by Brie Paisley
“Ava,” he starts to say something, but I shake my head and walk away. Whatever it is he wants to say or talk about can wait. Preferably when I’m not so close to the edge, so ready to give into him.
I get halfway up the stairs when I hear the front door close. A part of me is glad he chose to leave, but the other part of me, wishes he would’ve stayed. This is why I’m so afraid to be with him. He’s always shutting me out, then leaving. How can I trust he won’t do that same if I were to give him a chance? And as I lay Gabbie down on her bed, I think maybe mom’s right about one thing.
I shouldn’t compare Viktor to Malcolm.
I know the only way I’ll get any answers is to actually have a conversation with him. Just thinking of that makes my heart start to race.
I cover Gabbie up and move her hair out of her face. I kiss her on her forehead one last time. I turn off her lamp, and crack her door. I walk downstairs again and turn off all the lights and lock the front door. Its nights like this that I hate. It’s so quiet, and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t lonely. Because it is. I’ve no one to blame but myself. Maybe if I hadn’t pushed Viktor away so many times, he would’ve stayed. Maybe if I had tried harder with Malcolm, he wouldn’t have left. So many maybes. I normally do fine by myself after Gabbie goes to bed. But tonight’s different. I blame mom and Sebastian for that. If they hadn’t said anything about Viktor then I would be fine. But since I know now, it’s all I can think about.
I really would rather think of something else. I don’t know when I became so stubborn, but now that I am, it’s hard for me to let some things sink in. I just don’t see what they see. Maybe I just want something that isn’t there. I shake my head trying to clear my thoughts. I go to my room and I change into my night shirt. I crawl into bed, and as I start to fall asleep, dark green eyes take over my mind.
I groan at the alarm clock when I see how early it is. I blame Viktor. He always in my dreams, and I can’t seem to sleep without thinking of him anymore. I toss the covers off and change into a tank top, shorts, and put on a pair of socks. I put my hair into a messy bun and I do my morning routine, and before I go downstairs I check in on Gabbie. She of course, is sleeping like the dead. I don’t know what she does in her sleep, but it always amuses me how she ends up on the other end of the bed every single time. With her little butt in the air. I crack her door, and I decide to make breakfast. I know Gabbie won’t be up for another few hours, and I need to do something to keep my mind busy.
I grab my iPod out of my bag by the door and I turn on my favorite play list. I put the ear buds in and I stick the iPod in my tank top between my boobs. It’s the perfect place for it. I busy myself getting everything I need to make pancakes. Gabbie loves them. I sing along with the music as I stir the pancake mix in a bowl. I slide on the floor with my socks, and I dance to my list of songs. I’m in my own little world letting the music take over. I pour some of the mix into a pan and I grab a spatula out of the drawer. I swing my hips to shut it and I continue to dance along to the upbeat pop music as I flip the pancake.
I take the pan off the stove, and I shake it to loosen up the pancake. As I’m about to flip the almost done pancake in the pan, I happen to look over to my right. Seeing Viktor leaning against the counter watching me, scares the shit out of me. I scream, and because I’m wearing socks, I slip and fall. I land on my ass, and I fall on my back. The pan crashes on the floor, but the best thing about this whole scenario is, the fucking pancake lands on my face. It all happened so fast, that I don’t even have a chance to move out of the way.
My music continues to play in my ears as I flail around on the ground as the pancake is hot and burning my skin. I’m beyond humiliated. Not only did Viktor see me shaking my ass while cooking, he watched as I made an even bigger fool of myself when I fell. I’m scrambling to get pancake batter on my face and my hair. I flick the burning batter off my fingers before trying to scrape more off my face. Viktor stands over me, concern in his eyes. He grins as I huff out a breath, thankfully I wasn’t hurt. I roll my eyes at him. My ass hurts and he thinks it’s funny. I pull out my ear buds, and Viktor reaches his hand out to help me up. I reluctantly take his hand, and he pulls me up. I screamed so loud it was enough to wake the dead and I’m waiting to hear Gabbie crying.
“Are you alright?” he asks, with a grin still on his face.
