Hard & Fast

by Vivien Vale

  Trying to contain this has become my obsession. Allie is my obsession. And yet the guilt and shame of having started all this is making feel crazy.

  Should I tell her, or can I continue to hold my cards close? She will find out who I am at some point. That much is certain. What then?

  Allie

  Lindsay has come over and she's determined to drag me out of the house. There's nothing I want more than to stay in my bathrobe with a cup of tea and to try to forget the world.

  It's looking like because of my bad reputation and subsequent lack of work, that there is limited time left for me in NYC. I can't afford to be here anymore. I'm going to have to go home to my parents and admit to them that I was wrong about making it big as a model.

  I've resigned myself to my fate and to the fact that this means things with Xavier are probably over. I'm starting to really fall for him so it feels awful to think about having to leave. But what’s my other option?

  The thing is, even being at home is gonna be rough. Especially without Xavier.

  "Come on, Allie, just put on some clothes and let's get out of here. I've had enough of you moping around. You have to enter life again at some point."

  "You understand that it's a torture for me to even leave this apartment, right?"

  "Yeah, of course, I know. But the thing is you're never gonna get stronger if you keep hiding from what happened. Besides, with the press conference Xavier just did, it's all gonna be swept under the rug by tomorrow."

  I reluctantly pull on a pair of jeans and say, "Yeah, that was pretty cool of him to do that for me."

  She's picking out a top for me to wear. Lindsay feels totally at home going through all my clothes and everything in my apartment. She's the closest thing I've ever had to a sister.

  "Well, he needed to do that for you. If he's so into you then it's the least he could do. It was his office that put the video out to begin with."

  She's right, and a part of me does wonder why Xavier took so long to jump to action. Maybe he doesn't have the authority to take the video down. I don't know what the story is there, but it just reaffirms the nagging feeling that something is off with him.

  I twist my hair up into a messy bun and pull on a jacket. I'm finally ready to go.

  We hit the streets of NYC and I'm tempted to just go shopping and blow the rest of my money. I could use some retail therapy. And I'm seeing all the cute new fall items out in the store windows.

  "You know I'm probably gonna have to leave right, Lindsay?" I say sadly.

  "No, babe, we're not gonna let that happen. I'm sure that after today things are gonna start to turn around."

  She seems optimistic but also like she really believes what she's saying. Maybe it can happen? Maybe my life could be fixed? But I doubt it.

  "The thing is, I think I'm still tied to this contract with my agent, Harry. I don't see how I can get out of that. I haven't even talked to him since the video came out. I'm not sure what his motives were for putting me in it."

  "Allie, if I had all the money in the world, I would hire you the best lawyer and free you from that contract. Then you can re-enroll with a proper modeling agency. That's what you really need."

  "You're a great friend, Lindsay, truly. And if I have to go, I'm really gonna miss you."

  "Stop, Allie! You have to think positively in order for things to work out."

  We head into a little diner, the same one we always frequent together. I order the usual eggs, sausage, and coffee. And she orders her usual French toast.

  "I really love coming here with you, Lindsay. Something about the atmosphere makes me feel like I'm at home."

  She digs into her lunch.

  "Yeah, well, we've been coming here for almost five years. And it’s still gonna be that way. I promise you, Allie, this mess will get sorted. I don't know how, but I'm sure it will. You're not gonna be a meme forever."

  Easy for her to say.

  I certainly hope she's right. At that moment I see the TV in the upper corner switch to the news and guess who's face flashes across it? Xavier's.

  There he is at his press conference defending me. He makes a statement and is bold and it's powerful and I hope it does the trick.

  "Oh my God, Allie, do you see that? His press conference," she says. "He's defending you."

  I silently wonder how he has the authority to make a statement on behalf of the entire company. I mean, I know he's one of the big executives but I'm not sure how high up he goes. By the look of his penthouse, he must be very well employed.

  I'm just grateful to see his face up on TV and I'm grateful to hear the words he says about the dangers of believing everything you see on the Internet. Hopefully now when anybody Googles me, this scene will also come up. My slate will be wiped clean. I can only hope.

  I eat quickly and tell Lindsay, "I think I should go down to the office. I need to thank Xavier in person for what he did."

  I finish my coffee and she finishes up too, and then we walk together outside into the bustling street.

  "See you later." I hug her goodbye and then I walk towards Hard Pressed .

  Once I get there, I ask the secretary to lead me to Xavier's office. She tells me it's at the very top floor, the penthouse.

  Huh, that's weird.

  His office is in the penthouse? How could that be? Where is the owner's office?

  Things are not making sense but I really want to see him. I go to the elevator and press the button for the penthouse. It takes forever to get to the top floor but once I'm there the door opens directly to his office.

  No one is in there, not even his executive assistant. I look around at all the fine modern finishes and wonder how he can afford all this.

  This place is extremely luxurious. I look out at the city through the floor to ceiling windows and I admire the midday view. He's got it all going on up here. I decide that I'm just gonna wait for him. Hopefully, he'll be back soon.

