Mike Befeler Paul Jacobson Geezer-lit Mystery Series E-Book Box Set: Retirement Homes Are Murder, Living with Your Kids Is Murder, Senior Moments Are Murder, Cruising in Your Eighties Is Murder

by Mike Befeler

“But in Paul’s case it’s true. In fact, in each case he was instrumental in helping the police finally solve the crimes involved.”

  Bearhurst’s eyes rolled upward. “Great. I don’t know what’s worse, an old criminal or an old busybody interfering in police work.”

  “Watch who you call old,” I added helpfully.

  Bearhurst wrinkled his nose and Marion continued. “Paul has happened upon crime scenes before. First in Hawaii, then in Colorado and recently in Southern California.” She wagged her finger at Bearhurst. “I’d suggest you listen to what he has to say, as he’s been one hundred percent accurate in all three jurisdictions.”

  Now Bearhurst let out a deep sigh. “Give me a break, lady. Your husband reports a dead body when he is seen publicly arguing with the victim thirty minutes earlier.”

  Marion held her ground. “Paul has a bit of an anger problem and does engage in debates with people, but he’s not violent.”

  “What’s that bruise on your arm, Mrs. Jacobson?”

  Marion flinched. “A bag fell out of the overhead compartment on our flight yesterday and struck me.”

  “You sure it wasn’t caused by your husband?”

  “Just one minute, Detective. I may not remember yesterday from chicken fricassee, but I don’t attack women.”

  “How about homeless people?”

  “I admit I got a little heated today when Curly confronted me, but no, words are as far as I go.”

  Bearhurst locked in on my eyes, and I stared back at him without flinching.

  “Now Mr. Jacobson, I’d like to see the identification that you neglected to take with you this morning.”

  “It should be around here somewhere.”

  “Paul, look in the drawer of the nightstand on the right side of the bed.”

  “There you go, Detective. My bride is on top of these things.” I scurried over and opened the drawer to find a worn brown billfold. Inside rested an identification card with a picture of a dazed me. I whipped it out and handed it to Detective Bearhurst

  His forehead wrinkled. “This has an address in Hawaii.”

  I shrugged. “I used to live there.”

  “Paul, I forgot to remind you to change your address,” Marion said.

  “Now don’t you start forgetting things,” I replied.

  Marion reached for her purse. “Detective, you can copy our address down from my identification.”

  Bearhurst jotted down what he needed and turned back to me.

  “We’ll speak again, Mr. Jacobson. Now I’m going to have to ask you not to leave the city for the next two days.”

  “But that’s not possible,” Marion said. “We have a honeymoon cruise beginning this afternoon.”

  “Honeymoon?”

  “Yes. Paul and I were married two weeks ago.” Marion held out her left hand.

  Detective Bearhurst shook his head like he was trying to clear away annoying flies. “May I see your tickets?”

  Marion retrieved a packet from her purse. “Here are our two tickets on Scandinavian Sea Lines and our passports.”

  He scanned the documents, wrote a note on his pad, then looked up at me. “I’ll know where to find you, Mr. Jacobson. And when you return to Seattle next Sunday, I want you to call me.” He handed me a card.

  “You could always come down to the dock to greet us,” I said.

  He smiled. “I just might do that, Mr. Jacobson.”

  “You can even bring me a present, as long as it’s not handcuffs.”

  “We could always add a little extra tour on the end of your cruise—King County Jail.” He nodded toward Marion. “Mrs. Jacobson, nice meeting you.” With that he turned and exited the room.

  I stared at the closing door.

  “That’s a heck of a way to get ready for a cruise,” I said.

  Marion hugged my arm. “There’s nothing we can do now.”

  “What an intense fellow that Detective Bearhurst is. You’d think he was trying to track down a terrorist.”

  Marion pursed her lips. “This isn’t a laughing matter.”

  “I’ll say. He seemed on the verge of locking me up.”

