Reckless Love

by Madeline Baker

  Shadow frowned. He did not want to leave until he had finished with Joshua, but he knew I was right. We might be near a civilized town and its citizens might consider themselves to be well-bred, well-mannered Christian people, but they would not hesitate to lynch an Indian who had dared to shoot down four white men, especially when one of the men killed had been an officer of the law.

  I gathered a few of my things together while Shadow slipped a makeshift bridle over the head of one of the horses Josh had left behind. Shadow's horse, a piebald stallion, was tethered about twenty yards away.

  It was nearing midnight when Shadow lifted me onto the back of the horse he had chosen for me.

  "Where are we going?" I asked, patting the horse's neck.

  "Chicago."

  "Chicago!" I could not disguise my astonishment. "I thought we were going back to New York."

  "No. I told your father I would send him word as soon as I found you. Chicago is the next big city. He will meet us there as soon as he can."

  Our trip was uneventful; even so, I never let Shadow out of my sight. He was all the security I had in the world and I did not intend to be separated from him again. We traveled cautiously over the countryside, aware of the possibility that another posse might be sent out to avenge the men Shadow had killed. But no one ever came, and I breathed a sigh of heartfelt relief as we rode down Chicago's main street.

  Our first stop was at the telegraph office where Shadow sent a short message to my father, informing him that we had arrived safely, and then we went to the biggest hotel in the city. I could only watch in amazement as Shadow walked boldly to the front desk and quietly demanded a room with a double bed and a bath.

  The desk clerk, a wizened old man with pale gray eyes and a grizzled goatee, did not offer the slightest protest as Shadow signed the register and paid for our room in advance. Then, taking my arm, he escorted me up the stairs to the second floor as if he had been doing such things all his life.

  Moments after we arrived in our room, two young boys brought in buckets of steaming hot water and filled the zinc tub. I was luxuriating in a hot bubble bath twenty minutes after we arrived in town. It was wonderful.

  Shadow's eyes, as black as polished ebony, burned with a deep and passionate fire as he watched me bathe. A quick intake of breath shook his whole body and then he took the cloth from my hand and dropped it on the floor. Slowly, deliberately he lathered his hands and began to wash me. He started at my shoulders, slowly soaping my skin, his hands moving lazily down my arms. My breasts were next, and I could feel his hands tremble as he washed first one and then the other. My whole body was aquiver as his soapy hands strayed down to wash my belly; I moaned out loud as he gently lifted my left leg and washed it from ankle to thigh. I was on fire with longing when his hand moved to my right leg, and as his fingers stroked the soft flesh of my inner thigh, I was certain I would burst into flame. I whispered his name, wanting him, needing him.

  With a low groan, Shadow rinsed the soap from my skin, then lifted me, still dripping wet from the tub, and carried me to the bed. I watched, quivering with longing, as he pulled off his boots, stripped off his shirt and pants. For a moment, he stood naked beside the bed, his dark eyes burning into mine. I could not take my eyes from Shadow and I thrilled at the sight of himall hard muscled bronze flesh and throbbing desire.

  I sighed with pleasure as he lowered his body over mine, his skin smooth and warm, his mouth hungrily seeking mine. He kissed me until I was breathless, and then he began kissing my neck and my breasts, his mouth trailing fire, until I could wait no longer. For a moment, he hovered over me, his eyes caressing my face, and then he thrust into me, the warm hardness of him filling me with delight. We moved together, sweat-sheened flesh against sweat-sheened flesh, mouths fused together, until we reached that magical moment when two people become one.

  Drifting back to earth, I smiled as I realized this was the first time we had made love in a bed between clean sheets, like any other married couple. We had made love in a hide lodge, in a damp cave, out in the open under a starry sky, in the bowels of a smelly prison cell, but never in a real bed with linen sheets.

  Later, we bathed together and this time I washed Shadow, loving the feeling of power it gave me to know I could arouse him as he aroused me, to know that the touch of my hands upon his hard male flesh turned him into a quivering mass of desire. When he reached for me, I splashed water in his face and jumped out of the tub, laughing as I slipped on the water-slick floor.

