Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  “Thank you for not judging me, Alexa. Danny told me I was in good hands and he didn’t lie. It was a pleasure to work with you.”

  “It was a pleasure meeting and working with you too.” The smile I give him is genuine. “Please call if there’s anything you need. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll see you next week.”

  Okay, this is so freaking awesome. I head to Lauren’s office to share my news. She tells me she made a sale today too. It’s a great day for both of us. I let her know I’m going to go to Tampa tomorrow, and that I need a rain check for going out this weekend. I ask if she wants to grab a quick drink after work before I head to my parents, but she has plans with a guy she met through another friend last week. We both grab our stuff and head out together around five. We’re talking about my little trip to Tampa as we’re walking through the lobby, and Serena overhears our conversation.

  “Did I hear right, Alexa? Are you moving to Tampa?”

  Lauren turns and answers for me. I swear she totally enjoys this.

  “Going to Tampa, not moving to Tampa. Sorry, Serena.”

  I look at her and something in her eyes lets me know she wasn’t referring to the conversation Lauren and I are having. She overheard me talking to Andrea. Crap. Time to do damage control.

  “No, Serena, just going to visit my sister.”

  She purses her lips and cocks her head to one side. She isn’t buying it. Oh well, there isn’t anything she can really say.

  “Well, have a nice visit with your sister.”

  Oh yeah, she heard me and Andrea talking.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  My mom made her homemade lasagna and I’m glad because I’m actually feeling hungry. We sit at the island in the kitchen and have a glass of wine. My dad isn’t home from work yet. My mom and I are thirty minutes into dinner before she brings up Julian. I made the mistake of telling her Danny referred a client to me. It opened the door to talk about Julian I guess.

  “Maybe Julian told him to do it.” I just told her about the run in at Jett’s.

  I shake my head in disagreement. “He was surprised to see us together. I’m sure it was all Danny’s idea.”

  My mom shrugs her shoulders. “If you say so. But, it wouldn’t surprise me if Julian wanted to do something nice for you. I mean after what he did.”

  My mom knows I broke up with him. “Mom, he didn’t do anything to me, at least not intentionally, and I broke up with him, remember?”

  She shakes her head and takes a sip of her wine. “Yes, I know the story. I know he didn’t do anything on purpose, but he broke your heart and I’m not so inclined to feel warmly about him. I mean, did he really think you’d stay and raise someone else’s child? You’re too good for that, Alexa.”

  Her words make me cringe. When it comes out of my mom’s mouth like that it sounds horrible and I couldn’t disagree more. I’m not too good for the situation. I’m not good enough for the situation. I’m not strong enough to be okay with another woman being in Julian’s life forever. While my mom rambles on about whatever, I tune her out and ponder whether my decision to end things with Julian has anything to do with my up-bringing. Everyone in my entire extended family is married and has had children the traditional way. There are no step-families and no adoptions. Ugh. I don’t want that to be a reason I walked away from Julian. I quickly remind myself of all the reasons why staying with Julian was a bad idea for me. Being too good for him doesn’t make the list.

  Luckily my dad walks in right when my mom starts talking about Jill and Derek and their lack of children. Jill hasn’t told my parents anything yet. My dad grabs a plate and sits next to me at the island. We spend the rest of the evening talking about Tracy and the girls and about my dad’s golf game.

  My mom has some old photo albums she wants me to give to Jill and leaves the room to go get them. My dad takes my hand.

  “How are you doing? I mean how are you really doing?”

  My dad has always been supportive of me but he isn’t very touchy feely. More often than not his quiet strength and calm demeanor have helped me through tough spots. His question and emotional tone touch me.

  “I’m okay Dad, hanging in there.” I feel myself choking up a little.

  “I’m worried about you, honey. You look skinny and tired … and sad. It breaks my heart. I may not tell you often, but I love you, and I’d love to see you get the happiness you deserve.”

  Tears spring to my eyes. “Thanks, Dad. I am sad and I haven’t been sleeping great but I’m going to be okay. It’s been a rough year.”

  “That is has. I know your mom seems hard to talk to sometimes, but she really loves you too. She just wants what’s best for you. She goes about telling you that in the wrong way sometimes, but she means well. We’re both here for you, whatever you need.”

  I wipe a tear from my eye and reach over and hug him. He returns my hug in a way only a dad can. It’s the most comforting feeling I’ve felt in weeks. I wish I were a little girl and I wish he could make all of this pain go away. But he can’t. Nobody can. His attempt means so much though, and for a moment I don’t feel alone. My mom looks surprised when she walks back into the room. She smiles and comes over and hugs me herself. It’s exactly what I need.

  When we’re saying goodbye at the door a little while later, she hugs me again.

  “I love you, Alexa Rose. You’re a beautiful woman who deserves nothing but happiness in her life. I know it will come for you, honey. Hang in there.”

  “Thank you, Mom. I love you too.”

  My evenings with my parents don’t always make me feel good. I usually leave their home feeling like a failure. I didn’t tonight, and as I fall asleep, I take comfort in their words and for the first time in a week, I have an uninterrupted night of sleep.