“Ha ha, laugh it up. You could’ve let me know you were here,” I snap back at him. Why is he here anyways? He’s starting to annoy me how he randomly shows up anytime he wants. I let out a breath when I don’t hear Gabbie crying upstairs.
He reaches over and turns off the stove. When he turns back to me, his eyes are staring at my boobs. “I don’t think you would’ve heard me either way.” He reaches into my tank top and pulls out my iPod. “That’s a handy place to put it.” Viktor lays my iPod down on the counter. He finally takes his eyes off my breasts.
My face flushes and I take a step away from him. I shouldn’t like how he’s looking at me. With lust and like he’s hungry. I don’t think it’s food he’s hungry for. I shouldn’t want him to look at me that way. I clear my throat as I say, “What are you doing here so early? I didn’t think you’d be back for a while.”
“I wanted to surprise you and Gabbie with breakfast, but you beat me to it.” He chuckles and says, “And, you and I need to talk about … things.” Somehow, I don’t think he wanted to say things. Shit, what if he wants to talk about us? As in the things going on with us? Just the thought of that makes my heart race. Does he really want to talk about us? Am I jumping to conclusions? I really hope not.
“Wha … what things?” I hate I have to clear my throat to ask him anything. I should be stronger than this.
Viktor comes closer to me and I continue to walk backwards, He has me cornered against the wall. He places one of his hands on the wall by my head, and the other, he places on my lower back. He pulls me to him and I put my hands on his chest. Even if I know I want his touch, at least I can keep some sort of distance from him. I have to if I’m going to be able to think properly. But I lick my lips, thinking finally, he’s touching me again. I’ve craved his touch for over a year and suddenly, I can’t remember why I resisted him for so long.
“Ava, don’t be coy with me. You and I both know what’s been going on for a long time,” he says huskily as he reaches up and pulls some pancake batter out of my hair.
I swallow suddenly not knowing what to say. I hate that he makes me lose my voice, and has the power to make me feel such strong emotions. He slowly moves his hand to the back of my neck, and leans his forehead to mine. I close my eyes, trying not to fall under his spell. But, I’d be lying if I don’t admit that being this close to him, being in his arms, feels right. And fuck, it’s amazing to be held like he needs me to survive. I can feel his hard, muscular chest against my hands. I can feel his heart beating rapidly, and the heat coming through his button down shirt makes me want to touch more of him.
“Why do you resist me so much?” Viktor whispers to me. I realize in all this time of knowing him, I’ve yet to tell him the entire story of how Malcolm left me. I assumed he figured it out by now. And not to mention I still have another six months left on my contract.
“Vik.”
He backs away just a bit, but now his focus is on my lips. I watch him, panting, wanting, and needing him to kiss me. Even if it’s just for a second. Viktor licks his lips, and just as he leans in closer, about to kiss me into oblivion, I hear Gabbie.
“Icky! Wat you doing to my mommy?”
Viktor sighs, and quickly lets me go. He scoops Gabbie up in his arms and takes her into the kitchen. I rub the back of my neck feeling the tension building. I’ve got to be the unluckiest parent in the world. If Gabbie had waited just a few more minutes, I’d be on cloud nine. Even though it’s been a year since Viktor last kissed me, I still remember it as if it just happened. I still remember the way his lips felt against mine. The way he tasted. The way his hands felt on me
. Most definitely the way he made me feel. I’ll never forget that kiss.
I push myself off the wall and I join them in the kitchen. I help Viktor cook the breakfast I tried, but epically failed to make earlier. But being in the kitchen with him, being so close to him, is very distracting. Not only is it hard to keep focus on not burning anything, Viktor continues to touch me at every chance he gets. A brush on my arm, a hand on my hip, and of course he has to have that charming and heart stopping grin. Gabbie’s right underneath the both of us, wanting attention herself. Viktor’s really good at keeping her occupied and still touching me at the same time. He does it with ease, as if he was made for us.
“Mommy, me wet,” Gabbie tells me as she taps me on the butt. It seems to be her new way of making sure she gets my attention.
I bend down to her as I say, “Why don’t you use the potty like a big girl then?” My child can tell me when she needs her diaper changed, but refuses to go on the toilet. She shrugs her shoulders and looks up to Viktor. He smiles back at her and reaches down to pick her up.