  “I’m just glad he didn’t try to prevent you from going on the cruise ship.”

  “That would have been a problem. Now, my stomach is growling. Are you ready for some feasting?”

  “First, you have one thing to take care of. It’s time for your pills.”

  “Pills?”

  She retrieved a rack of containers from the dresser, opened one labeled “Sunday Morning” and handed me three horse pills.

  “Are we going to play marbles?” I asked.

  “No. You’re going to be good and swallow these.”

  I eyed the three rocks in my hand. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

  “Now don’t be such a sissy. Take your medicine.”

  “How do I know you’re not trying to poison me and run off with all my life savings?”

  Marion exhaled an exasperated sigh. “Just swallow them or I might consider some form of bodily harm.”

  “Since you put it that way, yes, ma’am.” I filled a glass with water and managed to down the pills somehow.

  “I have to go through that every day?” I asked.

  “Twice a day. Once in the morning and once around dinner time.”

  “Are these supposed to help my memory?”

  “The doctor says they prevent your memory from getting worse.”

  “How can it get worse if I can’t remember yesterday?”

  “You still recall things fine during the day.”

  “I guess you’re right.”

  “Now I have another thing to help your memory.”

  “A new set of brain cells?”

  “No. A journal.” She pulled a notebook out of her suitcase and handed it to me. “Every day during our cruise you can write down what happens. Then you can leave a note on top of this diary to remind yourself to read it the next morning to review what happened the day before.”

  I shook my head to try to see if I could loosen up my tangle of uncooperative brain cells. Made as much sense as anything else that had transpired so far today.

  Marion laughed. “Why don’t you watch TV while I finish getting ready? Then we can go down to breakfast.”

  “I’m sure set for some culinary delights after my hike this morning.”

  I turned on the tube and clicked through several channels before stopping on one with a dog show. Not having anything better to do, I watched a line of trainers and beasts including an Australian shepherd, boxer, Dalmatian, Shih Tzu, Welsh Corgi and golden retriever prance by to try to win Best in Show.

  When Marion stepped out of the bathroom part way through her beautifying, I said to her, “I don’t get this dog show program. They’re trying to choose between such different types of animals. It’s like trying to select the best fruit between an apple, orange and banana.”

  “I guess it’s not any different than picking the best husband.” She patted my arm.

  “Or picking your nose.”

  Marion swatted me.

  “Careful. I don’t want to become an abused husband.”

  “Then don’t tell dumb jokes.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  While Marion continued her powder and putty application process, I opened the curtains and sat down in a chair to admire the view of downtown Seattle. I should have been relaxed watching the traffic below and seeing the Space Needle poking out in the distance, but my insides were still churning. Here I’d tried to take a calm early-morning promenade and look what happened. Images of a dungeon in some institutional building out there in the jungles of Seattle danced in my head. I had to get a grip. I knew I was innocent no matter how Detective Bearhurst acted. I took a deep breath. Think. Was there anything I’d missed that would demonstrate my innocence? I’d have to noodle on it today. From what I’d learned, by tomorrow all of today’s activities would disappear from my befuddled brain. I definitely would hav
e to write in the journal Marion had given me. I’d need any recollection I could muster to stay ahead of a determined detective. In the meantime, I’d prepare for the cruise. At least I hadn’t been detained.

  Marion emerged from the bathroom.

  “Damn, I’m a lucky man to be married to you.”

  She smiled. “I consider myself lucky as well.”

  Chapter 3

  After a trip down to the restaurant for a large cheese and mushroom omelet, we returned to the room to finish re-packing.

  We lazed around until eleven o’clock when Marion said, “Oh, I just remembered something we need to do.”

  “Go get on the ship?”

  “No, besides that. I’m supposed to remind you to call your family to let them know we arrived safely in Seattle.”

  “I don’t know how safe our arrival is, given the events of this morning.”

  “Just phone them.”

  “Okay.” I reached for the room phone and then realized I didn’t know my son Denny’s phone number.

