Mike Befeler Paul Jacobson Geezer-lit Mystery Series E-Book Box Set: Retirement Homes Are Murder, Living with Your Kids Is Murder, Senior Moments Are Murder, Cruising in Your Eighties Is Murder

by Mike Befeler

  “You should change that to the afternoon, which is supposed to be the most spectacular time of day to see the pass.”

  “Is that right?” Marion said.

  “Yes. We had friends who were here a month ago and raved about it.”

  “What do you think, Paul?”

  “I can try to change the reservation when we return to the ship.”

  “Would you?”

  “Why not?”

  We stopped at a scenic spot for one last look at the glacier. No bears and no whales.

  The bus returned us to downtown Juneau where we had a chance to spread around a few more tourist dollars. Marion picked out gifts for her grandson and my granddaughter, and then we wandered back to the ship.

  * * * * *

  Later Marion and I sauntered down to deck seven to visit the excursion desk to try to change the time for our train ride the next day. After waiting patiently for half a dozen other passengers to harangue the clerk, our turn came. Marion stood off to the side while I stepped up to speak with the clerk.

  “I have a very simple request,” I said. “I want to exchange our morning White Pass railway ride for the afternoon.”

  The man pursed his lips. “That’s not possible.”

  “Why’s it not possible?”

  “We don’t make changes twenty-four hours before the excursion begins.”

  I stepped back and looked around the counter. “I don’t see any sign indicating that.”

  “It’s our policy.”

  “Well, why don’t you just check to see if there are seats available in the afternoon?”

  He clicked away on his keyboard. “There are, but we don’t make changes at this late date. We’ve already given a count to the railway.”

  “What if I were coming here to make new reservations for the afternoon?”

  “We could accommodate that.”

  “Fine. Make me a new reservation for the afternoon and cancel the morning.”

  “That’s not possible.”

  “You just told me that there were seats available in the afternoon.”

  “Don’t be difficult, sir.”

  “Don’t be difficult? What the hell are you being?”

  “There are other people waiting to be helped.”

  “Great. Why don’t you help me, and then I’ll be happy to let you help them.”

  “I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can do for you.”

  “I’ll say. You’re a pathetic, useless, bureaucratic twerp.”

  I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see Grudion with his flaming red hair.

  “Please step out of the line, Mr. Jacobson, and stop intimidating our employee.”

  “How about if he tries providing some service?”

  “Don’t be difficult, Mr. Jacobson.”

  “I’m tired of everyone accusing me of being difficult. I’m only trying to trade in tickets for the train ride tomorrow.”

  “Haven’t you already caused enough problems today? After our earlier conversation, I’ve had two reports concerning your escapades in Juneau. First, you pushed a woman into a vat at the salmon hatchery, and then you harassed a bear at the Mendenhall Glacier.”

  “Word sure circulates fast up here,” I said.

  Grudion gave me a broad smile. “Yah, I have people watching you, Mr. Jacobson.”

  “Great. That’s all I need. Being tailed by some Swedish gumshoe.”

  “And we’ll be continuing to watch you, Mr. Jacobson. Although you’re a customer, I don’t want you endangering any other passengers or crew.”

  “How is Julian Armour doing?” I asked.

  “He is recovering.”

  “That’s good to hear. I hope he told you that I did nothing to harm him in the hot tub.”

  “I haven’t had a chance to speak with him yet.”

  Marion came to my side. “Mr. Grudion, Paul and I want to do something to overcome these problems.” She looked at me. “First of all, we’d like to speak with the woman who was bumped and fell in the pool at the salmon hatchery. Would that be possible?”

  “I’m not going to divulge her name to Mr. Jacobson.”

  I saw where Marion was headed so I jumped in. “How about this, Mr. Grudion? I’ll write her a note of apology. My wife and I would like to invite her to dinner at one of the specialty restaurants.” I looked toward Marion.

  She nodded her head.

  “You don’t have to tell us who she is, but would you give her the note and let her decide if she wants to accept my apology?”

  Grudion wrinkled his brow. “Yah, I guess that would be possible.”