  I get up early and go for a quick run. I’m going to be in the car for five hours and this is a good way to start my day. I shower, pack for the weekend, grab some coffee and am out the door by nine-thirty. I know I’m going to get to Tampa before Jill gets off work but I figure I can drive around and acquaint myself with the city a little. I wanted to tell my parents about my thoughts of moving last night, but I’m not sure how they’ll take it. I think I’ll tell Jill the truth when I see her. She’ll understand.

  Jill and I have a great weekend together. Derek is around but really keeps his distance. Jill says it’s because he wants us to spend time together, but I think it may be because he knows I know about the affair. I end up telling Jill, over dinner out the first night, I’m thinking of moving. She’s on board and we make plans to go look at apartments the next day. She offers to let me stay with them, but I decline.

  I get a hold of Dominick early in the morning on Saturday and stop in and spend an hour with him at W&M’s new project. He gives me a tour, and basically an interview, while we’re out walking around. It’s not The Promenade, but it’s a nice development and I leave with a sense that Dominick would welcome me to the team if I want to move.

  I pick Jill up after and we spend the rest of the day touring Tampa. She takes me everywhere and we pop in and look at a few apartment complexes. I like what I see and think Tampa has everything I’m looking for, which really translates to no men from my past. We’re exhausted by the end of the day, and for the first time in weeks, I’m feeling relaxed and hungry. Jill suggests a Mexican restaurant near her house and we end up there for hours eating chips and salsa and drinking way too many margaritas. We talk about Julian and Derek and we both wipe away tears on more than one occasion. I know we’re both sad, but we’re both pretty drunk as well. It’s the perfect night. Jill doesn’t try and tell me how to feel or what I should do. She just listens and I try to do the same for her. Sometimes it’s okay to not have all the answers. We end up having to call Derek for a ride home and when I finally get into bed at ten, it only takes minutes for me to pass out.

  I say goodbye to Jill and Derek around eleven the next morning and get in the car to head home. I feel awful. I�
��m so hung-over from the margarita binge last night. It was stupid to drink that much when I knew I was going to be on the road for so long today. I make a quick stop at the gas station to fill up and get something to drink before I get on I-75. I left my phone in the car and when I get back it’s ringing. The ringtone “I’m sexy and I know it” is blaring through my car. My hearts starts to race. Julian. I pick up the phone and watch as the call goes to voicemail. I wait to see if he leaves a message. He doesn’t. Maybe it was a butt dial. He hasn’t called me in weeks and there isn’t a reason for him to be calling now. I’m relieved and disappointed at the same time.

  I get back on the road and get lost in my thoughts and the music. I’m in the car for about an hour when I get a call from Marissa asking when I’ll be home. She wants to go to dinner. Shannon, Lauren, and my mom also call and I chat with them for the next hour. I’m glad for the conversation. It makes the trip go by faster. I hang up with Lauren and turn my music up louder. I’m singing to Imagine Dragons when the music stops and I hear Julian’s ringtone again. I hold my breath as the phone rings and I wait to see if it goes to voicemail. This time he does leave a message. I don’t listen to it, but I don’t delete it either. I try to ignore it but I can’t. I’m getting ready to hit the play button when a text comes through.

  Julian: Answer your phone please. I need to talk to you. It’s urgent.

  I can’t imagine what he could be calling about that’s urgent. I listen to the voicemail message. My heart hurts when I hear his voice.

  “Hey Lexie, please give me a call. I need to talk to you. It’s important.”

  Okay, so is it important or urgent? I guess he would need to say critical or emergency before I felt I had to respond. I asked him several times not to call me and now I remember why. The sound of his voice makes me weak. I turn the music back up and start singing. Ten minutes later the phone beeps again.

  Julian: I need to talk to you now. Please call me back.

  Two phone calls and two texts in about an hour. Hmm. My curiosity wins out.

  Alexa: I can’t talk. What do you want?

  Julian: You can’t talk but you can text? Please call me.

  Alexa: Don’t want to talk and I shouldn’t text either. Driving

  Julian: Coming HOME from Tampa?

  Oh. I didn’t see that coming. I forgot about Serena. She obviously said something to Julian. His capitalization of home gives it away. I’m not sure what to say so I don’t reply. My silence earns me another phone call and a message.

  “God damn it, Alexa. I need to talk to you, baby. Please answer your phone.”

  Baby. My heart sinks. No way am I calling him back now. He’s starting to act like he did that night when I caught him about to cheat on me. He’s just getting started and I have a bad feeling he’s going to keep calling and texting me. So, I do what I did that night. I turn my phone off. I put the radio on instead of my iPod and try to forget that Julian wants to talk to me. I try, but I’m not successful. The rest of my car ride is filled with memories and thoughts of Julian. I’m sad and kind of pissed.

  When I turn the corner onto my street at a little past four, the first thing I see is Julian’s Jag in front of my house. I wish I could say I was surprised, but I’m not. Deep down I knew he’d be here. I pull in and see him get out of his car immediately. I’m not sure how he knew when I’d be home or how long he’s been waiting. The look on his face speaks volumes, he’s pissed. He strides over quickly and is next to my door as I’m getting out.

