Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  What the hell! “Okay, that’s not awkward. How am I supposed to say no now? Thanks.”

  He looks over at me and I know he can tell I’m pissed off. I don’t want to do this. He and I are just getting into a normal, steady rhythm and now he wants to throw his parents into the mix. I really don’t know how to get out of this without causing issues. If his parents think I’m coming, it’ll look horrible if I don’t go.

  “Lexie, we could’ve planned this for weeks and you’d still try to find a way out of it. You’ll be fine. It’s a neutral setting.”

  “Julian Bauer, there’s nothing neutral about meeting a man’s parents. It’s a huge deal. I’m not prepared for it. I’m PMSing. I look fat. There are a million things that could go wrong. Can you tell them I’m sick or got tied up at work? You can sell that, right?”

  “Okay, if this really is something that’s going to cause you to go off the deep-end then I will sell your story that you couldn’t make it. I’m not going to lie though, I’m disappointed. This is important to me. And by the way, you look beautiful like always, not fat.” He ends his little rant with a smile and it makes me rethink my position. I know he’s working me and trying to get me to change my mind.

  I cross my arms over my chest and look at him so he knows I’m not happy with this plan. “Fine, but I want to go home and change first. I already told you this morning I didn’t like how I looked today. Plus, because we’ll be back down here, I’ll end up spending the night and I don’t have anything to wear tomorrow. And don’t say anything about me leaving stuff at your place.” I take a deep breath. “I want to be classified as a hostile participant.”

  Julian chuckles. “Duly noted. Our reservations are at eight so we’re good on time, but you really do look great.”

  We drive the rest of the way in silence. He knows I’m freaking out and upset with him so he stays quiet. I warned him this morning about my mood and at the moment, he’s heeding my words. When I walk into my house Marissa, Shannon, and Jenna are waiting for me. They see Julian behind me and look confused.

  “Julian made dinner reservations for us, with his parents, and business associates. I just found out twenty minutes ago. So, I’m out for dinner.”

  They all look at each other. They know I’m pissed at him. Marissa is the first one to respond. “You’re a brave man.”

  “Please tell her this isn’t a big deal. She won’t listen to me.”

  Jenna shrugs her shoulders and chuckles. “It is a big deal, Julian. You want her to meet your parents with no notice. It takes us women a week to plan that out and get ready. Lexie has thirty minutes.”

  I put my hands on my hips and turn to look at Julian through squinted eyes. “See, I told you. I also told you I didn’t want the pressure today.” I turn and look at my friends, “PMS.”

  They all laugh. “You really are brave, Julian.” Shannon can’t help herself from sharing just how cranky I really am when I get my period. “We all avoid Lexie for a few days when she has PMS. It’s not pretty.”

  “Okay, enough. You bitches aren’t always fun to be around either.” I hear them laugh as I stomp off into my bedroom. It’s true. I need more time to plan this. I want to look perfect. There’s no way that’s going to happen now. Julian follows me into the closet.

  “You could wear a potato sack and look beautiful, you know.”

  “Go away and let me figure this out. You aren’t helping. Actually, go get me glass of wine. That might help.” As he shrugs and walks out the door I stifle a little sob. I really am stressed about this. What if his parents don’t like me? What if they have a problem that I’m not Hispanic? What if they ask personal questions I don’t want to answer? I start tearing my closet apart looking for something when Marissa walks in.

  “You’ll be fine. They’ll love you. Let’s find something to wear.” She knows me so well.

  I turn and look at her and can’t help but smile. She’s holding a glass of red wine. She hands it to me. “Julian is scared to come back in. I said I’d make sure you came out.”

  “Have you always been this calm? You weren’t, right? I was the calm one, wasn’t I?”

  She laughs. “Yep, you used to be the calm one. You saved my ass a million times. I’m happy to be the voice of reason right now. So, what are you thinking of wearing? You look good in what you have on.”

  “I feel like a whale in this dress. I feel bloated and it’s too tight.” Marissa is smart enough not to argue with me, even if she’s sincere that I look good in what I’m wearing.