  “Don’t use that telephone.” Marion reached in her purse and handed me a tiny object the size of two matchboxes. “Here.”

  “What the heck is this?”

  “Your granddaughter Jennifer gave this to you as a present on the condition that you use it to call her while we’re on the cruise. She wants a full report of all our activities.”

  “All?” I arched my eyebrows.

  Marion crossed her arms. “In particular, the ones where you get in trouble with the police.”

  “Oh. How old is my granddaughter, anyway? I last remember a little girl of six or so.”

  Marion tsked. “She’s now twelve, Paul.”

  I shook my head. “How time flies when you’re having fun.” I eyed the electronic gadget in my hand. It had numbers; I understood that part. Then I saw a red button, a green button, some arrows and a window that displayed the time.

  “Okay, so this is like a clock. How am I supposed to make a phone call?”

  “My grandson Austin programmed all the relevant phone numbers in it for us. He also showed me how to find them. I’ll fetch the number for your family and show you what to do.”

  She grabbed it back, punched some keys and returned it to me.

  “Now all you have to do is hit the green button and it will dial your family’s number in Boulder.”

  “Then I have to yap into it like all those people I saw today wandering around with their hand to their ear like they were talking to themselves?”

  “That’s it.”

  “And it’s magically going to send my voice through the air?”

  “Yes.”

  I sighed. “Next you’ll try to convince me to use one of those computer things.”

  “Both Austin and Jennifer have been trying to talk you into that, but you’re too stubborn.”

  “Darn right. A geezer like me has to retain some of his old-fashioned reluctance.”

  I pushed the green button and thrust the hunk of plastic and metal to my ear. I heard ringing and then I recognized the sound of Denny’s voice.

  “Hello to you too. This is your father, safe and sound.”

  “Dad, I’m glad you called. You sound so far away.”

  “That’s because I’m in Seattle.”

  “No. I mean you’re not speaking directly into the phone.”

  I adjusted the dad-blamed gadget. “Is this better?”

  “Now I can hear you clearly.”

  “I’m calling to tell you Marion and I are about to head off on our honeymoon cruise, and I wanted to see if that granddaughter of mine was around.”

  “She’s here. Hold on.”

  I heard some background noise, then, “Grandpa!”

  “You got me there. I’m up in the Northwest ready to see some whales.”

  “There are supposed to be whales everywhere up there, Grandpa. Be sure to take pictures.”

  “Well, I haven’t seen any yet because we’re not on the ship.”

  “Have you found any dead bodies yet?”

  I almost dropped the phone. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Grandpa, you have this way of bumping into crimes. I’ve helped you solve them in the past.”

  “As a matter of fact, I did find a dead street person.”

  “Cool.”

  “No it wasn’t. The detective thinks I had something to do with it.”

  “You’ll solve it, Grandpa. You’re good at figuring out these things.”

  “Well, I have no clue this time, not that I can remember any previous bodies with my soggy memory.”

  “That’s why you need to keep your journal, Grandpa.”

  “Marion gave me a diary. You think it’s a good idea to write in it?”

  “Absolutely. That way you know what’s happening to you. Add to it every day. Then you can read it every morning to refresh your memory. For you it’s like having a battery in a cell phone.”

  I pulled the thing away from my ear and looked at it, then thrust it back against my ear. “Speaking of which, why do they make these damn phones so small?”

  Jennifer sighed. “Grandpa, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you. Cell phones are small so you can easily carry them with you. Now, don’t change the subject. Tell me all about finding the dead body.”

  I recounted the morning’s activities.

  “And because you argued with the victim, the detective thinks you might have killed him.”

  “That’s right. Circumstantial evidence, but the best he has so far.”

  “Maybe someone had a grudge against the street person.”

  “That makes more sense than an old fart like me doing it.”

  “I know you had nothing to do with the murder, Grandpa.”

