Mike Befeler Paul Jacobson Geezer-lit Mystery Series E-Book Box Set: Retirement Homes Are Murder, Living with Your Kids Is Murder, Senior Moments Are Murder, Cruising in Your Eighties Is Murder

by Mike Befeler

  “Sure a lot of cold water out there,” I said. “It pleases me that we’re bundled up in here.”

  “Think of the Inuit in their kayaks paddling through icy waters.”

  “No thanks. I don’t even like warm oceans. I couldn’t imagine being close to cold water.”

  I almost dozed off, but caught myself in time. When my stomach rumbled, I decided it needed to be filled with something from the ample food store on the ship.

  “I haven’t eaten in at least an hour. You up for a snack?”

  “There’s an ice cream stand on deck twelve. Grab a bite, and I’ll meet you back in our cabin.”

  After changing, I followed Marion’s directions and found a window where a cheerless young woman was dispensing peach, chocolate and peppermint ice cream cones.

  I ordered chocolate. After the first lick, it started dripping.

  “May I have a napkin?”

  “I’m sorry. We can’t use paper napkins while we’re in Glacier Bay National Park.”

  “Are you kidding me?”

  “Sir, those are the rules.”

  “So your customers have to suffer with dripping chins because there’s a ban here on paper napkins?”

  “That’s right.”

  I was pretty heated now. “One of these damn nonexistent whales that I haven’t seen might choke on a flimsy napkin?”

  “Don’t be difficult, sir. There are other people waiting.”

  I turned around and saw a group of fidgety teens chewing gum and standing on one foot and then the other like they needed to find a restroom.

  I shook my head. “Pissant rules.” Then I stomped away, wiping my mouth with the back of my left hand. I hadn’t taken more than half a dozen steps before I felt a tap on my shoulder.

  “Harassing our employees again?”

  Grudion stood there, his bright red hair flapping in the breeze.

  “You have some mighty peculiar rules on this ship.”

  “Questioning the wisdom of the Unites States National Park Service?”

  “I’ll question any dumb rules irrespective of who issues or enforces them.”

  “Mr. Jacobson, you’re a regular vigilante.”

  “Yeah, I’m right up there with Jesse James, Zorro and the Lone Ranger. Are you following me, Mr. Grudion?”

  A thin smile appeared. “Yah, I’m keeping an eye on the one-man crime wave on this ship. I can’t have you causing any more problems.”

  “Fine. You keep watching me. You’ll see I’m a fine upstanding citizen.”

  “Who has a temper and takes it out on other people. How violent are you, Mr. Jacobson?”

  “I’ve been known to tear junk mail into shreds, kick cans I find lying on the sidewalk and even make faces at people I don’t like.” I gave him the Jacobson glare.

  “Do you get angry enough to lodge a hot stone in a massage therapist’s throat, kill a homeless man, push Mrs. Hargrave over the side and try to drown a man in the Jacuzzi?”

  “I plead guilty to verbal running-off-at-the-mouth but that’s all. Mr. Grudion, I do get pissed off at times and may open my yap when I shouldn’t, but I’ve done nothing to injure anyone. You need to keep looking for Inese’s murderer and to find out what happened to Mrs. Hargrave. I think the two are linked, and a good investigator like you should be able to discover what’s happening. I’d start with Mrs. Hargrave’s nephew and niece. If you insist on following me around, it’s your choice, but you’re barking up the wrong spruce tree.”

  He stared at me like he was trying to decode a strange language printed on my forehead. Then he pointed an index finger at me. “No more trouble from you for the rest of the cruise. We’ll settle all this when we dock in Seattle.”

  “I can hardly wait.”

  “Yah, and I’ll continue to keep my eye on you.”

  I shrugged. “I can’t stop you wasting your time, but you must have more productive things to do than watch my backside.”

  I turned and headed back to my cabin. As I walked through the corridor, I had the distinct impression that he was following me. He’d have to see with his own two eyes that I was a harmless old fart. Other than that, I didn’t know what else I could do to change Grudion’s opinion of me.