  “And I don’t know what to wear. DeAngelo’s is nice. Julian is in a Dolce and Gabbana suit and I’m sure they’ll be dressed up. I don’t want to look slutty or cheap or fat.”

  Marissa laughs out loud. “Lex, get a grip. You never look slutty or cheap.” She reaches around me. “Wear this. It looks great on you.” She hands me a black and white sleeveless, floral print dress with shirred panels in the front and back. It has built-in shape wear which is awesome.

  I look at it on the hanger for a moment. I forgot about this dress. “Thank you, Mari. Great idea! It’ll keep my stomach from bulging out.”

  I yank a box down from the top of the closet and pull out a pair of black, leather L.A.M.B classic pumps with a black and white striped pointed toe that matches the shirring in the dress. I quickly change and look in the full length mirror.

  “It looks good. Classy and stylish. It’s you. You may want to touch up your makeup though.”

  A quick look in the mirror shows me what she’s talking about. My eyeliner is smeared from the unshed tears that keep threatening to come out.

  I take a big gulp of wine and walk into the bathroom to freshen up. I redo my makeup, brush my hair, and put some perfume on. I finish my wine and look at my watch. It’s already almost seven and we really need to go seeing as we’re going all the way back to the beach. This is kind of crazy; all the driving back and forth from the beach to my house. I make a decision right then I’m going to take my own car and follow him. He’s going to be upset but I want my car. I know I’ll end up spending the night so I pack clothes for tomorrow to avoid another trip. I don’t pack for Tuesday night so I have a reason to come home.

  When I reappear, Julian is sitting in the living room talking to Jenna and Shannon. Jenna is talking to him about Marco. I think she’s trying to figure out if Marco talked to Julian about their night together. Julian doesn’t seem to have much to say which means nothing. He’s not one to get into other people’s personal business. He stands up when I walk in and looks relieved he can back out of that conversation.

  “You look beautiful, Corazón.” His smile is genuine and warm and I can’t help but smile back. My next words remove his smile.

  “I’m following you and I’ll park at the hotel. I want my car. This is so ridiculous for you to drive back and forth every five minutes.”

  He scowls at me but remembers my friends are all in the room and doesn’t say anything. He just nods his head and grabs my overnight bag. We say goodbye and walk out the door.

  I figured he’d say something when we walked out the door and I’m right. “You really want to follow me? I think that’s ridiculous, that, and the fact you won’t just leave stuff at my place. I wouldn’t have had to make all these trips if you’d just bring stuff over and leave it. You have a ton of clothes and shoes, surely some can stay at my place.”

  “I don’t want to argue about this. I’m going to follow you and park at the hotel. We need to go if we want to be there on time.”

  I get in my car and shut the door while he looks at me. He shakes his head and gets into his car. I follow him down to the beach and park in one of his spots at the hotel. The restaurant is close enough to walk to and Julian takes my hand as we exit the parking garage. “You really look beautiful. I’m proud to be with you.”

  “I feel like I’m about to throw up, but thanks for the kind words.”

  He stops and makes me face him. “Please don’t be nervous. My
parents will love you.”

  “You don’t know that. I told you I didn’t need this pressure today and you piled it on.” I really am starting to feel more anxious as we get nearer the restaurant.

  “I do know it. They’ll love you because I love you.”

  He pulls me in close and hugs me. He doesn’t wait for me to tell him I love him. I haven’t yet, and right now, in this quiet moment, the lack of reciprocity is so visible. I want to tell him I love him because I do. I really do love him. But the words just won’t come out. Once I say those words there will be no going back for me. I hug him back and hope he knows how I feel. When I pull back he’s smiling at me and his eyes are warm. “Just be you, mi amor.”

  We walk the rest of the way hand in hand, but silently. We aren’t in the door two minutes when I see Danny and a woman I assume is Julian’s mom, Marisol. I recognize her from the pictures Julian showed me last week. They spot us too and walk over. Julian’s mom has the same warm smile her boys do and it’s hard not to feel instantly comfortable around her. That she gives me a real hug doesn’t hurt either. This is one affectionate family.

