Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  “Hey, Jill. Sorry I didn’t call earlier. It’s been a busy day. What’s going on? Marissa said you were looking for me and mom called me asking if I knew what was going on with you.”

  I hear her sniffling and I feel bad for her. Jill isn’t a crier. “Sorry to bother you, Lex. I just don’t have anyone else to talk to about this.”

  “You’re not bothering me, Jill. What’s wrong?”

  For the next hour I listen, between sobs, to Jill tell me she just found out a few days ago her husband, Derek, has been having an affair with an old high school girlfriend for two months. Apparently Jill found sexually explicit text messages on his phone and he admitted to the affair when she confronted him. She also tells me they’ve been trying to get pregnant for about a year and they found out a few months ago that Derek was reproductively challenged. She explains how badly he took the news and that he hasn’t been open to talking about fertility treatments or adoption.

  My heart breaks for her as I listen to what she’s been going through. I know this is a big deal for her to share this with me and I know why she feels she can talk to me. My life has been full of drama and after Brady died, I was unable to hide it from my family. I’m the Reed with the issues. I remember how supportive Jill was after Brady died and I instantly feel remorseful that I didn’t use that event as a means of becoming closer to my sister. She reached out to me then and after the initial month or so, I retreated and didn’t feel the need to share with my family anymore. I regret that now as I listen to her sob. She obviously needs the same support she offered me.

  “I’m no therapist, Jill, but maybe the affair is a result of Derek not feeling like a man because of the whole infertility thing. You guys seemed happy and I know he loves you.”

  “Does it really matter? I don’t care why he did it. He did it, and he can’t undo it. I’m not sure I can stay married to him.”

  “And how does he feel about the whole thing. Is he still seeing her?”

  As Jill recounts the story of when she confronted him and how Derek swore he ended the affair and how he’d do anything to work it out, Julian comes into the room. He sees I’m on the phone and points to the door asking if he should leave. I shake my head no. It’s his room after all. He heads to the bathroom and I hear the water in the sink turn on. After a few minutes he comes back out and gets into bed next to me. He lies on his side and stares at me as I finish my conversation.

  “Jill, I know you’re hurt but you guys have been together for a long time and I know you love him. Give it some time before you make any rash decisions.”

  As I say the words, the irony isn’t lost on me. I’m not sure I’d feel any different than she does but I say it because they do have a long history together and I truly believe they really love each other.

  I tell her I love her and that I’m here to listen whenever she needs me. She tells me she’s going to take a few days off work and come home for my birthday next week. I’m glad to hear it and make sure she knows I’ll make time for her. As we’re about to hang up she has a request.

  “Lex, please don’t say anything to Mom, Dad, or Tracy. You know how they are. Mom will freak out about the baby thing and Tracy will lecture me on how I need to take better care of my husband. I don’t want to hear it.”

  I can’t help but laugh a little. “I won’t say a word, Jill. And you came to the right Reed. I’m a pro at dealing with imperfection and drama. My life is full of it.”

  Jill chuckles softly and I feel a little better she’s getting off of the phone with a smile instead of tears. We say our goodbyes and when I hang up, I turn to Julian. After a moment he starts talking. “Do you want to talk about it?” I appreciate that he asks and doesn’t assume I want to share. He knows me well.

  I lie down next to him and tell him what Jill just told me. He listens and doesn’t offer any opinions. I appreciate that too. He doesn’t know the players in this game and it’s hard to pass judgment on something you don’t know anything about.

  “So you have nothing to say about any of this?” I’ve been talking for twenty minutes and he hasn’t said a word. I figure he will offer an opinion about the cheating now that I’ve asked, but he doesn’t. His question surprises me and of course, makes me uncomfortable.

  “How do you feel about having kids? Would you adopt if you couldn’t have a baby on your own?” He’s staring intently at me and it’s a little unnerving.

  “How do I feel about kids, as in, do I want them?” My body is a little tense.

  “Yes.”

