Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  “I’ve actually thought about that. Ever since I opened up to Julian, and then to all of you, about what happened, I’ve started reading about the after effects of rape. From what I’ve read, it’s different for each person. I don’t expect my story to be like anyone else’s and I don’t want to be compared to anyone. All I know is that what happened between Brady and I did way more damage to me emotionally than it did physically. I don’t want to downplay the actual act, because it was horrifying, but it was what it did to my soul that hurt the most. He was someone I loved and trusted and he demolished it all in minutes. The two weeks after it happened were brutal and I was in a very dark place. I was totally lost. But then he died, and the whole focus of what he did to me shifted to what he had done to himself. And killing himself trumped everything. I got so caught up in what I felt was my part in his death that I didn’t deal with my own pain, my personal pain of what he did to me. I know it sounds crazy, but I was sort of okay with the attention being shifted away from what he had done to me. It helped me implement the whole ‘it didn’t happen’ plan I was trying to execute.”

  “There isn’t a thing you’ve said that sounds crazy. It makes sense. I think we all protect ourselves the best way we know how, and your way was denial. That part is common.”

  I’m finding that sharing this feels good, and I want to keep talking.

  “As far as the intimacy thing goes, you’re right. But it did take a while, almost a year before a man really touched me. And the thing I can’t explain to you is why it was okay when Julian did. It just felt okay since the beginning. It felt almost necessary. I used to think I should feel uncomfortable with the physical aspect of our relationship but I never have. He’s always made me feel safe. It’s the emotional stuff I struggle with, not the physical. That’s why I ran the first night after having the best sex of my life. I couldn’t handle the emotional part. That’s what Brady did to me. That’s what I still have issues with.”

  I shrug my shoulders as a sign of acceptance that I still have work to do.

  “You need to be incredibly proud of the strength and courage you have. You’re a very strong woman, whether you believe it or not. I’m proud of you and I’ll do whatever I can to help you make your way through this.”

  She glances at the clock and when I look over, I see time is almost up.

  “I’m glad to hear that, because there are days when it’s still really hard to believe in the good. I want to, so I try, but I have to fake it sometimes. Julian is amazing and I don’t know if I’d be able to do this with anyone else.”

  “I’m glad you believe in his love, because from where I’m sitting it looks strong and it looks real. Hang onto it, and to all the other people who love and support you. Keep feeling and keep your heart open and it will get easier day by day.”

  “That sounds like a good plan, Ellen. Thank you for being honest with me today. I think of you as one of the people I can count on for support.”

  I know my words touch her and she gets up and gives me a hug. She walks me to the door and tells me she loves the poppy-colored, Jean Michel Cazabat, platform sandals I’m wearing. For the moment, it’s all good again.

  Chapter Nineteen

  I left work early today so I could get home, or to Julian’s condo, and get ready without being rushed. I have to be back at The Promenade by seven, which leaves me a little over an hour to get ready. The actual party starts at eight. Julian is going to drop me off, go check things out at the hotel, and meet me back at the party. I’m excited for tonight, anxious, but excited. This is a huge deal for me professionally and personally. Julian told me he knows his Uncle Juan will be there along with Danny, and a few other Bywater employees. He isn’t sure if his dad is going. Julian told me today they haven’t talked much since the night at DeAngelo’s. I hope he doesn’t go, it’ll only ruin what sounds like a fun night. I took a shower while Julian went for a quick run on the beach. I sense he’s feeling a little tense and I’m glad he got rid of some of his own nervous energy.

  As I’m getting ready, I turn on my iPod so I can listen to music while I put my makeup on and do my hair. I’m in a good mood and as I move around Julian’s big bathroom, I find myself dancing. I’m in here for about twenty minutes when Julian walks in to take a shower. He takes his red and black athletic shorts off, drops them next to the shower and gets in. I love looking at his body and don’t even try to hide it. The mirror I’m looking into allows me to see what Julian is doing behind me. He makes taking a shower look so sexual and I can’t help but be turned on. I attempt to alter my thought process because we really don’t have time for sex. Not that Julian needs much time. I swear there are instances when I think I might orgasm just looking at him. This may be one of those times.

