by Brie Paisley
Whatever it is, I do know it will change the relationship we have now. And I don’t know if I’m ready for that. Granted I want him to let go of his brick wall he places in between us, but at the same time, the thought of actually letting him close, scares me.
Finally, I can see my parent’s house, and I’m itching to get out the car to see Gabbie. Every single time I see her, I feel as though she has grown more. I know I need to get ready to have my head talked off too. My parent’s adore Gabbie, and they always make sure to have something planned when she comes to stay with them. Last weekend, dad built a huge fort in their living room, and Gabbie talked about how she was the queen of it all week. Then there was the time my parents took her to the zoo. I had to go buy her a book with pictures of all the animals so she would stop asking to go back.
Viktor parks the car, and I get out before he has completely stopped. I get to the door of my parent’s home and I don’t even knock as I walk inside. The first thing I notice is the smell. Mom’s been baking cookies again. I can hear Gabbie laughing, and I walk into the living room to see what’s so funny. I see mom in the kitchen doing what I expected, and I see dad’s on the floor with Gabbie. He’s tickling her and she’s loving every second of it. I can’t help but smile at them playing.
Seeing them both laugh makes all the choices I’ve made seem right. I once thought my life was over when I found out I was pregnant, but now I can’t imagine life without her. Being back at my parent’s always fills me with happiness. At times, I miss seeing them so much that it hurts, but I know I had to do what was best for Gabbie. Dad and Gabbie still haven’t noticed me yet, and I lean on the wall while I continue to watch them. I hear the front door close and Viktor walks into the house. He comes to stand beside me, but doesn’t say anything as we both watch Gabbie and my dad.
I can’t help but laugh out loud when I hear Gabbie begging for the tickling to stop. “Peep Paw! Stop!” Gabbie says as she continues to laugh and struggles to get away.
Then she finally sees Viktor and me standing by the wall. “Mommy!” Dad turns his head and smiles at me as he finally lets Gabbie up. She jumps up off the floor and runs right into my arms. I wrap my arms tightly around her and I kiss her on her chubby cheeks.
“I misses you, mommy!” Gabbie tells me more than once.
“I missed you too, baby. Did you have fun with Gammie and Peep Paw?”
“Uh huh! Hers tickle me,” she says in her sweet little voice and I can’t help but to laugh. Gabbie hasn’t figured out just yet that not everyone is a ‘hers’. I’ve tried countless times to explain it, but she still calls everyone that. Considering her age and the amount she talks, I’m not too stressed about a couple of mispronunciations.
“I saw that. What else did you do?”
I swing Gabbie on my hip and we walk into the kitchen to see my mom. Viktor shakes my dad’s hand and they sit on the couch. It seems that’s their thing every Monday is to watch sports and talk about boring things. Mom dries her hands off on a towel and I hug her as best as I can while I hold Gabbie. She has yet to stop talking. Some things I understand, but most of it’s gibberish. I, of course, act like what she’s telling me is so fascinating. I know its Viktor’s turn for her attention when she starts to wiggle and asks to be let down. I do as she wants and I see her blonde hair bouncing as she runs and jumps on Viktor’s lap. She yells, “Icky!” as he catches her and puts her on his lap. I love that she calls him that since she can’t say Viktor yet.
“Need any help?” I ask mom. It’s getting close to lunch and if I know my mom, she’ll want us to stay and eat with them. She doesn’t even have to ask anymore. Even dad changed his work schedule around just so he could have the whole day with us.
“Yes thank you, Ava. Want to grab the salad mix?”
I nod and walk over to the fridge. I grab everything that mom likes to put in the salad and I put it all on the counter. As I start cutting up the tomatoes and cucumbers, my mom gets the chicken ready for dad to grill outside. Mom and I work in silence side by side. It’s a comfortable, actually relaxing, to be in the kitchen with her again. We used to do this every night before I moved out.
“So, are you going to tell me what’s going on with you and Viktor?” Mom’s question stops me mid-chop. I turn to look at her knowing she sees how confused I am about what she asked. “Honey, don’t tell me nothing like every other time. Something’s different between the two of you.”