  Julian makes the introductions through a big smile. “Mami, this is Lexie Reed. Lexie, this is my mom, Marisol.”

  She takes my hands in hers. “It’s so nice to finally meet you, Lexie. I’ve been trying to get Julian to bring you over ever since he told me about you, but he seems to want to keep you all to himself.” She looks at Julian and shakes her head a little.

  “It’s nice to meet you too, Mrs. Bauer. Julian has told me so much about you.”

  “Por favor, Lexie, call me Marisol or Mari.”

  I look at Julian and smile. That she shares the same nickname as my BFF is a good sign.

  Danny reaches in and gives me a hug too. He whispers in my ear, “You mad at me?”

  “Why?”

  “Lauren.”

  I look at Julian and then at Danny. “Not my business.” He smiles and nods.

  The hostess is about to show us to our table when four men walk in the restaurant behind us. One glance and I know it’s Julian’s dad, Antonio Bauer. He’s what I imagine Julian will look like in twenty-five years. He’s very handsome, very tall, and a bit imposing. He also seems to be a little drunk. He’s pretty loud and he looks a bit disheveled. I notice it right away and so do Julian and Danny. I watch as the happy expression on Julian’s face disappears. Antonio walks right up to me and grabs my hands and kisses me on the cheek. The kiss lasts longer than it should and I can smell the whiskey on his breath. It makes my stomach roll. My feelings of ease disappear when I look into his eyes.

  “Y tu eres Alexa, the girl Julian can’t stay away from?” He winks at me and then turns to Julian. “Hijo, ya veo porque, esta bella.” He tells Julian he thinks I am beautiful and he says it in a way that makes me uncomfortable. It’s not said in a “fatherly” way.

  “Alexa speaks Spanish, Papi.” It’s Julian’s warning to his dad he needs to watch what he says. His entire demeanor has changed and I’m looking at a different Julian from the one who just introduced me to his mom. I turn to look at his mom and she looks, well, disappointed. So does Danny. The three of them are giving each other looks I can’t decipher, but it’s obvious the mood has changed. I feel bad for them. I know Julian and he never would’ve asked me to join this dinner if he thought his dad would be drunk and acting creepy.

  I keep my composure despite my discomfort and instant dislike for this man. “It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Bauer.”

  He smiles at me, looks me up and down in a way that makes my skin crawl, and doesn’t tell me it’s okay to call him Antonio. I’m so getting the whole dynamic between Julian and his dad and it’s only been a few minutes.

  The other gentlemen introduce themselves as we walk to our table. It seems they’ve had a few drinks as well and I wonder where they were before they showed up here. When we sit down, Julian guides me to a seat next to his mom and Danny on the opposite side of the table from his dad. He’s putting himself as a buffer between his dad and me. This is so awkward.

  The rest of the meal is awkward. I talk with his mom and Danny, and enjoy a fantastic sea bass dish and some nice wine. When Julian is turned to talk to us, he tries to be happy, but he’s faking it. He’s so tense. I can see it in his eyes and his posture. I get dragged into a few conversations about W&M and my job, but Julian tries to keep me separate. I watch as his dad has a few more drinks and gets louder and more effusive with his words. The whole night is ruined because Julian understandably feels the need to control the situation.

  So while one side of the table is a little surreal, the other is so normal. Julian’s mom is lovely and we get along great. She compliments me on my shoes and we spend the next fifteen minutes talking about designers we like. We talk about music, architecture, and travelling and I can tell she’s a very intelligent, passionate, and interesting woman. I see so much of Julian in her and it’s obvious why they’re close. I think about how he told me she shut down when his sister died and I can see why that must’ve been devastating for him. She’s vivacious and outgoing and by the end of the night I feel like I’ve known her for years.