  “Yes, I want kids, someday. Not anytime soon though. And I’m not sure how I feel about adopting. I haven’t ever really thought about it. I’d like to think I’m the type of person who could raise a child who isn’t biologically mine, but I really don’t know how I’d feel if I wasn’t able to get pregnant.”

  “Good to know.”

  “Good to know? Which part is good to know?”

  “That you want to have kids someday.” He takes a deep breath and I know he’s about to say something deep. Something he knows might freak me out.

  “I know this might freak you out, but I want a future with you, and in that future I see kids, someday.”

  “I’m only a little freaked out. You know I have a hard time keeping my present all together. Talking about the distant future overwhelms me a little.”

  “I know it does, baby. So we don’t have to talk about it anymore. I just wanted to know if we were on the same page and I think we are.”

  I smile; I don’t want to delve into this subject anymore tonight.

  I roll over and look at the clock and see it’s already past eleven. I’m tired and all of this baby talk has kind of made me not want to do anything that could make that a reality. I stay facing away from Julian and snuggle up to him so we’re spooning. He seems to have no problem with us finishing the day without having sex. He wraps his arms around me and places his hand, with his fingers splayed, on the center of my belly. Hmm. He does this all the time but for some reason it feels like it’s a deliberate move, as if he’s imagining a baby being in there. I grasp his hand, thread my fingers through his, and move his hand to my hip. He lets out a hushed sigh I barely catch.

  Geez. A baby … come on? He can’t really be thinking about us having a baby can he? He does his mind-reader thing and answers the question I didn’t verbalize.

  “We’d have beautiful babies.”

  I squeeze his hand and try to stop the conversation right here. “Yes we would, Julian. Goodnight.”

  He sighs again. “Goodnight, Lexie. Sweet dreams.”

  Chapter Five

  When I open my eyes, I see Julian leaning over me. He’s shaking me gently. It takes me a minute to figure out where I am. I usually come out of these dreams panicked, but right now I feel oddly calm.

  “Lexie, you’re having a nightmare. Wake up, baby. I’m here.”

  I shake the cobwebs off and focus on Julian. “I’m okay. I don’t think I was having a nightmare.”

  “You were tossing and turning and talking.”

  Great. What was I saying now? I open my eyes wider and look at him. “I really don’t remember anything. What was I saying?”

  “You kept repeating you were sorry and that if you would’ve known, things would’ve been different. You kept saying you didn’t know, you didn’t know.”

  Yeah, I didn’t know these damn dreams, or nightmares, would never freaking end.

  “Julian, I really have no idea what I was dreaming about. I usually do but this time I’m blank. I don’t even feel like I was dreaming which isn’t normal either. I’m sorry I woke you up. Do you want me to go sleep somewhere else?” I know he’s going to say no to that, but it’s a serious offer. I feel bad I keep waking him up.

  He lies down and pulls me closer. He doesn’t address my offer or my denial that I know what I was dreaming about, but I can hear in his voice that he doesn’t really believe me. All he says is, “Let’s go back to sleep.”


  I whisper, “Okay.” I don’t want to get into a discussion about this at three in the morning either but I have a feeling we’ll be talking about this later.

  Julian doesn’t say a word about my dream/nightmare last night so I don’t bring it up. He’s acting normal but I sense he isn’t saying something he wants to. I wonder if I said more than he told me. We both get ready for work in what already feels like a normal routine. When I get my stuff together to bring home with me, he seems annoyed and looks at my overnight bag with disdain.

  “What’s wrong? And don’t say nothing. It’s obvious you aren’t saying something you want to.”

  “Nothing is wrong, Alexa.”

  “Then why are you calling me, Alexa?”

  He smirks and answers a little sarcastically. “Because that’s your name.”

  “Uh huh. I know that. I also know you only call me that when something is wrong. Did you know that?”

  He shakes his head. “I’m not sure that’s true, but nothing is wrong. I have a busy couple of days ahead of me. I’m tired and I have to go back to Naples tomorrow or Friday.”

