Mike Befeler Paul Jacobson Geezer-lit Mystery Series E-Book Box Set: Retirement Homes Are Murder, Living with Your Kids Is Murder, Senior Moments Are Murder, Cruising in Your Eighties Is Murder

by Mike Befeler

  It now seemed like I was floating around the room watching myself sitting there in the chair.

  “Mr. Jacobson is fully hypnotized. He will respond to any request I make but won’t do anything that is against his principles. Mr. Jacobson, your right arm has a helium balloon attached to it. It’s going to rise straight up.”

  Sure enough, my arm acted as if it had a mind of its own and popped up like I was a school kid in class with the answer the teacher wanted.

  “Now your raised hand will stick to the top of your head.”

  I found my hand searching for fleas in my wavy locks.

  “Now I want you to pick your nose in front of this whole audience.”

  I heard laughter. No way I’d do that.

  “As you see, Mr. Jacobson will not do something that he considers repugnant. Now if I had suggested he was in the privacy of his own home and his nose itched, he would have followed my command.

  My hand shot to my face and scratched my sniffer.

  Another titter of laughter.

  “Now, Mr. Jacobson, please tell me what you did yesterday.”

  I felt my mouth pop open, but no words came out.

  “Mr. Jacobson?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Think hard. There must be something from yesterday.”

  “Nope. Nothing.”

  I heard Marion’s voice. “I told you. He has short-term memory loss. You can ask him anything about today, but he doesn’t recall things overnight.”

  The hypnotist cleared his throat. “Let’s see if Mr. Jacobson can remember something unique that happened to him today. Mr. Jacobson, what was the strangest thing that you encountered this morning?”

  “I found a dead body.”

  Chapter 5

  A collective gasp rose from the audience at hearing that I had found a dead body that morning.

  “Please recount what happened.”

  “I was wandering through a public garden in Seattle and spotted a shoe. When I went over to investigate, the shoe was on a foot of a man who had been murdered.”

  “Did you recognize him?”

  “Yes. He was a street person named Curly who had accosted me earlier in the morning.”

  “Okay. I want you to describe him in detail.”

  “He wore brown trousers, black loafers, a red plaid shirt under a dirty blue windbreaker, had a gray scraggly beard and unkempt gray hair, liver spots on his left cheek and black nose hair sticking out.”

  A titter ran through the crowd.

  “Now I want you to reexamine the man. There’s something you didn’t notice before that is important. You look carefully at him and you see the one thing that you didn’t pay attention to before. What is it?”

  I felt like I was back in the garden. My eyes focused on Curly’s inert body. Then I noticed it. “There’s a red bandanna poking out of his jacket pocket.”

  “And why is that important?”

  My mind raced back to an earlier encounter that morning. “Because another homeless man who had also come up to me earlier this morning wore a red bandanna.”

  The hypnotist turned to the audience. “You see, under hypnotism Mr. Jacobson is able to visualize more of what he saw in the past. He didn’t realize he had seen the red bandanna before, but now he remembers exactly what he had seen.”

  He turned back to face me. “Mr. Jacobson, I want you to come out of your trance when I snap my fingers. You will remember everything that happened in minute detail.” He snapped his fingers.

  I immediately stood up and went over to Marion and whispered in her ear, “I need to call Detective Bearhurst in Seattle. That red bandanna may be the clue he isn’t aware of. If that bandanna belonged to the other street person named Lumpy, he may be the murderer.”

  “What are you two conspiring over?” the hypnotist asked.

  “Just newlywed talk,” I said. “I want to thank you for refreshing my memory from this morning, but I need to take care of something important.”

  “Don’t you want to see the rest of the show?”

  “Another time.”

  Then I whispered in Marion’s ear. “You stay, and I’ll come back as soon as I get a message to Bearhurst. I have his card in the stateroom.”

  I left the stage and headed to the nearest exit sign to a round of applause.