  With a growl, Shadow bounded out of the tub and came after me. I eluded him by crawling over the bed and running behind a table, but he continued to pursue me. I could not stop laughing and finally, breathless, I collapsed on the floor. Shadow dropped down on top of me, his strong hands pinning my shoulders to the floor, his long legs straddling my hips.

  With a low growl, he kissed me, a hard kiss full of fire and promise. Still laughing, I struggled against him, my hands pushing ineffectively against the unyielding wall of his chest.

  "Woman," he growled, aroused by my struggles. "Do not fight me."

  "Beast!" I cried in mock fury.

  "Beast, am I?" Shadow mused. "Only a few moments ago you were eager for my touch, begging for more."

  "That was then," I retorted mischievously. "This is now."

  Shadow nodded. "And now it is I who want more."

  "Would you ravage an unwilling woman?" I asked, my fists pummeling his chest.

  Shadow smiled wickedly. "Perhaps."

  "Let me go this instant!" I demanded, intrigued by the game.

  Slowly, Shadow shook his head. His dark eyes burned into mine, and I could see he was excited by my resistance. He bent to kiss me, but I turned my head away. With an oath, Shadow grabbed a handful of my hair and forced me to face him. Then, very deliberately, he bent down and kissed me, his hands and mouth assaulting my senses as they traveled at will over my face, breasts, belly and thighs. I struggled in his grasp, but it was only a sham and in the end I surrendered willingly to the urgings of my heart and body, glorying in Shadow's easy strength, wondering, in the back of my mind, if he would have taken me by force if I had truly been unwilling. The thought was scary, intriguing and exciting all at once.

  Later, we bathed again, the cool water refreshing on our heated flesh. Our eyes met continually, and we could not seem to stop smiling. I was happy and content, deliciously satisfied. Lazily, I let my hands roam over Shadow's body as I dried him with a fluffy towel, loving the touch of his skin, and the way my touch aroused him.

  "We will never get out of this room if you are not careful," Shadow warned, and I tossed him the towel and began to dry myself.

  Later, we went for a walk through the town. We ate dinner at a fine resturant, went shopping for clothes in a rather elegant shop, stopped for dessert at a quiet cafe.

  People gawked at Shadow wherever we went, and the word Indian followed us like smoke, but no one made any trouble for us. Men stared at Shadow, awed and envious of his dark good looks and strong physique; women openly admired him with their eyes, drawn to the raw, animal-like sexuality lurking beneath the surface of his calm exterior. I only smiled and held tight to his arm. He was mine, this rare and wonderful man. All mine.

  The next day we went shopping again. Shadow bought me three new dresses, lacy underwear, a pair of high-heeled shoes, a perky white bonnet, a feather fan, a box of chocolates in a heart-shaped box, a bottle of fragrant perfume.

  Joshua had taken me shopping in New York, but it had been a chore, not fun, as it was now. I basked in the love I read in Shadow's ebony eyes, felt myself blush under his approving gaze when I modeled a dress that was cut shockingly low in front.

  That night we went to the theater. The play was a drama about a timid city girl, a bloodthirsty Indian who abducted her and carried her off to his tepee, and the handsome Mountie who rescued the girl from the Indian's savage clutches. Shadow snickered at the sight of a white man pretending to be an Indian.

&n
bsp; We spent a week in Chicago and did everything there was to do, saw everything there was to see. By the end of the week, my curiosity was near the breaking point. We were sitting side by side on the bed in our room when I asked Shadow where he had learned to register in a hotel, order a full-course meal in a fancy restaurant, and do all the other "civilized" things I had been watching him do. I was soon sorry I asked.

  "Rebecca Matthews instructed me in the fine art of being a gentleman," Shadow answered, shrugging nonchalantly. "She taught me the social graces, as she called them, while we were in New York looking for you."

  "Did she give you all the money you've been spending, too?" I asked, my voice a trifle sharp.

  "No. It was a gift from your father. He said it was a late wedding present, and that when I found you, we were to have a second honeymoon."

  Shadow looked deep into my eyes, his expression solemn. "Do not be jealous of Rebecca," he said quietly. "She is only a good friend. Nothing more."

  It was uncanny, the way that man always knew exactly what I was thinking and feeling.