  Marion had already returned to the stateroom. “What happened to you?” she asked. “Did you get lost?”

  “No. I had a little close encounter of the third kind with the napkin police and then a chat with my good buddy Grudion.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “I think there’s a story here.”

  I explained my latest adventures.

  “You certainly have a way of discovering interesting anomalies.”

  “That’s me. Grudion thinks I argue with everyone and cause all the problems on the ship.” I looked at Marion. “Do I have that terrible a temper?”

  She patted my arm. “Let’s just say you don’t hold back your feelings when something you don’t like happens.”

  “Hell. I can’t be that bad.”

  “See. Your natural reaction is an expletive.”

  “I’ll be damned.”

  “Maybe I should put some duct tape over your mouth to keep you out of trouble.”

  “Nah. I’d probably kick a wall instead. I suppose that’s why I’ve lived so long. I get pissed off and express myself rather than holding it in and developing an ulcer or having a heart attack.”

  “And I’m grateful for that.”

  “Me too. But I need to watch myself so my yap doesn’t cause me more trouble with Grudion. I’m still convinced that something is going on with Gary and Gina. I just haven’t been able to convince Grudion to start looking at them.”

  “Maybe Andrew will discover something.”

  “I hope so. I’ll give him a call.”

  I picked up the phone and asked to be connected to the Black residence, but no one answered, so I left a message for Andrew to call me.

  “What’s on our social agenda now?” I asked.

  “I’d like to go to a naturalist talk that’s scheduled in twenty minutes.”

  “Lead on.”

  We joined a hundred or so other folks in the auditorium and learned that Glacier Bay became a national park and preserve on December 2, 1980. We were informed that five species of Pacific salmon swam under our keel, that king, Tanner and Dungenes crabs crawled the sea floor and that the elusive whales were easy to spot. Yeah, right.

  I raised my hand. “What’s the species of bird that chirps in the spa?”

  The speaker gave me a dirty look. “That music features the Brazilian parakeet.”

  Marion gave me a much-deserved elbow.

  Upon returning to our cabin, the light on the phone was flashing. I retrieved a message from Andrew and gave him a call.

  “Any good news for me?” I asked.

  “Not particularly. Grudion is convinced you pushed Mrs. Hargrave over her balcony. He just doesn’t have any confirming proof.”

  “And there’s no reason he would since I didn’t do it.”

  “But I’m afraid the only thing that will turn Grudion around is finding who actually committed the crime.”

  “Possibly the same person who killed Inese. I think the two incidents are linked.”

  “Could be, but there are no definite suspects besides you.”

  I thought over what I had read in my journal. “Several possibilities. With Inese it could be the sort-of boyfriend Erik or the team of Gary and Gina, avoiding sharing their inheritance. With Ellen Hargrave the most likely are Gary and Gina who both benefit from her demise. Have you located any new poop about those two?”

  “Actually one thing. Gary has a prior assault charge. There was a plea deal and he walked away with probation.”

  “Interesting. Maybe he has a bad temper like me. Anything on Gina?”

  “No. She’s clean.”

  “You should also know that Grudion is following me.”

  “Not surprising. He’s convinced you’re a villain, and he doesn’t
want any more deaths or disappearances on this cruise.”

  “But how’s he going to find the real killer or killers when he’s wasting time with me?”

  “That’s a problem.”

  “I have to figure out a way to redirect him toward the right target.”

  “Good luck.”

  After hanging up, I contemplated my predicament. I felt like a bug under a microscope. But rather than feeling sorry for myself, I had to do something. If Grudion was on my fanny, I’d have to lead him to the real culprits. If I could shake up the hornets’ nest, he’d see the stingers.

  With an hour before our next feeding frenzy, I decided to try a few things on my own. Marion wanted to rest so I left the cabin and headed to the main dining room.

  There was no one at the reception desk so I stepped inside the room and scanned the group of white-clad men and women scurrying around setting up for dinner. One waiter came up to me. “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re not open yet.”

  “I know. I’m looking for Erik. Any idea where his station is?”

