by Brie Paisley
He leans down and gives me a light peck on my lips. His sky blue eyes meet my dark eyes and for a moment, he takes my breath away. He smiles and goes back to the boxes he unloaded and brings more into the house. I touch my lips with my fingers thinking about his sweet and innocent kiss. If I’m being honest with myself, there was no fire or sparks in that kiss. His touch doesn’t set my body on fire or makes me come alive. But then again, all those things are said in books. I highly doubt things like that actually happen. But for some reason, there’s a small voice telling me he’s doing all this for the wrong reasons. I try not to dwell on that voice and all my insecurities. I have to start trusting Malcolm. He said he’s in this with me and asked me to marry him so surely he means what he says?
I take a deep breath and push that stupid voice away. I walk into the small guest house and I start to unpack my boxes. I’m kind of glad we didn’t have to get furniture or kitchen items. Guess I lucked out with Malcolm’s parents having this place fully furnished. The guest house is very nice although I really don’t care for the blue walls. But I’m not one to be picky. The furniture is top of the line, as are all the other household things. It’s pretty much like a normal old guest house. I think Tina wanted her house to look so spectacular she didn’t bother to use the same tastes on this one.
“Want to order pizza and rent a movie tonight?”
“Yeah, sure,” I say as I finish taking out the last of my things out of the box. One down, a shit ton more to go. “Hey, Malcolm?”
“Yeah?”
“Is there a certain place you want me to put my things?”
“Just wherever you want is fine. I’m going to get the pizza and movie. I’ll be back later,” Malcolm says and leaves. No kiss goodbye or hug. He just left. Maybe we are rushing this. Or maybe he’s just as nervous about this as I am. Whatever the reason, I decide that I won’t worry with it. I’ll just let things happen the way they are meant to.
Four months later
Today’s the day. The day I graduate and will be finished with high school. The last day I’ll have to listen to other people snicker about me at the lockers. The last time I’ll have to look at my teachers knowing what they think of me. But most of all, it’s the last day I’ll have to see any of these assholes ever again. Most will go straight to college, while others will just move away and for that, I’m grateful. I don’t know if I can handle anymore jokes, or rude comments. I’m six months pregnant now, so everyone can see my mistake. I know I shouldn’t think of it that way, but the way people have started treating me, makes me hate what I did. One mistake, one choice, can ruin your whole life. Even my so-called friend Casey treats me like shit. I still don’t understand it, why all my peers point at me and call me horrible names. I don’t know which is worse: being called a whore to my face or all the terrible rumors of what happened that night. Funny, how not one of my classmates gave me a second glance until after my argument with Casey. I stare off into space as I remember the past like it just happened.
I was at my locker getting my books for the next period when she came up to me.
“So, did Malcolm dump you?”
I slam my locker and I just stare at her. I don’t know what I ever did to piss her off, but she needs to ask me before she started assuming anything. Ever since I told her I was pregnant she’s been hateful and blatantly rude to me. I don’t understand why she’s being this way. It started the very next day after I’d taken two pregnancy tests.
“Well? Did he or not? You’re having an abortion right?”
“No, Casey, I’m not having an abortion. And no Malcolm didn’t break up with me. In fact,” I lift my left hand up and I show her the engagement ring. Casey’s face went from being happy about my problems to looking at me with disgust and hatred.
“I see.”
“What’s your problem? I thought you’d be happy for me.”
“Why would I be happy for you?” Her words are spoken with so much distain that I step back away from her. “You know what I don’t understand, is how Malcolm can’t see this as it really is. You’re no-one. Little miss goody two shoes, who never does anything wrong. When I first saw you sitting alone at the cafeteria, I felt sorry for you. And then, you go and get yourself knocked up and trap poor Malcolm. You do know he’s only marrying you because he feels sorry for you!”
