our way into the kitchen where Lisa, Terricka, and Buddy were sitting and eating. We all cured our case of the munchies with the wings and Rotel Lisa had fixed before deciding it was time to go home. It was well after 11 p.m. by then and it was pretty quiet in our apartments. Jerrod and Buddy walked us one building over from our apartment before we told them they could go. Jerrod kissed me again with passion and love before writing his number down on a piece of paper and putting it in my hand.
“Call me if you need me, baby, and I’ll come running. I promise, Tisha, no matter what.” Jerrod said again before kissing me gently and disappearing between the buildings with Buddy.
When the boys had left, Terricka, Sha, and I crept towards our building, holding our breath and hoping we weren’t seen by our mother. We had made it the entire day without feeling the wrath of our mother’s insanity and I hoped that our luck would never end. However, as we inched our way towards the pig sty we called home, I knew that we wouldn’t be so lucky. Loud music could be heard before we even reached our door, which made us all cringe in preparation for the worse. I crept up to the living room window as Terricka and Sha stood back, peering in to see that everyone inside was asleep. I motioned for Sha and Terricka to step forward as I quietly put my key into the door and unlocked it, letting us into our own house of horrors.
Chapter 6
We crept into the house without making a sound, stepping over naked people laying all over the floor. I stepped over a man with his short, ashy penis in one hand and a handful of a woman’s hair in the other without even giving them a second glance. Nothing my mother could do or be involved in surprised me anymore, neither did it surprise my sister or brother. We all had seen that type of spectacle so many times in our lives that we had become professionals at blocking it out and sneaking in unnoticed. We made our way through the living room and up the stairs quietly before the loud, musky, goat-like stench in the air became overwhelming.
I had to hold my hand over my nose and mouth to keep from vomiting as we opened Sha’s door and saw where the smell was coming from. Inside was my mother and three other naked, nasty crack head women laying in the bed wrapped up in his Spiderman covers. There were oils, sex toys, and body parts everywhere I looked, along with a video camera and lights set up at the foot of the bed. I kind of threw up in my mouth when I noticed my mother had on a big, pink strap-on penis attached to her waist and the lady that lived next door to us was still on top of her with the piece of plastic stuck up her anus. I fought the waves of nausea taking over my body as I quickly covered Sha’s eyes, pushing him out of the room before grabbing him some clothes for the next day from the pile of clothes on the floor.
I shook my head in disgust and hatred as I eyed the worthless piece of shit I called a mother before exiting the room. As I closed the door behind me, I wished that I could just make it all disappear. Like many times before in my life, I wished that my mother would just die in her sleep and end our turmoil for good. I knew that I would never be that lucky though, so I simply said a prayer asking God to forgive me for my evil thoughts and protect me and my siblings before rushing to my room.
Inside I whispered in Terricka’s ear, telling her about everything I saw as Sha made himself a pallet on the floor. Once Sha was asleep, Terricka and I talked about how much we hated our mother, what we would do when we were on our own, and what our futures would be like with our new boyfriends. We talked about how good it felt to be loved until about 3 a.m. when our bodies gave out on us.
That night I went to sleep with a smile on my face and love in my heart for the first time, knowing that there was someone in the world besides my sister and brother who cared about me. I dreamed the happiest dreams I had ever dreamed in my life as I saw Jerrod and I walking down the aisle together. I could see his handsome face as he stood there before me with his white tux on professing his love. It felt so real as Jerrod held me in his arms and kissed me in my dream. Somehow, I must’ve reached out rom him in my sleep because the next thing I knew there was a searing pain in my hand that caused my eyes to immediately snap open.
I opened my eyes and focused them, looking directly into the high, enraged, insane face of my mother as she sliced into my skin with the extension cord in her hand. The searing pain from the lashes sent jolts of agony through my body as I reached out for the blanket to cover myself. However, there was no blanket on the bed because my mother had thrown it on the floor before she started beating us. All I could do was cover my face and cower besides my sister who was now awake and screaming out in pain with me. Our mother poured water on us from the water bottle in her left hand and beat us with the right while cursing and declaring how much she hated us.
“You funky bitches at school fighting, huh? Got muthafuckas from the school calling me and shit! You hoes better hope they don’t call the DHS or CPS because if my stamps get cut off too, I’m beating y’all bitches to death. I hate you ugly muthafuckas, but y’all gone learn today!” My mother raged as she beat my sister across her head and back as she tried to squirm to get out of the bed.
I shielded my sister with my body, taking all of the licks on my arms and chest as she crawled out of the bed to hide.
“Where you going you little smart mouth, wonna-be-tough hoe? You the one I really wonna stomp the fuck out. I know everything is y
o fault, hoe, and that’s why I’m gonna beat you the worse. You kicked out, huh hoe? You thought I didn’t know, huh, but I know everything bitch. My robots tell me everything, I see every fucking thing you do. At school like you tough getting kicked out and shit! Well, its Friday, bitch, and you getting the fuck up outta here, but not before I give yo ass something to remember!” My mother said, grabbing Terricka by her hair as she crawled across the floor, pulling her back to the bed.
The licks my mother hit my sister with echoed in my mind as they sliced through the air with precision. She beat Terricka all over her back, head, and face as she squirmed and tried to cover her body with her hands. I could hear Sha crying from under the bed as I got up and tried to grab the extension cord out of my mother’s hand. My sister gagged on her spit and blood while crying as my mother moved the cord out of my reach before grabbing me by my hair and pulling me to the floor too.
My mother’s strength and anger caught me off guard as she flipped me like a baby and put her foot in my throat. I could feel my eyes bulge out of my head as my mother pressed her heel into my windpipe and continued to beat me. Denise beat me and Terricka so hard and for so long we couldn’t even cry anymore by the time she was done. All we could do was lay there wrapped in each other’s arms, sobbing as blood poured from the cuts and gashes all over our bodies.
SINS OF THY MOTHER Page 6