“I’ll go change her while you finish.”
“Okay.”
Viktor steps closer to me as if he wants to say something more or to do something, but Gabbie doesn’t let him do or say anything. “Icky! Come on!”
“You better go before she starts screaming.”
Viktor sighs and looks at Gabbie. He says something in Russian to her, and even though Gabbie has no clue what he said she starts giggling. I can’t help but to smile at her. She has an addictive laugh and one I could listen to all day. Viktor looks at me one last time before he leaves the kitchen. I run my hands through my hair thankful for the moment to myself. Whatever this is between Viktor and me, we need to figure it out soon. I don’t know how much longer I can do this with him. The constant nerves around him and the looks he gives me are making me feel like I’m going crazy.
I turn off the stove and move the pan of eggs to the side. I can hear Gabbie’s laughter as I set out the plates and silverware on the kitchen island. I fix all our plates, and I take my seat waiting for them to come down. As I wait, I can’t help to wonder what Viktor wants to talk about. I know it has to be about us. I swallow hard, hoping I’m ready for that conversation. I know I’ve pushed him away, kept him closed off on how I feel, but maybe it’s time to let down my walls for him. Honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can stop the inevitable. Sooner or later, Viktor will take me as his, and for the first time since I’ve met him, I feel ready. I just have to calm my nerves. I could be wrong and I hope I’m not. I don’t want to feel the sting of rejection. I still have my insecurities I need to work on, and I don’t want to be used and tossed aside again. I can’t let that happen.
I don’t know why I can’t let go of the past and how Malcolm left me. I can’t continue to let this affect me so much. I can either let it go, or I have to leave and forget all about Viktor. But just thinking of never seeing Viktor again makes my chest hurt. I cannot picture my life without him in it. I know Gabbie loves him and I have to think of her too. Maybe if I had more experience with relationships it wouldn’t be this way. I’d know what to do, and how to act around him. I can’t deny how Viktor makes me feel. If anything the attraction I have for him grows more and more with each passing day.
I put my head in my hands and let out a long sigh. I don’t know what I should do. My contract isn’t up yet, I still have six months left on it. There’s no way I can think about this right now. Maybe once my contract is over, I can think on this again. I also need to figure out if I want to renew the contract and continue to work for him. If I do that, dammit, I’ll be right back to where I am now. Right now, the way I feel about him, I’m ready to say fuck the contract. I know it’ll be breaking his rules, but I would rather lose my job then go back to pretending he means nothing to me.
I snap my head up when I hear Viktor and Gabbie coming back downstairs. Viktor looks right at me, with his intense green eyes, and I feel as though he can read my mind. The way he’s gazing at me now, sends chills throughout my body. I know that look. I love that look. I’m so screwed with him. He puts Gabbie in her chair and she starts stuffing her mouth with food. Viktor sits on the stool beside me and we eat in silence for a few moments.
“Mommy, me have some?” Gabbie asks me.
“What do you want, baby?”
“Some dat,” she says while pointing her chubby finger at my eggs. I put my fork down and sigh. Gabbie hates eggs, and every single time she sees I have them she wants them. I already know what will happen.
“Gabbie, you don’t like eggs.”
“Me want dem!” she screams. I give up knowing if I don’t, she’ll have a full blown tantrum soon. I put a little bit of eggs on her empty plate and I get off my stool. I watch her as she puts a big hand full of eggs in her mouth, and she instantly spits them out and throws her plate on the floor.
“Gabbie! Why do you do this every single time you see I have eggs?”
“Me not wike dem.”
Viktor starts to laugh and I glare at him. He holds his hands up in surrender and I bend down to clean up the mess Gabbie made. I ignore both of them. Viktor says nothing to me as he gets Gabbie out of her chair and he takes her into the living room. I hear The Little Mermaid come on, and I know at least Gabbie will be occupied for about an hour. If I’m lucky that is. I finish cleaning up the mess of eggs and I take our plates to the sink.