  I walk over to his desk, intending to take a seat at one of the leather chairs. But first I want to take a moment to peruse his special objects. He's got a number of expensive pieces of art hanging, including one by Pablo Picasso.

  I run my finger over various picture frames showing him in Africa and on several other exotic trips. I see a photo of his mom and think that she looks familiar, like someone I knew way back when.

  And then something strange catches my eye that's sitting on his desk. I hate to snoop, but the papers I see have the name of my modeling agency across them.

  What is this? I peruse the paperwork and realize it's about the purchase and absorption of the modeling agency I work for. This looks like he was the one who bought my agency. He never mentioned that to me.

  I flip through the papers and see a signature scratched at the bottom of the final one. It says, Stanley Xavier Armstrong.

  What. The. Fuck?

  Suddenly, all the pieces fall together in my mind. It all makes sense and the room starts to spin. Xavier is Stanley from my past. I repeat the words in my mind over and over.

  Xavier is Stanley.

  Why wouldn't he tell me? Why was he posing as somebody different? I just can’t wrap my head around it.

  The fact that he bought my modeling agency and didn't tell me, well, that screams deception. And then I start to think about the fact that I'm standing in his penthouse office. I remember hearing about Stanley doing really well with a media company. This must be it. He must be the owner of this company.

  That means he was behind the video. If he owns my modeling agency and Hard Pressed , then that means he was the one that put the video of me out there.

  I think about the story I told him the other day. He asked me what I regretted most and I told him the story of Stanley, the boy that broke my heart.

  He just sat there, allowing me to explain a past that he was a part of. Why would he not mention his involvement?

  His motive for secrecy is unclear. I'm not sure what I ever did to him to deserve this decep
tion. He’s the one who left me after all in high school. He abandoned me and broke my heart. I've never gotten over it.

  And now I figure out that this great guy that I'm starting to fall for is Stanley himself?

  What is he trying to do to me? Hurt me again? What have I ever done to him to merit that?

  I know this almost have to do with what happened in high school. But I still just don't understand. I feel so betrayed, I can hardly stomach the thought of what's just happened.

  But even worse than the sickness in my stomach is the wrenching ache in my chest. The two men I loved are actually one and the same. And this man betrayed me.

  My heart thuds painfully. I’m no stranger to the feeling of a broken heart. Ironic that it’s the same man who’s done it twice now.

  Then I’m suddenly angry. How could he?

  I decide to stay exactly where I am and wait for him. I'm gonna confront him about all of this and he better tell me the truth this time. He needs to come clean once and for all.

  Xavier

  I walk back to my office in a fucked up state thinking of what I did to that guy on the street and thinking of what I did to Allie. Carrying this secret is eating me up inside. I feel like the worst kind of person and this is just not the guy I am. I'm better than this.

  I stroll the offices of Hard Pressed and eventually make my way up to the penthouse. I don't know what I'll do when I get there. Will I call Allie and confess? Will I work on smoothing over her career? Likely both.

  I feel confused and that's not a normal state for me. Normally I'm in control of every facet of my life. That level of control gives me a feeling of regularity and calm.

  And yet here I am spinning out of control over a woman.

  I sought to hurt her and I certainly accomplished that. But never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that now I'd be falling in love with her.

  I do love Allie.

  That's a truth I can no longer hide or run from. I have to face the truth of that at least. How I'm going to explain myself to her I still don’t know.

  I'm still undecided as to whether I should tell her the truth or not. If I tell her, I will lose her. But if I don't, I'll be tormented by guilt for the rest of my life.

  My despondency is at the forefront of my mind. I feel like a ball of thunder. I feel like the slightest provocation will make me lose my fucking grip on life. I feel so much rage and anger, and a lot of it is towards that girl Becky who screwed us both over.

  I'm hopeful that the press conference today will do something to help Allie's career. But I still haven't seen her and I won't know anything until I do.

  I ride the elevator to my office and the doors open. There she is, sitting in my office, waiting for me.

  "Hey, Allie, what a pleasant surprise. Did you see the press conference?"

  I walk towards her and see that she has an angry expression on her face. What could be wrong?

  "How could you have done that to me, Stanley?"

  Whoa wait.

  Wait a fucking minute, she just called me Stanley.

  That means she knows what's been going on.

  "How did you find out?" I ask, unable to look her fully in the eyes.

  "What do you mean how did I find out? That’s all you have to say? You've been deceiving me this entire time. I don't have to answer to you. But you do need to answer to me. What were you thinking, Stanley? Why did you try to destroy my career?"

  I might as well come clean. There's no other recourse. I'm willing to accept my fate.

  I approach her but she won't let me touch her. She pushes me away.

  "Fine, Allie. Do you want to know? Think about the story you told me at the café the other day. Think about how you said Becky betrayed you. Well, guess what? She betrayed me too.

  “After we slept together she told me that you had an STD and didn't tell me. How do you think that made me feel? I gave my virginity to you and after that, I thought you’d lied to me the entire time. That you’d been sleeping around. I loved you and it broke my heart."

  She's looking at me and her anger dissolves into a knowing expression like it's all finally making sense to her.