  When I reached our cabin, I located Detective Bearhurst’s card and noticed a sticker by the stateroom phone indicating the astronomical price per minute to place phone calls to shore. Oh well, my life savings might be flying away, but I needed to do my civic duty.

  I called, asked for the good detective and was told I would be transferred to his cell phone. I waited, tapping my fingers on the table and watching dollar signs flying past my face.

  Finally, a crisp voice came on the line, “Detective Bearhurst here.”

  “Detective, this is Paul Jacobson.”

  “Mr. Jacobson. I thought you were on a cruise ship.”

  “I am. My bride and I are enjoying the wonders of the sea, but I have something important to pass on to you.”

  “A confession?”

  “I confess that attitude is awfully negative, but no, I’m innocent as the pure driven snow. I’m calling because I remembered something that will be of use to you in your murder investigation.”

  There was a momentary pause. “You have memory problems but now recall something relevant?”

  “Exactly. I had a little assistance from a hypnotist this evening.”

  “Is this turning into a crank call?”

  “No way. I have something very specific. This morning in addition to being accosted by the victim and then finding his body, I was approached by another street person named Lumpy.”

  “Yes. Lumpy Holubar. He’s one of the regulars who hang out by the Pikes Street Market.”

  “Didn’t know his last name, but Lumpy was wearing a red bandanna when he unceremoniously buttonholed me. Later when I found Curly’s body, I didn’t make the connection, but under hypnosis I remembered that I had seen a red bandanna in Curly’s pocket. It might not be anything, but on the other hand it might be a connection to Lumpy.”

  “That’s it?”

  “Check it out, Detective. You’ll find the bandanna in Curly’s jacket pocket, and it might prove that Lumpy was involved in Curly’s untimely demise.”

  “Interesting.”

  “I think so. And there might be more of a motive with Lumpy than with little old me.”

  “I’ll check it out.”

  “Good. I want you to catch the real murderer by the time I sail back into Seattle, so you won’t have to waste your time suspecting an old fart like me.”

  “I’ll see what I find. It’s also interesting that I received a report late this afternoon that you were involved in an altercation on the ship. Seems a woman filed a complaint that you knocked her over.”

  I felt the heat rising in my neck. “That was an accident. Someone pushed me, and I bumped into the woman, who then fell down.”

  “People seem to have accidents when they’re around you, Mr. Jacobson.”

  “I’m not planning on being around any more accidents for the rest of the cruise, Detective. I hope the information I’ve passed on to you helps.”

  After hanging up I sat there stewing. I’d only been trying to assist, and Detective Bearhurst made me feel like a Mafioso ready to drop someone tied to an anchor into the ocean. I took a deep breath. He was only doing his job, but it was disturbing that news of events on the ship had already reached him. This secret cabal of law enforcement should have better things to do than exchange stories of Paul Jacobson’s adventures.

  But my bride needed me by her side, so I returned to the hypnotist show. I found Marion back in her seat and plunked down next to her. On the stage four people were crawling around on their hands and knees, woofing like dogs.

  “At least I didn’t end up doing that,” I said.

  “You escaped lightly,” Marion replied. “Whil
e you were gone, he tried to hypnotize me, but it didn’t take. I was excused to return to my seat.”

  “And I thought I’d be the one who couldn’t be hypnotized. You must have a stronger will than I have.”

  “I just need to be as conscious as possible so someone in the family can remember what’s going on.”

  “And I gratefully accept the assistance.”

  After the show we strolled along the starboard side of deck seven and stared out into the darkness. A few lights could be discerned from Vancouver Island. I looked down and saw spots of foam sparkling from reflected ship light. A gentle background thumping noise permeated the night as the ship’s hull pounded through the gentle waves.

  We held hands as we returned to the cabin, then discarded clothes and climbed between the sheets. Suddenly I found a soft body snuggling against mine. A warm surge shot though me, and something in my lower quarters started to enlarge.