  I try to refocus on getting ready and finish putting my makeup on but I can’t help myself from watching Julian get out of the shower, dry himself off, and wrap a towel around his waist. He joins me at the vanity and starts his own routine: brushing his teeth, shaving, and making himself look even more gorgeous. It feels good to do this, to be this normal couple. I can’t help but smile and Julian notices.

  “Whatcha smiling at mi amor?”

  “You. You’re hot, and I’m happy.”

  Julian flashes me his sexiest smile and comes and stands behind me. He wraps his arms around me from behind and pulls me close.

  Right then, as he’s holding me, the song Show Me by Bruno Mars comes on. I love the song and I can’t help but move my hips a little as it plays. I sing the words to Julian as we stare at our reflections in the mirror.

  No, I won’t think you’re easy, no, I won’t think you’re fast

  Your eyes saying “please me,’ but your lips get to ask

  No need to fight it, when you know it feels right

  You say you’re a woman who knows what she likes

  I sway my hips a little more and Julian moves with me. He slips one hand inside my robe and is resting it on my stomach right below my breasts. The other is holding my hand down at my side.

  Julian can move. He’s an amazing dancer as well as an amazing lover and watching him move against me in the mirror is such a turn on. I’ve never watched myself like this and it’s more erotic than I could’ve imagined. The movements of our hips have basically pulled the towel off of him. I reach down and yank the towel away, leaving him naked. I think he’s going to take my robe off but he doesn’t. He unties the sash though and with me watching, starts to caress my breasts. I lean back into him and savor the feeling. He pulls me gently backward and turns me so that we’re in front of the very large, full-length mirror on one wall of the bathroom. I can see our whole bodies now. A feeling of shyness comes over me and I close my eyes.

  “No, Lexie, abra los ojos. I want you to see how sexy you look when you’re turned on, when you’re about to come.”

  Sometimes I think I’d do anything he asks. He has a way of making me feel so comfortable. I keep my eyes open and locked on his through the mirror and watch as he slides his free hand down my stomach and in between my legs. I watch as he spreads me open with his fingers and runs his index finger through my wetness. He touches me gently and slides his fingertip slowly, back and forth, back and forth. With each pass he pushes down and puts pressure on my clit. He rolls my nipple between his fingers with his other hand, and I feel his hot breath on my neck as he runs his tongue down it and across my shoulder. I start to tremble as the stirrings of my orgasm pick up steam and delicious sensations start flowing through my body. I can’t help but moan loudly and rock my hips into his hand.

  “Mmm. I want you to come for me. Watch yourself, Lexie. You’re so beautiful.”

  “I’m so close, Julian. Please don’t stop.”

  “Nunca, Baby. Sabes esto. I’ll always take care of you.”

  My body starts to shudder as it’s overtaken with pleasure followed by explosive orgasm. Julian removes his hand from between my legs but doesn’t move away. We’re still looking into the mirro
r as I lean back into him for support. My legs are shaking.

  “Did you like watching me?”

  “God, yes. I love watching you watch me get you off.”

  “Good, because now you get to watch me get you off.”

  Before he can argue, not that he was going to, I drop to my knees and take him in my mouth. I position myself at an angle so I can watch his face in the mirror as I give him head. It looks like I’m not the only one who is turned on by the view. Julian is rock hard. When I see him close his eyes, I take my mouth off of him and repeat his words.

  “Keep your eyes open, Julian. I want you to see how sexy you look when you’re turned on, when you come.”

  A deep moan escapes him. “Then don’t stop, Lexie.”

  I repeat his words again. “Never, baby. I’ll always take care of you.”

