The Quorum

by Kim Newman

  CHISELHURST: You’re short-listed, certainly.

  MURTAUGH: [high-pitched giggles]

  CHISELHURST: April will show you out.

  MURTAUGH: Ta ta for now. [noise of leaving]

  TREECE: What was that girl on? Laughing gas?

  LARK: Every time she went off, I felt it in my fillings. It’s quite extraordinary.

  TREECE: All the dogs in the area have gone mad.

  CHISELHURST: I think she’s a natural for It’s a Madhouse!.

  TREECE: You can’t put Shona on television, Tiny. There’d be bomb threats.

  CHISELHURST: Ape, that girl is a star. Her funeral will be bigger than Diana’s.

  * * *

  EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 41.

  APPLICANT: MARTIN LEIGH, 39

  FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.

  LEIGH: Prison’s not so bad, once you’ve made your mark. You just have to let them know where you are on the totem pole. You pick out some old villain, some big nob from years ago who still thinks he’s got it, and you take him apart. Mark his face, put him in the infirmary, get the boot in. Then you take what was his, make it yours. Earn some respect. You can come out ahead, if you’ve got good currency. Fags and smack, mostly, but you can build an empire on a good source of chocolate.

  TREECE: You have a lot of tattoos.

  LEIGH: More than you can see. Turns you on, does it? All the birds like ink. And, inside, some of the fellers. You’d think it’d make a difference, but after a while. Well, one hole’s as good as another.

  WENDEL: And so, how long were you a warder?

  LEIGH: About five years. After the Paras and the SAS wouldn’t have me, it seemed a decent option. You wouldn’t think the Paras and the SAS would be soft, would you? I’ve had ex-Paras on my block and made them whine and beg. Shows you how much tests and interviews count for anything.

  * * *

  EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 72.

  APPLICANT: ANDREA D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES, 19

  FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.

  LARK: What are you looking for in a man, Andrea?

  D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Good shoes are a sign.

  LARK: Of what?

  D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Status, you might call it. There are other giveaways. Like, if he has a good post code but only owns a flat. I mean, if he hasn’t got enough to buy a house by now, things are hardly likely to get better.

  LARK: Do you believe in romance?

  D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Yes, of course. But it’s easy to come by, isn’t it. There are always blokes falling over their willies to get to you. After a while, you have to impose stricter criteria. It’s not money in and of itself, it’s the things that come with it.

  LARK: Do you believe in marriage?

  D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Absolutely. That’s why I’m so careful about who I get married to. And about who I hop into bed with. It can’t be just anybody, you know.

  TREECE: Andrea, why do you want to be on television?

  D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Well, it’s advertising, isn’t it? I hope to make an impression on the right people.

  * * *

  EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 108.

  APPLICANT: DONOVAN WYKE, 27

  FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.

  WENDEL: I put it to you, Donovan, that you are a habitual fantasist, a chancer who drifts through life dreaming of the big scores but inevitably botches even the petty scams, a bloodsucker who has exploited and betrayed every human connection you have ever made, a man unable to understand even the concepts of honour and fidelity, a compulsive liar with no conscience about wild promises made and broken, a congenital screw-up who is lucky not to have been knifed in an alley or wound up living on the streets begging for spare change to feed your crack habit.

  WYKE: Well, I suppose if you were being hardcore about it, but there are explanations.

  CHISELHURST: Welcome to Its a Madhouse!, Donny.

  WYKE: You won’t regret this. I can promise you that.

  * * *

  EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 125.

  APPLICANT: PETRA KIDNER, 22

  FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.

  KIDNER: There’s just something sexy about fire. I feel it in my clit, in my nipples, in the scar tissue on my inner thigh and upper back. I love everything about fire. The smoke, the flames, the heat, the crackle. Every month, I take off my eyebrows. See. The pain is there, a part of it, but very minor. I just like to see things burn.

  LARK: Things?

  KIDNER: Things, mostly. But there’s nothing like it, you know. The smell, the texture, the taste. Burning flesh. It gets to me. Does that make me weird? I’m not, you know. I like a cup of tea and EastEnders and always send my Mum a box of chocs on Mother’s Day. Some girls love one particular pop group or a particular type of bloke. With me, it’s different. It’s fire.

  LARK: So what is your favourite pop song?

  KIDNER: [laughs] What else? Jose Feliciano, ‘Come on Baby, Light My Fire’.