  “Good.” I stepped to the desk, took a piece of stationery and dashed off a brief note. I handed it to Grudion. “This was all an accident, but I’m willing to try to improve relations between your passengers.”

  “We’ll continue to watch you, Mr. Jacobson.”

  “While you’re doing that see if you can scare up some whales as well.”

  After Grudion left, Marion said, “That was a good idea to send a note. We need to change people’s perceptions.”

  “Darn right. I may be an old curmudgeon, but I don’t intentionally push anyone down stairs and into a vat of squirming baby salmon.”

  Marion kissed me on the cheek. “And you’re not even that much of a curmudgeon. But you certainly seem to attract trouble.”

  “I guess I’m making up for my earlier years when I led such a calm and mundane life.”

  “No dead bodies then?”

  “Nope. This seems to be a new trend.”

  We adjourned to the balcony to survey the sound and town of Juneau. Still no whales.

  My whale-less reverie was interrupted by the phone ringing. I answered it.

  “Is this Mr. Paul Jacobson?”

  “It is.”

  “My name is Mrs. Ellen Hargrave. I received a note from you that was just delivered to my cabin. You want to apologize to me for the two times you’ve bumped into me?”

  “Thank you for calling, Mrs. Hargrave. I want to let you know I’m sorry for the two accidents. My wife and I would like to make it up to you by taking you out to dinner at one of the specialty restaurants of your choice.”

  “I don’t know if I can trust you, Mr. Jacobson.”

  I detected a hint of humor in her voice.

  “I’m a harmless old fart, but I have a tendency to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Anyway, my wife will be there to chaperone us.”

  “Fine. I’ll bring my friend Gladys Heinz and my niece and nephew who are traveling with me. Why don’t you arrange for a party of six at the Asahi Restaurant at seven P.M. tonight?”

  “Okay. We’ll see you there.”

  After we hung up, I called to make a reservation for us to eat raw fish. It would be a small price to pay for harmony among the passengers.

  I felt like one of those hamsters running around in a little metal wheel: Curly the murdered street person, Inese, Julian Armour, the bear, Mrs. Hargrave. I sighed. I wanted out of the rat race, and things kept being thrown at me. I should be curled up with a pair of binoculars, watching the whales frolic. Instead, I had to deal with all these accusations. Well, I needed to start resolving these issues one at a time. First, I’d make amends to Mrs. Hargrave tonight. That would be a start. Then I had to keep my butt out of any more trouble. I’d have to stay diligent and not step in any more of the brown stuff.

  At seven we arrived at the Japanese restaurant, and I recognized the portly woman in her sixties I’d seen shaking her fist at me from the salmon vat. She walked with a cane and came up to us. Accompanying her were a man and woman in their thirties who were introduced to us as Gina and Gary, and a skinny, middle-aged woman with a pug nose who indicated she was Gladys Heinz. Gina had a pleasant smile and the enthusiasm of an ageless, slender cheerleader while Gary had the sullen look of someone who would have preferred to be off with his friends bar hopping.

  We were led to a round table, and Gary raced over and hel
d out a chair. He forced a smile. “For you, Aunt Ellen.”

  “Why thank you, Gary.”

  Gary didn’t bother to hold chairs for anyone else but plunked down next to his aunt and resumed his dour gaze.

  Ellen Hargrave launched into background data. “Gina and Gary are my primary heirs and kindly agreed to join me on this cruise.” She smiled at them.

  Gina returned the smile, and Gary wrinkled his nose.

  “Not too excited about tailing along with your aunt, Gary?” I said.

  He flinched and gave me a pointed stare. “I have a lot going on at work.”

  Aunt Ellen patted him on the arm. “The stock market can survive a week without you, Gary. You’re helping your old aunt.”

  “Right.” He gritted his teeth, picked up his aunt’s napkin, shook it out and handed it back to her.

  “And Gladys is my oldest friend. We grew up together in Baltimore.”

  We ordered a menagerie of sea creatures, some raw and some stuffed in rice and seaweed. I made sure to also request a tall non-alcoholic tropical drink.

  “Have you spotted any whales on this trip?” I asked.