  “Before you get all bent out of shape that I’m here, remember I tried to have this conversation with you over the phone.”

  He’s in my personal space and I almost don’t want to get out of the car. His sheer proximity to me makes every synapse in my body fire. I can’t think or act rationally. Of course what comes out of my mouth is the best defense I can come up with on the fly.

  “I don’t want to talk to you in person or on the phone and I’m not sure why you don’t respect that. I have to use the bathroom, so if you insist on staying, I’ll be back out in a few minutes.”

  He looks shocked. “I can’t come inside?”

  I shake my head quickly. “No.” I walk into the house and into my bathroom. Marissa hears me and follows me into my room.

  “He’s been here for over an hour. He came up and asked me what time I expected you. I was going to lie but he told me he’d wait all night so I might as well just tell him. He’s pissed about something but wouldn’t tell me anything. What did you do this time?”

  I wish I could tell her why he’s mad but I haven’t mentioned it to her yet and it’ll make it worse if she thinks Julian knew I’m thinking of moving before she does.

  “I have no idea. He kept calling and texting me on the ride home and I kept ignoring him. He doesn’t like that. Now he’s here.”

  “Well I was on the way to the hospital. Do you want me to stay?”

  “No, it’s okay. I can handle this.” I’m not so sure that’s true but I’m not scared of Julian.

  “Okay, but call me if you need me.”

  “I will. Give Rosie a kiss for me.” I know her aunt well and am happy she’s on the mend.

  I follow Marissa out and find Julian sitting on the front steps. He’s dressed casually in shorts, a t-shirt, and flip-flops. He looks great as usual.

  I sit down on the steps too. I make sure to keep some space between us. “Why are you here?”

  I know he’s mad because his whole body is tense, but he also looks sad.

  “Were you even going to tell me you’re moving to Tampa?”

  “When did Serena tell you that?”

  He confirms what I already know. “This morning. I ran into her and Yvette at my aunt’s house. She’s over there all the time doing wedding stuff. She couldn’t wait to tell me you were in Tampa interviewing for a job.”

  “And you believed her?” I deflect the question with one of my own. Or at least I try to.

  “Is it true?”

  “Not exactly. I wasn’t interviewing, but I was looking into moving.”

  “And you weren’t going to tell me?”

  He looks hurt and it’s hard for me to see, but I need to stay strong. “It wasn’t on my list of things to do, no. Why would I?”

  “En serio, Lexie? You’d move and not tell me? What the fuck? How did we get here?” He shakes his head and sighs in frustration.

  I’m as direct as I can be. “It’s not your business, and do you really need me to tell you how we got here?”

  He turns so he’s facing me and the look he gives me breaks my heart all over again.

  “You’re my business. You always will be. Did you think I wouldn’t care, or try to stop you? You had to know it would upset me.”

  I’m actually a little taken aback. I thought I made it clear we were done and that what I did wasn’t his business. “You can’t stop this anymore than I can stop you from creating a whole new life without me in it.” I sound hurt instead of mad like I want.

  He raises his voice, shakes his head, and looks at me with something that resembles disgust. “Your choice. You chose not to be part of my life anymore. I didn’t choose any of this.”

  “Why are we discussing this again? We’ve gone over this and I explained why I can’t be with you. You told me you understood.”

  He looks down for a minute and when he looks up his eyes are blazing.

  “Well, I lied! How’s that? I don’t fucking understand how you can sit there in front of me and pretend like we aren’t supposed to be together, because we are and you know it. This whole thing is such bullshit! You’re scared and that I get, because I am too. But this, you and I being apart, is wrong.”

  He scoots a little closer to me and I can feel the raw emotions radiating off him.

  “Do you think this is easy for me, Julian? Do you think I’m happy? Look at me.” I raise my voice. “I’m fucking miserable. I’m thinking of moving across the state so everything thing I see, hear, tou
ch, and taste doesn’t remind me of you.”

  He slides even closer and I can’t back away. “Stop running, Lexie. You’ve been running since I met you. You don’t have to, baby. I’m your home.” I barely hear his words. Everything inside of me wants him. I want him to touch me. I want to tell him I can do this. I want to be the kind of woman who’s strong enough to handle this, but, I’m not. I stand up. He stands up too and doesn’t move away.

  “Please don’t do this. I can’t walk away again but if I stay I’ll end up worse off. You’ll end up hating me when you see me turn into someone who is constantly resentful and petty. I’ll be jealous and immature and unhappy. I’ll make you choose when you don’t want to or can’t. Pretty soon you won’t even remember who you fell in love with and it’ll end anyway. You need to trust me on this. I’ve been as honest as I possibly can be with you.”

  I’m trying so hard not to cry but I can’t hold the tears back anymore and they start to flow.

  He sees my tears and takes me in his arms. It’s the first time he has touched me in weeks and, against my will, I melt into his embrace. He’s right about something, he does feel like home. I inhale his scent, feel his heartbeat, and wonder how I’m going to live without this man. Julian rests his chin on my head and whispers, “Can’t we try to do this? Please. You didn’t give it a chance. It may not be easy but we’re strong together. I can’t be without you. Everything is wrong without you. It’s so fucking wrong.”