  And I do just that. Over the last month I have learned what he likes. I know what pace works for him. I know he loves it when I run my tongue just underneath the head. I know he really likes when I grip his shaft firmly and stroke him the same way. I try my hardest to pleasure him because he always takes such good care of me. It isn’t easy either. Julian is well-endowed and when he comes, he really comes. I’ve never been a big fan of swallowing but with him it seems wrong not to. I know this man worships every single inch of my body and I need him to know I feel the same way about his.

  I incorporate all of these things into my blow job and keep my eyes on him. He’s watching me so intently now. His eyes look almost black with lust and the erotic sounds coming out of his mouth let me know he’s close. He starts to tremble and thrusts harder as his orgasm approaches. I keep my mouth on him until I have taken everything he has to give. He sits down on the edge of the bathtub to catch his breath.

  I glance at my watch as I stand up. It’s six-thirty and we need to leave in fifteen minutes if we’re going to be on time. Julian tries to pull me to him but I duck out of his arms.

  “No time for anything else. We need to build an extra hour into our schedules when we have to be somewhere Julian. It seems we have a problem keeping our hands off of each other.”

  He stands up and walks past me to the sink.

  “And mouths too, Corazón. But I’m not complaining. I’d trade a blow job from you for being late any day.”

  His compliment makes me feel good and makes me smile. “Oh, I’m not complaining either. That’s why I suggested the extra hour. I hate being late.”

  “Well then hurry up.” He swats me on the ass as he walks out of the bathroom.

  I spend five more minutes on my makeup and hair, which I’ve left down and wavy, I brush my teeth and follow him out. My clothes are already laid out. I look at the dress I’m wearing tonight and fall in love with it all over again. I slide it over my head, slip my feet into my birthday shoes and look at myself in the mirror and smile. I feel like a million bucks.

  When Julian comes out of his closet and stands next to me at the mirror I almost gasp. He’s wearing a black, three piece Brioni suit with a white shirt and a black tie with flecks of gold in it. He’s stunning. We look stunning next to each other. He squeezes my hand and leans over to whisper in my ear, “You’re gorgeous.”

  I know I look good, great actually, but it has so much more to do with how I’m feeling than how I look. This man next to me has really helped me feel good on the inside again and for the first time in a really long time, when I look in the mirror, I really do like who I see.

  Julian drops me off a few minutes before seven and leaves to go check-in at the hotel. I find Lauren and Serena, and all three of us tie up the remaining lose ends for the party. Lauren isn’t wearing the red dress she bought the other night and when I ask why she gets mad at me for not telling her it was the wrong dress to wear tonight. She’s in an off-white, lace, eyelet dress that looks amazing next to her tan skin. It’s a much more appropriate choice. I apologize and tell her how beautiful she looks tonight. I have to admit Serena looks great too. She’s wearing a lavender colored tank dress with a black-beaded beat and little ruffles in the back. It’s cute, yet professional and I tell her she looks great too. I’m sure this peace treaty is temporary, but for the night we all seem to be in agreement that work comes first.

  We’re standing in the reception area when I see Andrea, Mark, and Diego come into the building. Andrea looks gorgeous in a black, silk sheath and Mark looks like he always does, professional and put together in a suit. Diego on the other hand looks fantastic and I can’t help but gaze at him with appreciation. He looks very polished in whatever black designer suit he’s wearing. His hair isn’t as unruly as it usually is and he looks like he stepped off of the cover of some Italian style magazine. Serena and Lauren make a few comments about how he looks as he makes his way over toward us. He greets all three of us in the same manner, but I catch his lingering gaze on me as he turns my way. Andrea is in full party-planner mode and starts asking questions to make sure we have done everything we were supposed to. When she’s convinced everything is under control she walks away and starts to greet the guests who are arriving.

  Diego and Mark follow suit, so the three of us do the same. People are flowing into the building in a steady stream and before long, the empty lobby area is filled with guests. I try and to keep a lookout for Julian as I network, but it’s already eight-thirty and I still haven’t see him. I know I wasn’t going to be able to spend a lot of time with him tonight but I still wish he was nearby. I’m in the middle of a conversation with a realtor when I hear Julian’s voice wafting through the air behind me. My happiness only lasts for a moment as I hear Diego responding to Julian in Spanish. I finish my conversation quickly and turn to face the two of them.