Casey’s harsh words hit me like she’s throwing stones at me. Tears threaten to come and I try as hard as I can to keep them at bay. I refuse to cry in front of her. “Awe, is poor little Ava going to cry now? God, you’re so pathetic. Mark my words, Malcolm will come to his senses one day and then you’ll be all alone just like before.”
Casey shoulders past me knocking me into the lockers. I don’t know what the hell just happened. I thought Casey was my friend. She wasn’t always nice to me or acted like a friend should, but she was the only one I did anything with. How could she do this to me? That’s when the rumors started, and it seemed everyone knew I was pregnant the very next day. I didn’t want to think Casey was the one starting them, but deep down I know she’s the reason I felt like such an outcast after that day. I can’t help but recall all the hateful words or how Casey’s new friends would knock my books out of my hand. How no one would dare sit next to me in the cafeteria. I was utterly alone.
“Ava? Honey are you ready to go?” Mom’s voice pulls me out of my painful memories. The last thing I want to do is remember how awful my senior year has been. We walk into the gym and everyone’s already seated in the bleachers. There’re chairs lined up all across the gym floor with my classmates all dressed in their cap and gowns. I give mom a hug and I cross the gym floor to take a seat with my classmates. I ignore the looks and the laughing. I tell myself, this is it. This is the last time you have to hear any of it. Once this day is over, I don’t have to endure this torture any longer.
I try to find Malcolm in the stands, hoping he’s coming today. Things between us haven’t been easy. Malcolm has been staying out more and more, and most nights he doesn’t even come home to me. I never ask him where he goes or what he does. I’m too afraid of what the answer might be. Then the days he’s home, we fight and argue about the smallest of things. I’m just glad I still have my job at the ballet studio. I don’t get to teach classes anymore, since I’m as big as a house, but Mrs. Myrah was kind enough to let me take over the secretary work. I’ve known Mrs. Myrah since I was a child and started taking lessons there. I thought maybe one day I could become part owner with her, but now I doubt that would ever happen.
I give up on trying to find Malcolm in the bleachers and relax in my seat wishing, this day would hurry up and end. I know my parents are very proud of me for finishing school, even if there were tons of days I just wanted to drop out and quit. That would’ve been the easy way out and if I’ve learned anything from my parents, it’s that quitting is never the easy way. Even if it was hard on me, I stuck it out and all that hard work will pay off in the end. I just know it will. I’ve been looking into going to college, even if it’s all online. Anything to help me stay occupied.
Soon I hear the principal start talking and I tune him out. I don’t hear a word anyone says during the entire ceremony. When they call my name to receive my diploma, the girl behind me taps on my shoulder to let me know they are waiting on me. I feel my face heat and I’m aware that everyone can see the embarrassment on my face. Not only am I the pregnant girl, but now I’m the girl who doesn’t pay attention during her own graduation. I make my way up onto the platform to get my diploma and I wish I opted out of walking with the rest of my class. Pretty much the whole town is here and the entire gym goes quiet as they see me. You can hear the crickets chirping or hear a pen drop it’s so quiet. This is the worst feeling I’ve had since finding out I was pregnant. Knowing that every single person in this gym is looking at me, or more of my very pregnant belly, almost makes me run out of the gym. I quickly take my diploma and walk off the stage as fast as I can, back to my seat.
I drop my head hoping and praying that no one is still looking at me. Being a ballet dancer and preforming in front of people was no problem for me. But this, the judgement in their eyes, it’s something I don’t think anyone could get used to. And worse of all, I know the whole town looks at my parents this way too. As if it’s their fault I got pregnant. Malcolm’s parents of course haven’t felt any of this embarrassment. All they have to do is threaten not to give any more money to the community or to help with any town projects and they leave them alone. Makes things seem even more unfair. Why is it that I’m the one getting all this unwanted attention? It’s not like I knocked up myself! People seem to overlook that little detail. Especially when they can see my belly and what I’ll be bringing home with me in a few months.
Finally, the ceremony is over. I quickly get up and go in search of my parents. People are everywhere. It takes me longer than I expect to find mom and dad. I don’t even participate when everyone takes off their caps and tosses them into the air. I just want to get out of here. I want to put this past year behind me and never look back.