“Mom, I really don’t know what you’re talking about. Nothing’s changed between us. I work for him, and he helps with Gabbie. That’s it.”
Mom puts her hand on her hip as she says, “You really don’t see it do you?”
I shrug and sigh. “I really have no idea what you’re talking about.” Why all of a sudden does everyone seem to have an opinion about Viktor and me? First it was Sebastian, now my mom?
“Ava, that man adores you. And Gabbie, of course.”
I put down my knife and I turn to mom. “How do you know that?”
“Well, he looks at you the same way your father looks at me. I know that look when I see it.”
“I … mom, I don’t think Viktor has any type of feelings for me. And if he did,” I sigh again and I turn back to the counter. “I’m not ready for anything like that. The way things are now works great for us. I don’t want to complicate things.” Not to mention if it I did give him a chance, and it ended badly, I would be the one to suffer. I can’t take that risk.
“Ava, you have got to forgive Malcolm and give Viktor a chance. You can’t keep carrying that around with you anymore. Viktor isn’t like him.”
“How do you know that? For all we know, this is some kind of … I don’t know. Charity or pity he has for me. Maybe he just feels bad that I had nowhere to go, and no way to take care of Gabbie.”
“I don’t think you really believe that, honey. I know you’re fighting with yourself over how you feel, but I don’t believe Viktor would still be here if he didn’t want to be.” She rubs my shoulders as she says, “Just think about it. I want you to be happy.”
I try not to think of what mom says as I toss the ingredients into a large bowl. I don’t want to think about what she said. I don’t want things to change, because you can’t get hurt if you don’t let anyone get close to you. But I also know something’s different with Viktor. Maybe mom’s right. I am holding onto how Malcolm left me, and that’s affecting what could happen with Viktor. I stop chopping for a second to sneak a glance at Viktor. Seeing him with dad and Gabbie on his lap takes my breath away. I love that he’s here and loves my family. I quickly look away when his gaze meets mine. I sigh thinking, I really don’t know what I want. I feel things that I’ve never felt before when he’s around, but that doesn’t mean I should listen to them. I have to protect myself and Gabbie. I don’t think I could survive if Viktor just up and left us. Gabbie would eventually grow up and forget him. But I wouldn’t. I’d always remember. I hate I can’t let go of what Malcolm did, and I hate I’m so afraid to act on these feelings for Viktor. They’ve been growing ever since I’ve met him, and damn, it’s getting harder every single day to keep my heart closed off. I watch as Viktor and dad get off the couch and walk outside. I shake my head, wishing I didn’t feel the need to be closer to him.
I feel Gabbie tapping my butt and l shake my head at her. “What is it, baby?”
“Mommy, me have mato?”
“Just one. We’re going to eat in just a little bit,” I tell her as I hand her a piece of a tomato. She shoves it in her mouth and her cheeks push out since she had to have the entire piece in one bite.
Sometimes I fear she’ll choke when she does that. When I see she ate it all and swallowed without choking, I let her run outside with dad and Viktor. While mom starts the green beans and potatoes, I lean against the counter and watch her. Mom always makes a huge lunch when we come on Mondays. Not that I mind. I miss her cooking and it’s always nice to come back home and enjoy the small things.
&nbs
p; “Ava, will you take the chicken out to your dad?”
“Sure.”
Mom hands me the pan full of chicken and I take it outside. I slide the back door open and I see Gabbie sliding down the slide. I told dad not to get her one, but he insisted she needed it. Gabbie’s so spoiled and she doesn’t even know it. I walk over to dad and I hand him the pan of chicken. He takes it from me and he starts to put it on the grill. I turn to walk back inside to see if mom needs any help, but I run smack into Viktor.
“Sorry. I didn’t see you.” I say as I step away from him.