  "Hannah."

  I knew, from the tone of his voice, that something was wrong. Very wrong. Thinking back, I realized something had been bothering Shadow for several days. More than once I had caught him looking at me oddly. Several times he had started to say something and then changed his mind. I knew intuitively that whatever Shadow was about to tell me was something I would not want to hear.

  Suddenly nervous, I began to fidget with the folds of my skirt. What was he going to say? My imagination went wild. Heecha had been hurt. Mary was dead. My father was sick. He didn't love me any more . . .

  "What is it?" I asked abruptly. "What's wrong?"

  "There is something I must tell you."

  "About Rebecca?" I could not hide the fear in my voice. My hands were suddenly cold, and I felt my throat constrict as I waited for Shadow to explain.

  He did not speak for several minutes and the cold knot forming in the pit of my stomach grew larger with each second that slipped by. I glanced around our hotel room as if seeing it for the first time. The bed was covered with a flowered print spread. The wallpaper was attractive. A green and gold carpet covered the floor. Lace curtains hung at the windows. A large armoire took up most of one wall.

  I glanced in the mirror hanging on the wall across from the bed and saw Shadow watching me intently. Our eyes met and held in the glass.

  "I was unfaithful to you," Shadow said.

  "With Rebecca?" I could hardly say her name.

  "Yes."

  I made no effort to hold back my tears, or to wipe them away. I was hurting inside, hurting so bad I thought I might die. Hurting as I had never hurt before.

  "Hannah, I did not mean for it to happen." Shadow's voice was raw and edged with pain. "I do not blame her for what happened. It was all my fault. I could have said no."

  "Why didn't you?" I lashed out at him, wanting to hurt him as I was hurting. "Did she force you into her bed. Is she so bewitching you couldn't say no?"

  "She loves me, Hannah," he said without conceit. "Or thinks she does. There has been no other man in her life since her husband died."

  I turned so we were face to face. "Too bad we're not living with the Cheyenne," I said bitterly. "You could make her your number two wife."

  "I want no other wife."

  ''Just a lover!" I spat the words at him, saw. his eyes grow dark with pain. Good! I thought. That hurt him. But I took no pleasure in his unhappiness.

  "Hannah, you know in your heart there is no other woman for me. Only you."

  "And Rebecca," I said miserably. "Why did you have to tell me?"

  "I cannot live with a lie between us. I have wanted to tell you for a long time."

  "Why? Why did you do it?"

  Shadow raised his eyes from mine and stared out the window. "She was lonely and unhappy. Every day we were together, I could see that she wanted me in the way a woman wants a man. I pretended I did 'not notice. But one night I could not pretend, and when I ignored her open invitation to her bed, she began to cry." His eyes sought mine again, begging me to believe him, begging me to understand. "I only meant to comfort her, Hannah, nothing else. Afterward, we were both ashamed. Rebecca begged my forgiveness. She said you need never know, but I could not live with you and not tell you what I had done." His voice went soft, so filled with pain I wanted to cry. "I could not see the trust in your eyes and know I did not deserve it."

  Why did he have to be so honest? Why did I have to love him so very much? The pain in his eyes was more than I could bear., I knew, deep in the core of my being, that Shadow might have been unfaithful to me with his body, but never with his heart. And deep in the back of my mind, I was glad he had told me. Our love would have been sorely tarnished if I had learned the truth from someone else.

  "We won't speak of it again," I said, laying my hand on his arm.

  Shadow smiled at me, the love in his eyes washing over me like sunshine as he took me in his arms.

  "I am sorry, Hannah," he whispered fervently. "Please forgive me."

  I nodded, unable to speak.

  Shadow made love to me that night as never before. Each touch of his hands, each kiss, each caress was an affirmation of his love for me. Our joining was more than flesh meeting flesh, it was heart speaking to heart, and soul touching soul. I felt sorry for Rebecca Matthews then, because I knew that whatever she and Shadow had shared had been of no more substance than a puff of smoke caught in a high wind.

  Shadow and I spent the next day in our room, locked in each other's arms. We made love, slept, ate, and made love again.