  He pointed to the far corner. “Over there by the coffee machine.”

  I ambled over and spotted a man smoothing out a tablecloth and adding salt and pepper shakers along with a container of packaged sugars.

  “Erik, may I have a moment of your time?”

  He looked up and then scowled. “You again.”

  “Hey, is that any way to address one of your favorite customers? I’ve been wondering about Inese. Did she ever mention a Mrs. Ellen Hargrave from the United States to you?”

  “No. Why would she?”

  “Mrs. Hargrave might have been a long-lost aunt.”

  “I doubt that.”

  Chapter 15

  I stared at Erik. “Why are you so certain that Inese couldn’t be Mrs. Hargrave’s relative?”

  His eyes darted from side to side. “She . . . uh . . . knew who her family was.”

  “Okay, Erik. Give me the straight scoop. You know something here.”

  He looked over his shoulder like Grudion had been following him instead of me. Then in a hushed tone he said, “Inese comes from a very close family. She has no relatives in America.”

  “Maybe there are some you’re not aware of.”

  “No. The family is all in Latvia. Now leave me alone. I have a job to do.”

  As I walked away, I pondered the conversation. Something strange was going on here. Erik knew a lot more than he was letting on. Still, his adamant statement regarding Inese’s background seemed to support that she wasn’t Ellen Hargrave’s long-lost niece. So that meant someone else on the ship was. It also raised questions concerning the link between Inese’s murder and Mrs. Hargrave’s disappearance. Two random killings? Seemed odd during one cruise. My tummy didn’t think these were unrelated. There had to be a connection. My addled brain just hadn’t put the pieces together yet.

  My next stop was Gary and Gina’s cabin. I had written Ellen Hargrave’s stateroom number in my journal, and Ellen had indicated that her niece and nephew shared a room to the side of hers. So I had two choices. After an eeny, meeny, miny, moe, I selected the one to the left. Even though it had a “Do Not Disturb” sign, I knocked.

  A woman answered the door, looked startled and slammed the door in my face. I heard some sounds, and then she reappeared and swiftly stepped outside.

  “Mr. Jacobson. What are you doing here?”

  “You seem to know me, but because of my short-term memory loss I don’t recognize you. I’m looking for Gina and Gary Hargrave.”

  She continued to protect the door. “I’m Gladys Heinz, Ellen Hargrave’s friend. We met at dinner the night before last.”

  “I’m concerned about what happened to Ellen and need to speak with Gary and Gina.”

  “We all are concerned about Ellen. Gary and Gina’s room is two doors down.” She pointed past Ellen’s room and quickly disappeared back into her room.

  Strange woman, but, hey, this ship seemed to be full of strange people and even stranger goings-on.

  I knocked on the door to the other side of Ellen Hargrave’s room. This time a young woman answered.

  “Gina, may I speak with you for a moment?”

  She looked wildly around. “This isn’t a good time.”

  “Is Gary in?”

  “No. He’ll be back shortly.”

  “I can wait.”

  “No.” She didn’t invite me in, but she didn’t slam the door in my face either.

  I decided to take my best shot. “Did you ever meet a massage therapist on this ship named Inese?”

  “I . . . well . . . no.”

  “She was from Latvia and your aunt was seeking a niece from Latvia.”

  Gina stared at me with large round eyes and her mouth opened, like someone suffocating and gasping for air. She couldn’t or wouldn’t speak.

  “Any chance Gary might have tracked her down?”

  Sparks flashed in her eyes. “No. Gary wouldn’t have spent any time with her.”

  Something wasn’t right here. “Maybe Gary suspected Inese was the long-lost niece and he did something to protect your inheritance.”

  “No.” Then the door slammed in my face.

  Okay. Erik, Gladys and Gina were all acting weird. I was getting closer, but the pieces weren’t all there yet. I had stirred things up a little. I’d have to see what would pop out.

  I shouted down the corridor. “Grudion, if you’re here, check out Gina, Gary, Gladys and Erik. There’s something suspicious going on.”

  No answer.