  “Oh, yes,” Ellen Hargrave replied. “We’ve seen a dozen or so.”

  “I keep looking and haven’t seen a single one yet.”

  “Both mornings I’ve looked out from my balcony and seen them breaching,” Gladys said.

  “What side of the ship are you on?” I asked.

  “The right side.”

  “That must be it.” I turned to Marion. “We’re on the whale-less side.”

  Large platters of sashimi and sushi arrived and we all dug in.

  “How did you select this particular cruise?” Marion asked.

  Ellen finished a bite of squid and leaned toward Marion. “I’ll let you in on a little secret. I’ve had a detective tracing my family, and I discovered one long-lost relative who may be working on this ship.”

  I noticed Gary scowling.

  “One more heir?” I asked.

  “Possibly. My husband Matt, may he rest in peace, left me very well off. Unfortunately, we didn’t have any children. My younger brother also died. He was Gary and Gina’s father. But there might be one other niece. I had another younger brother who disappeared in Europe during the sixties. He was reported to have this one daughter. She apparently changed her name, and we think she may be working on this ship.”

  “Any luck in finding her yet?” I asked.

  Ellen bit her lip. “The ship security officer, Mr. Grudion, hasn’t been very cooperative.”

  “What a surprise. And to me he’s been the sweetest guy. I’ll have to use my influence with him.”

  “Could you?” she asked, her eyes wide.

  “I’ll try. But he doesn’t think much of me, although we seem to meet regularly.”

  I could feel that Gary was anxious to escape, but Ellen insisted on dessert, so we all placed orders. When the sweets arrived, Ellen’s palaver slowed, and I noticed her head lolling to the side. Then her face went plop into her dish of ice cream.

  I grabbed the waiter’s sleeve. “Call your emergency number. Something’s happened to Mrs. Hargrave.”

  Gary snarled at me, “What did you do to her this time?”

  Chapter 11

  Gina, Gary and Gladys accompanied the two attendants who carted Ellen Hargrave to the medical center. Marion and I sat in our chairs in stunned silence. We could hear people at tables around us speculating on what had happened—“heart attack,” “stroke,” “what a place to have this happen,” “I hope it wasn’t the food,” and “I’ve lost my appetite.”

  I’d lost my appetite as well, but I was stuffed to the gills, so to speak. I charged the meal to my key card and, after signing, we returned to our cabin.

  “Something’s fishy here,” I said to Marion. “I just know that Grudion is going to make a big deal of this and accuse me of something. Particularly with that young twerp Gary making snide comments.”

  “Gina and Gladys seem nice, but Gary is an odd duck,” Marion replied.

  “I’ll say. I don’t trust that bastard one iota.”

  Marion regarded me thoughtfully. “Why don’t you take the initiative? Call Grudion and proactively discuss this rather than waiting for him to come to you.”

  I shrugged. “It couldn’t hurt.” I picked up the phone, asked for security and requested to be put in touch with Norbert Grudion.

  “He’s not available at the moment,” I was informed by a clipped male voice.

  “Have him contact me and preferably come to my cabin as soon as possible.”

  We bundled up in jackets and sat out on our balcony. The ship had just left the Juneau dock and we watched in the light of the Alaskan evening as we sailed down the Bastineau Channel.

  “Beautiful view,” I said. “Too bad they don’t have more whales up here.”

  Marion swatted me with the brochure she was reading. “There are whales all over the place. You’re just not paying attention.”

  “I’ve been looking like mad. They’re all avoiding me.”

  After continuing unsuccessfully to spot a whale, my period of relaxation was disturbed by a knock on the door. I opened it to find Grudion in his red-haired splendor standing there.

  “You wanted to speak to me, Mr. Jacobson?”

  “Yes, indeed. Come on in to our humble abode.” I waved him inside. “Mrs. Hargrave passed out, and I want to talk to you regarding our dinner with her.”

  “Did you do something to her? Her nephew gave me an earful.”

  “And I want to talk to you about him. He seemed more interested in blaming me than showing concern for his aunt.”

  Grudion stared at me. “You didn’t answer my question.”