  "She said that to you?" she asks.

  "Hell yes, she said that," I say. "She told me the wrong location for our first date, and then she told me you had an STD after we slept together. I was so pissed and hurt Allie. I thought I meant nothing to you. I didn't know what to do. So I left school.

  “And then when I even thought about coming back to you, I went to the prom you were there with the quarterback. How do you think all of that made me feel? Like all my suspicions were correct. I've been harboring a grudge against you for years."

  She looks like I just wounded her with a knife to the heart.

  "You mean, you've hated me for all these years?" she says the words slowly, and I see tears forming in her eyes.

  God, how it kills me to know that I've caused this pain. She looks beautiful even when she cries. I want to go to her and comfort her. I want to make it all okay.

  "I'm gonna tell you the truth, okay? But I want you to think of it from my perspective. And I want you to remember this one thing, Allie...I love you. I know for sure that I love you and I always have."

  "Wait a minute, you love me?"

  Her words make me feel like less of a man. She still doesn't know the extent of what I've done and what will she think of me then?

  "Yes, Allie, I love you."

  I want to move to embrace her but I stay where I am. I won't do anything until I come clean fully. Until she knows the whole truth.

  "The thing is, Allie, I've been trying to take you down. I set you up with that agent, Harry. I told him to book you for the video shoot. I didn't want you to know what it was about. I had it staged to make you answer the questions in such a way that I could edit it. I made the video, Allie. I did it all." I feel like a fucking monster admitting all this.

  "I made it look like you have an STD to get you back for what you did to me. I wanted to hurt you and to make you suffer in a such a way that you would feel my pain. I had it all wrong, baby. I'm so, so sorry."

  She's staring at me with a look of rage and sadness all at once.

  I go on. "I own this company. Hard Pressed is mine. And I've been lying to you this whole time. And I'm so sorry. I can’t tell you just how sorry. And I didn't know about Becky or about the past and your perspective. I know I hurt you and there's no excuse and I'm just…so sorry."

  I see my betrayal reflected in her eyes. She's crying now and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I deserve every bit of her hatred.

  "You've been behind all of this. You were out to ruin me, Xavier, and you did it. You won. I'm defeated. Because of what you did, I can no longer afford to live in New York City. I'm packing my bags to go back home. You destroyed my life and my career. I guess that's what you always wanted. So, congratulations. You must be pretty fucking pleased with yourself."

  I rush to her side as if to convey my remorse somehow. I had no idea she was thinking of leaving the city. What the fuck will I do without her? I can't let her go.

  "Allie, it doesn't have to be like that. I didn't realize what Becky had done. I had it all wrong. I'm so sorry. You can stay with me. We can live together and be together and finally be happy. We don't have to be affected by this bullshit anymore. We can have the chance we missed out on all those years ago."

  With firm resolution, she says, "You just don't get it, do you? You can't just hurt people like that and expect to get away with it. How can I ever trust you again? Why would I even want to?"

  The look of disgust on her face cuts me to the core. She pushes me aside and storms out of my office. The last thing I see is her beautiful blonde hair, her perfect body, and her tear-stained face disappearing into the elevator.

  She tries to hide her face in her hands and then the door closes. And that's it. It’s over. I've lost her.

  I go to my desk and take a seat. The magnitude of what
I've done finally hits me. Hard.

  The one girl I've ever loved now hates me. I run my hands through my hair and think of ways to win her back. There's got to be a solution.

  Whether she hates me or not I will not rest until I make things right for her. She will have my devotion whether she wants it or not. Things with Allie go so far past fucking that I can’t even comprehend the depth of my feelings for her.

  Even though I want to go after her and sweep her up in my arms and make her mine, again and again, I resist because I know she hates me and I have to respect that boundary.

  I need her. I love her. But I don’t fucking know if I’ll ever have her again.

  I sink into a deep depression as I imagine my days spent without this beautiful angel who has so captivated my heart. Normally I'm so bored by seeing women throw themselves at me. But Allie's different, and I may have lost out on that. Missed my chance. When I first saw her, I should have recognized it for what it was. A second chance.

  Well, I went and fucked that up too.

  The days ahead look dark and dreary. My mood matches the rainclouds that are forming outside. I can see the storm coming in from my view at the top.

  Money doesn't mean anything unless you have the right person to share it with. I set out to teach her a lesson, but I’m the one who was schooled, and I guess I've learned my lesson the hard way.

  By losing the only woman I’ve ever loved.

  Allie

  I've been holed up at home for the last few days licking my wounds over what happened. I feel sick about the fact that Xavier aka Stanley betrayed me like that.

  At the same time, my world is imploding. I'm afraid to leave the house for fear of more judgment from the public. This has been the worst event in my life and right now the thought of losing Xavier makes it all the worse.

  I don't know what I'm gonna do moving forward, or how I'm going to help my career.

  The image of his face, his chiseled, gorgeous face, is forever in my mind. How could I have known that Stanley, the nerdy guy I knew in high school, would turn into this total superstar? He looks nothing like his old self. At all. Yes, I knew he would do great things but I never expected him to go so far.