  “I appreciate the vote of confidence. Will you be a character witness at my trial?”

  “It won’t go that far.” There was a pause on the line. “Grandpa, did you look carefully at the dead body?”

  “I saw a shoe and then the rest of the appendages attached to it.”

  “Think back. There must be a clue in something you saw at the crime scene.”

  My daytime photographic memory clicked in, and I recreated the image of the man sprawled in the posies. “Yeah, I can visualize him lying there.”

  “Anything unusual?”

  “Yeah. He was dead.”

  Jennifer clicked her tongue. “I know that. What else?”

  “He was dressed like a bum.”

  “There might still be a clue there somewhere. Keep thinking it over.”

  “I better do it today. From what I’ve learned, my memory is great at what transpired today, but overnight it goes in the crapper.”

  “Grandpa, what a way to talk.” Then she giggled. “You’re so old-fashioned. The kids I hear swear don’t use any of the funny words you do.”

  “Well, don’t be like me. Speak nicely.”

  “Don’t worry. I don’t have to prove anything by swearing. I think it’s gross.”

  “Good for you. Just as long as you don’t think I’m gross.”

  “You’re a denizen of a different era.”

  I almost swallowed the phone. “Where’d you learn a phrase like that?”

  I could picture a shrug. “I’ve been doing a lot of reading this summer. It popped out from some book.”

  “I’ll noodle over it. In the meantime if you have any other suggestions, let me know.”

  “I’ll put my brain to work. You and I are a great investigative team, Grandpa. I’ll see if I can come up with any new ideas. I’m going to be a private investigator when I grow up.”

  “I’m going to be a geezer when I grow up.”

  “You already are, Grandpa, and a darn good one. Now you be sure to call regularly during the cruise. Then we can discuss solving this crime.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “And I’m glad you decided to use the cell phone.”

  “Fortunately, Marion knows how the crazy th
ing works.”

  “Just write a note in your journal to call me every several days.”

  “Will do. Tell me what you’re doing this summer.”

  “Swim season is over, but I’m playing a lot of tennis right now. Whacking the ball pretty good.”

  “You keep at it. Tennis is a good sport for a lifetime.”

  “I’ve been improving. I’ve entered my first city tournament, which starts tomorrow. I’m playing singles and also entered doubles with my friend Patty.”

  “We’ll have to talk during the week. I’ll let you know how Marion and I are enjoying the cruise, and you can keep me posted on your tennis results.”

  “Okay. And you watch for all those whales in Alaskan waters.”

  “I’ve heard a rumor they’re waiting for me. I’ll check them out from the comfort of a large ship. As long as I don’t have to go near the water, I’ll be fine.”

  “Oh, Grandpa. When are you going to learn to love the ocean?”

  “Probably when I start loving lawyers and pills. You realize Marion stuffed three huge pills down my throat this morning?”

  “You be brave and take your medicine. That’s what my parents always tell me when I’m sick.”

  “But I’m perfectly healthy except for the fact I can’t remember squat.”

  “That’s why you need to take your pills. And another thing. Lawyers aren’t so bad. You have a very good friend in Hawaii who was a judge and lawyer.”

  “I do?”

  “Yes. When you lived in the retirement home. You and Meyer Ohana became good friends just like Patty and me. He’s a retired lawyer.”

  “I’ll be damned. Me, consorting with a lawyer?”

  “Now that you have a cell phone, you should call him too. He’d like to hear about your cruise. He’s living in a care home because he can’t see very well anymore. He has macular degeneration.”

  “Kind of goes with my memory degeneration.”

  “Oh, Grandpa. You’re still with it. You just need your journal and Marion to remind you of what’s happened recently. Oh, I have to go. Patty and I have a practice match. We’re playing two older girls to improve our game. Be sure to call me again.”

  “I’ll remind Marion to remind me.”

  “Bye, Grandpa.”

  I handed the phone to Marion.

  “You need to push the red button to end the call,” she said.