I see mom waving at me and I smile secretly thanking her. Mom has been so supportive since I told her my decision to keep the baby. She goes to every one of my doctor’s appointments when Malcolm forgets about them. I don’t think there has been one day that she hasn’t called and asked me how I was doing. Even dad has been super supportive. But that’s just my parents. They have always been there for me and I love them all the more for it.
I walk up to mom and she instantly pulls me into a tight hug. Dad kisses my forehead and I can see how proud they are of me in their eyes. Mom looks like she has been crying a bit.
“Oh, honey, I’m so proud of you. I can’t believe my baby just graduated.”
“Mom, don’t cry. Hey, have either one of you seen Malcolm? He promised he would be here.”
I see a look pass between my mom and dad. “What? He’s not here is he?”
“Ava, honey, I’m sorry. He called your dad earlier and said something came up.”
“Wait. Why would he call dad and not me? Dad?” I look at dad and he seems at a loss for words. I can see he hates that I’m being let down yet again by the one person who said they would be here for me.
“Ava, I don’t know what to tell you. He called and told me to tell you he had something to take care of. He wouldn’t go into detail. I’m sorry, baby.” Dad tells me as he pulls me to him and rubs my arms.
He’s comforting me, but he shouldn’t be the one doing it. I cannot believe Malcolm isn’t here. I know this isn’t the first time he’s lied to me. I’ve lost count of how many times he has said he would be somewhere and then never shows up. I never ask him where he goes instead, or what he does. A part of me knows I should stand up for myself, but the other part of me, is scared to death what he’ll tell me.
We start to walk out of the gym then my parents stop to talk to some of our neighbors. I nod and smile, not really listening to what they’re saying. I just want to go home and put this day behind me. It’s supposed to make me happy I just graduated, but all I feel is regret and sadness. I gaze around at my former classmates, seeing their smiles and hearing their laughter. I clench my teeth when I spot Casey with her clique of friends. She turns my way when one of the girls points to me and I realize what a cold-hearted person she really is. I stare as she rolls her eyes and says something to them. They hide no shame when they turn their gazes at me and start to laugh and point. I hate that I feel remorse about our friendship. I hate that she still continues to ignore me and talk about me as if I don’t matter. I turn away, finally realizing, Casey will never accept I’m different from her. I don’t come from money or talk down to others like she used to do. I hate I let myself be bullied over this past year, but now there’s nothing I can do to change it. I won’t regret making the right choice to have my baby and do what’s best for him or her.
The only thing I wish I could change is how Malcolm isn’t as excited or acting as if he wants anything to do with the baby. I want him to want to be here. As much as we fight, I still want him in our baby’s life. I sigh as I push my shoulders back pushing away all the guilt and I turn to mom as she touches my arm.
“Come on, honey. Let’s go home and celebrate. How does that sound?”
“That sounds great, mom. Thank you.” Mom grabs my hand and with dad following us, we make our way to their car and make our way to the home that I miss more than I thought possible.
One month later
“Mom, is this really necessary? I don’t think I need a baby shower. Can’t we just go pick out some things at the store instead?”
“Ava! There’s no way I’m letting my only daughter go without having a baby shower. Now, go change and I’ll see you outside. Everyone will be here in an hour.”
I groan and walk upstairs to my old room. I don’t know why mom is so persistent about having this baby shower. I mean, no one is going to come. I don’t have friends, and the only other people that I know would come besides my family is Malcolm’s mother. If it were up to me, she wouldn’t have been invited. I can already feel this day is going to be a total disaster.
I shut the door to my old room and look at my bag I brought with me. I’ve been staying here for about a week. It’s been relaxing and I’ve felt comfortable since coming back. I can always count on mom to make me feel better, no matter the situation. I love how things didn’t change when I asked to stay for a while. Both my mom and dad were happy to welcome me back with open arms, as if I never left.