He smiles, but doesn’t say anything. I think this is the first time since last night he’s even looked at me. I gaze into his green eyes, entranced by them. I feel my face flush as I think about my fantasy from last night again. I look away and quickly go back inside and I as close the door behind me, I see Viktor watching me. I drop my gaze and I turn around going straight into the kitchen to help mom. I busy myself with anything I can think of to distract myself. I even start to clean off the counters and wash the few dishes that are in the sink. I can feel mom watching me, but she lets me be. I hope she knows I really don’t want to talk about Viktor. I still can’t figure out why he makes me feel this way. I’ve never felt such strong emotions towards any guy like this. How is it that just running into him makes my hands sweat and my stomach feel like a thousand butterflies are flying around inside it? Why does one look from him make my heart race? Maybe something’s wrong with me. What would I know about it anyways? The only other guy I’ve been with is Malcolm and the way Viktor makes me feel is totally different from what Malcolm made me feel. Viktor makes me feel alive. Desired. Wanted.
Thoughts of Viktor run wild in my mind as I help mom set the table. I wish no one had said anything to me about him. I feel I was better off not knowing, because now, that’s all I can think of. I’ve went over every detail of him and I together, trying to pin point when things started to actually change. Maybe I’m completely oblivious when it comes to him. I had no idea that people around us had started to see what I still can’t. Or, it’s possible I don’t want to see it, and I’ll continue to deny it. Whether or not all this is true, I think it’s still the best thing to not address it with him. Maybe one day I’ll face my fear and take a risk with him.
Mom and I finish setting the table, and a few moments later Viktor, Gabbie, and dad come back inside. I can smell the grill from outside as they walk in, and the chicken starts to make my mouth water. I love Monday’s the most, since I get a home cooked meal and I actually don’t care what I put into my mouth.
Gabbie starts to run around the table screaming, “Me hungry,” over and over. No matter how many times I tell her we’re about to eat, she won’t stop saying it. Viktor chases her for a bit, and he finally grabs her to put her in her chair. I quickly make her plate so she’ll stop banging her hands on her chair table. When Gabbie wants food, she wants it now.
The rest of us form a line and fix our own plates before sitting down at the table. I love how the conversation flows, and how happy everyone seems. We talk about anything and everything as we eat. Gabbie talks more than any of us, and we all just listen and laugh at the crazy things she says. Gabbie’s quite the entertainer. Even after we finish eating, we still sit at the table and continue to talk. Gabbie tells me how much fun she’s had this weekend, while mom listens and smiles as she does so. Dad and Viktor talk more about sports. If someone didn’t know the situation, and walked in to see all of us like this, they would think we were any ordinary family. They’d probably think Viktor and I were a couple and Gabbie was ours. The thought makes me happier than I’ll admit to anyone.
When I feel Viktor casually put his arm across my chair, I instantly tense. He’s not touching me but I know it’s there. I can feel the heat coming off him. Why did he do that? He’s never done anything like this before while at my parents. Dad doesn’t even seem to notice, but mom certainly does. She grins widely at me and it’s as if she’s saying, “I told you so.” I don’t like it. Who am I kidding? I like it way too much. But when the overwhelming feelings of my nerves get the best of me, I jump up and start clearing the table. I grab Gabbie’s empty plate first then mom’s. I take them to the sink in the kitchen and go back for the rest. No one pays me any mind, expect Viktor. I can feel him watching me and I wish he’d stop. He’s making it impossible to keep resisting him. I feel my heart kick up a notch and I hope no one else can hear it, or see how my face is flushed. It’s those damn green eyes that get me every single time. I leave Viktor’s dishes last, because let’s be honest here, I really don’t want to be any closer to him than I have to be right now. I’m tempted to touch him, or kiss him right in front of everyone.
I sigh when I lean down to grab his plate, and I can’t stop myself from stealing a glance. His dark, intense green eyes are staring right at me. That look makes me take in a breath, and makes me a bit dizzy. He reaches over and touches my hand when I try and take his plate away and I feel like he zapped me with some sort of electrical current. It was the strangest thing I’ve ever felt and I relish in it. I quickly look away and take my hand away from him. I feel his stare on my back as I all but run to the kitchen. I drop the dishes into the sink, and I turn right back around and go straight to the bathroom.