  That night, walking hand in hand down the street after a late supper, I realized that my childhood dream had come true. I laughed softly as I glanced at Shadow, who looked regal and terribly handsome in a gray frock coat, black cravat, and dove gray trousers.

  "What is funny?" he asked, frowning at me.

  "You," I said, laughing the harder. "Once, a long time ago, I dreamed of going to a big city, but I could never imagine you in evening clothes. Now I know why."

  "I am wearing this silly outfit to please you," Shadow said gruffly. "And now you tell me you do not like it?"

  "Oh, I like it, but it isn't you. I think I like you better in buckskins. Or in nothing at all."

  A wicked light danced in Shadow's dark eyes as he ripped off his cravat and tossed it into the street. His coat went next, and then the soft black shoes on his feet. He was unbuttoning his shirt when I cried, "Shadow, stop! You'll be arrested."

  We were at the entrance to our hotel now. Suddenly sober, Shadow opened the door for me. Then, taking my arm, he guided me up the staircase to our room. I could feel the clerk staring after us, mouth agape, until we were out of sight.

  My father arrived in the city the next day just after noon. With him were Heecha and Mary. And Rebecca Matthews. My children and I shared a noisy, happy, tearful reunion and then Shadow introduced me to Rebecca Matthews. She was a pretty woman, a few years older than I was. Her long brown hair was swept away from her face and gathered in a neat coil at the nape of her neck. Her figure was trim beneath a dark brown skirt and pale yellow shirtwaist. She seemed very nice, a little embarrassed to meet me, but I suppose that was to be expected since she was in love with my husband. Her mild brown eyes lingered on Shadow's face whenever she thought no one was looking, and it was all I could do not to punch her in the nose even though I felt sorry for her. It was sad to love someone and know that love would never be returned.

  When everything settled down to some semblance of quiet, I glanced at my two favorite men. "Well, where do we go from here?"

  Shadow and Pa grinned at each other. "Bear Valley," they answered in unison.

  I had been standing beside a chair. Now I sat down, hard, too stunned to speak. Bear Valley! In my mind, it had always been home.

  Pa nodded, his grin stretching from ear to ear. "Yep. I've decided to go back and try my hand at raising cattle. Mighty p
retty country back there. Sorta gets in a man's blood."

  I looked at Shadow and he nodded. "It is time to go home. Your father has asked for my help in getting started, and I have agreed to work with him, if it is what you want."

  "What I want? Oh, Shadow, it's what I've always wanted." I jumped up from the chair and threw my arms around my husband's neck. "I think it's wonderful. When do we leave?"

  "First thing in the morning," Pa said. "We'll take the train as far as we can, then go by wagon to Steel's Crossing. I hear it's a good sized town by now. We should be able to get everything we need to get started there."

  My eyes slid toward Rebecca Matthews. She smiled at me tentatively, then sent a pleading glance in my father's direction. Pa cleared his throat a couple of times, turned red around the ears as he draped one big arm around Rebecca's slender shoulders.

  "I . . . I, uh . . ." He coughed again. "I asked Rebecca, here, to marry me and she, uh, she said yes. The wedding's tomorrow morning at eight o'clock at the Baptist Church. We'd like you all to be there," Pa finished in a rush, then looked at me, his eyes seeking my approval and understanding. "Your mother's been dead a long time," he said quietly. "I've been lonely. Real lonely. I'd like your blessing, Hannah. It would mean a lot."

  I looked at my father and then at Rebecca. They looked well together, I thought. I could see that Pa loved her, and she loved him. Could I have been mistaken about Rebecca's feeling for Shadow? I didn't think so. But if Rebecca loved Shadow, why was she marrying my father?

  "Hannah?"

  "Congratulations, Pa. Mrs. Matthews. I hope you'll both be very happy."

  Rebecca murmured her thanks while Pa swept me into his arms. Then everyone was talking at once, voices merging into a happy cacophony as we planned for the future. Heecha and Mary were excited at the idea of seeing the place where I had been born, of seeing where their father had once lived. They talked excitedly about exploring the woods, about visiting Rabbit's Head Rock where I had first met Shadow.

  Later, after Heecha and Mary were in bed and the men were hunched over a table making plans about cattle and fences and how many animals to start with, Rebecca took me aside.