The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works

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The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works Page 406

by William Shakespeare


  Well, for your favour, sir, why, give God thanks, and

  make no boast of it; and for your writing and reading,

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  let that appear when there is no need of such vanity.

  You are thought here to be the most senseless and fit

  man for the constable of the watch; therefore bear you

  the lantern. This is your charge: you shall

  comprehend all vagrom men; you are to bid any man

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  stand, in the Prince’s name.

  2 WATCHMAN How if a will not stand?

  DOGBERRY Why then, take no note of him, but let him

  go, and presently call the rest of the watch together,

  and thank God you are rid of a knave.

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  VERGES If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is

  none of the Prince’s subjects.

  DOGBERRY True, and they are to meddle with none but

  the Prince’s subjects. You shall also make no noise in

  the streets: for, for the watch to babble and to talk is

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  most tolerable, and not to be endured.

  A WATCHMAN We will rather sleep than talk; we know

  what belongs to a watch.

  DOGBERRY Why, you speak like an ancient and most

  quiet watchman, for I cannot see how sleeping should

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  offend: only have a care that your bills be not stolen.

  Well, you are to call at all the ale-houses, and bid those

  that are drunk get them to bed.

  A WATCHMAN How if they will not?

  DOGBERRY Why then, let them alone till they are sober:

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  if they make you not then the better answer, you may

  say they are not the men you took them for.

  A WATCHMAN Well, sir.

  DOGBERRY If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by

  virtue of your office, to be no true man; and for such

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  kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them,

  why, the more is for your honesty.

  A WATCHMAN If we know him to be a thief, shall we not

  lay hands on him?

  DOGBERRY Truly, by your office you may, but I think they

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  that touch pitch will be defiled. The most peaceable

  way for you, if you do take a thief, is to let him show

  himself what he is, and steal out of your company.

  VERGES You have been always called a merciful man,

  partner.

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  DOGBERRY Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will,

  much more a man who hath any honesty in him.

  VERGES If you hear a child cry in the night, you must

  call to the nurse and bid her still it.

  A WATCHMAN How if the nurse be asleep and will not

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  hear us?

  DOGBERRY Why then, depart in peace, and let the child

  wake her with crying, for the ewe that will not hear her

  lamb when it baas will never answer a calf when he bleats.

  VERGES ’Tis very true.

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  DOGBERRY This is the end of the charge: you, constable,

  are to present the Prince’s own person; if you meet the

  Prince in the night, you may stay him.

  VERGES Nay, by’r lady, that I think a cannot.

  DOGBERRY Five shillings to one on’t, with any man that

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  knows the statutes, he may stay him: marry, not

  without the Prince be willing, for indeed the watch

  ought to offend no man, and it is an offence to stay a

  man against his will.

  VERGES By’r lady, I think it be so.

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  DOGBERRY Ha, ah ha! Well, masters, good night: and

  there be any matter of weight chances, call up me:

  keep your fellows’ counsels and your own, and good

  night. Come, neighbour.

  2 WATCHMAN Well, masters, we hear our charge: let us

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  go sit here upon the church-bench till two, and then

  all to bed.

  DOGBERRY One word more, honest neighbours. I pray

  you watch about Signior Leonato’s door, for the

  wedding being there tomorrow, there is a great coil

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  tonight. Adieu! Be vigitant, I beseech you.

  Exeunt Dogberry and Verges.

  Enter BORACHIO and CONRADE.

  BORACHIO What, Conrade!

  2 WATCHMAN [aside] Peace! Stir not.

  BORACHIO Conrade, I say!

  CONRADE Here, man, I am at thy elbow.

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  BORACHIO Mass, and my elbow itched; I thought there

  would a scab follow.

  CONRADE I will owe thee an answer for that: and now

  forward with thy tale.

  BORACHIO Stand thee close then under this penthouse,

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  for it drizzles rain, and I will, like a true drunkard,

  utter all to thee.

  2 WATCHMAN [aside] Some treason, masters; yet stand

  close.

  BORACHIO Therefore know, I have earned of Don John

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  a thousand ducats.

  CONRADE Is it possible that any villainy should be so

  dear?

  BORACHIO Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible

  any villainy should be so rich; for when rich villains

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  have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what

  price they will.

  CONRADE I wonder at it.

  BORACHIO That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou

  knowest that the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a

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  cloak, is nothing to a man.

  CONRADE Yes, it is apparel.

  BORACHIO I mean, the fashion.

  CONRADE Yes, the fashion is the fashion.

  BORACHIO Tush! I may as well say the fool’s the fool. But

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  seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion is?

  2 WATCHMAN [aside] I know that Deformed; a has been

  a vile thief this seven year; a goes up and down like a

  gentleman: I remember his name.

  BORACHIO Didst thou not hear somebody?

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  CONRADE No, ’twas the vane on the house.