  * * *

  EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 128.

  APPLICANT: JOSHUA BREW, 22

  FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.

  CHISELHURST: You complained that we hadn’t responded to your entry form?

  BREW: IT’S NOT RIGHT THAT PEOPLE SHOULD BE

  TREATED THAT WAY.

  CHISELHURST: We explained that your form was lost in the post.

  BREW: YES, I ACCEPT THAT NOW.

  CHISELHURST: But when you phoned the duty officer, you made quite an impression. That’s a distinctive voice you’ve got there.

  BREW: WHEN YOU’RE USED TO PREACHING THE WORD OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST AT HEATHEN POP FESTIVALS, YOU NEED A BIT OF LUNG POWER. I DO BREATHING EXERCISES.

  CHISELHURST: You’ll forgive me for saying this, but you don’t seem like the normal type of young person we’ve been seeing for this show.

  BREW: JUST BECAUSE I’M A CHRISTIAN DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T LIKE A ‘GOOD TIME’ AS MUCH AS THE NEXT YOUTH. I OWN MANY CLIFF RICHARD COMPACT DISCS. I CAN JIVE WITH THE BEST OF THEM. SOME OF OUR CHRISTIAN YOUTH MOVEMENT EVENINGS ARE EVERY BIT AS WILD AS A RAVE. WE PLAY CHARADES AND DRINK CIDER.

  TREECE: Kickin’.

  BREW: OH YES. BUT MY MAIN INTEREST IS BATTLING THE DEVIL WHEREVER I FIND HIS EVIL WORKS. I WON’T TOLERATE SATAN IN ANY OF HIS MANY FORMS. THAT I CAN GUARANTEE.

  * * *

  MEMO

  From: April Treece, production associate.

  To: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator

  Re: It’s a Madhouse!

  Disaster! Donger Bennett, our prize plonker, the man we most want to see on It’s a Madhouse!, has found ‘true lurve’ and wants to back out. Apparently, there’s someone out there blind stupid enough to marry him. One Maxine Evenson, another estate agent. They’ll probably breed! It’s too horrible! We have a contract, we could sue, but that could lead to publicity, which might lead to Derek the Antichrist having us killed. NB: that last bit was a joke! Please advise.

  MEMO

  From: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator

  To: April Treece, assistant producer

  Re: It’s a Madhouse!

  Make an appointment for a house viewing with Miss Evenson, and claim to be Donger’s last fiancée - I know that’s going to be disgusting for you, but maximum brownie points are involved - with only her best interests at heart. Play her a snippet of the initial interview tape, to wit:

  LARK: You’ve never been married?

  BENNETT: I’ve been engaged a couple of times, if that’s what it takes to get the cork to pop.

  Then present her with the background check dossier we assembled before offering him the contract. You might highlight in pink the more significant sentences. Tell her you had the dossier don
e when he proposed, like a survey before buying a house. If she’s another bloody estate agent, she’ll understand. If this is handled quickly, the crisis will fizzle. Trust me.

  * * *

  MEMO

  From: April Treece, co-associate producer.

  To: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator

  Re: It’s a Madhouse!

  Maxine Evenson is out of Donger Bennett’s life, lucky girl. On my own initiative, I ordered Claire to call on the Donger for a follow-up interview, which means we owe her hazard pay. While fighting him off and, we trust, not lying back and thinking of television, she let him see suitably cropped and doctored photographs of Andrea Double-Barrel, Miss Giggly and Petra the Pyro. Donger is extremely keen to climb back into the Madhouse. It’s my hope he gets on especially well with Martin ‘Lockdown’ Leigh.

  * * *

  PRODUCTION MEETING, No. 54

  PRESENT, for MYTHWRHN PRODUCTIONS: Tiny Chiselhurst (Producer), Phil Bender (Director), Barry Gatlin (Presenter), Constant Drache (Designer), April Treece (Production Assistant), Claire Bates (Researcher), Davinda Paquignet (Researcher).

  PRESENT, for CLOUD 9 TELEVISION: Derek Leech (Supremo), Heather Wilding (Executive Expediter), Basil Quilbert (Security)

  CHISELHURST: You’ve all seen the highlights reel we put together of the video interviews. Incidentally, you’ll notice we got coverage of the room from three angles. The traditional behind-the-mirror shot was augmented by prototypes of the secret cams we’ll be using for Madhouse! None of the interviewees spotted either gadget, and here we had to install the equipment in an existing environment rather than being able to dress the set from the ground up as we will on location.