Things with Malcolm and I have gone from bad to worse. I don’t know what’s happening to us. He’s hardly home anymore. I’m sick of fighting with him, and I have no clue what I’ve done for him to act the way he has been. Maybe it’s the pressure of being a young father. He didn’t even come with me when I found out the sex of the baby. He refuses to talk about it. I can’t even ask him what baby names he likes without him acting like a total jerk. I rummage through my bag trying to find something to wear. Most of my clothes don’t fit anymore. That leaves me with little to choose from and I highly doubt mom will like it if I decide on wearing my yoga pants. I find a teal dress and it will just have to do.
I quickly change clothes, not wanting to look at my body. The dress is very snug and I’ll have to be careful how I move. I try pulling at it, to try and stretch it out some, but it’s not giving anymore. Since being pregnant, my body has changed drastically. I’m five foot two, and before I weighed barely at a hundred and ten pounds. Now, I’m pushing one-fifty and I’m all belly. I thank God I don’t have any stretch marks on my stomach, but I can’t say the same for my legs. It’s like overnight I grew this huge stomach and my entire body changed right before me. My feet are always swollen and my face is chubby. I don’t like it one bit and I vow to never to have another baby after this one.
I place my hands over my huge stomach and I smile thinking about my baby growing inside of me. “You better come out cute or all this will be for nothing.” I say to my belly. I’ve been talking to my baby more and more. I don’t know if it’s my maternal instinct coming out or not. But I have been feeling the need to talk to my baby.
My baby girl.
I smile thinking about having a little girl. I know I’ll try my damnedest to give her the best life. I want her to have the best of everything. I can see her in a little leotard dancing around at the same ballet studio I went to. I can see her smiling and playing with other children on the playground. I’ll give her all of that. My parents gave me everything they could and I never took any of that for granted. But now that I’m about to be a mother, I can see why my parents work so hard to give me everything they could.
“Ava! I need you down here!” Mom yells at me. I slip on my flip-flops and I quickly brush through my hair. It has gotten too long for my liking, and I end up putting it up into a bun. I don’t even bother wearing make-up. If it’s just going to be family, who do I need to dress up for?
I look over myself o
ne last time in the mirror and I turn to walk out of my room. I make my way downstairs and I can already hear people showing up. I hear my aunt and uncle talking to mom. I know it’s my Aunt Lynn just by her loud and obnoxious voice. My poor uncle Danny. I see him trying to escape the kitchen but Aunt Lynn grabs his arm and continues to talk to mom.
I slowly waddle my way into the kitchen and when mom sees me smiles. “Ava, why don’t you take this and put it on the table outside with the rest of the food?”
“Okay, mom.”
I take the plate of raw vegetables and waddle to the door. I shut the sliding door behind me and when I look up, I stop in my tracks.
There’s pink everywhere.
It looks like someone threw up pink shit everywhere outside.
This is too much pink. Pink streamers, pink table clothes, pink paper lanterns, and oh let’s not forget the pink cake. I love my mom, I really do, but she really over did it with the pink. I shake my head and place the plate of food on the table just as I was told. I know mom’s just trying to help. I can’t even imagine what she actually got for the gift. Lord help me. Maybe I can pretend to be sick and skip this whole thing?
“Ava, come back inside and greet your guests!”
Okay, maybe not.
Following mom’s request I walk inside to see more of mom’s family coming in the door. Uncle Jake, Aunt Sara, my granny Linda, and my great grandma, Grace. Then dad’s family file through the door. Dad has five sisters and they all walk in carrying tons of gifts. I never figured out how he survived having so many sisters. There’s Tammy, Carol, Faith, Nancy, and Debra. I’m glad they decided not to bring their husbands. I greet everyone and spend the next hour talking to everyone. I still feel overwhelmed with all the people here. I know they mean well and just want to help out, but I can still see every one of them staring at my stomach. They try to be nice, but I know they are secretly judging me too.