  “What’s that poking me?” Marion asked with a giggle.

  “I’ll be darned. You seem to have inspired a little-used part of my anatomy.”

  “I wouldn’t say that it was little used.”

  “I certainly don’t remember the last time it came alive like this.”

  Our two old bodies engaged, and we built up as much friction as any of those twentysomethings who had been on treadmills earlier could have mustered.

  Afterwards, I lay there spent, marveling at my strange life and the blessing of having Marion there with me. I could have been an abandoned street person like Lumpy or Curly, but instead I had a wife keeping me warm as we sailed the oceans of the world.

  Chapter 6

  My eyes popped open, and I discovered I was in a little room that was gently swaying. Next to me rested the form of a woman with silver gray hair cascading over the pillow. I knew immediately I was on the Scandinavian Sea Lines Sunshine sailing to Alaska with my wife Marion. And I had short-term memory loss and wasn’t supposed to remember things from the day before. But I recalled yesterday as clear as a polished set of crystal. What was happening? Had the sea air cured my crappy mental peculiarity?

  I stretched. So this was what it was like for normal people to wake up in the morning. I thought of a nice hot cup of java and some vittles but felt contented in knowing where I was and why I was here.

  Marion stirred and propped herself up on her elbows. “Are you up already?” she asked, eyes hardly open.

  “Yup. And something amazing happened. I can remember yesterday.”

  She sat up, and I admired how attractive she was even in her sleepy and disheveled state.

  “You’re a fine-looking woman.”

  She rubbed her eyes. “I don’t think this is my best appearance of the day.”

  I whistled. “You look darn good to me. I still can’t believe my memory is clicking on all cylinders.”

  Marion chuckled. “This happens once in a while, Paul.”

  “What’s the secret? Was it the change of venue or the rocking ship shaking things up?”

  “Oh, it was shaking things up all right.” She giggled.

  “There’s some classified information here that you’re keeping from me.”

  “It’s something we did last night.”

  “Let’s see. Eating at the Captain’s table, strolling on deck, the hypnotist show. . . . Is this a delayed reaction from being hypnotized?”

  “No, it’s something we did when we returned to the cabin last night.”

  “All we did was crawl into bed and then . . .”

  “That’s right.”

  “You mean our little romp upon the mattress?”

  “Exactly.”

  My yap must have dropped open because Marion said, “Close your mouth before you catch mosquitoes.”

  “I can’t believe that our intimacy would shake up the old brain cells.”

  “It’s one of your interesting idiosyncrasies.”

  “In that case I wish my old body were up to a repeat performance.”

  “We’ll see. Maybe the right circumstances will present themselves again soon.”

  “Wow. Something to look forward to. How long will this new mental acuity last?”

  “You fade overnight. Tomorrow you won’t remember things from the short-term past anymore.”

  “Too bad. Last night was a night to remember.”

  Marion dropped back down and rested her head on the pillow. “I’m not ready to get up. Are you going to sleep some more as well?”

  “No. I’m wide awake now. I think I’ll explore a little and take my morning constitutional.”

  “You have your walk, and when you return, I’ll be ready to dress.”

  “I suppose as a newlywed I should stay with you.”

  “Go walk. You’d only thrash around.”

  “Maybe something else might happen.”

  “Not after last night but maybe soon.”

  “Okay. I have something to anticipate.”

  Marion buried herself in the covers, and I put on my sweatsuit, donned my dark glasses and grabbed a baseball hat that read, “Geezer and proud of it.” I wondered if that had been a wedding present or something I’d collected in my deep dark past.