  WILDING: One is in the light fitting. As for the other, I give up.

  CHISELHURST: Behind the fire regulations notice.

  WILDING: You’re recording now?

  CHISELHURST: No. Davinda is taking minutes.

  WILDING: Derek?

  LEECH: That is acceptable.

  CHISELHURST: So, how did you all like the tape? Do you see the potential.

  GATLIN: MY FAVOURITE IS THE CHRISTIAN!

  PAQUIGNET: Ouch, my ears!

  WILDING: We see potential, Tiny. The tape represents your best prospects for Madhouse?

  CHISELHURST: We have a couple in back-up, but yes. Dr Wendel?

  WENDEL: It’s not just a matter of getting the right people, but of getting the right mix. They can’t all be too samey. There has to be a demographic spread of class, age and sex types among the subjects.

  WILDING: But, ugh, no oldies, right? This is yoof you’re giving us.

  WENDEL: No one over thirty-five, indeed. And eighty per-cent under twenty-five. We built that early into the parameters of the experiment.

  WILDING: Experiment?

  CHISELHURST: It’s how Biffo the Boffin thinks. Heth, believe me, this is Light Entertainment, not Heavy Educational.

  WILDING: Educational worries me. It’s a zapper prod. And so, frankly, are a lot of these people. Where did you get them?

  CHISELHURST: They’re real people, Heth. They came in of their own accord.

  WILDING: You must have recruited the prison guard... what was his name?

  TREECE: Martin Leigh. Lockdown Leigh.

  WILDING: Yeah, him. He’s a Central Casting Psycho.

  CHISELHURST: He’s our borderline choice, actually. Miss Lark thinks he’s a bit obvious. Those tattoos might scare off some of the others too early.

  LEECH: I like Leigh. He’ll be a leader. For a while.

  CHISELHURST: My thoughts exactly, Derek. He’s a star in the making.

  BATES: The one I hate most is Arabella Thingy-Thingy. The gold-digging posh bird.

  BENDER: She’s my favourite. That voice. It’s not on a level with the LOUD CHRISTIAN or Miss Giggle, but there’s something awful about it. Almost Thatchery.

  GATLIN: Looks like a horse, though. I don’t want to fuck her.

  BENDER: Enough people will. You’re a Yank, Barry. You don’t understand this nanny thing we Brits have.

  GATLIN: I don’t want to fuck her. But I do want to hit her.

  BATES: Is that how you divide them. Into ones you want to, uh, have sex with, and ones you want to hit?

  GATLIN: Them? People in general?

  BATES: Contestants, participants, subjects, victims, whatever we call them.

  GATLIN: It’s a fair enough system. Now, the Flame-On Chick. I

  definitely want to fuck her. I could light her fire, baby-cakes. You can take that to the bank and cash it!

  TREECE: You’re a sick man!

  GATLIN: That’s why you hired me, cherry-bee. You ain’t gonna get Alastair Cooke to present It’s a Madhouse!

  TREECE: There’s still Craig Charles.

  GATLIN: [laughs] Get the fuck outta here!

  CHISELHURST: We’re off-topic, space kiddettes. Back to our mad people, please.

  PAQUIGNET: I don’t think they’re mad.

  CHISELHURST: What do you mean, Davinda?

  PAQUIGNET: They’re just... ordinary. Even the pyromaniac girl. I don’t see them as any worse than the people I meet in clubs every night of the week.

  WENDEL: Miss Paquignet, you are a junior assistant minion, I am a senior forensic psychologist. I assure you every one of these subjects is suffering from a severe, probably incurable personality disorder.

  LEECH: Incurable?

  WENDEL: By conventional means.

  CHISELHURST: It’s possible that Madhouse! will have some therapeutic effect.

  WILDING: Oh, give us a break, Tiny. This is docusoap shit, not On the Psychiatrist’s Couch. If we even thought you were sneaking something with content past us, you’d be off the air faster than a Girl Guides Tribute to Gary Glitter concert. We’re not funding this for therapy. The point is that the people you’ve selected don’t deserve help. Right?

  TREECE: I certainly don’t want to see ‘Donger’ Bennett get in touch with his inner self and accept it.

  BATES/PAQUIGNET: Donger the Plonker!

  TREECE: He made a big impression on the girls in the office.