  Um, okay. Nice to know. “Why didn’t you tell me you were going out of town?”

  “Because last time I went out of town you tried to break-up with me.”

  I shrug. “Fair enough, but that’s not going to happen this time. Julian, don’t let my crap get in the way of your work. I don’t need that pressure too.” I put my things into my bag.

  “Pressure? What pressure are you feeling today, Lexie?”

  “You’re tired, which is my fault, and obviously something is bothering you. I’m sure it has to do with me having a nightmare. I cause all kinds of drama in your personal life and I don’t want to cause it in your professional life as well.”

  “Lexie, you’re not causing any problems in my professional life. I’m sorry I made you think that.” Once he starts talking all his thoughts come out in a rush. “I’m not looking forward to this trip. It’s me and my dad again, and I’m never sure what I’m going to get. We’re getting closer to signing these deals and it’s stressing me out. I was able to keep myself out of major Bywater business while I was doing all of the renovations on the hotel, but now I’m being sucked back in. If I don’t get involved it all ends up on Danny’s shoulders. He’s not ready to make all these decisions and he doesn’t deal with my dad the way I do. I am tired because, yes, I haven’t slept great lately. That’s not all your fault either. I’ve been trying to juggle a lot of balls and it’s keeping me up at night.” He takes a deep breath and continues. “I want you here with me. It makes me sleep better, which, if I’m being honest, is why I’m not in a great mood this morning. You’re going home tonight and I’ll be out of town for a few days.”

  I drop my bag on the ground and give him a hug. “It’s really not possible to be all things to everyone. You really aren’t responsible for making the world run.” I laugh a little. “I have no doubt you could, but it’s a big burden.”

  “Trust me, Corazón, I wish I could just say fuck it to a lot of things, but I can’t. I have a lot of people counting on me.”

  I kiss him softly. “I just hate to see you so tense. You know you can talk to me about this stuff, right? I know it might not seem like it, but I’m a pretty good listener.”

  He kisses me back a little deeper. “I know and I will. But right now, we need to go.”

  I squeeze him again, pick up my bag, and try not to be offended that he really doesn’t share his “business” with me. He’s very open about how he feels about me, but not so much when it comes to the rest of his life.

  Julian drops me off in front of the building, gives me a kiss, and tells me he’ll be back to pick me up at five-thirty to take me to my appointment. When he sees the frown on my face he asks if the time doesn’t work.

  “The time is fine. I told you the other day though, I feel bad you’re driving me all over the place. If we leave then, you will have to wait for me. It’s lame.”

  Julian shakes his head at my choice of words. “It’s not lame and we could solve all of this if we didn’t go back and forth.”

  I get his implication. He really thinks I should move in. He’s crazy.

  I take a deep breath and tilt my head to the side. “Julian, really? You think we’re anywhere near a place where we should be talking about living together?”

  He starts to open his mouth and I cut him off. “On second thought, don’t answer that. We’ll only get into an argument and I have to be in a good mood to deal with Serena.” I lean in to kiss him again and he holds me to him.

  “Yes.” As in yes, he thinks we should be talking about this? I pull away and open the car door before he says more. “See you later, handsome.”

  I hear him chuckle and mutter under his breath. “Va a pasar, Lexie.” It’s going to happen.

  Work is fine. I can’t wait until we officially open in a little over two weeks. I’m bored here and because there isn’t much to do, I’m constantly in danger of being near Serena. She brings out the worst in me. Thankfully she isn’t in the mood to get into any conversations with me today and stays away.

  I’m surfing the internet, looking at shoes, when Evelyn comes in and drops something on my desk. I pick it up, read it, and see it’s an invitation/announcement for the grand opening of The Promenade in two weeks. It’s on a Friday night and by the looks of the card, it’s a swanky affair. I didn’t know anything about it. I started working at The Towers after the opening and this is the first new property I’ve been at.