  I knew Grudion or one of his minions was out there.

  With my mission accomplished, I decided to take a short stroll on the promenade deck. I felt like a bug on a pin with one of those scientists examining it. If only I could convince Grudion to do something more constructive than tailing me.

  In the meantime I had to figure this all out. Behind door one was Erik the antagonistic waiter. Behind door two was the Gary and Gina show. Erik and Gary were both squirrelly enough, but had either of them committed crimes? And Gina seemed nice, but was she really a money-grubbing heiress behind the veneer?

  I’d keep after it and see what clues I could collect. But first I needed to return to home base to prepare for the next feast.

  * * * * *

  After Marion and I had duly stuffed our faces, we proceeded to a musical show, the evening’s entertainment. As a group of only slightly post-pubescent wenches paraded across the stage to the sound of Rogers and Hammerstein music while trying to wash that guy right out of their hair, I could only think of Grudion, Erik, Gladys, Gary and Gina standing in front of a police line-up. It would be healthy for Grudion to see how it felt from the other side.

  The song and dance troupe put on a fine performance, and as we exited, Marion hugged my arm, obviously having enjoyed the show as well.

  We hadn’t proceeded more than fifty feet along the corridor when suddenly a young man planted himself right in front of me.

  “What were you doing harassing my sister this afternoon?”

  Uh-oh. I squinted at the face I didn’t recognize but decided it had to be Gary. “Just asking a few polite questions.”

  He wagged an index finger at me. “Don’t bother my sister. If you want to accost someone, see me.”

  “You weren’t there. But, okay, since you’re here now, did you stuff a hot stone down Inese’s throat and push your aunt off a balcony?”

  He started spluttering. “No . . . no . . . of course not.”

  Now I pointed a finger at him. “I think you found out Inese was from Latvia and decided she must be the long-lost niece your aunt was searching for. You eliminated her and then decided to speed up your inheritance by the disappearance of your aunt.”

  Gary opened his mouth and then thought better of what he was going to say. He paused for a moment, then said, “Stay away from my sister.” He turned and merged with the receding crowd.

  “That was an interesting response,” Marion s
aid.

  “Yeah. I apparently hit a nerve. So now I have a complete set. Grudion, Erik the waiter, Gina, Gary and Julian Armour are all pissed off at me. Are you still on my side?”

  I received a peck on the cheek. “For the duration.”

  “Well, stay tuned. All of my nosing around should lead to something soon.”

  “Just be careful.”

  We retired to our cabin, found no lurking intruders, consumed our pillow chocolates and then I sat down to document the life and times of Paul Jacobson, inadvertent criminal suspect.

  * * * * *

  I awoke to sunlight streaming through the opening between two curtains and was informed by a young chick in her seventies lying next to me that I was on a honeymoon cruise and that my aging body now resided in the port of Ketchikan. When the shock didn’t stop my old ticker, I lay in bed and read a manuscript on the nightstand, learning that I had been very busy stirring up trouble lately.

  I staggered out of bed and parted the curtains to look out at a small town nestled against a hillside. Amid evergreen trees, Victorian houses peppered the landscape and sent plumes of smoke up brick chimneys.

  “Looks like a cozy place,” I said.

  “Probably pretty cold in winter.”

  “I wonder when we arrived here.”

  “The ship newsletter from last night indicated that we docked at six A.M.”

  I twisted my arm to check the wristwatch that had slept with me and my bride. Seven-thirty. “I guess we missed all the docking excitement. What’s on the agenda today?”

  “After we eat, we can disembark. Our tour starts at ten.”

  “And what are we touring?”

  “First a rain forest and then a boat ride. You wanted to see some whales.”

  “Darn right. And from what I’ve read, the whales have been hiding from me the whole cruise.”

  “Well, this is your big day. I’m sure we’ll spot them when we’re out in the smaller boat.”

  “Is that a promise?”

  “There’s no sure thing, but everyone I’ve ever talked to who has been on a whale-watching boat this time of year in Alaska has seen whales. Now before all of that, you should give Jennifer a call.”