  WILDING: And our office too. And we only saw the tape.

  TREECE: You should meet him in person, get the full-strength Donger. Someone must have died and made him Bumgroper General. And he has this... smell. I think he uses rhino semen as an aftershave.

  BATES: If nothing else, Madhouse! is the show that will tell the world Donger Bennetts are no longer acceptable.

  GATLIN: So, none of you wanted to fuck him?

  BATES/PAQUIGNET/TREECE: [retching noises]

  GATLIN: Just asking, kittens. I thought he made some solid points, myself.

  TREECE: [laughs] Are you sure you don’t want to be a contestant rather than the presenter?

  GATLIN: [laughs and shivers] No way, Ape.

  WILDING: As ever, we’re concerned with costs. How have you been coming along with the location?

  CHISELHURST: That’s Constant’s department. Care to report?

  DRACHE: Clearly we need isolation, and also a certain ambience of luxury. There’s a lifestyle element to the series, a subliminal trace of Fantasy Island or the 007 films, so we want a touch of class to set off the anticipated behaviour of the participants. First, we looked for country houses within the United Kingdom, but that proved impractical. Besides the liabilities of renting somewhere we all expect to sustain quite a bit of damage during the recording, our mainland is too small, too crowded. There’s nowhere, even in the wilds of Scotland, more than half a day’s hike from civilisation. It’s important that the players not have the option of just quitting and walking off. In the end, we’ve settled on an island. Several possibilities in British waters have come to light, but we favour the Med.

  WILDING: That’ll cost.

  DRACHE: Not in the end. We think the climate, the traditional association of the Mediterranean with ‘fun in the sun, will significantly add to the show’s appeal. Never make the mistake of underestimating the fuck fa
ctor.

  BENDER: Baywatch was a joke in the States, but a huge ratings hit here. That’s not all down to tits. If you live in Bolton and it’s drizzling over the gas-works, you want to switch on the telly and see sun-drenched beaches, azure seas, drinks with a mess of fruit in them and skimpy bathing suits. It’s a can’t-miss proposition.

  CHISELHURST: And international waters will help with some of the legalities. That’s always been a concern for Cloud 9, I know.

  LEECH: It makes sense.

  WILDING: Then it’ll be authorised. But we’ve worked with you before, Constant. I want no overruns on this. Don’t kit the set up with so much fucking decor that the animals get lost. This is a people programme, remember.

  DRACHE: We have definite ideas on the look of the show.

  TREECE: Abstract sculptures. Lots of sharp metal edges. Heavy candlesticks. Agricultural implements as ornaments.

  CHISELHURST: You see the possibilities, Derek.

  WILDING: No need to spell it out, Tiny. Now, our other concern. Clearly, we’re in a cutthroat business and the competition can’t get wind of this. The format’d be too easy to clone.

  CHISELHURST: We’re already thinking of licensing it to the States. Look how Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? took off. And it’s a natural for the Japanese market.

  WILDING: Our main concern isn’t plagiarism, though. It’s backlash. You all know Mr Quilbert?

  CHISELHURST: Basil, hi.

  WILDING: He’ll be heading up our security operation. As of now, he owns you. Understand.

  QUILBERT: Good morning, Mr Chiselhurst, Miss Treece. And those I haven’t met. We’ll have one-to-one sessions scheduled soon. It is a condition of the involvement of Cloud 9 in this project that all matters concerning security be channelled through me. There will be no exceptions. We have prepared acceptable cover stories as to the nature of the programme, based on the mock proposal you sent out to the applicants, and these will be leaked steadily to the trades. We’re building the cover stories around Mr Gatlin’s track record in extreme stand-up and the well-established ‘adventure game’ style of show. The truly radical nature of It’s a Madhouse! should not become evident until we are ready to broadcast. I have prepared various strategies for dealing with the cries for suppression we envision as inevitable. Cloud 9 will preface the premiere with a week of anticensorship programming, with our tame ‘intellectuals’ debating the less coherent and attractive members of various censorious or regulatory bodies. The purpose of this is to defang those most likely to object to a show which we consider will have the widest possible audience. If columnists have just spent an hour on Cloud 9 crying for freedom of speech and expression, they can hardly turn round and say we should not broadcast a show they consider to be objectionable. We used this basic strategy very successfully last year with the launch of the Lolita Channel and a variant is currently in play to pave the way for our 24-hour War and Gore strand.