  “Thanks Evelyn. I didn’t know this was happening. It looks like a big deal. I’m assuming we all go?”

  “Yes, we all go and it’s a big deal. Over two hundred people are invited.”

  “Who goes?” Evelyn has been with the company for years and I’m sure she has been to other events like this.

  “Real estate people, potential clients, the big spending ones, and other property development people. Your man is invited.”

  “Julian?” I’m surprised by this; he’s the competition.

  “Yes, Julian. Other companies send people. They like to see the competition.” Evelyn walks out of my little office and I read the card again. I’m sure I’ll pretty much be working but it sounds like a good party. I get a little nervous when I think about Julian being there. We don’t mix business with personal so I’m not sure how I feel about him going. I decide not to bring it up and hope this isn’t his thing.

  Around two, I get a call from him.

  “Hey you.”

  “Hey you, what’s up?”

  “How’s your day going?”

  “Okay. Boring. I can’t wait until we open. There really isn’t anything for me to do here.”

  “Enjoy the quiet. In a few weeks you’ll be so busy you won’t have time to breathe. And speaking of the opening, were you planning on inviting me as your date?”

  I should’ve known he’d know about this before me. He knows everything first. “I just got the invite an hour ago. I didn’t know anything about it. You want to go?”

  “I wouldn’t miss it.”

  “I think I have to basically work. I’m not sure it’ll be much fun for you.”

  “Are you trying to convince me not to come, because it kind of sounds like that?”

  “I don’t know, maybe. I just know we haven’t really been out in the business world together, so to speak, and unless you plan on ignoring me there, it might be obvious we’re together.”

  There’s silence on the other end. After a minute I make sure he’s still there. “Hello?”

  “Alexa, am I completely clueless here?”

  Alexa. On purpose. Crap. “What do you mean?”

  “We are together as far as I know. I didn’t know we were hiding it and I’m actually offended you would even think twice about going together. It’s a huge party, we throw them too, and a lot of my business associates will be there. It’s my world too. I got the invite today as well and I was excited at the
thought of going together. As usual, we aren’t on the same page.”

  Shit, he has this all wrong. “Julian, this isn’t about how I feel about going with you. It’s about how you feel. You keep things separate. It’s like work is on one side and I’m on the other. I didn’t want you to have to answer questions about who I am.” Once I start all my insecurities come out in a rush. “It’ll be the topic of conversation. Everyone will want to know who you’re with and why you’re with me. Julian the serial bachelor, he doesn’t do relationships¾blah, blah, blah. I wonder how long he’s been fucking her¾blah, blah, blah.” I can’t stop rambling. “And if you introduced me as your friend or just as a date, it would hurt my feelings and then I’d say or do something stupid and ruin the whole night. And I can’t ruin the night because it’s my job to be in a good mood.” I exhale at the end of the last word. Phew.

  I hear Julian chuckle. “Are you done, mi amor?”

  “I guess.”

  “I don’t know whether to laugh or get mad at you.”

  “Can I choose? Because I choose laugh. Always laugh.”

  That makes him laugh. “Lexie, you’re my girlfriend and I have no problem telling the world that. Actually, I think it’s time the world knows you’re mine. I’d never say you were just my date or just my friend. And as far as anyone talking about you and fucking in the same breath, that’s not happening. Nobody gets to have that visual but me. So, if we’re back on the same page, we can move on to the real reason I called.”

  His answer melts my heart a little. I love that Julian is a little possessive and a little macho when it comes to me. It’s usually very subtle and I’m not sure everyone sees it, but I do, and I love that he wants the world to know I’m his.

  “We’re clear. No need to discuss it anymore. What’s the other reason you called?”

  “I wanted to make sure you were in the office because I wanted to come and drop the keys to my Jeep off. It looks like we’re leaving for Naples today. We’re actually going to fly up; the other investors want to do dinner tonight. I agreed because it means I’ll be back Friday instead of Saturday. We can spend the weekend together.”