  I sighed. “Mr. Grudion, my wife and I had a pleasant dinner with Mrs. Hargrave and her friend, nephew and niece. Then all of a sudden she didn’t look well and keeled over onto the table. What does your medical crew have to say about her condition?”

  “They’re tending to her now. Did you put anything in her food?”

  “Absolutely not. She seemed fine until dessert was served. The whole purpose of the dinner was to make amends for the previous accidents. I want to improve relations, not hinder them.”

  “Yah, we’ll see what the doctor says.”

  “And I have a question for you, Mr. Grudion. Mrs. Hargrave said she was trying to find a long-lost niece who she suspected was on the crew of this ship.” I wagged a finger at him. “She indicated you weren’t very cooperative.”

  “We maintain strict privacy for our personnel.”

  “Come on, Mr. Grudion. If someone was looking for a relative, I’m sure you could be more accommodating.”

  “It’s not anything that I’m going to discuss with you, Mr. Jacobson.”

  “Fine. When Mrs. Hargrave recovers, you can cover it with her.”

  “Not likely.”

  The guy was starting to tick me off. “Why the hell not? What’s the matter with you security guys? You think everyone is plotting against you?”

  “You have no understanding of the matter, so just stay out of it.”

  With that he turned and left the room.

  Marion, who had been listening, came up to me. “Something strange is going on here.”

  “You’ve pegged that right. Mrs. Hargrave loses consciousness, and now Grudion acts like it’s a terrorist plot and clamps his lips.”

  “Well, I hope Mrs. Hargrave is going to recover.”

  “I do too. Once we got past the two accidents, we were hitting it off fine. I hope she’s up and around right away. Besides, I don’t like the accusations from her nephew. And there’s the strange way Grudion is acting.” I thought for a moment. “I wonder if my buddy Andrew Black can poke at this a little.”

  “It’s worth a try.”

  I picked up the phone and asked to be connected to his cabin. No answer. I left a message for him to call me.

  “They’re probably at the evening sho
w. Speaking of which, would you like to go see a comedy routine?”

  “Sure. I could use a few laughs.”

  We headed to the auditorium and joined the mob of cruising fanatics. We squeezed into two seats next to a rowdy group of revelers who were gulping down tall tropical drinks. It helped me remember why I wanted to stay sober.

  The comedian dashed onto the stage with a microphone in his hand. “Welcome to the waters of Alaska. I hope you’re having a whale of a cruise.”

  “Don’t remind me about whales,” I muttered.

  “Up here this time of year it stays light until eleven o’clock. That’s so people can find their way back to their cabins after a few too many drinks. And when the stars finally come out in the wee hours of the morning, you know what they call the older people who stay up to watch? Star geezers.”

  I leaned over toward Marion. “I’ll have to write that one down in my journal. Since I won’t remember it, I can chuckle every time I read it.”

  The comedian continued with a good routine making fun of people on a cruise ship including the captain, social director, tipsy passengers and himself. My rowdy companions laughed loudest during the reference to drunken passengers. They obviously felt it referred to some other people.

  As we filed out afterwards, Marion pointed out Andrew and Helen Black.

  “Would you join us for a nightcap?” I shouted. “I have something to discuss with Andrew.”

  We adjourned to one of the bars that had soft background music rather than karaoke that would have driven me nuts.

  I ordered a tropical drink without the booze to keep my wits about me.

  “What’s on your mind, Paul?” Andrew asked.

  “My predicament keeps getting more precarious. Tonight at dinner our tablemate Mrs. Ellen Hargrave did a nosedive right into her ice cream dish and was taken to the infirmary. Her nephew accused me of doing something to her. In addition, she said she is looking for a long-lost niece who she suspects is a member of the crew of our ship. I spoke with Grudion and he was not just uncooperative but hostile.”

  “Yes,” Marion said. “Mr. Grudion acted very strange and wouldn’t share any information with us.”

  Andrew smacked his lips. “Norbert Grudion is a very intense security officer, but he’s one of the best in the fleet. Something unusual must be going on because he is usually more politic about problems concerning passengers.”