  Remembering my way around the ship from the day before, I climbed the stairs to deck thirteen and emerged into the bright sunlight. Off to starboard I could see some emerald green islands. I leaned over the railing and tried to spot a whale. After ten minutes of squinting and only seeing whitecaps, I abandoned that exercise and decided to really exercise. I revved up my engine and started off at a brisk pace clockwise around the walking and jogging track. On my first revolution, I passed six eager walkers and two joggers heading the other way. Then I reversed my direction and encountered another two walkers and a jogger. They all seemed in good shape and two to five decades younger than me. It was up to me to uphold the honor of the octogenarians. On the next pass I heard footsteps behind me, and a man in his sixties pulled up alongside. He was panting. “I wanted to catch up to you, but you’ve been moving at a pretty brisk clip,” he said.

  “At my age once I get going, there’s only full speed ahead and a dead stop, the emphasis on dead.”

  He chuckled. “I’m more into starting slowly and then building up speed after a few laps. This your first cruise?”

  I turned toward him and noticed that he was approximately my height with a tan face and wore a floppy white hat.

  “First time on a ship since the Navy during World War Two.”

  “All right. A swabby. I was in the Air Force during Vietnam.”

  “You see much action?”

  “I was a navigator on transport duty between the States and Saigon. How about you?”

  “Logistics. I supported Operation Overlord by providing supplies to the troops landing on Utah Beach in Normandy.”

  “No kidding. That must have been quite an operation.”

  “I didn’t see any action, but I sure pushed a lot of paper.”

  “So we both had our experience behind the lines. By the way, my name is Andrew Black.” He held out a large paw and I clasped it.

  “Paul Jacobson here. You been on a cruise before?”

  “Yes siree. This is my third. My wife and I did the Caribbean and Hawaii.”

  “Since I’m a newcomer, tell me how this whole cruise scene works. What should I be sure to do and what should I avoid?”

  Andrew bit his lip. “Let’s see. First of all, it’s very easy to overeat on these cruises. I try to limit myself to a light breakfast and lunch and then usually have a good dinner. I supplement that with my morning walks as well. Still, I’ll put on five pounds by the end of the trip.”

  “You look pretty fit.”

  “Yeah, I work at it. You seem in good shape as well.”

  “Physically I’m doing great for an old fart, but I have short-term memory loss.”

  “That’s too bad. How does it affect you?”

  “I remember things fine during the day. I still have my photographic me
mory. But overnight someone removes the batteries and the day before goes blank.”

  “How do you cope with that?”

  “My wife reminds me of things, and she’s given me a journal to record my life events in. So all I have to remember is to write in it every night before I go to sleep. Then the next morning I can reacquaint myself with what’s transpired.”

  He shook his head. “I can’t imagine what that’s like.”

  “Things could be worse. I’m healthy otherwise. Now back to cruise advice.”

  “Let’s see. There are specialty dining rooms on the ship. My wife and I usually try dinner at one of these during the week, although the regular dining rooms are superb.”

  “We had an excellent dinner last night.”

  He stared over at me. “I thought you couldn’t remember things from the day before.”

  “Touché. Nothing wrong with your memory. Once in a blue moon my brain cells get jogged and I can remember. Last night was one of those rare occasions.”

  “You need to find a way to jog it every night,” Andrew said.

  “I wish it were that simple. How about excursions?”

  “We sign up for shore excursions on most stops, but sometimes we just wander around on our own. That’s the beauty of cruises. You can be with other people when you want or you can go off on your own when you choose.”

  “My wife and I signed up for the spa. Do you do that?”

  He smiled. “Yes, indeed. That’s one of the best services. It isn’t crowded and particularly up here with the cool outside air, it gives me a chance to swim some laps in the pool.”

  “I hate swimming, but I like the idea of a hot tub. Nothing like a good soak for the old bones.”

  “And be sure to take in the evening shows. Tonight the ensemble is doing a collection of Broadway show tunes.”

  “Last night we went to the hypnotist show. He called all the newlyweds up on stage, and I was his first victim.”

  “That’s why you look familiar. I saw the show. He tried to have you remember from the day before, and you couldn’t.”

  “Evidence of my normal overnight memory.”

  “So I’m walking with a celebrity.” He chuckled. “I’d never go up on the stage like that.”