  BORACHIO Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief

  this fashion is, how giddily a turns about all the hot

  bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty,

  sometimes fashioning them like Pharaoh’s soldiers in

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  the reechy painting, sometime like god Bel’s priests in

  the old church-window, sometime like the shaven

  Hercules in the smirched worm-eaten tapestry, where

  his codpiece seems as massy as his club?

  CONRADE All this I see, and I see that the fashion wears

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  out more apparel than the man. But art not thou

  thyself giddy with the fashion too, that thou hast

  shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion?

  BORACHIO Not so, neither; but know that I have tonight

  wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero’s gentlewoman, by

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  the name of Hero; she leans me out at her mistress’

  chamber-window, bids me a thousand times good

  night – I tell this tale vilely – I should first tell thee

  how the Prince, Claudio, and my master, planted and

  placed and possessed by my master Don John, saw afar

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  off in the orchard this amiable encounter.

  CONRADE And thought they Margaret was Hero?

  BORACHIO Two of them did, the Prince and Claudio,

&nbs
p; but the devil my master knew she was Margaret; and

  partly by his oaths, which first possessed them, partly

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  by the dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly

  by my villainy, which did confirm any slander that

  Don John had made, away went Claudio enraged;

  swore he would meet her as he was appointed next

  morning at the temple, and there, before the whole

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  congregation, shame her with what he saw o’ernight,

  and send her home again without a husband.

  2 WATCHMAN We charge you in the Prince’s name,

  stand!

  1WATCHMAN Call up the right Master Constable; we

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  have here recovered the most dangerous piece of

  lechery that ever was known in the commonwealth.

  2 WATCHMAN And one Deformed is one of them; I

  know him, a wears a lock.

  CONRADE Masters, masters –

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  1WATCHMAN You’ll be made bring Deformed forth, I

  warrant you.

  CONRADE Masters –

  2 WATCHMAN Never speak, we charge you, let us obey

  you to go with us.

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  BORACHIO We are like to prove a goodly commodity,

  being taken up of these men’s bills.

  CONRADE A commodity in question, I warrant you.

  Come, we’ll obey you. Exeunt.

  3.4 Enter HERO, MARGARET and URSULA.

  HERO Good Ursula, wake my cousin Beatrice, and

  desire her to rise.

  URSULA I will, lady.

  HERO And bid her come hither.

  URSULA Well. Exit.

  5

  MARGARET Troth, I think your other rebato were better.

  HERO No, pray thee good Meg, I’ll wear this.

  MARGARET By my troth’s not so good, and I warrant

  your cousin will say so.

  HERO My cousin’s a fool, and thou art another; I’ll wear

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  none but this.

  MARGARET I like the new tire within excellently, if the

  hair were a thought browner; and your gown’s a most

  rare fashion, i’faith. I saw the Duchess of Milan’s

  gown that they praise so.

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  HERO O, that exceeds, they say.

  MARGARET By my troth’s but a night-gown in respect

  of yours – cloth o’ gold, and cuts, and laced with

  silver, set with pearls, down sleeves, side sleeves,

  and skirts, round underborne with a bluish tinsel: but

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  for a fine, quaint, graceful, and excellent fashion,

  yours is worth ten on’t.

  HERO God give me joy to wear it, for my heart is

  exceeding heavy.

  MARGARET ’Twill be heavier soon by the weight of a

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  man.

  HERO Fie upon thee, art not ashamed?

  MARGARET Of what, lady? Of speaking honourably? Is

  not marriage honourable in a beggar? Is not your lord

  honourable without marriage? I think you would

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  have me say, saving your reverence, ‘a husband’. And

  bad thinking do not wrest true speaking, I’ll offend

  nobody. Is there any harm in ‘the heavier for a

  husband’? None, I think, and it be the right

  husband, and the right wife; otherwise ’tis light, and

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  not heavy. Ask my Lady Beatrice else; here she comes.

  Enter BEATRICE.

  HERO Good morrow, coz.

  BEATRICE Good morrow, sweet Hero.

  HERO Why, how now? Do you speak in the sick tune?

  BEATRICE I am out of all other tune, methinks.

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  MARGARET Clap’s into ‘Light o’ Love’; that goes

  without a burden. Do you sing it, and I’ll dance it.

  BEATRICE Ye light o’ love with your heels! Then, if your

  husband have stables enough, you’ll see he shall lack

  no barns.

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  MARGARET O illegitimate construction! I scorn that

  with my heels.

  BEATRICE ’Tis almost five o’clock, cousin, ’tis time you

  were ready. By my troth, I am exceeding ill – heigh-ho!

  MARGARET For a hawk, a horse, or a husband?

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  BEATRICE For the letter that begins them all, H.

  MARGARET Well, and you be not turned Turk, there’s

  no more sailing by the star.

  BEATRICE What means the fool, trow?

  MARGARET Nothing I, but God send everyone their

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  heart’s desire!

  HERO These gloves the Count sent me, they are an

  excellent perfume.

  BEATRICE I am stuffed, cousin, I cannot smell.

  MARGARET A maid, and stuffed! There’s goodly

 

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