I busy myself with washing dishes. At this point I want to do anything possible to keep my mind from wondering about the very man that’s about change everything. I know he’s going to bring up talking again, and I have to remind myself to breath. When I feel him come up behind me, and I feel his breath on my neck, all of my insecurities and doubts come flooding back. Why can’t I be confident all the time like I am while on stage? It’s so easy for me to take off my clothes now for strange men, but when it comes to Viktor being in my home, standing right behind me, makes me feel as though I could literally fall apart. As much as I want him, I can’t shake my fears. And I can’t help but wonder, why me?
“What are you doing, Viktor?” I ask while trying not to cut myself while washing a butcher’s knife.
“Pochemu vy tak zamanchivo? Eto kak yesli by vy byli sdelany tol'ko dlya menya,” he says. His voice sounds husky and damn, I can’t help but love it when he talks to me in Russian. I can’t help how my body reacts as well.
“I have no idea what that means. Why do you do that?”
“Do what?”
I drop the knife into the sink and I grab the dish towel to dry off my hands. I turn around and even if I want to be brave and look him in the eyes, I don’t. I stare right at his chest, and I can feel my face flush.
“Ava.” His fingers lift my chin to make me look at him. It’s his damn eyes that get me every single time. His eyes take my breath away, and it’s as if he’s seeing right into my soul. My very being. His hand moves from my chin making its way to my cheek. His thumb rubs across my face slowly. I part my lips breathing him in, loving his hands on my face. It’s as if I’ve been starved for his touch. I should be. I’ve never felt this overwhelming feelings of intimacy before. My damn heart skips a beat, and my stomach is fluttering from his touch. I vaguely hear Gabbie singing along with Ariel as Viktor touches me. The damn world could be ending right outside the door, but I wouldn’t know. I wouldn’t care.
“I don’t want to fight this anymore,” Viktor tells me, but I can barely hear him since my heart is thumping loudly in my ears. “Whatever this is between you and I, it’s getting harder and harder to stay away from you.”
I swallow and have to blink a few times. I’m sure I heard him wrong. “I … I don’t know what you are talking about.” I really don’t. I want him to tell me exactly what he wants from me.
“Yes you do. I can’t make you admit how you feel. I can’t make you believe that there’s something between us,” he sighs and his other hand cups my face along with his other hand. He looks me r
ight into my eyes as he says, “I want you, Ava. I’ve wanted you since the first day I saw you on that sidewalk. I’ve tried to stay away, knowing it’s what you wanted and needed me to do. But I cannot stay away from you anymore. A year is a long time to wait for you to be ready. Tell me you’re ready now, Ava.”
His hands drop from my face when I don’t say anything in return. I’m speechless. I have no idea what to say to him. My brain isn’t giving me any words to tell him. I know I should say something, but I don’t. I see his jaw clench and I see what looks like disappointment in his eyes. I know if I don’t say something right this second, he could leave and not come back. I don’t want to risk that. I don’t want him to leave.
As if something in me finally snaps, I quickly grab his arm as he starts to back away from me. He turns his head to me as I pull him closer. I’ve no clue what I’m doing. I’m just going with it. I may not be able to tell him what his confession means to me, but I can show him. My grip on his arm loosens and I slowly move my hand up his arm to his shoulder. Viktor moves closer to me, putting his body right up against mine. My other hand goes around his waist.
“Vik, I …” He cuts me off as his lips cover mine. One of his hands is in my hair as the other one is on my face. I tighten my hold on him, wanting him closer as he takes my mouth. I feel his tongue touch my lips and I don’t even think twice as I open for him. Viktor enters my mouth hard and fast. His kiss is hot and demanding and all I can do is give into him. Not that I want to fight him at this point. I kiss him back, hoping he feels all the emotions he makes me feel. He’s all that I feel and all I want to feel. I want him. I need him. I let out a soft moan when he presses his cock onto my stomach. My body is coming alive for him. I feel like I’m on fire with the way he’s touching me and kissing me. His hand on my face slowly moves down, to my back. He brings me even closer to him. When I notice Viktor pulling away, I move my hands around his neck and I move off the counter. He stops his breathtaking kiss only for a moment to grin at me and he picks me up and places me on top of the island. My legs instantly open to make room for him. I glance over at Gabbie dancing around the living room to her movie. I turn back to Viktor, glad for once my child is letting me have a moment to do what I want.