I shut the door behind me and I put my hands on the counter. I’ve no idea why I’m freaking out so much about Viktor touching me. Maybe it’s because he hasn’t done that in a long time, and I’m shocked at how much his touch affected me, and still affects me after a year. At how much I want him to do that again. I turn on the water, and splash the cold water on my face. I look at myself in the mirror, still trying to figure out what the hell just happened. My whole body feels like it’s on fire just from that one simple touch. What would it be like if he touched me in other places? I close my eyes picturing Viktor’s hands running up and down my body. I don’t try to fight the sudden wave of pleasure as I think of him. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about any of this, but I cannot help myself.
I abruptly open my eyes and move away from the sink when I hear the door close. Viktor stands by the door and I swear I feel him touching me with how he gazes at me. I slowly move to the wall, needing support. I shouldn’t be so affected by him. The air in the small bathroom changes and becomes thicker than before. And when he starts making his way towards me, I lick my lips and try to catch my breath. Is he going to touch me again? Kiss me? I want him to, so much so my stomach clenches at the thought.
“Vik? What are you doing?” I say breathlessly. How does he do this to me?
He says nothing as he slowly makes his way to me. It seems unfair he can see how much he affects me, but he doesn’t seem a bit phased by me. I can’t help myself from staring at his gorgeous mouth, or the feelings of wanting him to kiss me again. A year is a long time since he kissed me last. But he doesn’t lean in or even seem to want to kiss me. He does raise his hand up and uses two fingers to touch my lips. He drags his fingers gently, making my bottom lip move downwards. He does this slowly, as though he wants to kiss me, but is holding back. Green eyes meet mine and desire washes over me. I’ve never in my life wanted something like this before. I want him to kiss me again, but I can’t seem to tell him that. Words have seemed to have evaporated from my mind.
“Vy ponyatiya ne imeyete, skol'ko ya khochu, chtoby vy,” he says and even though I have no clue what he’s saying, I want to think he’s telling me something important. But, I also know, he doesn’t want me to know just yet. Otherwise, he would’ve told me in English.
I startle when I hear banging on the door. And just like that, our spell is broken. I hear Gabbie on the other side, and she doesn’t sound very happy. Viktor grins, and places my hair behind my ear. He opens the door and Gabbie has her hands on her hips.
“Icky, wat you doing?” I smile at her sassiness, but I can’t seem to find my voice yet. It’s as though I’m glued to the wall, unable to do anything but stare at them. Viktor laughs and says somet
hing in Russian as he picks up Gabbie. He walks away with her without a second glance at me.
I sit on the love seat across from Viktor and Gabbie. I have a book in my hands, but it’s only there to mask my jumble of thoughts. I’ve read the same paragraph over about four times now. I can’t seem to concentrate watching Viktor and Gabbie together. He’s laid out on the couch and Gabbie’s on her stomach laying on his chest. I could watch them together all night. I love seeing how great Viktor is with my baby girl and how much she adores him. It also makes my feelings for him grow more than ever before. The Little Mermaid plays softly on the TV, and I know Gabbie will be asleep soon. For the past ten minutes, her eyes open, then close. She’s fighting sleep. I still can’t believe she’s still up this late. Viktor starts to rub her back and I see her rub her eyes, and she turns her head. Viktor smiles while looking at her, and I shake my head. One touch from him and Gabbie’s out for the night.
I close my book and I get up to put it back on the bookshelf. The one and only time I left a book out, Gabbie colored all over it. Since then, I’ve learned to keep anything I don’t want destroyed out of her reach. I turn around and walk over to Viktor and my little sleeping beauty. Viktor watches me as I come closer, and I try to act like I’m perfectly normal. But, I’m not. I’m still reeling over what happened at my parents earlier today.
“Do you want me to put her to bed?” I quietly ask Viktor.
He nods, and I slowly pick Gabbie up, being super careful not to wake her. She whimpers a bit, and puts her little arms around my neck. I kiss her on the forehead, and start to walk away. Viktor touches my hip with his hand, and I stop. I close my eyes, loving the feel of his hand on my body. I slowly turn while I take a deep breath.