  We wrap up the night around ten and when the other men ask Julian if he wants to grab some after-dinner drinks, he declines, as does Danny. His dad doesn’t and agrees to keep the night going. I watch Julian stifle his response. Antonio walked in drunk and hasn’t stopped. The strangest thing is while Julian is about to blow a gasket, Marisol doesn’t seem affected by it. When she sees me looking back and forth between Julian and Antonio, with a questioning look on my face, she finally says something.

  “Losing a child does un-repairable damage to a parent, Lexie. We all deal with it in our own way. Drinking is his way. The boys, especially Julian, don’t deal with it well. It doesn’t mean anything. He loves us. He just has a lot of pain.”

  I just nod because what the hell else am I supposed to say. I can’t exactly comment that Isabelle died ten years ago and he really should have his shit together by now. I’m also taken aback by her comments. Until that comment I found her to be so strong, so poised and so, I don’t know, together. That comment just changed everything for me. I know a little something about pain and about being an enabler. So much is clearer to me now. No wonder Julian feels the need to keep everything together all of the time. It’s why he needs the control.

  We all walk to the door together, and I for one am ready to leave this place. Marisol hugs me and tells me she hopes to see me again soon. I say goodbye to their business associates and hug Danny. I try to shake Antonio’s hand but he pulls me in for a hug instead. He hugs me tightly and presses my breasts hard against his chest. The pungent smell of whiskey is wafting into my nostrils. I try and pull back and he squeezes harder. It fucking freaks me out and sends me right back to another place and another time. Julian, who’s standing in front of me watching, sees the look in my eyes, puts his hand on his dad’s shoulder, and basically pries him off of me. He quickly says his goodbyes, grabs my shaking hand and walks me out as fast as he can.

  When we’re out of sight, he stops and forces me to look at him. “I’m so sorry. I never, in a million years, thought my dad would behave like that tonight, in front of you, with you. I know he made you very uncomfortable and I’m so sorry, baby.”

  “I know that. I’m okay.” What a liar. I’m so not okay.

  My heart is still beating fast and I take a few deep breaths to calm myself down. I downplay it because it’s his father we’re talking about. Tears threaten to fall and I try to stop them before Julian feels worse. He didn’t do this and I’m not going to blame him. He kisses me softly and pulls me close. His embrace is soothing and I feel safe in his arms. We walk the short distance to the hotel with his arm wrapped around me. He’s quiet and when I ask him if he wants to talk about it he says no. I’m glad because I don’t want to talk about it either.

  We get back to the Bellavista around ten-thirty and get ready for bed. Julian doesn�
��t initiate any sexual contact between us and I’m not surprised. There’s a lot not being said right now and the air around us is thick with questions. An uneasy shadow has been cast on this night and as I snuggle into Julian’s arms and go to sleep, I can’t shake the disquieting feeling in my soul.

  The pressure on my chest is overwhelming and I can’t breathe. It’s dark and I can’t see what it is. I need to pull it off, but I don’t know what “it” is. I try and move my hands and my arms but they’re pinned to my sides by yet another invisible restraint. I hear voices but they seem far away and I don’t recognize them. There’s more than one and they’re blending together to make a humming sound that keeps getting louder and louder. The feeling that I’m in eminent danger spreads through my entire body and no matter how hard I try to move, I can’t. My calls for help start in the back of my throat and no matter how loud I try to scream, all I can hear is my voice as a whisper. I feel desperate and trapped and completely paralyzed by my inability to help myself. I grow tired because I’m struggling to break free and I have to lie quietly and try to hide from whatever is coming to get me until I get my strength back.

  The noises fade for what seems like hours and then start to pick up tempo again. This time they’re closer and I can feel their breath on my face. I can smell whiskey and I can hear my name being repeated over and over again. It’s no mistake. This is about me. Fueled by the sheer terror that overtakes my body, I summon every ounce of my strength and willpower and beg my body to move, to run. I lunge forward into a sitting position and swing my arms wildly in the dark. I’m clawing and scratching and trying to figure out a way to escape. It isn’t until I make contact with something hard that I know for sure I’m not alone. My voice finds its power and I’m able to push the words out. It’s the same word over and over again, “Stop!” I continue to scream as I get to my feet in preparation to run.