  Julian and Diego are standing off to the side with a few people around. Danny is next to Julian and so is a man I assume to be his Uncle Juan. He looks like Antonio. Julian has his fake, I really don’t like you, smile on and I can tell by his posture he’s tense. Damn. He was in such a great mood when I left him. I make my way over to where they are and when he sees me, his smile becomes real. Diego turns to see what Julian is smiling at and when he sees me his big smile comes out. I walk up and stand to the side of both of them.

  “Julian Bauer, I’d like you to meet Alexa Reed. Alexa’s one of our top salespeople and a total asset to W&M. It’s been such a pleasure to work with her.”

  Um, okay, that’s a little over the top. We’ve been working together for five minutes.

  I glance at Danny and see he’s trying hard to stifle a laugh. I turn to face Julian and play the game a little.

  “It’s so nice to see you again tonight, Julian. It’s been way too long. I was wondering if you were going to show up.”

  Julian’s expression stays soft and I’m glad he isn’t mad or acting jealous. On the contrary, he does an untypical “Julian in public” thing and pulls me in close. He kisses me on the cheek softly.

  “Alexa and I know each other very well and I’m quite familiar with all of her great attributes.” He chuckles and glances at Diego who looks a little stunned and uncomfortable. “Ella es mi novia, Diego.”

  Diego turns and looks at me. “You didn’t mention Julian was your boyfriend, Alexa.”

  “I didn’t realize you two knew each other, Diego. I see now that you do.”

  I move away from Julian and give Danny a kiss on his cheek. He in turn introduces me to his Uncle Juan, who shakes my hand gently. What a different greeting than the one I got from Julian’s dad. When I turn back to Julian, I see the two of them shaking hands and Diego walking off.

  “That was bad. You set him up.”

  His eyes are filled with mischief and I know he liked the little joke I played at Diego’s expense. It was harmless, really, and I hope now that Diego knows I’m with Julian; he’ll stop with the staring.

  I spend the next fifteen minutes with Julian as he introduces me to a few other people he works with or does business with. He always introduces me as his girlfriend, just like he said h
e would, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say I catch more than one surprised expression when he utters the word, “girlfriend”. I’m about to leave to go mingle when I see Antonio Bauer walking toward us. I feel the immediate need to flee, but this is Julian’s dad we’re talking about and it would look so disrespectful. Julian sees the panic under my fake smile, and grabs my hand and squeezes it tightly.

  “Hola Papi. I wasn’t sure you were coming.”

  Julian’s greeting to his dad is curt and businesslike. I see the hurt in his eyes when he hears his son speak to him so coldly.

  I can take one quick glance at his dad and know he’s sober and right now he seems like a different person. He shakes Julian’s hand, Danny’s hand, and Juan’s hand, and then turns to me. He keeps his distance, but extends his hand. I look at Julian and then take it. His grip is soft and warm.

  “It’s great to see you again, Alexa. Congratulations on the opening. Everything looks great here.”

  “Thank you Mr. Bauer. It does look great. They did a wonderful job on this building.”

  I don’t say it’s nice to see him again, because it isn’t.

  “Please call me Antonio, Alexa.”

  I think about the other night when he didn’t seem to want me to call him by his first name; was that really just ten days ago?

  I smile as sincerely as I can and excuse myself under the guise I need to mingle. Julian kisses me softly on the forehead and whispers in my ear, “Are you okay?”

  I nod and smile and go to work.

  I catch up with Julian every now and then but I spend the majority of the night talking about the building with other real estate professionals and courting new clients. We have a great product to sell and the vibe is very positive. Diego stays away from me. Like away, away. I see him from across the room and watch him work. He’s very engaging and really knows how to interact with people. I bet I could learn a lot from him and hope we’ll be able to maintain a great working relationship. I don’t see why we wouldn’t be able to, but who knows.